Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month

but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus

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I just finished watching a porn movie with a really emotional story at its core.

It was such a tear jerker.

My friend asked me if the next Star Wars movies were going to be in 3D

"Yes" I replied "...but they R2D2."

What is the dairy farmer’s favorite Disney movie?

Moo-ana

My favorite Will Smith movie is the one where he is part of a map

I Am Legend

I saw a movie once.

In the movie, a guy put a thumbtack on a girls chair, and she sat on it.

Not much of a plot I'll admit, but I like movies where the guy gets the girl in the end.

Mr. Johnson walked into a movie theater and sat down next to a dog who was at the theater with his owner.

Much to Mr. Johnson's astonishment, the dog laughed at the funny parts, cried at the sad parts, booed at the villain's wicked deeds, and cheered at the hero's heroics.

When they left the theater, Mr. Johnson told the dog owner, "Your dog's reactions to that movie were amazing!"

"I thou...

What would you call a horror movie set in a post-gasoline world?

The Silence of The Lambos

Had the most bizarre experience before the quarantine, when I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and I was astounded.

When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner o...

Every Satutday night my wife and I watch 3 movies back to back.

This week is my turn to face the screen.

Which specific body part makes a ton of movie blockbusters?

This knee.

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

Why can you never watch a movie with your cat?

Cos they're always stepping on pause.

It was going to be a long road trip. I popped on my headphones, pulled up a movie on my phone, and got lost in the action as the car headed down the highway.

The passengers probably wished that I'd waited until I wasn't driving to do that.

Which movie villain works at the abortion clinic?

The Terminator.

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

What’s a movie whose title got deeper the longer you watched?

The Titanic.

I watched a movie called "The Adjustment," about a Chiropractor who quits, goes back to school and becomes an famous Orthopedic Spine Surgeon. I didn't really like it.

Too much backstory.

Anytime I ask a girl with a boyfriend to watch my favorite movie with her, she always ends up being a Liam Neeson fan

“No, Taken”

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What's the most popular movie at a nudist colony?

Free Willy


I'm happy with thinking of this myself.

I’m still shocked about the streaker at the movie theater

It was a private showing

What do you call a place to buy bootleg horror movies?

A Spookeasy

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

My favorite movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

Are we even watching the same movie?!

One thing I’ll never do again is watch a movie with a genius. You, me, us normal people, have a thing called suspension of disbelief. When we watch a Harry Potter movie we don't get lost when they shoot lighting out of their little wand. We're in, we get it. Magic. Got it! Light up the screen! I'm i...

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

Everything in 2020 happened to be recorded for a movie and the director is...

Quarantin Tatarino

I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads.

I call it "Uneasy Rider".

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

"Lincoln" grossed $275,000,000 in movie theaters

Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters

Did you guys hear the next King Kong movie will star Lady Kong?

Apparently it'll be a rom-kong

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

I hate it when people quote the movie Joker

I’d give my reason but you wouldn’t get it

Last night my wife and I watched some movies back to back.

Good thing I was the one facing the tv.

I had an idea for a movie where a retired CIA agent searches for his daughter in Paris

It turns out that idea was taken

My wife keeps asking why I need tissues at the end of joyful movies

I told her I always need them after a happy ending.

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He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

The Grave of the fireflies was such a good movie..

Can't wait more to watch the second part.

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

Why is the “The Big Lebowski” the president’s favorite movie?

Because the Dude is a Biden.

What are ghosts favorite movie genre?

Seance-fiction

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Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

What is Hannibal Lecter's favorite movie?

Gladiator

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

I just got done watching 3 movies about tiny crustaceans.

It was a krillogy.

Did you know the ancient Egyptians watched monster movies?

Moth-Ra was their favorite. (Yes, I am a dad)

Did you see that movie about Kong, the giant ape?

The plot was pretty bananas.

A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies

In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you £20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.

20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets £20 to give.

...

I took part in a boxing match where everytime I was KO'd, I'll get a Pixar movie. It has become irritating.

I get knocked down but I get Up again

Have you seen the movie, "Constipation?"

Of course not, it won't be out for a while.

Btw, I am a teacher and a 3rd grader told me that today.

Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day?

She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer. It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."

Man in a movie theater

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if...

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio yells, "I'll produce!"

And Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

Do you know why “Chicken Run” was as an marked explicit movie?

It has fowl language

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

My partner asked if we could watch that old movie from the 40's, "Gaslight"

I told them, "No, don't you remember? We watched it yesterday."

