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Daily Jokes

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

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An artist's wife starts having sex with him daily.

While a bit unusual, he didn't question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.

"Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What would you like me to draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her, ey...

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A guy chats with his milkman during the weekly daily delivery.

"You should've seen yesterday's party, it was great. There was me, my wife and many couples in the neighborhood. By the end we were completely hammered."

"Oh yeah? How did it go?" The milkman inquires.

"Well, we got so drunk that we got the idea for a little game. The men went into ano...

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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

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I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

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I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia*

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit which gives you your entire daily potassium requirement?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know. I was shocked too.

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A new study has shown 85% of men masturbate daily.

Coincidentally, the same study showed that 15% of men are pathological liars.

My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint

He’s now high on my list of priorities.

A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”

“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.

“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”

“All right,” Tammy says. “I am the letter that ...

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It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the ...

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I have daily sex too

Remember Masturbation is sex with someone you love

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

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What does Nas Daily say after having sex with his wife

That’s one minute. See you tomorrow!

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksa...

Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied t...

KFC

A man goes to see the pope.

"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word f...

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The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' "
The Pope responds, ...

Daily Covid-19 check

At 7 p.m. open the whiskey bottle and smell it.

If you can smell, you are not infected.

Then pour it in in a glass tumbler.

Taste it. if you can feel the taste, you are not infected.

\~ Dr Johnny Walker

Hundreds of thousands of people throughout history could have died from eating apples daily…

…due to not having access to a Dr when they needed one.

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

Why can't Superman attend the Daily Planet meeting?

Because Clark Can't.

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a...

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Why can't you use the Daily Mail as toilet paper?

Because it's already covered in shit.

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident that Happened. So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"
The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
It took me a whole minute to understand this.

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employ...

Donald trump was getting his daily briefing...

“Sir, there was another 60,000 cases of corona and a thousand Americans died”

“Huh” - the orange elder barely nods and continues watching Fox.

“Sir- also there was a riot in downtown DC and two cops and fourteen protesters are dead and sixteen in custody”
“Yawn... next”, replies th...

where do cannibals go to get their 5 daily veggies?

To the ICU ward.

What do you call it when a computer does something daily

A da-ta day routine

The price of our local daily newspapers is going to increase next week

Since I got this information early enough, I will buy 1,000 copies today so that I can make a huge profit when the price increases. That is, I will buy low and sell high.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

A television crew comes to the farm to make an interview with the shephard about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" Asks the reporter.

"Oh, yeah sure." starts the shephard, "So first I wake up, but I really don't wanna so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day. Then I have ...

President Trump has been taking xanax daily.

He heard it helps with Hispanic attacks.

So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life

I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.

I recently bought a female Horse that I was hoping to ride daily, but she only sleeps during the day.

She's turning out to be such a Nightmare.

People living with HIV, what is your daily life like?

I’m guessing pretty positive

A daily exercise routine..

..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.

New Daily Joke WTF??

I recently found this sub reddit and thought it would be a great place to come and find some funny jokes( yep no joke). I noticed however that most of the front page is this newdailyjoke.com website and 9/10 of them are god awful. Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me? How have so many of ...

What is a superstitious monsters favorite daily read?

Its horrorscope

My daily regime

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the...

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LPT: If You're unhappy with your life, remember it's a question of perspective, my friend has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises daily, reads two books weekly, but he's still complaining about his life

...in prison

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind?

Bullets.

When I was a kid I used to pray for a bike daily.

When I grow up, I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness?

Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change t...

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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

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A local news station interviews a farmer about a farmer's daily life.

Interviewer: So, Mister, where do you wash your cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?

The interviewer wonders what the farmer means and goes along with it.

Interviewer: Umm... the white one.
Farmer: I wash her by the river.
Interviewer: What about the black one? ...

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I got blackmailed by a person who claims to have nudes of me

Jokes on him, now I filmed myself, send him daily videos and ask for money to make me stop.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

The waiter says, "Señor, every Sunday during bullfight season, we sell Cojones in honor of the bull fights. So yes, today we are selling bull testicles. We know the spor...

What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral?

In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs. His advisor concluded it with, "and yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an attack."

"That's terrible!" responded the president. "We need to act now. I need to talk directly with the people. Set up a time for it, a...

Asked a hen how many eggs it lays daily?

It said: two eggs

I said: Oh strange!

It said: what's strange? the fact that I lay two eggs?

I said: no, the fact that you talk

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

joke - Daily dose of laughter.

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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I browse TikTok daily but only on the toilet...

Because I don’t want the shit on my phone to get lonely

A teacher is interviewing her class on their daily habits

- Teacher: What do you do all day, James?
- James: Well I wake up, have breakfast and then go to school. After school finishes I head back home, have dinner and hit the sack.

Glad that James has a normal, healthy day, the teacher encourages him to keep it up and moves on to the next studen...

How much cocaine do cryptographers use on the daily?

A few anagrams.

During this time of quarantine I have been in touch with my inner self daily.

This is the last time I will ever buy Walmart brand toilet paper.

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

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A doctor in a mental institution is making his daily rounds. Long NSFW

In the first room he visits he finds a man pretending to bounce and shoot a ball. He asks the man what he is doing, he replies “when I get out of here I’m going to be a professional basketball player!” The doctor says “oh that’s great!” And proceeds to the next room.

In the next room he find...

A man was walking into Starbucks for his daily coffee,

except this time there were a ton of birds, numbering in the thousands. He walked in and asked the barista, "Hey, what's up with all these birds?" The barista replied, "I'm not sure, but it's affecting our business. Tell you what, I'll give you a dollar for every bird you can kill. I've got some bur...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

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A Muslim and a Christian get into a fight.

Christian: ever seen a cross? I’m gonna shove one up your ass.
Muslim: oh yeah?? Shove the five daily prayers up your ass.
Christian: WTF are the five daily prayers?
Muslim: they’re a pillar of Islam.

(hope it translates well, It’s more hilarious in Farsi)

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I was really excited when I first read that could have daily sex.

But it turns out I just have "dsylexia."

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What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

Yo mama's so intrinsic she compounds daily.

All my finance majors out there.

A man was going through the daily newspaper and suddenly decided that he wanted a dog...

He was going through the pets for sale section of the newspaper when he came across a cute brown puppy that he decided he was going to buy.
So he called the advertiser and asked regarding the dog :-

Man -"so I wanted to know if the brown puppy put up for sale is still available?"

A...

If you drink 2 glasses of Kale juice daily, it will destroy your belly fat and

Your desire to live too.

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

If Christians have the Daily Bread, what do Buddhists have?

The Daily Lama

Did you know every president since Eisenhower has had a daily briefing every morning six days a week?

The only exception was Reagan, who would usually soil himself in the afternoon and require a second pair.

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A man just woke up and went to the park for his daily morning walk.

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

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How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers kill pedophiles.

Looking up skirts it’s just one of the daily routines of my job...

... because I sure as hell don’t want to be the guy who put a “do not dryclean “ item in the wrong bin.

During the Gulf war, U.S. President George Bush was getting his daily intelligence briefing...

The briefer said "I'm sorry to report that a Brazilian was killed in Iraq today." President Bush said I'm sorry to hear that. As the next briefer entered the room, the president whispered to his Chief of Staff, "How many is a Brazilian anyway?"

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