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China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

I asked my friend what it’s like living in China.

He said ‘Can’t complain’.

China is already welcoming Biden

China is already welcoming Biden.

They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden.

"FOR BIDEN CITY!"

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?

Taiwanasaurus

Einstein says that object with high mass distorts time.

I bet he was inspired by China's time zone system.

China and reddit's societies are similar

Opinions aren't allowed

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A Chinese and a jew sit next to each other in a bar. Out of nowhere, the jew slaps the Chinese across the face.

The Chinese goes: "What the fuck was that about?"

The jew responds: "That was for Pearl Harbor"

The Chinese: "Wait, I am from China."

The jew: "Japanese, Chinese, all the same."

After a while the Chinese punches the jew in the face and says: "That! Was for the Titanic."<...

I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

Today, I live in constant fear.

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Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!

There is freedom of speech in china

but there is no freedom after speech.

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

I became a naval cook because I wanted to see the world!

But so far, I’ve only seen China, Turkey and Greece.

Do you know why factories didn’t close in China?

Because kids don’t catch covid.

Do you know what Mao, the first leader of communist China, becomes when he laughs

LMAO

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

How do you express your opinion in China?

\[redacted\]

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

This Easter, the catholic church is sourcing all of it's bread and wine from a factory in China.

It's called mass production.

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual an...

What do cats in china say?

Mi Hao!

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

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How do they call elevator in China?

Well,on a button like everywhere else in the world

Who is the president of china?

An entrepreneur was looking to do business overseas. He asked his assistant "Who is the president of China?"

His assistant replied, "No, Xi is the president of China."

"Who's she?"

No boss, "Hu is Hu, Xi is Xi"

What is common between Reddit and China?

They both don't like opinions.

Why does China have the most accurate step-counters?

They track your every move

National Bank of USA decides to save some money on coin making...

so they buy a cheap coin making machine made in China.

Soon enough, it stops working, and the bank sends an engineer to fix it. As he looks into the machine, he realises that the hardware is completely different from american, and he does not understand anything about this Chinese coin making...

China may be catching up to the US economically...

...but they definitely won’t outweigh us.

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Anal swabs are made compulsory for all international travellers to China.

This is in line with their "China first" policy. First China enters you, then you enter China.

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US Government furious at China for making Covid anal swabs mandatory for all foreign arrivals

If anyone's going to fuck our citizens, it's gonna be us! The US government!

It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19.

But in China, they got it right off the bat.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

In America police dogs are K9

In China they are E10.

A Chinese man came to India

A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy t...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "ho...

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An American, a Chinese and an Indian went on a world tour by Air.

The American proudly declared "we have reached my homeland USA" pointing at the Statue of Liberty.

After some hours, the Chinese pointed at the Great Wall of China and exclaimed "friends, we have reached China".

More hours went by and all eyes were on the Indian. He calmly opened the w...

I used to live in Turkey, China, and Morocco, but I left ...

there were too many red flags.

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A long time ago in China, man decided to marry a concubine.

But he insisted the new woman be a virgin. Someone suggested that after he found a suitable woman, on their wedding night he should show her his penis. If she didn't know what it was, that would mean she was truly virginal.

So on the wedding night his pulled out his penis and showed it to t...

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I had sex with an Asian girl yesterday

Or as I like to call it, busting out the fine china

My nephew came to me with a look of pride on his face.

He said uncle, uncle look what I made it’s a telephone. He proceeded to show me two tin cans tied together with string.

I pulled out my iPhone and said: “this is what kids your age make in China.”

How do you know coronavirus is male?

Because if it was female, they would have killed it when it was born in China.

Where does China keep their political prisoners?

Wontonamo Bay

Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China

I hope they've put it straight into iceolation

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My first time posting here, made up this one late night so, please be gentle with me kind stranger...

So a Cambodian guy walks into a bar,
He orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender was new to the place and hasn't seen much foreigners so confused by the customer's race he makes conversation saying.
"Hey your people are famous for their great sushi I've heard"

The guy looks...

So, This is a very famous joke from my country ,I hope to see the response

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were...

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team?

They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

Three Chinese friends

Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China.

what did the british guy say when he discovered that tea was first made in china?

real tea is often disappointing



repost because the first one had too many spelig misteks

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus.

I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China.

Why is Among Us so popular in China?

Because its the only thing that lets them vote

Did you see the Chinese flag on the moon?

There are children all over China bragging they sewed it.

Why do most people don't trust China?

Because they raise a red flag every time.

A man in China was killed by a group of underaged doctors.

He died by euthanasia.

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NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

A Trump supporter was upset...

...about having ordered custom "Trump 2020-2024" merchandise from China and now not being able to get a refund. "I just can't accept that I have to kiss my 10 yuan goodbye." I nodded sympathetically but advised him that he'll just have to accept bye ten yuan.

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A panda walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him enthusiastically and says:

« Hey how’s it going? I’ve never had a panda in here before! What can I get you? »

The panda orders a small meal and waits at a table. After a few minutes, the bartender arrives and brings him his food.
The panda eats it and the b...

