UPJOKE
taiwanchinesebeijingmainland chinashanghaivietnamporcelainconfucianismrussiahong kongtaipeipinyingobi desertindiairan

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

‘Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant;

in India they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant;

in Europe they ...

19 Year anniversary

The traditional gift for 19 years is bronze, so I gave her a 3rd place trophy for best wife..... We might not make it to China

It's Christmas and the German Chancellor has a visit from a wish fairy. He has three wishes.

His first wish is that China declares war on Germany and sends its troops to the front by the shortest route.

The fairy is astonished, but complies with the wish. War is declared, but even after days no Chinese shows up.

The fairy now asks for the second wish. The chancellor wishes a s...

A bin man walks up to a Chinese mans door.

The bin man asks the Chinese man,

‘Where’s your bin?’

The man replies,

‘I’ve bin to china’

The bin man then says,

‘No where’s tour wheelie bin?’

The man replies,

‘I’ve bin to china, i’ve weally bin to china!’

Thailand was having troubles trading with China.

China refused to accept Thailand's official currency, (the Baht) but the Thais noticed that China had no problem trading in South Korean Won.

So they made a plan to buy 3.2 trillion Won from Korea and use it as an official currency for international trade exchanges.

Unfortunately, it t...

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

You’re one in a million

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

On the sixth day, God outsourced to China.

That’s why weekends don’t last very long.

Why shouldn't you start a war with China?

Because they'll show a Wonton disregard for human life.

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped

and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.
Hushed silence turned into a roar of laughter, when
the quick-witted Diplomat announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen!
You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-
Fall of Turkey
Breakup of...

I used to date someone from Albania, Viet Nam, Turkey, Morocco, Trinidad and Tobago, Russia, Tennessee, Tunisia, and China

Too many red flags

Why did Trump throw so many plates against the wall like a baby?

He wanted to seem tough on china.

Two buff Chinese men gain American citizenship

After ten long years of living in the States, they decide to celebrate by meeting at a local Chinese restaurant that afternoon.

Both men wanted to show that their toughness hadn’t faded over the years, so they order the hottest and spiciest soup the restaurant has to offer.

While waiti...

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A panda walks into a restaurant…

A panda walks into a resteraunt. He walks up to the host and the host says “what do you thing this is?” The panda takes out a dictionary and reads “Restaurant, an establishment that serves food.” The host says “fair enough” and takes the panda to a table. The panda orders his food and eats it all an...

The Factory (OC)

"Jenkins!" the boss screamed. "I need you to go to China. The factory reports that they are turning out product as fast as they possibly can, but that just can't be right. I need you to go see what's going on."

So on Tuesday, Jenkins flew to Shanghai and drove to the factory, where he persona...

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

[An Old Joke from my Grandpa] An Indian Archeologist goes China to meet his Archeologist friend.

Chinese man takes him to his working site, After digging for a while they found some electrical wires buried underground.

Chinese Guy: (to the Indian guy) Look, these wires look ancient, Unlike you Indians, we Chinese were so advanced back then that we used electrical technologies.

Ind...

Free speech in China

Here is a joke I posted on r/Sino that got me banned from there:

A liberal Western bourgeois bohemian meets with a capitalist Chinese Maoist Communist in a bar. The Western liberal brags to the Chinese communist that in her country, she has so much free speech that she can stream videos to m...

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

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How to say "hi" in other countries

France has "bonjour."

Japan has "konichiwa."

Germany has "guten tag."

England has "fuck off, yank."

China has "nihao."

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Ever wondered why China has one of the largest populations ?

It's not because their men are hornier or their women are sexier...

It's because their condoms are Made in China.

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

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Pole finds a lamp on the beach at Gdańsk

A Polish man walking along the beach at Gdańsk finds a lamp. He tries to polish the crud off it and as he does so >POOF< a genie appears and says to the Pole "for freeing me from the prison of the lamp you have 3 wishes"

The Pole thinks on his good fortune for a few minutes and ...

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

Ukrainian Peasant finds a Genie in a Bottle

A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”

So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from ...

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China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.

Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.

Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

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A woman has to decide between three bachelors

A woman in her early thirties is desperate to get married and goes on dates with three elegible bachelors: One from Italy, one from France, and one from China. They have all been equally amazing to the woman, who took years and years to make her decision because she just couldn’t pick.

One da...

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

Which is the largest wall in the world?

The Great Firewall of China

Little Ken Fok grew up working hard in his father’s restaurant in China

Every day before school he would get up at 6am and help prepare the dishes for that days lunch before coming home from school at 4pm to help with the evening shift by preparing and serving customers. He would make Spicy crab cakes, shredded pork and tofu. He would work until midnight and then repeat...

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China's economy is like America's pornography.

Cacheless.

Why do people in China smoke so much?

They need fresh air

I went on a trip to China and it wasn’t great. 2/5

But the flag was five stars

How do we know that the COVID virus wasn't made in China?

Because it has been 3 years and it's still working

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y...

Why is baseball banned in China?

We all know what happened the last time someone ate the bat.

Happy Chinese New Year! Or as they say in China:

Happy New Year!

A Chinese man came to India

He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy told the driver that the trains...

Say what you like about China...

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]

What is China’s national sport?

Hard labour.

So I got deported from China with a permanent travel ban for talking about my son

One day I decided to visit china. When I landed in the Chinese airport i found out that I received a text from my son Tyler saying that he won the town's annual drinking championship.

I decided to tell the wife about it and called her. It was very loud in the chinese airport and she couldn't...

