UPJOKE
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What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic have in common?

The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

Why is it that there are no subtitles for the last 15 minutes of "Titanic"?

A good caption always goes down with the ship.

Why did Titanic leave its date?

He couldn't brake the ice

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About halfway.

What’s the difference between the Titanic and your mom?

They know how many men went down on the titanic.

TIL that my Grandfather actually warned people that the Titanic was going to sink…

Despite his constant attempts, unfortunately nobody listened, and he ended up getting kicked out of the movie theatre

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre

What do you call a dinosaur that is large, immense, huge, collosal, gigantic, vast, enormous, titanic, massive and big?

A thesaurus.

Leonardo DiCaprio has pledged to never watch the Titanic movie again ever..

Why you ask? Beacause it's turning 25 this year..

What do The Titanic and The 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

What did the titanic say as it was sinking...

I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge.

Cinco de Mayo and the Titanic

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York ..
...

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year.

In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.

What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg lettuce.

My Grandfather knew that the Titanic was going to sink.

He kept telling everyone but they just ignored him. In the end, they threw him out of the cinema.

Titanic jokes aren't funny anymore. They're so old and outdated.

That ship has sailed a long time ago.

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

Did you hear about Haley Joel Osment being cast in the Titanic remake?

The most iconic line will be Icy Dead People.

I'm new here and I just have to tell you all: "Titanic!"

--oh, wait that's not a good ice breaker

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A Chinese doctor has a Jewish patient.

"Listen," says the patient, "I didn't think we were going to get along so good together."

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean! Pearl Harbor, that's what I mean!"

"What are you talking about, Pearl Harbor? I'm Chinese!"

"Yeah, well...Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same th...

My Grandpa saw the Titanic

From the very beginning, he warned everyone that the ship would sink. But nobody listen to him.

He was a brave man, he never gave up. He warn them again and again on many occasions... Until they kick him out from the cinema.

I renamed my iPod The Titanic

When I plug it in, it says "The Titanic is syncing".

I watched a documentary on how they built the hull of the Titanic last night....

It was riveting.

What do you call a giant who drowned in the sea

A titanic

Note: not sure if titan and giant are the same

Titanic.

Sorry, that was a terrible icebreaker.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

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"I sexually identify as The RMS Titanic"

"I must lay my Seamen to rest in a dark wet place."

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I had to tell my doctor something very embarrassing.

I took a deep breath and said, "Do you promise not to judge?"

He said, "Of course I won't judge."

"Ok," I hesitated, "So...I had to stop watching Titanic the other night after my butt plug got sucked up into my arse."

He winced and said, "How far in?"

I said, "The bit w...

Ok what’s the difference between the Titantic and California?

At least the lights were on when the Titanic sank.

Thank you, tip your bartenders ladies and gents…..

An amarican and a canadian wants to watch a movie together

American: Lets watch Titanic

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank!

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A Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk are sitting together on a park bench...

After finishing his drink the Jew takes his bottle and *smashes* it over the head of the Chinese drunk.

"What the hell was that for?" ask the Chinese man, rubbing his head.

"That was for Pearl Harbor!" replies the Jewish drunk.

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!...

What type of burger isn't allowed on the titanic?

An iceburger

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

If your body was the size of the Atlantic ocean, your red blood cells would be the size of the Titanic

Let that sink in

A magician performs magic tricks on the Titanic before it sinks.

In the crowd there is a parrot that somehow always knows whats going on.
He pulls a string of hankerchiefs out of his sleeve: "AWCK, he pulls it from his inner pocket!"
He pulls a rabbit out of a hat: "AWCK, A false bottom!"
He saws a girl in half: "AWCK, there are two girls!"
<...

My Canadian friend asks me to recommend a move.

Me: "Have you seen Titanic?"

Him: "What's it about?"

Me: "Yeah, a really big one. And it sinks."

The ice floe felt really bad about sinking the Titanic...

...it was A Nice Berg.

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

Did you hear about the Cop who arrested an innocent Iceberg because he thought it looked like the one that sunk the Titanic?

He was fired for Glacial Profiling.

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. "Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic.

And as far as I know, he still is !!

I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.

It's syncing now.

What passengers were happy that the Titanic sank?

The lobsters in the kitchen.

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A+ Book Reports on Titanic and Bill Clinton

The students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton, and to write book reports. One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
...

Onboard the Titanic...

While cruising aboard the Titanic, an engineer boasts to his dinner companions, "This ship is so seaworthy that even God can't sink her!"

Overhearing what the engineer said, God started laughing so hard that he spilled his glass of water and ice cubes went flying everywhere.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

Even though the Titanic was not a marvel of engineering

the pools are. Been up and running without maintenance since the day they were opened.

The titanic went down in 60 seconds

Let that sink in for a minute

My friend with a lisp has a strong opinion on the Titanic II

As he put it, they're doing the unsinkable!

The true reason that the Titanic sank...

The combined weight of all the time travelers that suddenly appeared onboard.

Everyone has a film that made them emotional.

For me it was TITANIC... Because not only do you get a beautiful love story, but also... I'm was like... \*emotional\*

"Look - So many fans of the Wim Hof Method!"

Why is Texas like the Titanic

They both thought they were amazing until a tiny bit of frozen water broken them in half

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

If you want to stay well connected, just take all your devices aboard the Titanic.

They'll sync really well...

I'm not sure how much you know about the story of the Titanic...

...but what caused it to sink is just the tip of the iceberg.

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

Imagine the Titanic with a Lisp

It's unthinkable

I remembered watching Titanic and bawled my eyes out.

It's because the painting scene with Rose was too short.

Historians have proved that people with every zodiac sign survived the sinking of the Titanic...

Except Leo

What does an iPhone 7 and The Titanic have in common?

The end has no Jack.

I'm getting revenge for the Titanic

One ice-cube in my drink at a time.

I'm trying to stream Titanic

But it keeps syncing

What did the iceberg say to the Titanic after if finally got outta the way?

Sank you

Life is all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

the world’s best cloud storage service was released today, called Titanic.

It’s always synching

A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

If Hillary Clinton were captain of the Titanic

Captain Hillary Clinton, RMS:

There's an iceberg, dead ahead. We need to alter course.

No, it's not my imagination. Right there, see? An iceberg.

This ship will strike that iceberg and sink if we don't change course.

No, I'm not being overly dramatic. It's an iceberg. It ...

What did the optimist say to the pessimist on the Titanic?

"I told you it was half full."

[Titanic, 1912]

**Captain:** what kind of lettuce do you want on your sandwich?

**First mate:** ICEBERG!

**Captain:** lol... no need to shout, Dave.

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I named my iPhone “Titanic”

Going to wait till it syncs, then Jack off.

Did you know Avatar is a sequel to Titanic?

It picks up where Titanic left off, in the sense that half the cast is blue and dying.

Obligatory edit: Frontpage on /r/jokes! Wohooo!

I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist here, but are we truly to believe that the Titanic sunk after being hit by an iceberg?! Do they think we're stupid fools!?

I've been throwing lettuce at the window for hours now and it hasn't even scratched, let alone put a hole in it.

TIL the pool on the titanic is still filled with water to this day.

Oh wait...

Titanic sank 103 years ago...

...making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on! Hi-YO!

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic

Sanka

The Titanic

The Titanic was God's way of talking to us.

Pity, it was such a bad ice-breaker.

I like to talk about the Titanic whenever i meet someone new

To break the ice

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My dick is like the Titanic.

Not because it's big or hard, but because it's a bit sad at the end.

The Titanic disaster happened 106 years ago today...

Just let that sink in

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