This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick was in the Guinness world records books

Until the librarian kicked me out

A woman walks up to a librarian and asks them where the books on paranoia are

They reply: “they’re right behind you”

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I said to the librarian, "Hey bitch, have you got any books on immigration?"

"Get the fuck out of here!" she snapped.

"Yes, that's the one," I said.

Why are first books afraid of their sequels?

Because they always come after them.

Why didn’t the Soviet Union publish any Where’s Waldo books?

It would be too easy to find Waldo, everyone would be waiting in a lineup.

A man walks into a bookstore and asks, "Got any books on turtles?"

The shopkeeper replies, "Hardback?"

The man says, "Yeah. And little heads."

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

A Man Bought a Book

One time, a young man goes in a very dark road as he went home and saw an elderly man sitting along the way. The elderly man is weird and suspicious-looking. The man called him, but the younger one ignored. The elderly man kept on calling him, so the young man got frightened, but he released all his...

I finished 5 books during the quarantine

That's a lot of coloring.

I'll be at Barnes and Noble signing books

from 7pm EST, until whenever security catches me and kicks me out

Sell books

A well-known writer is going to visit the bookstore. The bookstore owner was flattered and quickly removed all the books and replaced them with the authors' books. After the writer came to the bookstore, he was very happy and asked, "Does your store only sell my books?"

"Of course not." The b...

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A man books an appointment for an abnormally large penis

He books the appointment with doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man mus...

A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: "Book, book, book"

The librarian hands out three books to the chicken.

On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: "Book, book, book"

The frog replies: "Reddit, reddit, reddit"

I like the Harry Potter books and movies but

I think the character of Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.

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A guy goes to a book store and asks the clerk if they have any books for guys with small dicks. The clerk says, "It's not in yet"

The guy says, "That's the one!"

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs.

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head.

Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.

The library in our town had thousands and thousands of books

But even then everyone referred to it as the two storey building.

Two math books were walking down the street

One math book looked at the other and said, "Bro, we got problems"

"Have you got any books on turtles?", asked the boy to the librarian.

\-Hard back?
\-Yes, with little heads.

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

Man this book on natural selection is really fascinating me

I wonder if there are any other books about the Darwin awards

More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.

War of the Worlds in My Pants

The Two Towers in My Pants

Great Expectations in My Pants

To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants

Rising Strong in My Pants

My friend was recently crushed to death under a huge pile of books.

He's got only his shelf to blame

Sometimes I think books can teach me about transcendental idealism.

Other times I think a manual can't.

The saying “never lend your books, you’ll never get them back” is true

I know this because my library is full of books that other folks have lent me

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