Trains in China

Heard this joke in China but it probably applies in most major capital cities.

A guy from Beijing and a guy from Shanghai were talking about travelling on trains in their cities and how crowded the trains were.

The guy from Beijing says “In Beijing the trains are so crowded that the ot...

Covid is like the iPhone

Made in China but popular in the USA

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So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

Why doesn't China have a cricket team?

Because they would take out the whole world with one bat...

Another joke I heard in China

The function of the United Nations:

If there's a conflict between a small (weak) nation and a small (weak) nation, there is peace.

If there's a conflict between a large (powerful) nation and a small (weak) nation, the small (weak) nation is gone.

If there's a conflict between a ...

Peng Shuai was asked in the interview how is her life in China after this media debacle ?

She said "can't complain"

On their way to a summit, both Reagan and Gorbachev end up in car crashes, knocking them both into comas.

Ten years later, they wake up in adjacent rooms in the hospital, a screen separating the rooms but allowing them to see and hear each other. Both are curious about how the world changed in their absence, so Reagan asks for a copy of the New York Times, and Gorbachev asks for a copy of Pravda.
...

what do you call a knight made of fine china?

sir ramic

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

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A man yelled on the GreatWall of China, "Xi the pooh has a tiny penis"

He was caught by the police in a minute.

He was then notified that all of his family members are held up by the police. In the same evening, he was brought to the court.

The judge: You committed a very serious crime, you need not talk, you are now sentenced to death, so are you...

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It's been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it's ...

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.

The pirates’ leader, waving his gun, shouted: “the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!”

The official responded, calmly: “I will give you ...

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

Why was France not allowed to join AUKUS?

Because FAUKUS wouldn't sound right to scare China.

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

"A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy te...

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive. Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single- line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H. Trump was baffled, so he scanned it and emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so th...

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

What is common between Reddit and China?

They both don't like opinions.

What do they call Jehova Whitness in China?

Ding Dong

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,

The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"

Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"

The boss said " good...

Whats the difference between going to war with China and eating at a Chinese restaurant?

Wanton destruction vs Wonton consumption

I once tried dating in China and Turkey

It didn't work out, there were a lot of red flags everywhere

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

What’s worse than a bull in a China shop?

A hedgehog in a condom factory

Every thing is made in China apart from babies.

They are made in Vachina.

If someone on a first date tells me their hobbies include drawing the flag of China without the stars I think to myself...

that's a big red flag!

In Communist China you don't use iMessage

You use WeChat

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a ...

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?

Taiwanasaurus

I wanted to run for president of China, but apparently I'm not allowed to.

At least, that's what Xi said...

Army USA - Chines - Russian Poland joke

The commander of the Chinese army troops calls the US and proposes war:

Hello Americans, we want to declare war on you, what do you say?

American: At the moment it is not possible, our troops are in Iraq and Afghanistan, so for economic reasons it is out of the question, call Russia I ...

People in China are all preparing to celebrate the 100th anniversary - and so should we!

Winnie the Pooh's birthday is August 21, 1921 which is only about a month off :)

and oldie but a goodie

back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.

when his friend sen...

Communist Party centenary live:

**China has never ‘oppressed’ another country and never will, Xi says**

When a surveyor on the street asked me what superpower I'd like to have...

...apparently, the last answer they were expecting was 'China'.

I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

Today, I live in constant fear.

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!

There is freedom of speech in china

but there is no freedom after speech.

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

China may be catching up to the US economically...

...but they definitely won’t outweigh us.

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

Who is the president of china?

An entrepreneur was looking to do business overseas. He asked his assistant "Who is the president of China?"

His assistant replied, "No, Xi is the president of China."

"Who's she?"

No boss, "Hu is Hu, Xi is Xi"

I became a naval cook because I wanted to see the world!

But so far, I’ve only seen China, Turkey and Greece.

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

How do they laugh in China?

L-MAO!

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

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Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What country should the clumsy ambassador avoid handling?

China.

How do you express your opinion in China?

\[redacted\]

Why does China have the most accurate step-counters?

They track your every move

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual an...

What do cats in china say?

Mi Hao!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they call elevator in China?

Well,on a button like everywhere else in the world

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An American, a Chinese and an Indian went on a world tour by Air.

The American proudly declared "we have reached my homeland USA" pointing at the Statue of Liberty.

After some hours, the Chinese pointed at the Great Wall of China and exclaimed "friends, we have reached China".

More hours went by and all eyes were on the Indian. He calmly opened the w...

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

Do you know what Mao, the first leader of communist China, becomes when he laughs

LMAO

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

National Bank of USA decides to save some money on coin making...

so they buy a cheap coin making machine made in China.

Soon enough, it stops working, and the bank sends an engineer to fix it. As he looks into the machine, he realises that the hardware is completely different from american, and he does not understand anything about this Chinese coin making...

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I had sex with an Asian girl yesterday

Or as I like to call it, busting out the fine china

Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China

I hope they've put it straight into iceolation

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Anal swabs are made compulsory for all international travellers to China.

This is in line with their "China first" policy. First China enters you, then you enter China.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US Government furious at China for making Covid anal swabs mandatory for all foreign arrivals

If anyone's going to fuck our citizens, it's gonna be us! The US government!

what did the british guy say when he discovered that tea was first made in china?

real tea is often disappointing



repost because the first one had too many spelig misteks

Where does China keep their political prisoners?

Wontonamo Bay

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NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

Three Chinese friends

Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China.

A man in China was killed by a group of underaged doctors.

He died by euthanasia.

What is a Karen called in China?

Kalen

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