Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles...

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”

“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s silence, and then a gunshot.

The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK,...

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it.

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

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A bear and a rabbit we're taking a shit in the woods.

The bear asked the rabbit. "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur"? The rabbit said. "No", so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

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Man in the Woods

A naked old man stumbled out of the woods on the side of a dirt road. I stopped to see if he was alright.

Me: "Hey sir, you doing alright?"

Him: "I'm fine. What's it to ya?"

Me: "Just curious. What brought you all the way out here?"

Him: "Just huntin and fuckin"

...

An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked ...

Two blondes are hiking in the woods.

They come across a pair of tracks and start discussing what type of animal made them. One says they are deer tracks. The other says they are bear tracks. They stand there arguing for a while, but before they can agree, a train hits them.

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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

Two friends Mark and Jack walk into the woods

Once inside, they find a lamp and rub it. Out comes a genie,"If you show me something that I've never seen before, I'll fulfil your every wish, but if that's not the case, I'll stick it up your ass."

All of them go searching. A few hours later, Mark shows up with a branch from a rare tree. Th...

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Morning wood always comes at sunrise. So...

There's been a boner wave going around the planet since the dawn of man.

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

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A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

What type of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood

Residents of Paris complaining of foul smell from burning wood in Notre Dame.

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

Two hunters go out in the woods

One Hunter suddenly falls down. Their chest doesn't rise and fall and their eyes are glazed over. His friend, panicking, calls 9-1-1. He says "Help! I think my friend is dead, he doesn't appear to be breathing!' . The operator says;"okay, calm down. First, you have to make sure he's dead." The hunte...

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A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.

They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears. Genie: "Well, shit. Two customers. I don't know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you're bigger." Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: "Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to...

How far can a dog run into the woods?

Halfway. After that, he’s running out of the woods

A kid and child molester are walking in the woods

A kid and a child molester are walking in the woods. As the sun is going down and it gets darker, the kod says, "It's getting kinda scary mister." He tells the kid, "I know. I'm the one that's gotta walk back alone."

A guy and a girl are walking through the woods when the girl says, “boy, these woods sure are creepy!!”

The guy replies.. “tell me about it, I gotta walk out of here alone!”

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

Yesterday I went into the woods to looks for sasquatchs but my Jean's were too tight

You have no idea how hard it is to sasquatch with you sack squashed

I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel

The son says, "Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared"

The father replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery.

The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving?

The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

I just peed with morning wood

It was hard

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
...

Two boys in the Woods

Jim and Jerry were playing in the woods with a red ball they had brought with them. The game they were playing was simple, just tossing the ball back and forth to each other. They did this for a few minutes before Jerry had an idea to make the game more fun. This is too easy”! Jerry shouted and went...

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

What do you do when you come across a bear in the woods?

Wipe him off and say you're sorry.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camped in the woods while investigating a case.

They go to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes wakes Watson. He says, "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson says, "Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

"Well, I think it means that we'll have another nice day tomorrow. How about you?"
<...

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What's the difference between a cub scout stuck in the woods and a vaginal blister?

One's not a happy camper, the other's not a jolly rancher.

Two blondes were walking through the woods when...

...they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Oh look!! Bear tracks!!"

The second blonde said, "No way!! Those are CLEARLY deer tracks!!!"

They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." Th...

I made a car out of wood

But it wooden go

Did Jesus ever have morning wood?

He was a carpenter right?
(This is courtesy of my SO)

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy “hey mister its getting dark out and I’m scared”

Man “how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone”

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

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Two men were hunting in the woods when one looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."

The other responded, "Well go behind one of those big trees and take a crap."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper for wiping my ass."

"You have a dollar don't you?" replied the other man.

He thought for a moment and then decided, "You know, I'll give it a try!"
...

If guys get morning wood.......

Do girls get morning dew?

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3 men, Jake, Carl, and Rob were hiking in the woods.

During the walk, they sat down near a river to rest. While taking the break, the men hear something behind them, 5 armed men.

"Each of you go get 10 of the same fruit!" Ordered the man in charge

The 3 scared and confused men ran in search of the fruits. Fifty seconds later, Jake retur...

Anyone wanna join my prayer group for woodworkers?

It's called "Oh, Ye of Whittle Faith."

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

Two men stumble across a hole in the woods.

They want to see how far down it goes, so they look around for something to drop inside.

One man notices an old rusty anvil.

With great effort, they drag it to the hole and push it inside.

The watch the anvil drop into the hole, and even after it disappeared into the blackness, ...

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Wood eye

There was once a man who got an eye infection and had to get his eye removed, he could not afford a glass eye so his doctor made him a wooden one.
He was very self conscious about having a wood eye and as such he would only go to poorly lit bars to try to pick up chicks.

One night he was ...

I was freezing out in the middle of the woods when I stumbled upon a mean-looking hunter sat by a campfire...

He was roasting his fresh kill feet first and the smell had me salivating for a bit of that tasty grub.

He gave me a dirty look and made it clear he didn't want to share any.

I begged him for a bite to help me warm up but he just gave me the cold shoulder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Britney Spears , Elton John and Tiger Woods

Britney Spears , Elton John and Tiger Woods are walking along the street. Britney trips, jamming her head in between the rails in a picket fence. Tiger, quick as a flash, pulls down her pants and fucks her ball-deep senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "your turn!" but Elton starts to cry. "What"s...

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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Ever since I failed Calculus I can’t go into the woods

There’s too many natural logs for my liking

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

“How much wood have you chopped?”

