Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

[NSFW] Why is it called morning wood

When it should be called breakfast sausage

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

There were two hunters out in the woods

Along the way they split up, and one of the hunters drew his gun at a twig snapping, then shot at the direction it came from.

Upon discovering it was his buddy he shot, he immediately dialed 9-11.

“Help, I shot my buddy when we were hunting, I don’t know if he is breathing” said the hu...

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the wood.

Boy "hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared"

Man "how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911

''My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?

So I saw this sign the other day, it said “wood fired pizza”

So I said “Wood fired pizza? How will pizza get a job now.”

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles...

What did the plywood say to the 2x4?

I’m board

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.
So he calles emergency services and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it.

How much wood, could a wood slug glug, if a wood slug could glug wood?

Just ask your mother

If men get morning wood and jack it off...

Then it’s a Lumberjack...

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A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.

After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.

Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“

Soldi...

You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

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It would really sucks if breasts were made out of trees...

Wooden tit?

Jack and Dan are on a camping trip in the woods, when Dan passes out

Jack calls the Ambulance and reports the accident

The Ambulance tells him, " Make sure he is actually dead'

Jack leaves the phone and the Ambulance hear a shot

Jack says, "Now what?"

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A bear and a bunny are taking a shit in the woods

The bear asks the bunny, "do you have problems getting shit stuck in your fur?"

The bunny replies, "no."

So the bear wipes his ass with the bunny.

I was about to get married to this woman.

However, just before the ceremony I found out she has a wooden leg. What do you think? Should I break it off?

A father and a son are walking together through the woods

It's starting to get dark out and the son says to his dad "Daddy I'm scared." The father says "Why are you scared? You don't have to walk back alone."

Two big trees are talking in the woods.

One big tree says to the other. “Dear Fir, what do you suppose this little bitty tree is between us? Do you think it’s the son of a beech or the son of a birch?”

“I’m afraid I do not know, kind fir,” says the other tree.

In the meantime a woodpecker lands on the baby tree. The first...

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods’s golf ball and his SUV?

He can drive his golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree.

Never Make a Light-speed Vessel Out of Wood.

It'd just end up warped.

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Where do bears shit in the woods?

I don’t know, but apparently they use Charmin.

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with 2 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Wood

What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head?
Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head?
I don't know but Edward Woodward would

"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

If you ever lost in the woods

don't panic! Start talking about politics and someone will show up to argue with you. Just follow them back when they leave.

Imagine having breast implants made of wood...

...yeah, that would really hurt, wooden tit?

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?

Tigers got a much better driver

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I hear that Tiger Woods carries two sex dolls with him on a golf course...

...just in case he gets a hole in one.

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

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I got a call from a total stranger. He was asking to meet me in the woods so that he could take a look at my penis.....

Weirdo never showed up.

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How did Pinocchio realise he's made of wood?

He jerked off and caught on fire.

Tiger Woods gave me gonorrhea!

*golf clap*

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

I just got scammed out of $10.

I bought a Tiger Woods DVD called “My Favorite 18 Holes.” Apparently it’s about golf.

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods late one night, the woods are very dense and quite terrifying at this late hour. As they travel deeper and deeper into the woods the cub scout becomes more and more terrified of his surroundings, "it sure is scary out here scout master Kevin, I'm real...

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When I was lost in the woods

A couple of years ago, I was walking through the woods when I became lost. I had no compass, no map and wandered for hours, then days trying to find my way back. As I made my way through the muck and mud, I became hungry, more hungry than I had ever been, and found a few berries to satiate me for a ...

My friend drank a tin of wood varnish

In the beginning the death throes were terrible, but a lovely finish.

(This joke was invented and told to me by my uncle Raymond when I was a little kid)

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fa...

I banged 2 girls with morning wood

I guess I can call it a tree-some.

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.....

The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."

The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks"

and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train

A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk through the woods...

All of a sudden, the brunette falls to the ground. The blonde begins panicking and calls 9-1-1.

“This is 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” The operator says.

The blonde replies “I’m in a forest and my friend just passed out! I think she’s having a heart attack and might be dead!”

...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

Brothers John and Peter are lost in the woods...

They are both tired and hungry. The older brother Peter was hard working and obedient. The younger one was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.

"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."

Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went ...

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What do you call a wood pigeon that kisses cocks?

A wood pecker

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

So, a while ago, I was talking to a old piece of wood. I told him a dirty joke...

He was petrified

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

Two blondes went hiking in the woods for the first time.

