Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

Why did a boulder call the complaints office at Hollywood?

Because Dwayne Johnson took its place.

What is a hungry Gujarati's favourite Hollywood film?

Snakes on a plane

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

What did Hollywood say when they made another Batman movie?

Done another-nother-nother-done-another-nother-nother...Batman!

Hollywood marriages

TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?

Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!



(I'll see myself out, no need to push...)

“Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who was stabbed?”

“What was her name again?? Reece something...”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!”

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

If Paul Hollywood was a lion, what would he say when he bites into his prey?

It’s completely RAWR! (Credit: My wife)

The Man Who Knows Everyone

Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know," he said, "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it...

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune.

At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

“That would be Jeff over there by the caviar" he says.

The young woman walks over to Jeff and says "Excuse me, Jeff, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd lik...

I really didn't enjoy my Hollywood Internship...

They made me follow Leonardo DiCaprio around for 6 hours carrying his water bottle which was exhausting.

They made me floss between Tom Cruise's toes which was humiliating.

But when they made me spank Dwayne Johnson...

That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

(edit: no lon...

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The moon landing could not have been filmed in Hollywood.

If it had, there’d be at least one sex scene.

What does Microsoft and Hollywood have in common?

For each release they make it gets worse.

In Hollywood they have a museum full celebrities made from wax. In China they have something similar but the celebrities are made out of silk

They are all complete fabric Asians.

The life of a bone marrow baby is like a Hollywood movie.

Over in 2 hours

Guys,don't be fooled by Hollywood

That place are filled up with paid actors

Flasher on Hollywood Blvd (Jewish area)?

A flasher has been doing his thing on Hollywood Blvd exposing himself to several women.


After a while, he comes across an elderly Jewish lady.
He looks around for any police, none in sight, so he goes up to her & opens his coat,


The Jewish lady looks him up & ...

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What does the Catholic Church and Hollywood have in common?

They both have a sense of moral superiority while their elites are sex offenders.

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

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Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

Imagine Hollywood is making a feature film about creating the perfect meal

In the first act of the movie, they go through many trials and tribulations to decide on what bread they should use. Eventually they decide on tortilla

The second act, they’re now plotting on what should go IN the bread. Meat, veggies, maybe neither.

Finally, the third act. now they j...

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

Hollywood is creating a movie about all the great classical musicians, their lives, and their work.

To make the best movie possible, the director contacted several famous actors.

The director asked Matt Damon, and he said he'd be Beethoven.

A message to Hugh Jackman had him agreeing to be Chopin.

Johnny Depp said he'd be glad to play Mozart.

Even Tom Cruise said he wo...

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

You hear about the pig farmer who tried to make it big in Hollywood?

Had to move back home because he had too many poor scenes

Just watched Once Upon A Time In Hollywood in theaters and without knowing anything about it other than the title.

I still don't.

Hollywood loves a remake.

Which is why God produced "California Wildfires" for the 6000th time this year.

I was walking down a street in Hollywood and ran into a celebrity with a Mohawk and jewelry. He looked at me and said, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a T!”

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

Arnold Shwartznager just left his Hollywood career to kill bugs that infiltrate people's houses.

He is now an Ex-Terminator.

Two boll weevils grew up on a farm in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and, amazingly, became a famous actor...

The other stayed behind and never amounted to much.

I guess you could say he was the lesser of two weevils.

Two goats were behind a Hollywood movie studio eating an old movie film.

One goat said to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat said, "Yeah, but not as good as the book".

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

Hollywood is really taking climate change seriously

Vin Diesel even changed his name to Vin Solar

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Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

People don’t realize that vandalizing Trumps Hollywood Star is a bad thing

It guarantees him the newest and shiniest star on the walk. Art of the the Deal

Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

Why did nemesis go to Hollywood?

For the stars

The release of the Bond movie has been postponed once again because of COVID.

Hollywood wants to die another day.

What’s the difference between Hollywood and Washington DC?

Molesting kids in Washington doesn’t cost you your career.

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Peter Dinklage walks into a doctor’s office. He says, “I’m a Hollywood star. Can I go to the front of the line?”

Doctor: I am sorry Sir, but you have to be a little patient.

When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.

I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.

In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of...

Coke

Hollywood Halloween

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone were discussing their next Halloween costumes. They wanted to get away from the typical scary characters and do something different.

Bruce: 'how about historical figures? I'll go as Freud.'

Sly: 'ok, sounds good. I'll go as Leonardo Da Vinci.'
...

Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

It's the day before Halloween in Hollywood

A group of actors old and new are hanging out talking about their plans and what they're going to be dressed up as. Among them are Nic Cage, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Leonardo Dicaprio. The trio are huddled together as all three still haven't decided on a costume!
"We should plan something as a...

What is the difference between Hollywood and the Vatican?

Nothing. Literally nothing.

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How do you catch a Hollywood executive?

A boobie trap.

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Did you hear about the new wine bar in Hollywood?

You get a free drink served in a traditional German mug if you let the bartender grab your ass. It's called "Wine Steins."

What is the key to attract most of Hollywood?

B minor

A bunch of Hollywood celebrities formed two baseball teams...

...to raise money for a charity.

The day of the match arrived and everyone was ready. The celebrities were dressed in their outfits, some practising their throws and catches, others practising their swing. Russell Crowe was selected to umpire.

The match started, and the two teams, "The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why everyone's so surprised when people in Hollywood are found out to sex offenders

It's pretty obvious who it is, it's always the usual suspects

A touching Hollywood movie

The Harvey Weinstein Story

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Why do male victims in Hollywood forget their sexual assault incidents?

They were feeling Spacey.

Did you hear about the Hollywood actress that got murdered...?

Person 1: Her name was Reese, errr, Reese, Reese whatshername...

Person 2: Witherspoon?

Person 1: No, with a knife.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

My friend from Hollywood always told me, "Shoot for the stars."

He was an assassin.

HOLLYWOOD

They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a slave but id only been married for 10

Did any one hear that a famous actress was recently stabbed while eating dinner at a restaurant in Hollywood? Her name was Reese. .....?

If you were thinking Witherspoon you're wrong it was Withherknife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to Hell for this one

Hitler and Mussolini came back from the dead and were sitting in a bar in TX, because why not? This drunk redneck hears them making plans of picking up where they left off.

He hears Hitler say, "So the plan is to round up all the Jews in Hollywood, DC, and Israel; get them all together along...

Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend

So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . .

They gave me their baby.

Which director is Hollywood's darling?

Michael Bae

Hollywood should remake "Freaky Friday" between a priest and a scientist.

The Title should be "Converting the Masses"

The Wish

Three men are stranded on a desert island, when a bottle washes up on the shore. When they uncork the bottle, a genie appears and offers three wishes. The first wishes to be taken to Paris. The genie snaps his fingers, and the man suddenly finds himself standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. The sec...

The army and the navy were looking for new recruits, when two boll weevil brothers showed up.

The older brother had worked in Hollywood as the go-to guy whenever an insect was needed in a movie, while the other brother had never amounted to much.

The army recruited the older brother, while the navy recruited the younger brother. That day, the navy won a battle, while the army lost a b...

The Coronavirus hysteria is so high,

not even Hollywood execs are touching people.

I thought the biggest fire this week was going to be in Australia.

But then I turned on the TV and watched Ricky Gervais burn all of Hollywood.

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