The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio yells, "I'll produce!"

And Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

What do the movies The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

Obi Wan: “Yoda, why did the Star Wars movies come out 4,5,6,1,2,3

Yoda: “In charge of scheduling I was”

what do you call a movie that takes place in a school?

a school shooting


(if this has been made before i apologise anyways have a good day)

An Entertaining Movie

A man was at a movie theater but couldn't take his eyes off a woman and her dog in front of him. He noticed the dog seemed to understand what was happening in the movie. The dog would laugh at the funny parts, hide his eyes with his paws at the scary parts and started crying at the sad ending.
<...

Have you heard of the movie constapation?

That’s because it hasn’t come out yet.

What do you call the collective of all movies, songs, and stories about dogs?

Pup culture

I watched a murder mystery movie with my daughter.

She said, "Hey! They just stole this idea from Among Us!"

I saw a great movie about databases today.

I can't wait for the SQL

Have you heard about the new blockbuster movie that's coming out that is not a sequel, reboot or remake?

Neither have I.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any Pixar movie he owns.

But he will never give you Up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the dyslexic employee at the concession stand at the movie theatre get arrested?

For bootlegging copporn !!!

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

Have you heard of the new Jason Bourne movie about his retirement?

It's called Bourne Idle.

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

A movie studio is casting roles for a documentary about classical musicians.

Tom Cruise says “I’ll play the part of Mozart”
Liam Neeson says “I’ll make a great Beethoven”
Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach”

What are the similarities between alien movies and school?

\-

\-

\-

\-

\-

They are usually shot in America.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

I finally mustered up the courage to ask my masseuse out to a movie date...

When we got to the ticket counter she asks, “Does it cost more if there is a happy ending?”

A paraphrasing of a joke my friend wrote.

I can't wait for the release of the Tetris movie

It's a blockbuster in the making

What's a Buddhist's least favourite James Bond movie?

You Only Live Twice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baby started crying in the theatre during a movie.

Someone shouted, " hey lady, put a boob in its mouth"

The baby's father responded, "who the fuck are you."

Someone shouts from the back.

" Put the other one in his mouth."

My wife hates how I love making puns with Bruce Willis movie titles, and wishes I would stop. But you know what they say....

Old habits Pulp Fiction.

I just watched the cheesiest movies of all time.

3: The Havarti Boys


2: Goudafellas


And my all time favorite cheesy movie


1: The Guns of Provolone

Why are movie stars so cool?

They have a lot of fans.

Have you seen that one movie?

A young man grows up in the Dutch mob and works very hard to advance himself through the ranks of cheese making. He enjoys his life of money and luxury, but is oblivious to the horror that he causes. A cheese addiction and a few mistakes ultimately unravel his climb to the top.

I think it's c...

HR The Movie: Now it’s personnel.

More of a non sequitur really

I just watched a movie about a y = x graph

The plot was a bit predictable

And a little flat

Good special f(x) though

I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

One November night, a man suggests a Christmas movie when trying to choose something to watch with his wife.

"We can't watch that," says the wife. "We have to wait until December." The husband agrees to this, so they watch something else.

Several months later, in the middle of Summer, the wife sees something that reminds her of an event from her past. "Wanna hear something funny that happened when I...

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na,moer like pirate and booty.

Why do politicians tend to appear in movie cameos ?

Because they are such good actors.

If you were to ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP he would never give it to you.

In doing so, he would let you down.

Thus creating the rickroll paradox.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck girl asks her dad for twenty bucks to go to the movies.

"Alright," he father says, "But you gotta suck my dick."

She refuses, but later decides she really wants to see the new Brad Pitt movie. So she goes back and tells her dad to whip it out.

As soon as she wraps her mouth around it, she pulls away and nearly pukes.

"That tastes l...

Why did the pirate only see half of a movie?

Because he was wearing an eyepatch.

What does going to the massage parlor and watching a Hallmark Channel movie have in common?

You always know you’re getting a happy ending.

What's the only difference between the US and the movie Idiocracy?

They put the smart one in charge in the movie...

I saw a movie about how ships are put together!

It was riveting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Action movie editor

An action movie editor is in the editing room trimming a Keanu Reeves movie.

It’s filled with cool scenes on motorcycles, and hand-to-hand martial arts combat. But it’s long. The editor has to pull some scenes.

So he’s pulling scenes and removes a really cool scene involving a stuntma...

The release of the Bond movie has been postponed once again because of COVID.

Hollywood wants to die another day.

My girlfriend and I are huge movie quoters. When we give each other presents, we say, "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!?!"

Apparently when she asks, "How do I look?"
"That'll do, Pig. That'll do," isn't the right movie quote...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a movie about Adolf Hitler?

The Germinator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve just got a part in a porn movie

I’m the guy that goes off to work while his missus waits in for the plumber.

What did Chris Nolan say after he got a movie idea?

"Where's ma-co-caine? "

I wanted to tell you which M. Night Shyamalan movie is my favourite,

But it's not happening.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

This movie about killing dwarf vampires has no tension

The stakes are too low

What begins with "p", ends with "orn" and is popular in the movie industry?

Popcorn.

Just saw this great movie...

