The 133+ Best Movie Jokes

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year.

In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.

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Real movie titles converted to funny porn ones

I.e., Romancing the Bone”

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie

Total recall

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

I wanted to see that new movie titled "Constipated"

It hasn't come out yet.

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

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A Roman centurion goes to the movie theater. When the movie's over, he asks for a refund.

"No one told me that my movie was going to be a pornographic one," the centurion tells the ticket-taker.

The ticket-taker says, "Sir, look at the marquee. It says right here what kind of movies we play here."

Looking back up at the marquee, the centurion responds "You lie! There are ...

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

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Did you hear about that rare porn movie that has been hailed as an inspirational timeless classic?

They said it would inspire people for generations to come.

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

Did you hear the sad story about the blond couple that died at the drive-in movie?

They'd gone to see "Closed for Winter".

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I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

I just watched a movie about a y=x graph

The plot was a bit predictable

And a little flat

Good special f(x) though

Shame about the Tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie.

He should've watched the trailer.

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies.".

So, I spanked her and came in her hair.

I think we watch different movies.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

Why was the Jazz movie rated R

Too much sax and violins

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i finally got my first role in a porn movie!!!

I'm the husband leaving for work.

I don't understand why people spoil movies...

What's their endgame?

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

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NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

Now that the movie Titanic is 25 years old

Leo has completely lost interest in it.

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Good thing Stephen King does not make porn movies

We will never see IT coming

A lot of people don’t understand the humor in the movie The Human Centipede…

I thought it was pretty obvious that most of the movie was tounge in cheek

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

I hear Alec Baldwin is shooting another movie this year.

I hope he misses.

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes...

My favorite movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

I just found out that the movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

Me: A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie

Friend: Gladiator?

Me: No I really miss her.

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.

American: Have you seen the Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**

Your Turn :)

I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.

It's syncing now.

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I've always wanted to sleep with the stretchy mom from that superhero family movie

It would be fucking Incredible

In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ...

the entire story is the sub-plot.

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Did anybody see the movie about the emo kid who was a compulsive masturbator?

It was a real tear jerker.

You've heard of/seen the movie The Last of the Mohicans...

But have you heard they are making a prequal trilogy?

They're doing it a little like Memento where each movie will be further back in time. So, for example the first prequal movie takes place right before the original, then the next before that, then the last one will start the whole thi...

Sylvester Stallone wants to make a movie about classical music..

He wants to play Beethoven.

Jean Claud Van Damme says “I’ll be Mozart”

Arnold Schwarzenegger “c’mon guys. Don’t make me say it”.

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

The Earth people in the background of a science fiction movie

are Terrestrial Extras

I’m making a movie about dropping the F-bomb.

Gonna call it Effenheimer.

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Cannot believe the new Chocolate Factory prequel movie is unimaginatively titled “Wonka”…

I mean we had “Young Sheldon”, so why can’t we have “Small Willy”?

It would be a much better fit.

I was thinking of making a Groundhog Day style movie with Keanu Reeves as a teenager

Working title is john constant teen

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I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"

"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

Just watched a pirated movie

On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14

I heard the new Tom Cruise movie has a run time of 2 hours and 43 minutes.

So then I asked “how long is the rest of the movie?”

What do you call a rapper that makes superhero movies?

MC U

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After Brendan Fraser won an Oscar for The Whale, my wife suggested we make a movie about my penis.

The Minnow.

All medieval shows and movies make it seem like every village had a “Village Drunk”

Which is absurd, mine has at least 50.

The Tetris movie is finally coming out in 2023 after numerous delays.

Every time they finished a line in the script, it disappeared.

Leonardo DiCaprio has pledged to never watch the Titanic movie again ever..

Why you ask? Beacause it's turning 25 this year..

Did you hear about the new frog movie?

I hear it's ribbiting.

