A man is walking through the woods when he stumbles on a suitcase with some puppies inside

He calls up the local veterinary centre to ask for advice.

"Hi, I was walking through the woods and I found a closed suitcase, when I opened it there were 5 little puppies inside" said the man

"Oh no, that's horrible. Are they moving?" Asks the receptionist

"I'm not sure" replie...

One day three boys are walking through the woods.

While walking, they come across some tracks.

“Those are deer tracks” said the first boy.

“Those are bear tracks. I know for sure” said the second.

The third got hit by the train.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it.

Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”



“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized ...

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son o...

what do you call a piece of wood doing nothing?

board

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

Two hunters are out in the woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
...

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Was walking in the woods with my wife the other day. Picked up a pebble and told her about these traditions natives Americans had. They would give their partners an Sex Stone. But this one...

..was just a Fuckin Rock.

If you're in the hood and you're chopping wood...

Would you be using an ask?

Three blondes came across some tracks in the woods.

The first blonde looked and said, “I think they’re deer tracks.”

The second blonde said, “nuh-uh, they’re moose tracks!”

The third blonde looked and said, “you’re both wrong, they’re cow tracks!”



They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A man was walking in the woods when he was attacked by a wolf

The man miraculously managed to escape from the wolf with just a deep bite on the arm.


While he was being treated by the doctor, he confided that he thought it might have been a werewolf, so the doctor, humoring him, decided to run some tests.


"Good news," said the doctor...

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Two hunters are in the woods

The first hunter gets down on his knees examining the droppings and scat on the ground, and the second hunter, confused, asks him “what are you doing”?

The first hunter replies “I am just trying to figure some shit out”.

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

What the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods had a better driver.

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.

Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two ...

A man made a motorcycle out of wood. Wood interior and exterior, but did he ride it?

No it wooden start

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

So my friend Mike was telling me all about the car that he made out of wood...

I couldn't believe it, all wood!

Wooden door...

Wooden seats...

Wooden engine...

Wooden bloody work...

So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.

Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared"

Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three ho’s

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

What did the doe say as she walked out of the woods?

I’ll never do that for two bucks again.

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A bear and a rabbit are in the woods

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods, and they’re both taking a dump.

All of a sudden the bear turns to the rabbit and says, “pardon me, but do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?”

And the rabbit says, “Why no, I don’t.”

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

How does a Redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

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What do you call a dildo made out of wood?

A Wood Pecker

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It’d be weird if a woman had a boob made out of wood...

Wooden tit?

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Got Wood ? (long-ish)

Tommy is born missing an eye. He’s always been self conscious about it and at a young age he gets a wooden eye so that he looks like he has two eyes. Even though the wooden eye makes him look like he has two eyes, he is still very self conscious. He has never been on a date and at the prom, he goes ...

Many years ago, St. Peter introduced some antimony trisulfide and potassium chlorate to a small stick of wood.

It was a match made in heaven.

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A man is lost in the woods

So there was a man who was lost in woods for a few days. Eventually he came upon a farm and knocked the door. The farmer opened the door and the guy explained that he was lost and needed help. He said he could spend the night and as long he didn't touch his daughter and if he did he would suffer the...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods...

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood

But just ended up with a load of Splinters.

a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde were walking through the woods.

They were making their way for quite some time, when all of a sudden, they stumbled upon a pair of mysterious tracks belonging to an animal they've never seen before.


The brunette gets down and takes a closer look. " you guys are silly, these are obviously deer tracks " she laughs. ...

Wife came out the shower giggling at this joke she just thought up: Why didn’t the beavers send any wood down the river?

Because they didn’t give a dam.

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

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A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing..?

“A magic potion” she replies.

“Well what is it for?” he asks.

“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short...

On job applications I put “Can pee with morning wood” under skills.

When the employer asks me why I just say “Well because it’s kind of hard”

2 guys are hiking in the woods

They stop to urinate when a venomous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What should I do?", he asks the call taker....

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Two hillbillies are walking through the woods...

They come across a pile of dog shit. One of them says to the other, "I think that's dog shit."

"Does it smell like dog shit?" Asks the second.

The first bends down to smell it, "Yes."

"Does it feel like dog shit?"

The one picks up a piece and sure enough it feels like s...

Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go ...

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Two economists are walking through the woods and walk past a pile of bear shit.

The First Economist says to the Second Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear shit". The Second economist does and they continue their walk. They walk past another pile of bear shit and the Second Economist says to the First Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear shit...

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

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A bear is walking through the woods

A bear is walking through the woods and notices a small white rabbit taking a dump.

The rabbit sees the bear, and gets a little scared – understandable, it’s a bear. The bear stops and looks at the rabbit. The rabbit looks back. Then the bear speaks –

“Hello, Mr. Rabbit!”

The ra...

The reason orange juice doesn't slide well on hard wood floors is

Because of pulp friction.

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Deep into the woods there was bunny rabbit, hopping and prancing,

when he saw a monkey about to drop acid, so he yelled

"STOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP, THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH COME JOIN ME HOP THRU THE FOREST".

So the monkey said fuck it, let's do it rabbit.

So the monkey and the bunny where prancing through the woods when all of a sudden, saw a giraff...

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A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

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Two Florida men are hunting wild boar in the woods...

They come across a boar with it's head stuck in the knothole of a tree. The first Florida man says, "Hey y'all, watch this" and walks over the boar, unzips his pants, and fucks the boar in the ass. When he's done he says "Okay, it's your turn, buddy."

The second Florida man says, "Okay, b...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they stumble upon a large hole in the ground.

The first hunter says to the other, "That looks really deep. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how far it goes."

To find out how deep it really is, the hunters toss some nearby pebbles into the hole and try to listen for when the pebbles hit the bottom. None of the pebbles make a sou...