As you would expect,they got lost.One blonde says to the other,"hey,get out that field guide and see what it says about getting rescued in the event you get lost."
She opens up the guide,reads a little, and says,"Fire three shots."so she does.After waiting around for about an hour they decided to...

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A Female Journalist Ventures Into A Village

A female journalist ventures into a village in a faraway land, away from all modern civilization, to write a story about the people that lives there.

When she gets into the village, the villagers give her a warm welcome, tell her that she can talks to anyone and photographs anything that she ...

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I wanted to make a joke about a wood carving of breasts, but it wouldn't be funny.

Wooden tit.

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

“How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

That’s what my friend, who is a renowned woodchuck expert, said when I asked him what most people ask him when they find out that he is a renowned woodchuck expert.

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your...

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look...

As the kidnapper trotted towards the dark woods hands firmly grasped on a small sweaty palm he felt a reluctance, looking down he saw the boy trembling.

"What's wrong buddy?" He asked genially


"I'm scared" said the boy fighting back tears


"You think you are scared?.. i have to walk out of these woods alone."

Two blondes are hiking in the woods.

They come across a pair of tracks and start discussing what type of animal made them. One says they are deer tracks. The other says they are bear tracks. They stand there arguing for a while, but before they can agree, a train hits them.

Class 3B go for a class trip into the woods one day.

The teacher says to Mary “what’s this tree made of?”
“I don’t know miss.”
“Bark you silly girl!”

Mary goes “woof woof!”

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A bakery has opened in the woods

The bakery became very popular and every morning there was big crowd before the bakery.
One morning the rabit come late and started pushing trough the crowd. He almost made it to the bakery when the bear noticed hime and threw him on the back of the line.
The rabit kept pushing trough the cr...

What's the difference between a boomerang and a stick of wood ?

With the boomerang you can spare yourself the dog.

What did the necrophilliac have to do before he came upon a body in the woods?

Poke it with a stick, just to make sure.

How many kinds of wood are used in making a match?

Two kinds. He-would and she-would.

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A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

What is the best way to carve wood?

whittle by whittle

Stalking is when two people go for a quiet walk in the woods.

But only one of them knows about it.

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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

A frazzled looking doe stumbles out of the woods at night

And thinks to herself "I'm never doing that for two bucks again".

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Man in the Woods

A naked old man stumbled out of the woods on the side of a dirt road. I stopped to see if he was alright.

Me: "Hey sir, you doing alright?"

Him: "I'm fine. What's it to ya?"

Me: "Just curious. What brought you all the way out here?"

Him: "Just huntin and fuckin"

...

Two guys found a big hole in the middle of the woods.

First guy says, "Man would you look at that hole, wonder how deep it is?".

Second guy replies, "Good question, let's throw something in there and listen for it to hit the bottom".

So the guys throw in a rock and wait. Nothing.

Next they try a big heavy tree branch. Nothing a...

What do Tiger woods, Farmers, and Christmas all have in common?

Ho, Ho, Ho.

A guy and a girl are walking through the woods when the girl says, “boy, these woods sure are creepy!!”

The guy replies.. “tell me about it, I gotta walk out of here alone!”

What type of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

Two hunters go out in the woods

One Hunter suddenly falls down. Their chest doesn't rise and fall and their eyes are glazed over. His friend, panicking, calls 9-1-1. He says "Help! I think my friend is dead, he doesn't appear to be breathing!' . The operator says;"okay, calm down. First, you have to make sure he's dead." The hunte...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

How far can a dog run into the woods?

Halfway. After that, he’s running out of the woods

Residents of Paris complaining of foul smell from burning wood in Notre Dame.

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

Two friends Mark and Jack walk into the woods

Once inside, they find a lamp and rub it. Out comes a genie,"If you show me something that I've never seen before, I'll fulfil your every wish, but if that's not the case, I'll stick it up your ass."

All of them go searching. A few hours later, Mark shows up with a branch from a rare tree. Th...

A kid and child molester are walking in the woods

A kid and a child molester are walking in the woods. As the sun is going down and it gets darker, the kod says, "It's getting kinda scary mister." He tells the kid, "I know. I'm the one that's gotta walk back alone."

I made a car out of wood

But it wooden go

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What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

Two men stumble across a hole in the woods.

They want to see how far down it goes, so they look around for something to drop inside.

One man notices an old rusty anvil.

With great effort, they drag it to the hole and push it inside.

The watch the anvil drop into the hole, and even after it disappeared into the blackness, ...

Did you ever hear the joke about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

No? How about the one who dumped his girlfriend?

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

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