My Oscars speech

I have to thank my arms for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me and my fingers because i could always count on them.

Where does Oscar from The Office get his water?

From the well, actually.

We really shouldn't care what people at the Oscars say

They are all paid actors anyway

Steven Yeun makes Oscars history as first Asian American to be nominated for best actor.

Which is honestly disheartening because there are so many Asian American actors in the past who had performances that deserved best actor.

Like Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

I earned an Oscar for being the best producer.

He was born and named yesterday after my long fight against fertility.

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?

Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke?

Because he finally got it

Can't believe Goonies didn't win an Oscar

It deserves one of those AU guys!

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Why don't porn movies win Oscars?

Because the plots are full of holes.

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

Max asks his best friend Oscar a question.

Max: "Hey Oscar, wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"
Oscar: "Uh ... not really."
Max: "I guarantee it's a good one."
Oscar: "Uh ... okay."
Max: "Okay. Start it."
Oscar: "Uh ... knock-knock."
Max: "Who's there?"
Oscar: ???

Why did the scarecrow win an Oscar?

Because he was outstanding in his field

OJ Simpson, Oscar Pistorius, and Scott Peterson walk into a bar...

...all 3 order a Bloody Mary.

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.

"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"

"Oscar Peterson is ...

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Why aren’t porno movies included in the Oscars?

I mean winning an Oscar pretending to be the Queen of England is one thing, but looking like you’re enjoying two dicks in your ass, now THAT’S acting.

Oscar the Grouch is an ideal quarantine mascot.

I don’t know about physical distancing, but he sure practices social distancing.

What's the difference between ramen soup and an Oscar-bait movie?

You watch one for three minutes, stirring occasionally. You watch the other for three hours and it's occasionally stirring.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

Oscar Chavez was a great fencer

He won many tournaments until he entered the r/jokes fencing tournament.

He used his usual aggressive thrusts, but only his opponents quick parries would score points.

Enraged, he asked the judges why he lost without scoring any points.

"I'm sorry, but this is r/jokes, OC alwa...

If Oscar Pistorius’s lower legs hadn’t been amputated

he would have been an un-de-feeted champion

Oscar Pistorius

Surely Oscar Pistorius isn't the only guy who's come home legless, and then shot a load into his girlfriend's face while imaging it was someone else?

Oscar Pistorius really wanted a new bathroom door

but his girlfriend was dead against it.

I heard Oscar the Grouch was getting kicked off of Sesame Street.

Apparently he was trash talking the other cast members behind their backs.

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Damnit Oscar!

So a man is going to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time and is incredibly nervous. He arrives just before dinner and is sitting in the living room with the father and their dog Oscar while the girlfriend and mother are preparing the meal.

Being nervous, the mans stomach is turnin...

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

Several aristocrats are having a party on a cruise ship, when the captain comes down and interrupts.

"I have some good news and some bad news," he says. "Which do you want to hear first?"

"Good!" everyone says in unison.

The captain says, "We won eleven Oscars!"

Have you heard of the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?

Every time someone goes in the bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots.

Didn't see Liam Neeson at the Oscars last night.

Must be on a blacklist

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Where did Oscar the Grouch get all of his opiates from?

Poppy street

Why was Spike Lee mad after the Oscars?

Jussie Smollett got the Oscars for writing, producing and directing BlackKlansmen

Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements?

He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it

My friend Oscar told a joke to Leo Di Caprio.

He didn't get it.

And the Oscar goes to...


Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject...

Someone called out "The Queen!"

"Ah", replied Wilde, "but the Queen is not a subject."

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Titanic should get an Oscar for best porno

in the end everyone got fucked up

Why hasn't Liam Neeson been nominated for another Oscar in the last 10 years?

All his roles have been Taken

The Olympic committee wanted to name a celestial body after Oscar Pistorius.

But they were denied since he is already a shooting star.

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Oscar Wilde walks into a bar with a large manuscript under his arm...

The bartender asks, "Why the long farce?"

Oscar Wilde once said you can never be overdressed

Clearly he never showed up to an orgy in a clown suit

How are Manchester City and Oscar Pistorius similar?

They lost both legs, but still managed to get four shots on target.

Oh snap..I missed the Oscars again.

That makes 35 years in a row now.

Why did Oscar Pistorius lose his murder trial?

Because his defense didn’t have a leg to stand on

I saw that Get Out has a 40% Chance of Winning the Best Picture Oscar

White People Finally get to see what it's like to be 3/5ths

It's ironic that Parasite won.

Because there was no host for the Oscars.

Huh? Huh?
I'll show myself out.

Thank you for the silver star!. My first!

We should probably stop all the 'Leo never won an Oscar' jokes...'s now irrevenant.

A Red Oscar Envelope walks into a bar and asks

am I Moonlighting or Emma Stoned?

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty to the charge of premeditated murder

Frankly I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.

Oscars experience mistake awarding Best Picture to Moonlight...

Hollywood blames Russian hacking

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Oscar Pistorius is soon getting out of jail. 10 months without sex, you should hide, ladies.

But for the love of God, not in the bathroom.

How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters?

Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.

Tesla, Oscar Wilde, and Sherlock Holmes walk into a bar.

The punchline of this joke was patented and then hidden by Thomas Edison.

Oscar Pistorius gets six years jail.

Jail, then home detention, and back to jail. Wow, for someone with no legs he's covering a lot of ground.

On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted...

...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).

I bet the bear from The Revenant would have been nominated for an Oscar...

If he was a Polar bear

Do you know what made Oscar Pistorius so angry at his girlfriend?

She was looking at another man's legs.

I met the most interesting eel the other day. His name was Oscar Neale and he lived in a tiny wooden house.

They called him "Shack Eel O. Neale"

Are we sure that Oscar Pistorius was the only one involved in the murder of his girlfriend?

Someone else may well have done the leg work.

What's the difference between Oscar the grouch and a grouch at the Oscars?

Ones green and the other is black

Oscar Pistorious

That sounds like a spell Harry Potter uses to make your legs fall off


• Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't try to surprise

Oscar Pistorius

• She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

• Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

• When Oscar Pistorius sai...

I heard Oscar Pistorius might walk at the end of the trial

It's a miracle.

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If you thought black people were mad about the Oscars...

wait until the nominations come out for the World's Greatest Dad Award.

Oscar came from a rough home... (from the r/baseball jokes thread)

His dad was cruel, and an alcoholic. Oscar had to wear long sleeves in the summer to hide the bruises. And his mother wasn't better off.

One fateful day, Oscar's mom made the soup too spicy, and dad started beating her with a cast iron skillet. Hearing his mother's screams and figuring this w...

Who's the longest serving Mayor of bacon city?

Oscar Mayer

My 9 year old son just told me this joke & hopefully its an original

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Its terrible how so few black people get nominated for an Oscar

It's so sad they're not as talented as white people.

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If I had a nickle for every time I heard the word Diversity at the Oscars..

I still wouldn't give a shit.

What's the difference between the Oscars and the BET Awards?

Oscar winners can thank BOTH of their parents.

What's the difference between England and Oscar Pistorius?

England gets off scott-free.

I heard they made a Minesweeper movie

It bombed at the box office, but somehow ended up sweeping the oscars.

The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile got in a huge accident earlier.

I never sausage a thing in my life. In frank, it was the wurst.

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