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Hollywood Jokes

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

What's the difference between a Hollywood writer and a pain doctor?

If their corporate owners tell them to write more scripts, the Hollywood writer might say no.

Everyone knows Al Pacino, the famous Hollywood icon.

No one talks about his brother Cap, who invented delicious Italian coffee.

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

A Hollywood janitor decided to try his hand at directing

He's billing himself as "the director who swept the Oscars"

What does Microsoft and Hollywood have in common?

For each release they make it gets worse.

Two goats were behind a Hollywood movie studio eating an old movie film.

One goat said to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat said, "Yeah, but not as good as the book".

I really didn't enjoy my Hollywood Internship...

They made me follow Leonardo DiCaprio around for 6 hours carrying his water bottle which was exhausting.

They made me floss between Tom Cruise's toes which was humiliating.

But when they made me spank Dwayne Johnson...

That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

(edit: no lon...

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

My old fart dad’s Hollywood murder joke

“Did you hear about that actress that stabbed her husband?”
“No! Who was it?”
“I can’t remember the name. White woman. Blond Hair. Reese something…”
“Witherspoon!?!?”
“No. With a knife.”

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Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

What’s the difference between Bollywood and Hollywood?

One has a cast of characters, the other characters of caste.

Actors strike update: Kevin Bacon joins the picket line in sweltering Hollywood

He's going to sizzle out there

Hollywood is fake!

Its all paid actors

There have been numerous accusations that the moon landing was fake.

When Neil Armstrong was interviewed about it, it’s claimed he said the following;
The government found the trip to the moon was going to be both expensive and difficult. There was significant doubt that it could even be done. So, the CIA decided that because the US needed the propaganda advanta...

Hollywood Movies are Fake

Not once did a cop take me downtown.

How do you cause a panic at a Hollywood party?

You say "Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen?"

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My favorite Hollywood movie of the recent past is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”.

Never gets old.

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Some porn actors are like major Hollywood stars.

They receive backend revenue for their films.

Hollywood loves a remake.

Which is why God produced "California Wildfires" for the 6000th time this year.

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What does the Catholic Church and Hollywood have in common?

They both have a sense of moral superiority while their elites are sex offenders.

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

Why did Frankie go to Hollywood?

So that he could relax.

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What do astronomers and queer-friendly Hollywood studios have in common?

They like to star gays.

What is a hungry Gujarati's favourite Hollywood film?

Snakes on a plane

Hollywood Halloween

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone were discussing their next Halloween costumes. They wanted to get away from the typical scary characters and do something different.

Bruce: 'how about historical figures? I'll go as Freud.'

Sly: 'ok, sounds good. I'll go as Leonardo Da Vinci.'
...

“Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who was stabbed?”

“What was her name again?? Reece something...”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!”

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

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The moon landing could not have been filmed in Hollywood.

If it had, there’d be at least one sex scene.

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

Flasher on Hollywood Blvd (Jewish area)?

A flasher has been doing his thing on Hollywood Blvd exposing himself to several women.


After a while, he comes across an elderly Jewish lady.
He looks around for any police, none in sight, so he goes up to her & opens his coat,


The Jewish lady looks him up & ...

What did Hollywood say when they made another Batman movie?

Done another-nother-nother-done-another-nother-nother...Batman!

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

Hollywood is really taking climate change seriously

Vin Diesel even changed his name to Vin Solar

A touching Hollywood movie

The Harvey Weinstein Story

HOLLYWOOD

They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a slave but id only been married for 10

When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.

I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.

Imagine Hollywood is making a feature film about creating the perfect meal

In the first act of the movie, they go through many trials and tribulations to decide on what bread they should use. Eventually they decide on tortilla

The second act, they’re now plotting on what should go IN the bread. Meat, veggies, maybe neither.

Finally, the third act. now they j...

Hollywood marriages

TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?

Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!



(I'll see myself out, no need to push...)

Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.

I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.

Who are the two most impunctual actors in Hollywood?

Jenny S’late and Christian S’later

There is a Hollywood actor who only sleeps in a sterling silver cell.

It’s Nickeless Cage.

Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

First the writers went on strike, now the actors …

who’s going to clear all the tables in Hollywood restaurants?

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

It's the day before Halloween in Hollywood

A group of actors old and new are hanging out talking about their plans and what they're going to be dressed up as. Among them are Nic Cage, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Leonardo Dicaprio. The trio are huddled together as all three still haven't decided on a costume!
"We should plan something as a...

The life of a bone marrow baby is like a Hollywood movie.

Over in 2 hours

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A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune.

At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

“That would be Jeff over there by the caviar" he says.

The young woman walks over to Jeff and says "Excuse me, Jeff, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd lik...

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

What’s the difference between Hollywood and Washington DC?

Molesting kids in Washington doesn’t cost you your career.

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

What is the difference between Hollywood and the Vatican?

Nothing. Literally nothing.

What is the key to attract most of Hollywood?

B minor

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Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

If Paul Hollywood was a lion, what would he say when he bites into his prey?

It’s completely RAWR! (Credit: My wife)

Hollywood is making The Feeding of the 5000 based on Jesus' miracle.

In France it's going to be called The Poisson of the Christ.

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

Which director is Hollywood's darling?

Michael Bae

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Did you hear about the new wine bar in Hollywood?

You get a free drink served in a traditional German mug if you let the bartender grab your ass. It's called "Wine Steins."

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

Two boll weevils grew up on a farm in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and, amazingly, became a famous actor...

The other stayed behind and never amounted to much.

I guess you could say he was the lesser of two weevils.

People don’t realize that vandalizing Trumps Hollywood Star is a bad thing

It guarantees him the newest and shiniest star on the walk. Art of the the Deal

A bunch of Hollywood celebrities formed two baseball teams...

...to raise money for a charity.

The day of the match arrived and everyone was ready. The celebrities were dressed in their outfits, some practising their throws and catches, others practising their swing. Russell Crowe was selected to umpire.

The match started, and the two teams, "The...

In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of...

Coke

Just watched Once Upon A Time In Hollywood in theaters and without knowing anything about it other than the title.

I still don't.

We looked at a WeHo townhouse that we liked very much but sadly this place was next door to the large West Hollywood fire department station.

So I guess you could say it was in WEhoWEhoWehooooo.

My friend from Hollywood always told me, "Shoot for the stars."

He was an assassin.

I got an email from a Hollywood celebrity with the subject line: “I piy the fool!”

I replied, “Hey you missed a t?”

Have you heard who's playing the lead role in Hollywood's latest fairytale movie?

China's GDP numbers.

Hollywood should remake "Freaky Friday" between a priest and a scientist.

The Title should be "Converting the Masses"

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

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I don't know why everyone's so surprised when people in Hollywood are found out to sex offenders

It's pretty obvious who it is, it's always the usual suspects

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend

So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . .

They gave me their baby.

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

Everywhere else in the world, a 30 year old women disappearing is called a missing person's case

In Hollywood it's called dying by old age

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Peter Dinklage walks into a doctor’s office. He says, “I’m a Hollywood star. Can I go to the front of the line?”

Doctor: I am sorry Sir, but you have to be a little patient.

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

I want to start a charity where terminally ill people can request to sleep with hollywood celebrities...

I'll call it "Make A Wishbone"

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