“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”

A crazy person in the woods.

How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

They take the psychopath.

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If a bear shits in the woods, where does his friend the lamb go?

The baathroom.

*new dad, first OC dad-joke of my own*

Two hunters are walking through the woods...

...when they come across a bear.

One hunter immediately bends down and begins tightening and tying his shoes.

The other hunter says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear."

The hunter immediately replies, "I dont have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

An athiest is walking in the woods

He comes across a bear. The bear looks up, sees the athiest, and charges.

In that moment, the athiest yells, "God help me!"

Suddenly, time stops. The bear is in midair, coming down on the athiest with a paw bigger than his head. He hears a voice, loud, booming, and as if from nowhere. ...

An idiot goes walking through the woods...

After a short time, he realizes he is hopelessly lost. He gets hungry, but with no knowledge of a way to gain food, he decides to resort to cannablism. He begins to eat his arm, but soon finds he is satisfied and no longer hungry. This idiot in the woods was full of himself.

If trees could kill you

They wood

I got scammed! Purchased Tiger Woods book “18 of my favorite holes”...

and it was about golf.

Someone asked me to make a joke about wood.

It wasn't veneerly as hard as I had expected.

A Czechoslovakian and Soviet were hunting in the woods

It had been sometime since they were last seen and people were starting to worry about them. A week had passed and a search party was deployed.

The search wasn’t going well until one tracker found some bear scat with a handkerchief that was thought to belong to the Soviet hunter.

A f...

Three hunters are lost in the woods, and their prospects aren't looking good.

The three men have been trying to find their way out for hours, but none of the landmarks look familiar, and they're starting to get desperate. Finally, one man remembers his Boy Scout training and says, "Fire three shots in the air, and someone will come find us!"

So they fire three shots an...

Three blondes go into the woods to find the perfect Christmas Tree

After hours of searching one says:

&#x200B;

"Maybe we should just take one of these without the ornaments!?"

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

What do you call gangsters living in the woods?

Cottage G's.

In another news, a terrorist attack has blown away two houses, One made of straws and one made of wood.

Police believe that the suspect is a lone wolf.

A back woods West Virgina man gets engaged.

He rushes home to tell his dad.

"Pa! I met me a woman and we's gonna marry!" His dad replies, "Well, tell me 'bout her!" The son says, "She's beautiful, nice, an a virgin!" At the news the father is visibly upset, "No you ain't gon marry you no virgin! If she ain't good nuff fer her family, s...

A man was walking through the woods

When he saw a large white blob ahead of him. He continued to walk close enough for him to see it. All he could tell even still is that it was a large white blob.

He said aloud “This sure is strange” and the blob turned to face him. It was a large floating eyeball. The eye said to him “Hello!...

What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three ho’s

The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.

I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

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What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

I needed $2.50 to take the bus home. "I only have $2.15 on me," I told the driver, "but to make up the difference, I'll greet wood planks. How's that sound?"

"Fare enough," he replied. "Welcome a board."

A doe walks out of the woods and says...

"Well that's the last time I do that for two bucks."

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A man had a 25 inch dick and wanted it smaller. So he visited a witch in the woods. She said if he wants it smaller then he'd have to go further and find the talking frog. Then he must ask the frog to marry him and when the frog says "no" it'll shrink 5 inches.

Once he found it, he says, "Will you marry me?", but the frog says "No".

It shrunk 5 inches and he was amazed but it was still too big. Again he asked, "Will you marry me?"

"NO!", the frog yells. Now it shrunk 5 more inches but he thought 15 inches was still too big. He decided 10 woul...

What did the wood loving man say to the captain of a wooden boat?

Permission to come on board?

Two cheeses are walking through the woods when they hear a spooky sound. One cheese turns to the other and shouts...

Ricotta g-ouda here!!!

A guy was walking through the woods at night with a young boy...

The boy was crying and screaming. They continue walking and the child starts screaming even louder. Finally the guy say, "will you stop your crying I'm the one that has to walk back to the car by myself"

A physicist , engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip through the woods when they spot a deer.

The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 10 feet to the left.

The engineer says, "You forgot about air resistance. Give it here." He calculates wind speed and direction on his notepad, missing the d...

A hunter goes to the woods

One day a hunter goes in the woods to hunt bears, sees one walking by and BOOM! Shot the bear down. He goes to check if the bear is dead and starts his celebration dance. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and sees a huge bear. "You've made a big mistake Jake" at which the ...

What did the bear call the camper sleeping in the woods?

A soft taco

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

"WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?" Booms the genie, "MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!"

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

"Ta Mac",...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign...

...in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
A...

Sherlock and Watson are camping in the woods.

They set up their tent before dusk, and get right to sleep.

At 2:17 A.M., Sherlock wakes up, and shakes Watson awake. He says to Watson, "What do you see out there?"

Watson stares at the countless stars, and says "God has set before us a vast void, and filled it with celestial snow. Tr...

I was asked to make a joke about wood furniture.

It wasn't veneerly as difficult as I thought. The joke was Oakay but lacked polish.

A serial killer and his date are out for a walk in the woods

"Gee it sure is scary out here" she says

"How do you think I feel? I gotta walk out of here alone."

Two guys are walking in the woods when

Two guys are walking in the woods when a wolf attacks them. They suffer a few bites, but they get patched up and go about their lives. The next month, on the next full moon, they suddenly change into wolves and run in the woods and kill a deer and do other wolf stuff.

In the morning they wake...