3 Contractors

3 Contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House...



The first is from INDIA, the second from CHINA and the third from GUYANA



They go with White House officials to examine the fence.



The Indian takes out a tape and does some measuring, w...

Denmark: "We will kill 17 million minks by 2021."

China: "I killed 20 million in two weeks."

World: "You killed 20 million minks in 2 weeks??"

China: "Oh no, sorry, I must've misheard you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japan, Korea, and China go trick or treating.

Japan and Korea receive candy while China gets opium.



Britain was at the door.

Credit to u/TheSnipenieer for the inspirational post.

What do you call an Irishman standing in a field in China?

A rice Paddy!

Austria declares war on China:

„We have 200 soldiers and 3 Tanks“

China accepst: „We have 4 Million Soldiers, a Million Tanks an a couple hundred nuclear warheads“

Austria replies:„We abort the declaration, we can't provide enough accomodations for the war prisoners “

What is a Karen called in China?

Kalen

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One day Jewish man went for a hike

He hikes all the way up to a viewpoint overlooking his city. There he meets a Chinese man, they greet each other and after some conversation the Jewish man asks:

"where are you from?"

"From China" the chinese man responds.

"I don't like you Chinese you bombed pearl harbour!" s...

Did you hear about China's new space program?

I hear it's going to be a Long March.

Anyone got a fork and a plate?

Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(

Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China?

Because it has a Taipei personality

When I was a kid, we used to refer to the People's Republic of China as "commies."

Now they are "dot commies."

Why don't kids in China believe in Santa Claus?

They make the toys.

What are my views on Russia and China? Well...

[redacted]

My Chinese friend used to be the only professional gambler in China

Which makes him the only person in China who likes to bet

Say what you like about China...

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]

How do we know the corona virus wasn't made in China?

Because we've had it for almost a year now and it's still working

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

Once a man a was shouting at Times square " The president is an Idiot"

"The president is an Idiot" he yelled

You can't defame the president, a cop arrested him
"Hey I didn't say 'our' president, I was talking about China"

Cop replied "Shut up we know exactly which president is an Idiot"

Social Distancing is so unbelievably stupid

If corona came from China, surely it can go another 6ft.

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A man had painful spots on his penis.

He went to the doctor to get treatment.

The doctor said,"I have bad news. The treatment costs $10,000. I will need to cut off your penis."

The man was shocked at the news. It was too expensive and he didn't want his penis cut off, so he went to China to seek treatment.

Once h...

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis. (Kind of long)

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the...

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Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my penis.

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my penis had turned blue and green.
...

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

I stood up at a ceremony to salute China.

That was my first red flag.

What do guns and corona virus have in common

They were both created in China now every American has one

My dad told me this one so i thought i might share

In a zen monastery far inside China, a conflicted discipule has his mind shrouded by a doubt that he's sure his master, Zhi, knows the answer.

He finds him, and asks:

– "Master Zhi, why does everybody say that we, chinese people, all look alike?"

He pauses for a second, looks a...

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

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Why don't we buy Viagra or Cialis from China?

Because we don't want them messing with our erections.

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

The Spanish word for 'cat' is 'gato'.



In China they pronounce it 'gateau'.

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

Did you know the inventor of the typewriter was unknown until recent discoveries in China?

The new discoveries point to a man named Tye Ping

If Trump banned Tik Tok because it's made in China

Why doesn’t he just ban the Corona Virus?

Modern China's history isn't about what has happened

It's about what hasn't happened

An old friend, now living in China, called me. I asked him how life is over there and if he's doing well.

He said "Ah well , you know. I can't complain".

Made in China

Two old guys sitting in a park, says the one:
"Look, i got a new hearing aid, very cheap becaus it's made in China"

The other says:
"Amazing, how much did you pay?"

"Yesterday...",

I just ordered a new dishwasher from china!

The wedding's next month.

Trump is changing his name and moving to China!

He now goes by Lame Duk Don

China Online

What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?

Lo Ding

Why does China always drive on the left

they don’t have rights

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I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

I taught my son today to play Marco Polo

We opened the cabinet and found China.

What is the Department of Veterans Affairs in China called?

VAChina.

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

Trump's China Problem

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?

Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.

Pence: Mine fewer.

Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

They say coronavirus came from China.

I am not buying it, no one can sneeze that hard.

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the ...

My mom told me: “Finish your peas, there’re starving kids in China”

I said: “Oh yeah? Name 10”

My late grandfather’s favorite joke

A man woke up one morning and his cheeks was swollen and contorted, his eyes were almost completely shut and his lips puckered tight. He rushed over to the hospital and sees a doctor immediately.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with me?” Asked the man.

“Your test results came back inconclusive, ...

I don't buy from Amazon because of the slavery it promotes

\- typed from a keyboard made in China

If the Coronavirus really was made in China, we don't really have much to worry about...

...it won't last long.

The United States, China and Russia are attending a military exercise competition

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe...

A man moves from China to the US looking for work

After he and his wife settle in, they find themselves prospering in their new country. Years later, they have a son, who grows up to be a powerful and respected businessman. One day, he comes home with a woman wrapped around his arm

"Mom, Dad" he says,"This is Tiffany Wong." His parents are...

What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

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