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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

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My sexual performance is just like the movie...

*Gone in 60 Seconds*

I was feeling down when my friend told me what would happen in a movie I wanted to watch...

..but spoilers add to the downforce.

So I pitched a movie idea to Alec Baldwin...

It didn't go well, he shot it down!

What is the truck drivers favorite part of the movies?

The trailers

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

What do you get when you squash together a game and a disney movie?

Aladdin's Creed.

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

I'm gonna make a movie about a man with a speech impediment during world War 2

I'm gonna call it Schindler's Lisp

They asked Arnold Schwarzenegger to play a classical composer for a movie do you know what his reply was?

I'll be Bach

What’s Gollum‘s favourite horror movie?

The Ring

A girl goes to a movie theatre…

…with her dog.
The movie didn’t have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end of the movie and her dog was crying as well. A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said “That’s absolutely amazing. I can’t believe your dog is crying”

She responded: “I can’t believe e...

I had a movie idea.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Have you heard about the movie “Constipation?”

No?
That’s because it hasn’t come out yet

What is Gordon Ramsay's least favorite movie?

Frozen

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What is a male streakers favorite movie?

Free Willy

Just made this up: whats the no.1 movie for fish at the moment?

JAMES POND. NO TIME TO FRY!

What will the 10th movie in the Fast and Furious franchise be called?

Fast10

Your seat belts

Rumor has it Marvel is gonna make a movie about Iron Woman

The cast will have a FeMale.

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

When Marvel named a movie after Chadwick Boseman's wife, they crossed the line

Seriously? Black Widow? Show some respect!

I’m making a movie about looking for vintage records at thrift shops.

It’s called “Goodwill Hunting.”

Why do Brits always look wealthier on T.V. and in movies?

Because the camera puts on 10 pounds.

My friend asked if I wanted to go out for a horror movie.

I said I'd prefer the movie.

Last night I watched a movie called "Fresh Meat".

I don't want to spoil it for you.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

What us something you can't say in a superhero movie?

Is it a bird, is it a plane, well whatever it is its heading straight for the world trade center

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There's a new horror movie out about the evil offspring of adult movie stars.

It's call Children of the Porn.

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students

Numb and Number

Have you seen the documentary from 2010 about the Pixar movie display case?

It holds Up.

Why don't pirates ever take their kids to see movies?

Because they are all rated ARRRRR

Nintendo has explicitly banned Chris Pratt from using method acting for the Mario movie

They have warned him that eating shrooms on set is both unprofessional and illegal.

Where do mermaids go to watch movies?

The dive in.

Why do people who are colorblind hate the movie Shawshank Redemption?

Because they can't see Red.

What is an Anti-Vaxxer's favourite movie?

Mrs. Doubt-Pfizer

Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

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The problem with sex in the movies is,

that the popcorn usually spills.

I found an inconsistency in a Cheech and Chong movie.

It was a pothole.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

Rick Astley will let you borrow almost any movie from his Pixar collection.

But he's never gonna give you Up

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

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My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.

"Don't go in the Church!" He cried


"it's a trap!"




"Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?" His son asked



"No dear, He's watching our wedding video." The mom replied

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

A new Taken movie is being made.

In it, Liam Neeson feels like nobody appreciates the effort he went through to get his family back. So he pays people to kidnap him to make his family see the lengths he went through to save them.

It’s going to be called Taken 4 Granted.

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

I watched a movie about fishing...

It had a great cast in it.

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At the movies

2 old women, Martha and Ethel, go to the theater. After watching the movie for a while, Martha nudges Ethel and whispers," Ethel, the man next to me is masturbating". Ethel whispers back,"Just ignore him Martha".

Martha replies," I can't ignore him. He's using my hand".

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Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

I love Rock's acting in all his movies, I wonder where he got his acting skills from...

Oh he was in WWE.

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Daughter asks her mother: "Mom, can I go to the movies with my friend?"

"And what kind of movie are you going to watch?" said the mother.

"A Horror movie," the daughter replied

"Well, you can't," said the mother...

"To be all scared and get closer to him in the cinema."

"Well, what about an romantic movie then?" the daughter asked.

"Oh...

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

A walkie talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie.

Radio-carbon dating

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

What do you get when you cross an orange with Quentin Tarantino?

Pulp Fiction

Credit to the movie The Starving Games

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

Astley paradox

If you ask Rick Astley for a DVD of the movie Up, he won't give it to you because he's never gonna give you Up. However, by not giving you Up like you asked for, he's letting you down.

What is a dog’s favorite spy movie?

Mission im-paw-sible

Movie night

We wanted to "Netflix and chill" last night, so my wife asked me to put on a movie called " scent of a woman". I could not find it so I put on the next best thing...." A fish called Wanda"

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night

Aftwerwards I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

Movie ratings explained:

* G- Nobody gets the girl.
* PG- The good guy gets the girl.
* R- The bad guy gets the girl.
* X- Everyone gets the girl.

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

A couple were watching a movie in a dark theater when a mosquito went inside the girl's pants. Can you guess where did the mosquito bite?

On the boyfriend's hand, you dirty minded perverts. Smh.

A list of things that helicopters do in movies

1. explode
2.

Who's that kid in that movie you can't ever remember their name?

Whatchamacaulay Culkin

Why did the surgeon not like the movie?

Because it was the uncut version.

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

Did you hear about the new Bruce Willis movie?

Bruce Willis has to go undercover in a retirement home for nuns to stop a terrorist plot.

It's called "Old Habits Die Hard".

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There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

Mom wouldn't let me see the orchestra movie

She said there was too much sax and violins

I watched a movie made by Sofia Coppola

Unfortunately It was Lost in translation

I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month

but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus

My friend asked me if the next Star Wars movies were going to be in 3D

"Yes" I replied "...but they R2D2."

It's the exact same movie.

Did you know that if you watch the movie 'Tenet' in reverse...

A well-known American actor is walking through the centre of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Suddenly, a member of the public stops him, and says, "I recognise you from somewhere, are you famous?"

The actor answered, "As a matter of fact, I am. I played Commodus in the movie 'Gladiator.'"

Astonished, the Geordie replied "Are you Joaquin?"

To which Joaquin said "Yes, but...

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

My favorite movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

What is the dairy farmer’s favorite Disney movie?

Moo-ana

Just watched a movie where a mad scientist rigs a DeLorean to time travel and he paints everything purple, it's called...

"Back to the Fuschia"

My favorite Will Smith movie is the one where he is part of a map

I Am Legend

What would you call a horror movie set in a post-gasoline world?

The Silence of The Lambos

What do you call a movie extra from Prague?

A background Czech.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio yells, "I'll produce!"

And Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

Why can you never watch a movie with your cat?

Cos they're always stepping on pause.

Mr. Johnson walked into a movie theater and sat down next to a dog who was at the theater with his owner.

Much to Mr. Johnson's astonishment, the dog laughed at the funny parts, cried at the sad parts, booed at the villain's wicked deeds, and cheered at the hero's heroics.

When they left the theater, Mr. Johnson told the dog owner, "Your dog's reactions to that movie were amazing!"

"I thou...

I saw a movie once.

In the movie, a guy put a thumbtack on a girls chair, and she sat on it.

Not much of a plot I'll admit, but I like movies where the guy gets the girl in the end.

I think my Asian wife is cheating on me.

We've been together for about a year now and we've never even had the typical petty arguments. Even with the language barrier, we understand each other for the most part and if we don't, we use google to translate or just use a different word to substitute. We actually get along really really great ...

Which specific body part makes a ton of movie blockbusters?

This knee.

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