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My doctor wrote a prescription for daily sex

But my gf says it's dyslexia

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

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I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia\*

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

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I don't have to get a job to live, I don't live in my parents house, I have sex often, I read books and workout daily!

Can't wait to get out of jail

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

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A Jungle Tale of Justice (Long)

Deep in the jungle there is a local watering hole that nearly all animals flock to each morning for a drink of water. They talk amongst themselves until a mean and angry lion lumbers to the watering hole, fearfully scattering everyone back into the jungle. Each morning a gorilla watches this daily b...

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I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

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An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

The waiter says, "Señor, every Sunday during bullfight season, we sell Cojones in honor of the bull fights. So yes, today we are selling bull testicles. We know the spor...

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

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Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

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I know this guy

He has sex 2-3 times a day. Every day! Works out once or twice daily, he's in great shape. He even reads a book a week.

Would you believe this guy has the nerve to complain?

"Boohoo I'm in prison"

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

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An artist's wife starts having sex with him daily.

While a bit unusual, he didn't question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.

"Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What would you like me to draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her, ey...

Why can't Superman attend the Daily Planet meeting?

Because Clark Can't.

A television crew comes to the farm to make an interview with the shephard about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" Asks the reporter.

"Oh, yeah sure." starts the shephard, "So first I wake up, but I really don't wanna so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day. Then I have ...

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

Studies have found that if women sleep for 8 to 10 hours daily, there is a significant decrease in hypertension and diabetes…

In their husbands!

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Another Dad joke

Four old guys are playing their almost daily round of golf one day. They get to the teebox on a par 3 which is within sight of a nearby road. The first three guys hit their shots and miss the green. The last old guy tees up his ball. Just then, a funeral procession drives by in the distance. The old...

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The appliances in a sexy woman's bathroom start arguing...

It all started when the bathtub was bragging he gets to see her naked everyday.
The sink piped up, "That's nothing. Daily oral. What guy could ask for more?"
The toilet flushed, "Amateur. I get both holes. Anal multiple times a day."
The tub, feeling like he shouldn't be beat by the toile...

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Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

What do you call it when a computer does something daily

A da-ta day routine

Went to a restaurant with my wife and the host’s name was Alex. So I said “Table for 2 Alex”

We were the first Daily Double…

If anyone gets this joke I apologize immensely. Bad dry dad jokes are kinda my thing.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

"Doc, my hearing is failing! I can't even hear myself fart!"

"Here, take these pills daily for a week."

"Will they make me hear better?"

"No, they'll make you fart louder."

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.

So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"

The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."

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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

When I was a kid I used to pray for a bike daily.

When I grow up, I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness?

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a...

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

Did you know every president since Eisenhower has had a daily briefing every morning six days a week?

The only exception was Reagan, who would usually soil himself in the afternoon and require a second pair.

Donald trump was getting his daily briefing...

“Sir, there was another 60,000 cases of corona and a thousand Americans died”

“Huh” - the orange elder barely nods and continues watching Fox.

“Sir- also there was a riot in downtown DC and two cops and fourteen protesters are dead and sixteen in custody”
“Yawn... next”, replies th...

where do cannibals go to get their 5 daily veggies?

To the ICU ward.

Daily Covid-19 check

At 7 p.m. open the whiskey bottle and smell it.

If you can smell, you are not infected.

Then pour it in in a glass tumbler.

Taste it. if you can feel the taste, you are not infected.

\~ Dr Johnny Walker

Our town's oldest paperboy died today, at 84.

86 are wondering where their Daily Mirror's got to.

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A Man and His Problem

A man had an extraordinary problem. He had a 15 inch penis. Naturally, it caused him great inconvenience in his daily life, so he wished to shorten his penis. He went to many a doctor, but they all confessed that it was beyond them to fix him. Having lost all hope, as a last resort he visited a wit...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

A pastor dies and get into heaven



He arrives at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is sitting high atop a chair at a podium greets him. "John H Smith, welcome to Heaven. We have seen your life's work. Here is a key to your mansion with 10 rooms, silver gilded windows & golden walls. 20 angels to help you with your daily lifes...

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire . The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge...

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In India, they shit on the streets

In UK, they shit in the Daily Mail and Sun

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life

I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

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I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

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Whilst on his daily walk, a man finds a dirty old whiskey bottle.

In order to see the label, he gives it a rub.

POOF, a genie pops out.

"I will grant you one wish and one wish only. The only catch is, you have only 10 seconds to make your wish" says the genie.

The man looks down at the whiskey bottle, and sees it fitting to make the following ...

