This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

Girl, you must be a savings account...

Because my interest is to compound you daily.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have sex daily

Dyslexia*

I have dyslexia.

A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”

​

“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.

​

“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”

&#x200...

Daily Dose o’ jokes

I found my friend in a cereal box. He’s a fruit loop, if you get what 8 mean.

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

A teacher is interviewing her class on their daily habits

- Teacher: What do you do all day, James?
- James: Well I wake up, have breakfast and then go to school. After school finishes I head back home, have dinner and hit the sack.

Glad that James has a normal, healthy day, the teacher encourages him to keep it up and moves on to the next studen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor in a mental institution is making his daily rounds. Long NSFW

In the first room he visits he finds a man pretending to bounce and shoot a ball. He asks the man what he is doing, he replies “when I get out of here I’m going to be a professional basketball player!” The doctor says “oh that’s great!” And proceeds to the next room.

In the next room he find...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I browse TikTok daily but only on the toilet...

Because I don’t want the shit on my phone to get lonely

It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

How much cocaine do cryptographers use on the daily?

A few anagrams.

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

Looking up skirts it’s just one of the daily routines of my job...

... because I sure as hell don’t want to be the guy who put a “do not dryclean “ item in the wrong bin.

After watching her daily for a few months I finally gathered courage to go talk to her.

Me: I think you are cute, how about we go watch a movie and dinner later tonite?

Her: Sorry, but I don't think coworkers are allowed to date per HR policy.


Me: that should not be a problem as I don't think of you as a coworker. I never see you doing any work...

Girls use chemicals to remove polish on a daily and no one bats an eye...

But when Hitler does it everyone loses their mind

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint.

He is now high on my list of priorities.

Okay, I got this super racist joke I want to share...

*Apologies in advance for offending anybody. Please don't lynch me for this*

Allah, Buddha and Vishnu decided to play a game. Buddha won the game, and as the winner, he gets to flick the losers forehead with his fingers.
Buddha flicks Vishnu, and Vishnu goes spinning and cartwheeling midai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

Idiots

A wife is sitting at home when a breaking news report appears on the TV stating there is a deranged man driving 100 mph on the freeway against traffic during rush hour. Remembering that this is the same route her husband drives home on a daily basis, the shocked and terrified woman quickly grabs the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was really excited when I first read that could have daily sex.

But it turns out I just have "dsylexia."

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(Long) God was in the gate's heaven listening how people died, in order to let them in

(I'm really sorry for the bad grammar... I'm not native - feel free to correct the text, so i can edit it)

So the first guy arrives in gate's heaven:


God: So... We need to know how you've died, so we can let you in.

Guy: Ok. You won't believe in that... Me and my wife live...

A joke I heard recently about depression:

One day, a man is so sick and tired of the usual routine that he decides to finally take action and seek a doctor for psychological help.

He goes to the doctor and confesses for the first time the feelings which haunt his daily life: how he perceives the world is harsh and cruel, how he feels...

I am a waiter.

I wait for bus at bus stand daily while going to college

Im so bad at confrontation

I lose arguments with myself on a daily basis.

One day, a young deer named Frank Lee went out with his mother...

As they were carrying on with their daily business, they came across a river with a beaver building a dam.


The young deer asked his mother, “Why is the beaver building a dam?”


His mother responded, “Not for long. Watch and learn, son.”


The mother then proceeded to...

My dentist tells me to floss my teeth daily.

I wish he'd leave me alone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of ...

daily commute

I'm not sure if people don't sit next to me on the train because I'm black, or because I look Muslim. It's a win for me either way.

A daily exercise routine..

..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girlfriend: Your dick is so soft and smooth!

Me: thanks! I've been moisturizing it daily for years.

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen was touring a hospital

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if ...

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord’s Prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken”

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

“100 million dollars”, says the KFC r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A long time ago, every village used to have its own scribe.

The scribes were the only people who knew how to read and write, and were enormously respected. They were considered the heads of each village, and helped out in the daily governing.