Q. Why won't Ex Machina still be a popular movie in twenty years?

A. The robots wont let us watch it.

Why did the teenager call 17 of his friends to watch a movie?

Because on the poster, it said "under 18 not allowed".

I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie.

They keep pressing paws.

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I hate being dyslexic. I went to a movie theater to see some cop porn

And all I got was this lousy popcorn.

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(I saw this as a meme, but haven't found it on this sub yet so here it goes) Pixar's movies always have the same idea

What if x has feelings?

Examples:

Toy Story: What if toys have feelings

Cars: What if cars have feelings

Inside Out: What if feelings have feelings

Soul: What if black people have feelings?

Have you guys heard about this remake of the old Jim Carrey/Renee Zellwegger movie, but starring mumble rappers?

It's called "Me, Myself, and My lean."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test out the robot at dinner one night. The father asks his son what his son did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some homework.” The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, ok. I was at a friend’s house watching a movie.” The dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” The son sa...

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What do you call a movie about a wanted whale?

Freeze Willy

Why didn’t they ever stop for gas in the Fast and Furious movies?

They had Vin Diesel.

Nobody enjoyed the in-flight movie.

It caused 17 walkouts.

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

I love watching movies with strong female leads.

I'm a heroine addict.

Best movie director for COVID times?

Quentin Quarantino

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

What’s a pirates favorite movie?

I dunno, whatever they can download for free.

The movie I was watching was so bad that I had to walk out.

Unfortunately, the flight attendant told me that she can’t open the doors mid-flight.

I told my friend about how I caught a huge snake. He asked me how big it was and I said, have you seen the movie anaconda?

It was about the size of the Anaconda’s DVD box.

"Doctor, my wife is secretly a movie theater!"

"I think you're just projecting."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a porn star’s favorite horror movie?

Night Of The Giving Head

Steven Spielberg died and went to Heaven.

"Thank goodness you made it to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "God is producing a movie and He wants you to direct it."

"Directing movies was what I did in my mortal life," said Spielberg. "This is my eternal life. I want my eternal life to be relaxing."

"I haven't told you about the film cr...

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

Obi Wan: “Yoda, why did the Star Wars movies come out 4,5,6,1,2,3

Yoda: “In charge of scheduling I was”

What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie?

Probably, "Bond Voyage."

Netflix's latest movie.

Netflix have released a powerful new film set in the 18th century about a princess who's cursed by non-stop menstruation . The witch who cursed her says she has before the age of 21 to lift the curse by falling in love.



Honestly, it's a fantastic period drama.

What's your favorite Robin Williams movie?

Without a doubt, mine is Mrs. Fire.

Anyone seen the movie 'The Tractor'?

No?

How about the trailer?

What's a zombie's favorite movie?

Shambler's list.

(Really not proud of this one.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While watching an action movie I took a fatal dose of Viagra at Christmas

#Diehard

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any Pixar movie he owns.

But he will never give you Up.

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

Have you heard of the movie about the broom?

It's sweeping the nation.

The follow up to the Netflix movie “Cuties”, has been announced.

Its a prequel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 16-year old boy is taking his girlfriend out on a date

When he picks her up at her parent's house, her dad invites him in and they chit chat while she's getting ready. The dad asks him about their plans for tonight. "We're going to the bowling alley first and afterwards a movie", the boy answers. "When I was your age, I was the very best at bowling", th...

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone showed me a porn movie with 2 dudes and one girl and said that it's called threesome

I said it's a DVD

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

What did Hollywood say when they made another Batman movie?

Done another-nother-nother-done-another-nother-nother...Batman!

People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas Eve movie.

Have you heard about the new blockbuster movie that's coming out that is not a sequel, reboot or remake?

Neither have I.

My 1st Movie Part

My agent called and I have a part in a movie called Cocaine

I was a little disappointed, I only have 1 line

Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members attending a premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

Why didn't they let the 11 year old into the pirate movie?

Because it was rated "Arrrr!"

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater to rewatch his movie - the Dark Knight Rises. To avoid being recognized on the street, he rushes into the theater, forgetting to wear his mask. Before he gets far, one of the theater employees stops him. Tom thinks it’s one of his fans asking for an autograph but to...

I saw a great movie about databases today.

I can't wait for the SQL

Why is the movie about the early Germanic people rated r

It contains Saxon violence.

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