It was about a young cannibals first visit to his girlfriend’s parents’ house that goes nightmarishly wrong.
It was called “Meat the Parents”

What was the name of the movie about a baby goat that learns karate?

The Karate Kid

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Now i know why the Star Wars movies were released as 4, 5, 6, 1, 2 and 3 in that order

"Because to be in charge of the planification, i was tasked" Yoda once told me

Can’t wait to see the new movie “Caravan Park”

The trailers look amazing.

What would you do if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?

Miss most of the picture.

What movie would Samuel L. Jackson and David Lynch make?

Snakes on a plane of existence.

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nazi racing movie?

Fast and Fuhrer-ious

They’re making The Ilyad into a movie.

You really odyssea it.

I was pretty mad when they told me my flat earth movie was nominated for an award.

Golden globes

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

I just traded my collection of 18th century nun attire for some Bruce Willis movies

Old habits Die Hard.

My friend swears he loves horror movies involving clowns

I'm not certain, but I think he means It.

Stalin attends the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin repl...

I can't stop watching movies with strong female leads

I'm a heroine addict

Did anyone see the new Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels movie last night?

Dumb and Dumber III: Lloyd and Harry Run for President.

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

Have you heard of the upcoming movie where a time traveller gets transformed into a chicken?

It's called Bawk to the Future.

Finally watched the Bee movie

It was good insect-ions

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

Did you hear that Peter Jackson and John Hughes planned to make a movie together?

“The Second Breakfast Club”.

Why aren’t children allowed to watch movies about green ogres?

Because of all the Shrexual content.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just watched that new peanut butter falcon movie. If I had to rate it

I'd give it a 24 out of 23.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Sex with me is like trying to find you’re seat in a crowded movie theatre.

There’s a lot of pushing, a few pained grunts, a shove or two, and somewhere from the darkness you hear the word “sorry...”.

What do you call a light hearted romance movie staring a Senator from Utah?

A Romcomney

Which disney movie does gordon ramsay hate the most?

Frozen.

What do Al Pacino and Leonardo DiCaprio drink on the set of their new movie?

Capacino.

Have you heard the movie that they’re making about fast food?

It’s getting filmed in Greece.

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

I heard they're making a Tetris movie...

They can't get the script done. Every time they write a line, it disappears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watched my first porno movie last night...

Boy, was I in good shape back then!

Little known fact; Haley Joel Osment had a cameo in the Titanic movie.

His line? “Icy dead people.”

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Gordon Ramsays favourite Movie?

It's fucking FROZEN!!

My favorite movie is without a doubt

Mrs. Fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dwayne Johnson is doing a battle scene for a movie...

When suddenly the villain he is fighting kicks him in the butt.

Dwayne shocked, responds "you've just hit rock's bottom"

In every X-Men movie Wolverine looks at his claws like he forgot he had them

and then he gets real mad

Name the movie in which Russell Crowe acts as a zombie

Glad I ate her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
...

It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue…

Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear...

What did the director Christopher Nolan say to Tom Hardy when he asked him to cast in the movie Tenet ?

Sorry, Tom,.......it's Hardy.

Three sheep in trench coat want to see a movie

“One adult ticket please” the sheep says

“I can tell you’re three sheep in a trench coat” the salesman says

“Really?”

“Yes! One, two, zzz”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

I hate when people say I don't know any good movies.

Of course I dont, did you meet any?

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

I hate seeing directors make the same movie. It gets boring, I guess I'm...

Board of directors

They're about to release a braille movie

They're about to release a braille movie, it's tipped to win the best "feel good" movie of the year.

People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres

Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

The first Water movie was great.

Yesterday I saw H2O 1 and it was refreshing. Today I heard that the critics are saying the second one is a killer one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A polar bear cub asks his mom

Cub: Mom, am I a polar bear?

Mom: Yes, of course you are.

Cub: ok

Next day

Cub: Mom, are you sure I am a polar bear?

Mom: I am a polar bear, you dad is a polar bear, you are definitely a polar bear.

Cub: ok

Next day

Cub: Mom, are you sure I a...

I like the Harry Potter books and movies but

I think the character of Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.

Jeffrey Epstein worked on the upcoming "Cuties" movie

He was an executed producer

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

What do you call a 2020 binge of the Kill Bill movies?

Rentin' Quarantino

Favorite Joke from a movie

Jesus walks into an inn, hands the innkeeper 3 nails and a hammer. Then asks the innkeeper "can you put me up for the night"

You know a movie which was ahead of its time

A movie about 2020 named 2012 came out in 2009

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got such a vigorous hand job whilst watching the new Adams Family movie that my dick has turned purple.

Talk about too much of a good Thing.

Can anyone tell me who played forest gump in the movie??

T.hanks

I just seen the guy from the fantastic 4 movies at the gas station.

You know the human torch.. I tried to get his autograph but he just kept on rolling around on the floor screaming.

What’s the difference between Hallmark movies and Scooby-Doo?

One has formulaic plots, two-dimensional characters, and bad guys trying to close some kind of real estate deal, and the other has a talking dog in it.

What movie did you go see?

My parents had great fun teasing each other and yanking each other's chains.

They were visiting me (38m at the time) and my wife+kids, and my Dad & I went out to see a movie. We found Jurassic Park I (in 3D), and went to see that. It was an enjoyable experience.

When we were on o...

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