Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death

Plaguearism

A copy pulls over an old lady driving very slowly on the highway...

...and sees three other old ladies in the car, all of whom are terrified.

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving 35 miles per hour on the highway.

Old Lady: Well, that's because the speed limit is 35.

Cop: No, this is HIGHWAY 35. The speed limit is 65. By the way, why ...

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

Larry Tesler, inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my Word!

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new monk arrives at the monastery ...

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

My girlfriend bought me a copy of the kama sutra last week...

... which put me in an awkward postition.

What do you call a cat copying off of another cat?

.....a cheetah!

Today I learned about the Astley paradox!

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.

However, in doing so, he lets you down.

Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

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Darth Vader walks into his local record shop and asks for a copy of George Michael's debut solo album

The guy behind the counter says "I'm sorry, it's out of stock."

Darth Vader shakes his head and says "I find your lack of Faith disturbing..."

A teacher is trying to persuade the kids to buy a copy of the class' group picture:

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out: “And there’s our teacher, she’s dead.”

Have you heard of the chinese copy of Wu-tang Clan?

It's called Wu-han Clan

I sued a guy for copying my idea for a water bottle briefcase

Unfortunately, my case didn't hold water.

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A Shinto Priest was walking by a member of the Japanese Communist Party holding a copy of the Marx's Manifesto

He pointed at the guy and shouted: "What are you, a kami?"

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I just found a pirated copy of "Uncut Gems" on PornHub.

It was a little longer than I would have liked.

A man goes to a music store and starts copying down some sheet music

Clerk: "Sir, are you plagiarising that music?"
Man: "No, I'm just taking some notes"

I got caught with a copy of the Constitution

I swear I read it for the articles.

An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.

It's called *Prints of Persia*.

What do you call a written copy of Chinese history from Tiananmen Square?

[REDACTED]

First day as a cop

Me: “Suspect is dancing naked in the street.”

Dispatch: “Copy that.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try, but I’m not much of a dancer.”

Three guys just met eachother and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I am a Redditor."

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This morning I dropped a copy of A Christmas Carol right on my toe

It hurt like the dickens

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their r...

What do plagiarists brush with?

Copy paste.

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A copy of 'Oliver Twist' fell off the shelf and hit me on the head.

It hurts like the Dickens!


< source: LOL Cats>

To be or not to be?

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction.
My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'

Teach a man a joke, he'll tell it too everyone,

But teach a man to copy & paste, he'll tell everyone's jokes.

My wife said she was leaving me because she didn’t like how I was copying her

So I left her because I didn’t like how she was copying me

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You’ve taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

Picasso said "good artists copy but great artists steal"

I don't understand if this sub if filled with good artists or great artists

What do you call a guy that only has 1 copy of Microsoft office?

A man of few words

A police officer attempts to stop a car...

for speeding but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your ...

-Officer Johnson here...

\-*Officer, go ahead.*

\-We responded to a call about a woman who stabbed his husband 38 times after he walked in on the floor still wet. We're at the location.

\-*Copy, Officer Johnson. Have you arrested the woman yet?*

\-Negative, we're waiting for the floor to dry.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

cool funny jokes that i can copy and paste on to reddit

wait this isn't google



shit

A time traveler arrives in the year 2069 and decides to check in with Reddit to see if it's still around.

To his surprise it is. So he heads to /r/jokes to see what has developed in the world of humor.

To his surprise, each post consisted of just a number. Scrolling through, he saw that each vote had a hundreds of upvotes while 3527 had thousands and several awards to boot.

Puzzled, he ...

I had a job interview yesterday...

The chap conducting the interview had a copy of my CV in front of him. He said to me

"It says here you're a man of mystery"

"That's correct" I replied

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"No"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

If you give someone a video copy of the bad news bears...

You are the bearer of the bad new bears.

Did you hear about the Irishman who bought a copy of "Guinness World Records"??

He thought it was an L.P of Irish drinking songs

A woman walks into a local book shop

She wants to read a classic, and is excited to find a copy of Jane Eyre. When she goes to pay, the owner tells her, “I’m so sorry, that wasn’t supposed to be for sale. I mean to gift it to my daughter.”

She goes to find another book and come across a collection of Shakespeare plays. She goes ...

I decided to ruin my friend’s proposal to someone else, so here’s what happened

I think the title sounds worse than it really is. My (24M) best friend (24M) Hugh was planning to propose to his girlfriend Samantha (25F) by recreating some of the moments from their early dates. This included watching the Pixar movie Up and going rock climbing at an indoor gym, among other things....

The librarian and the chicken

There was a librarian who worked at the west town library for over 15 years. One day, on an otherwise normal day, a chicken hopped into the library, right up onto the librarians desk, looked her straight in the eyes, and said “bawwwwk bawk bawk bawk !”

She looked at the chicken, confused. Th...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

You walk into a bar and see Rick Astley sitting alone

You sit next to him and start talking

Eventually, the conversation leads to talk of your favorite Pixar movies

Rick tells you that his favorite of all time is Up, he even owns a physical copy of the movie with bonus features

You say that you've always wanted to see it but never ...

A man walks into a newsagent and says, “One copy of yesterday’s newspaper please.”

The next day he does the same thing, walks in and asks for a copy of yesterday’s paper.

After a few days of this, the clerk asks as he’s handing him his paper, “Hey, why do you always get yesterday’s paper, not today’s?”

“Because, “ replies the man, “I don’t want any spoilers.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!

Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I fucked a DVD

Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it sta...

I went to the library looking for a copy of the Kama sutra...

I couldn't find it. So I complained to the librarian.
They Replied "Ah that's cause it's in a different position every week"

Brother Mark arrives at the monastery where he intends to devote his life to servitude to the Lord.

When he arrives, he discovers that the other brothers are creating new books by copying from previous copies.

So he asks Brother John, 'Do you ever proofread these copies against the original? How do you know that someone isn’t copying a mistake?

Brother John ponders this and decides, ...

A cop sees a dancing suspect

Cop: Suspect is engaging in high-profile break-dancing in the main square

Radio: Copy that

Cop: I’ve had a couple breakdance lessons but I’m no way as good as him sir

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

I noticed my friend had a copy of The Encyclopedia Britannica...

...I thought that explains a lot.

Who is the patron saint of copying people into emails?

St. Francis of a CC

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shove a copy of Shaun of the Dead up someone's ass

Simon Pegging

Hey can I copy your report like I copied your math paper?

No. And you should do you own work.

"Yeah and you should get a tutor cause I got a C"

Wait... You got a C? But I got a D.

Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work

Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.

A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill.

She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.

A woman made a 20¢ copy at my library and paid with a quarter, but told me to keep the change.

"Nobody wants nickel back."

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