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage...

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

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Guys, don't pee in the woods....

You'd piss mother nature off.

Two men are walking through the woods together and they come across an insanely huge hole in the ground.

The first man picks up a rock and tosses it into the hole. The rock vanishes from sight, and neither guy could hear the rock hit the bottom.

The second man decides to throw a huge log into the hole. After a few seconds pass, again there was no sound.

Both men, wanting to know how dee...

I wish I was Tiger Woods...

18 holes a day, and he still finds the time for golfing.

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Do Ewoks shit in the woods?

No, they have Endor plumbing

How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods?

They take the psycho path.

Two boys are taking a stroll through the woods, when they come across this well

They take a look down the well, and can't see the bottom. They want to know how long the drop is so one of them throws a pebble down there.

They wait a while......nothing.

They spot a good sized rock and toss it down the well next.

They wait a while.....still nothing.

The...

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles...

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.
So he calles emergency services and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

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My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

What’s a Beavers favorite snack?

Wood chips.

Wood fired pizza

How will pizza get a job now?

What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas?

Half of everything.

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

[NSFW] Why is it called morning wood

When it should be called breakfast sausage

Two men are hunting in the woods behind the house of one of them.

One looks through the scope of his rifle and says to the other, "Your wife is in their with another man."

The husband says, "Shoot her in the head and him in the balls."

The other man says, "That'll be easy. I can do that in one shot!"

What do you call it when the last thing protecting the hero is a barrier out of wood?

A defence

When is a sailor made of wood?

When he's a board.

Must be strange being Tiger Woods;

Getting to hear, "Morning, Woods!" all the time!

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

A pirate's prosthetic breast would be nice...

...Wooden tit

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What do you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

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What's the best time of day to poop in the woods?

Tree turdy

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody sees it

Then my illegal logging business is going great!

I was at a friend's funeral and spotted an attractive girl.

Wasn't long before I got mourning wood.

Ikea have withdrawn a range of wooden tables made from australian wood that aborigines also use to make boomerangs.

They keep bringing them back.

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

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Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

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3 Wishes for Bear and Rabbit

Bear and Rabbit are walking in the woods when suddenly they come upon a magical lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie appears. "You have set me free," the genie says, "and I will grant you each 3 wishes."

Bear is excited, he goes first. "I wish I were young again."

"Granted," says Genie,...

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Did you hear about the orgy in the woods?

It was fucking in tents!

I can cut wood in half just by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes

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Cruise ship magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shout...

I saw a sign that said "Wood Fired Pizza" and thought

Wood fired pizza? How's pizza gonna get a job now?

(Joke by CallMeCarson)

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Work it out with a pencil

(Trying to fix up a joke that was brewed up this past weekend.)

There's this French guy, squatting by a river, with his pants around his knees, his bare butt hanging over the water. A stranger comes out of the woods, sees this, and notices 2 dangling bits on the French guy.

"Omg! You ...

Probably only amusing if you work in construction...

3 construction workers went on a hunting trip - a crane operator, a laborer, and a surveyor. The three spent a good hour walking through the woods, looking for the laborer's tree stand before they realized they were lost. Looking around, they had no way to figure out which way to go to get back to t...

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Two newfies were walking in the woods and they saw a goat had his head stuck in the fence...

So the 1st newfie says "I got an idea" he walks up to the fence and F _ _ ks the goat in the ass .
Then he turns to the second newfie and says "your turn"
So the 2nd newfie walks up to the fence and sticks his head in it.

There were two hunters out in the woods

Along the way they split up, and one of the hunters drew his gun at a twig snapping, then shot at the direction it came from.

Upon discovering it was his buddy he shot, he immediately dialed 9-11.

“Help, I shot my buddy when we were hunting, I don’t know if he is breathing” said the hu...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it is within the power of a woodchuck to chuck wood?

You woodn't believe it, but the woodchuck axeually started his own branch. Experts suggest he took the wrong root to success, however, sapping all growth from the market.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

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Three women were walking in the woods

When they came upon a pile of fresh bear crap. One woman looks down and says:

"Looks like bear crap"

The second woman bends down and smells it:

"Smells like bear crap"

The third one, a blonde, scoops up a little on her finger and tastes it:

"It tastes like bear cr...

Did you hear about the guy up north with coronavirus?

Guy was feeling under the weather while camping and went to his doctor. Doc says, I'm sorry but you caught Coronavirus. Guy goes home and thinks well maybe this will be my last chance to go camping and heads to the woods for the night. Poor guy then gets bit by a tick. So back to the doctor again an...

A man is in a car with his friends and decides to stop by a pizza restaurant. Outside he sees a sign that says “wood fired pizza.”

And then the man said “Wood fired pizza? How’s the pizza gonna get a job now?”

Two hunters are walking through the woods

One hunter falls down, hits his head on a rock and gets knocked out. The other hunter freaks out and calls 911. When the operator picks up, the hunter says "Help! My friend fell down and hit his head on a rock. He's not moving! I think he's dead!" The operator says, "Okay calm down sir. Before we se...

You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it.

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A man of many talents

So this traveling salesman is driving through this little Welsh village and decides to stop at a quiet pub for some lunch and a pint. He gets his beer and there's nobody in other than one little old fella in the corner just staring out of the window over a half empty glass.

So he sits down ne...

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A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.

After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.

Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“

Soldi...

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What does a porn shop and Home Depot have in common?

They both give you wood

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A man goes to a cabin in the woods to get away for a while...

He hears a knock on the door after just barely unloading. A burly bearded man was outside.

Neighbor: Just wanted to welcome you to the woods and invite you over for a drink later.

City guy: Sure sounds great

Neighbor: There will be a lot of music

City guy: Sounds like fun...

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