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What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

With all the daily reposts, I might as well tell this joke.

A new convict named Bob was taken in today and the guards were ushering him to his cell.

As they were walking, an inmate shouted "Number 16". And everyone laughed.

When they reached his cell, another inmate shouted "Number 35". And everyone laughed again.

Bob had a cell mate and...

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News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employ...

A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”

“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.

“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”

“All right,” Tammy says. “I am the letter that ...

My stoned friend used my daily planner to roll a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of priorities.

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Just got a letter from my doctor, apparently I have sex daily

Oh wait, it's dyslexia. Never mind.

During this time of quarantine I have been in touch with my inner self daily.

This is the last time I will ever buy Walmart brand toilet paper.

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

People living with HIV, what is your daily life like?

I’m guessing pretty positive

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Me: "Doctor doctor, the Covid pandemic has made my dick go orange..."

Doctor: "That's strange, can you tell me about your daily routine?"

Me: "Well we've been stuck in the house so I've been pretty much just watching porn and eating Cheetos"

Seeking jokes for my grandmother who has dementia

My 90 year old grandma is in an assisted living home due to her dementia. She has been feeling isolated (no visits due to Covid).

I have decided to start calling her everyday with a "Joke Of The Day" but I need your help with grandma friendly jokes.

All submissions are greatly appr...

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

President Trump has been taking xanax daily.

He heard it helps with Hispanic attacks.

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

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A local news station interviews a farmer about a farmer's daily life.

Interviewer: So, Mister, where do you wash your cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?

The interviewer wonders what the farmer means and goes along with it.

Interviewer: Umm... the white one.
Farmer: I wash her by the river.
Interviewer: What about the black one? ...

My Doctor told me I was overweight and I should do something daily that gets me slightly out of breath.

So I took up smoking.

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

An elderly lady visits the doctor for a regular checkup...

After the checkup the doctor asks "anything else?" The old gal replies that yes, indeed there is something else but it's quite embarrassing. The doctor assures her that being a doctor, nothing fases him. So she continues "you see doctor, I've got terrible gas, funny thing is its silent and odorless....

A man won $100 million dollars in the lottery. Realizing he could buy whatever he wanted, he switched to gold toilet paper and secured a generous supply of daily burrittos

In a single year, his entire winnings were wiped out.

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What do you call a person who has daily appearances on TV yet, fucks up their job ~25% of the time and...still...manages...to...keep...it?

A weatherman.

What do you call a stable female?

A mare.

(This was a clue on the Daily Crossword app today which I couldn't figure out. I thought it was cute.)

A ship is ambushed in the open ocean.

After a couple hours of combat, the crew is overwhelmed and pirates come aboard. They proceed to line up the captured men and one by one ask who they think the best sailor is on their vessel. The majority of men say that the lookout Seamus has the most experience under his belt. Hearing this the pir...

What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral?

In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

A man was going through the daily newspaper and suddenly decided that he wanted a dog...

He was going through the pets for sale section of the newspaper when he came across a cute brown puppy that he decided he was going to buy.
So he called the advertiser and asked regarding the dog :-

Man -"so I wanted to know if the brown puppy put up for sale is still available?"

A...

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At a conference a sex therapist was discussing his book Sex in a Marriage

The therapist asked the audience “how many couples have sex daily” about 20% of the audience raised their hands

then he asked “how many couples have sex weekly”about 30% raised their hands

then he asked “how many couples have sex monthly” the remaining audience raised their hands
...

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.

It's just his daily poutine.

I don't like teachers who make me calculate with humans.

They commit math genocide on a daily basis.

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A man just woke up and went to the park for his daily morning walk.

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

How to know everything you need to know

Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman’s progress...

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

What is a superstitious monsters favorite daily read?

Its horrorscope

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of ...

My dentist tells me to floss my teeth daily.

I wish he'd leave me alone.

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

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The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation sy...

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs. His advisor concluded it with, "and yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an attack."

"That's terrible!" responded the president. "We need to act now. I need to talk directly with the people. Set up a time for it, a...

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The Four Balconies- NSFW

There was an apt building with 4 balconies. On the bottom one there was a guy that loved to eat pickles every day out there. On the balcony above him was an eccentric painter that was obsessed with the color green and if anything, even a leaf flew by, he'd grab it and paint it green. On the 3rd balc...

Once upon a time there was a brutal and ruthless king...

Once upon a time there was a brutal and ruthless king that had restricted lives of his citizens to a point where his throne was at the risk of being overthrown. There were daily riots and people were fed up with their lives as a result of being oppressed so much and having virtually no rights.
...

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Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

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