Well, the scribe of one of the villages had grown quite old, and was too tired to help every day. He got him...

An Irishman has been shipwrecked and stranded on an island for over 20 years. [MEDIUM]

One day, on his daily walk of the beach, he sees something way out in the ocean. At first he couldn’t make out what it was, as it got closer, he could see something red.

Finally, it was close enough to determine that the red was actually the hair of a woman. A very pretty dame in her 20s. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

Asked a hen how many eggs it lays daily?

It said: two eggs

I said: Oh strange!

It said: what's strange? the fact that I lay two eggs?

I said: no, the fact that you talk

Once upon a time an alien race tried to invade Earth (OC)

Humans were at a loss to protect themselves, then The Doctor came and and protected Earth. Everyone asked, "Doctor Who?"

There was no answer. Humans moved on and named The Doctor, "Doctor Who".

&#x200B;

Once again an Alien race tried to invade earth. Helpless earth chanted...

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

My grandpa was too sick to hear my daily joke at lunch today so I wanted to share his favorite joke!

There's a blonde rowing a boat out in a cornfield when another blonde drives by and sees her. She pulls over and yells to the blonde in the field, "You're the reason people think blondes are so stupid, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

PS- Thanks to this sub for const...

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader..?

Tell him that Asylum Seekers are the natural predators of Paedophiles.

A woman visits a monastery

She asks the head monk a few questions about improving her concentration in her daily life, but the monk says the answer is too long. He offers to e-mail her later, which leads her to ask, "Are monks allowed to use e-mail?" to which the monk replies, "Sure, as long as they don't have any attachments...

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?"

"Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this offic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.

The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to ea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, sued St Pauls Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A Hospital spokesman replied:
Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.

I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms

And they’ll all be open 11-3 daily

A man was walking into Starbucks for his daily coffee,

except this time there were a ton of birds, numbering in the thousands. He walked in and asked the barista, "Hey, what's up with all these birds?" The barista replied, "I'm not sure, but it's affecting our business. Tell you what, I'll give you a dollar for every bird you can kill. I've got some bur...

Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by murderers, rapists, and other violent criminals, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a ...

If Christians have the Daily Bread, what do Buddhists have?

The Daily Lama

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father having trouble in bed

A father is in for his daily check up, and the doctor comes back to him saying

“Everything seems to be good, anything troubling you?”

The father replies,”Well.... you see recently me and the wife have been having some trouble when we try to get it on, mostly it me not being able to kee...

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years.

Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.

One old man reeled in his line, laid down his rod, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his rod and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated "I didn't know you we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife divorced me after years of daily penis enlargement surgeries.

She couldn't take it any longer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saint Peter is doing his daily routine...

Saint Peter is doing his daily routine at the heavenly gates when he has to pee.
Jesus comes by bringing him his daily coffee and Peter asks him to man the gates for a couple of minutes.


-“Sure man, what do I have to do?”

-“It’s not that hard”, St. Peter says, “You just ask a fe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dressed up as a woman for a day just to see what they go through on a daily basis...

apparently women get called faggot A LOT.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mountain Moonshine

Tom worked at a popular bar in New York City and had to deal with a lot of shitty people on a daily basis. To get away from everyone he decided to take a vacation far out west to find peace and solitude; a place where no one would bother him.

He rented a cabin deep in the wilds of Montana, w...

My daily regime

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the...

Chase releases new feature option to have your balance text to you daily

I just wish they didn't add "lol" at the end of it.

A doctor and a lawyer liked the same girl

Doctor used to give her a rose daily and lawyer used to give her an apple

Girl got confused and asked: "There is meaning in giving rose, why are you giving me an apple?"

Lawyer: "Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away"

The Polite way

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her, the polite way, that you have to go to the bathroom?'


Michael said, 'Just ...

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

joke - Daily dose of laughter.

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

California follows the Bible better than any other state.

Our gays get stoned daily.

&#x200B;

(ps. didn't know if the nsfw tag was needed, but better safe than sorry)