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been

Mediogre

Netflix has devised the perfect way to stop the distribution of pirated movies

They now block all movies with an IMDB rating of 3.14 ;)

Pi-rated .. sorry ;)

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

Did you see the movie about a database query?

I heard the SQL is better.

The one thing I hate about superhero movies is how unrealistic they are,

Like what are the chances that a billionaire would do anything to help ordinary people?

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet ...

I was watching a horror movie and was screaming at the main character to not go through the door

My wife asks me from the kitchen what movie am I watching.

She wasn't thrilled when I told her it's our wedding tape.

So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie..

Fast10: Your Seatbelts.

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

Did you see the new movie they made about an air conditioner?

Wasn’t a fan

I prefer to watch movies in the cinema

Without movies it's just a boring room full of people I don't know.

Did you hear about the book/movie about two terminally ill teenaged Indian classical musicians?

It's called 'The Fault In Our Sitars'.

(Came up with this a few months ago. You read it here first.)

Hugh Jackman films a movie in the Swiss Alps and loses his Dell laptop.

Just when he thinks it's lost forever, he is grateful to see it found, in the hands of a yodeler who tells him:

"Your Dell lay here, Hugh!"

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

I was totally shocked that my Border Collie loved the Harry Potter movies

I mean, he completely hated the books

If The Lion King was a cow movie instead, what would their leader be called?

Moofasa

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A man was in love with his duck, and he took it to a movie with him one night.

The cashier said, ‘You can’t bring that duck in here’, so the man went around the corner and stuffed the duck down the front of his trousers, bought a ticket and went inside.
The duck started getting restless; so the man opened up his fly and let the duck’s head out. Well, next to the man was ...

What is an atheist's favorite movie?

Coincidence on 34th Street

Have you guys scene the new john Wilkes booth movie?

I’ve heard it’s mind blowing.

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

When I went to the toilet, I left the door open so I could keep watching the movie.

The other passengers on the plane were slightly irritated.

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I watched my first porn movie today...

...jeeze I was young back then.

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

I bought my 2 year old son some toys from the movie Toy Story.

It seemed like a good idea at the time because he loved those movies. Turns out, he didn't like the toys. Wailing, he threw a figurine at the wall, shattering it.

It was a total buzzkill.

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

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I'm so tired of all these "historically" based movies and books that change the characters' skin color to pander to the masses

Like, what's up with this Jesus being white bullshit.

Have you seen "Schrodinger's Cat the Movie"?

It doesn't have any showing times. You buy a ticket but won't know if it is playing or not until you walk into the theater.

Watching a Movie

I started watching this movie with my wife. The whole movie was a campground, filled with tents and two people sleeping in each. After a while, she told me to turn it off. When I asked if it's because it's boring, she said "No, it's just two in tents."

I need help finding a Tim Burton movie

I Googled "Tim Burton movie where Johnny Depp plays a quirky, androgynous loner," and Google told me to be more specific.

A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.

"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"

"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.

"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."

If you watch a Jackie Chan movie backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

Pancakes asks Sausage to go to the movies

Sausage asks: Hey, should we invite Bacon?

Pancakes says: Of course! I love Bacon.

Sausage asks: What about Eggs?

Pancakes shakes his head and says: Nah man, Eggs Benedict lately.

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Zombie movie set. The director is pissed....

The director screams "stop that!". "Okay, let's try again".

Zombies drudge down the hall halfhazardly, and as it seems to be going well the director screams "CUT!", then walks out and grabs one zombie in particular.

The zombie actor is bewildered and shocked. The director says "why do...

What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...

What did the movie director say when he finished his burrito?

“That’s a wrap!”

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My favorite Hollywood movie of the recent past is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”.

Never gets old.

Movie

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, “The last time I came to the mov...

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

A walkie-talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie.

Classic example of radio-carbon dating.

Did you see the review for the scary movie about pogo sticks?

It has its ups and downs, but too many jump scares for me.

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

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