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A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune.

At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

“That would be Jeff over there by the caviar" he says.

The young woman walks over to Jeff and says "Excuse me, Jeff, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd lik...

Flasher on Hollywood Blvd (Jewish area)?

A flasher has been doing his thing on Hollywood Blvd exposing himself to several women.


After a while, he comes across an elderly Jewish lady.
He looks around for any police, none in sight, so he goes up to her & opens his coat,


The Jewish lady looks him up & ...

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

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What does the Catholic Church and Hollywood have in common?

They both have a sense of moral superiority while their elites are sex offenders.

You hear about the pig farmer who tried to make it big in Hollywood?

Had to move back home because he had too many poor scenes

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

Hollywood loves a remake.

Which is why God produced "California Wildfires" for the 6000th time this year.

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Imagine Hollywood is making a feature film about creating the perfect meal

In the first act of the movie, they go through many trials and tribulations to decide on what bread they should use. Eventually they decide on tortilla

The second act, they’re now plotting on what should go IN the bread. Meat, veggies, maybe neither.

Finally, the third act. now they j...

Scientists were baffled when hundreds of stars were suddenly extinguished.

Nobody saw the meteor that slammed into Hollywood.

Just watched Once Upon A Time In Hollywood in theaters and without knowing anything about it other than the title.

I still don't.

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

Why did Hollywood stop buying scripts from the frog writer?

Because his stories were ribbititive.

People don’t realize that vandalizing Trumps Hollywood Star is a bad thing

It guarantees him the newest and shiniest star on the walk. Art of the the Deal

I really didn't enjoy my Hollywood Internship...

They made me follow Leonardo DiCaprio around for 6 hours carrying his water bottle which was exhausting.

They made me floss between Tom Cruise's toes which was humiliating.

But when they made me spank Dwayne Johnson...

That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

(edit: no lon...

Two weevils grew up in South Carolina

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

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Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

Hollywood is really taking climate change seriously

Vin Diesel even changed his name to Vin Solar

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

Hollywood is going to make a new movie about Moses parting the Red Sea starring Christian Bale.

He says it's only going to take him a year to fatten up to the size of the sea.

Why did nemesis go to Hollywood?

For the stars

Two goats were behind a Hollywood movie studio eating an old movie film.

One goat said to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat said, "Yeah, but not as good as the book".

Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

Did you hear about the Hollywood cosplay of famous composers?

Arnold was Bach

The army and the navy were looking for new recruits, when two boll weevil brothers showed up.

The older brother had worked in Hollywood as the go-to guy whenever an insect was needed in a movie, while the other brother had never amounted to much.

The army recruited the older brother, while the navy recruited the younger brother. That day, the navy won a battle, while the army lost a b...

The Coronavirus hysteria is so high,

not even Hollywood execs are touching people.

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Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

The Wish

Three men are stranded on a desert island, when a bottle washes up on the shore. When they uncork the bottle, a genie appears and offers three wishes. The first wishes to be taken to Paris. The genie snaps his fingers, and the man suddenly finds himself standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. The sec...

When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.

I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.

In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of...

Coke

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Peter Dinklage walks into a doctor’s office. He says, “I’m a Hollywood star. Can I go to the front of the line?”

Doctor: I am sorry Sir, but you have to be a little patient.

Hollywood Halloween

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone were discussing their next Halloween costumes. They wanted to get away from the typical scary characters and do something different.

Bruce: 'how about historical figures? I'll go as Freud.'

Sly: 'ok, sounds good. I'll go as Leonardo Da Vinci.'
...

Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

I thought the biggest fire this week was going to be in Australia.

But then I turned on the TV and watched Ricky Gervais burn all of Hollywood.

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How do you catch a Hollywood executive?

A boobie trap.

What is the difference between Hollywood and the Vatican?

Nothing. Literally nothing.

It's the day before Halloween in Hollywood

A group of actors old and new are hanging out talking about their plans and what they're going to be dressed up as. Among them are Nic Cage, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Leonardo Dicaprio. The trio are huddled together as all three still haven't decided on a costume!
"We should plan something as a...

What is the key to attract most of Hollywood?

B minor

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Did you hear about the new wine bar in Hollywood?

You get a free drink served in a traditional German mug if you let the bartender grab your ass. It's called "Wine Steins."

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What do Texas and an aspiring Hollywood actress have in common?

They both get fucked by Harvey.

It sucks that Louis CK got in trouble among these Hollywood personalities being accused.

If anything, he just exasterbated the situation.

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I don't know why everyone's so surprised when people in Hollywood are found out to sex offenders

It's pretty obvious who it is, it's always the usual suspects

A touching Hollywood movie

The Harvey Weinstein Story

A bunch of Hollywood celebrities formed two baseball teams...

...to raise money for a charity.

The day of the match arrived and everyone was ready. The celebrities were dressed in their outfits, some practising their throws and catches, others practising their swing. Russell Crowe was selected to umpire.

The match started, and the two teams, "The...

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Going to Hell for this one

Hitler and Mussolini came back from the dead and were sitting in a bar in TX, because why not? This drunk redneck hears them making plans of picking up where they left off.

He hears Hitler say, "So the plan is to round up all the Jews in Hollywood, DC, and Israel; get them all together along...

My friend from Hollywood always told me, "Shoot for the stars."

He was an assassin.

Did you hear about the Hollywood actress that got murdered...?

Person 1: Her name was Reese, errr, Reese, Reese whatshername...

Person 2: Witherspoon?

Person 1: No, with a knife.

Did any one hear that a famous actress was recently stabbed while eating dinner at a restaurant in Hollywood? Her name was Reese. .....?

If you were thinking Witherspoon you're wrong it was Withherknife.

I want to start a charity where terminally ill people can request to sleep with hollywood celebrities...

I'll call it "Make A Wishbone"

HOLLYWOOD

They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a slave but id only been married for 10

Which director is Hollywood's darling?

Michael Bae

Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend

So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . .

They gave me their baby.

An anti-joke I wrote

3 nuns, a rabbi, a soldier, 4 orphans, 2 blind men, 6 white guys, a Jew, 4 Koreans, a Canadian, 2 Italians, 6 prison guards, 5 blondes, 3 polish women, 4 atheists, a doctor, 7 grad students, 2 firemen, 3 birthday clowns, a police officer, 9 soccer moms, 2 soccer dads, a biologist, a chemist, 3 physi...

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What’s the difference between a rapist and a Republican?

Hollywood won’t work with a Republican.

Hollywood should remake "Freaky Friday" between a priest and a scientist.

The Title should be "Converting the Masses"

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

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Harvey Weinstein is so fat...

He's the only person in Hollywood that hasn't seen his dick.

He got #meethree'd

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