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The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year.

In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

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What is Gordon Ramsay’s favourite movie?

Its fucking FROZEN!!

Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers, I'm playing Beethoven.

Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I'm not saying it.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

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i finally got my first role in a porn movie!!!

I'm the husband leaving for work.

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3 guys were at a sleep over

They just watched a horror movie so decide to sleep on the same bed.
In the morning when they wake up.
The guy on the left says "I had great dream where he was being wanked of by a hot blond"
The guy on right says "Oh shit, I had a dream where I was being wanked of but by a brunette"
T...

Me: A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie

Friend: Gladiator?

Me: No I really miss her.

My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a hero with a twisted back story.

My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies.".

So, I spanked her and came in her hair.

I think we watch different movies.

have you hear about a movie titled 'Constipation '?

It hasn't come out yet.

My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

A man walks into a movie theatre and sees a pig

Disgusted by the wild boar , the man asks : “why is there a pig in this movie theatre?”

The pig turns around- “I liked the book”

What do you call a gullible patriarchal figure from the Avatar movie?

A Fleeced Na'Vi Dad.

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

Fun movie fact: Did you know that the movie "Speed" featuring Keanu had no director?

Because if it had direction, then the movie would be called "Velocity"

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

My date stood me up at the movie theatre

I had to sit back down after getting yelled at by the family behind me.

If you watch a Jackie Chan movie backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he'll be starring in a new movie about a 18th century composer

When asked about it it, Mr Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

no matter how much someone says they like the movie the passion of the Christ

They always say the book was better

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

I heard they are making an erotic movie about Elvis

It’s going to be called 50 shades of Blue Suede.

I was watching a horror movie about the Apocalypse.

It took me 5 minutes to realise I was on the news channel.

messed up movie

Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.


Friend:Well whats it about?


Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnap...

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A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

Will Smith’s next movie

One flew over the cuckold’s nest

What's Donkey's favourite movie?

Enter the Dragon

Which US president featured in sci-fi movies?

Ronald Ray Gun.

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

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Whats the difference between a porn flick and a Hollywood movie?

They only show the gag reel at the end of the Hollywood movie

I was walking past a movie theater showing "The Black Phone" and some guy standing out front was saying, "Stephen King is my dad and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I said to him...

"Surely you must be Joe."

There’s a new movie out about Marie Curie.

It received glowing reviews.

Three guys making a movie

Christopher Nolan: I'll produce

Leonardo Dicaprio: I'll act

Matthew McConaughey: I'll write I'll write I'll write

A teen drama movie is kinda like the jewish flag

It’s nothing without a huge star

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

The movie was so boring, that...

...I had to fight Zs harder than the Ukrainian army.

(Sorry, inappropriate. Also, sorry not a joke, just a saying I just invented. Also, Slava Ukraini)

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i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

I'm writing a movie about Pinocchio joining the mob

Woodfellas

Life is like a Zack Snyder movie

It's too long and I don't get how people can enjoy it

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

Have y'all heard about the movie, Constipation?

It never came out

I like to hold hands at the movies…

which always seems to startle strangers.

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

TIL that my Grandfather actually warned people that the Titanic was going to sink…

Despite his constant attempts, unfortunately nobody listened, and he ended up getting kicked out of the movie theatre

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Did you hear about the porn star who did bondage movies?

She was strapped for cash.

Frozen(the movie) Joke

Why don’t you want to sit behind Elsa in a movie theatre?


Cause here I stand!

——

I’ll see myself out…

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What did the penis say to the condom?

“Cover me, I’m going in!”

 

________
*^(Condom: “You need to lay off those action movies, Richard!”)*

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I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.

You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Friend 1: Hey, I've invited 17people for movie tonight at our home, wanna come?

Friend 2: Yeah sure but why so many people ?
Friend 1: It's because the DVD says 18+ viewers only

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

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Movie director once said that

Bitches be having 5 dildos, 3 vibrators and a butt plug talking about "𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦'𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘦"

Yeah, a Toy Story.

I made a movie about farm life...

...but the film quality was too grainy and the plot was very corny.

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

Why does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography?

Because he's the reel deal.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

What is Donald Trump's Most Hated Movie?

*Attack of the Killer Tomatoes*.

A crime at the movie theater

A police detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just got done investigating a burglary at the local movie theater," the detective tells the bartender. "They lost almost $10,000." "That's horrible," the bartender says. "Did they get the cash register?" "No," the detective replies. "Just three...

The truth is that Amber Heard won't ever work in movies again.

Her lawyer,"For a difference of $150,000,000, act like the victim ".

My collection of board game inspired movies was robbed, but I dont know what was stolen

I have no clue

The lawyer just told us that all of our late grandfather’s assets are Frozen.

No idea why he bought so many DVDs of the movie.

...and preparing for the role in this movie I had to gain 50 pounds.

- But aren't you a voice-over actor?
- Little details...

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

What's Dio's favourite Disney movie?

Aladdin. Because I can show you ZA WARUDO!

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

Did you see the new movie they made about an air conditioner?

Wasn’t a fan

It would be impossible to remake a classic movie like Casablanca today

because the cast and crew are all dead.

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

What's a pirate's favorite Christmas movie?

It's A Plunderful Life!

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

I heard the next Fast and Furious movie is going to have these fins on the back of the cars....

...Oops, spoilers.

The movie Turning Red takes Place in Toronto, Canada in the year 2002.

It's a period piece.

Three action movie actors decided to do a movie about classical composers...

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Beethovan"

Sylvester Stallone replied, "I'll be Mozart"

Arnold Schwarzenegger chimed in, "I'll be Bach"

Why couldn’t the pirate watch a movie without a parent?

It was rated Arrr

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

The turtle wanted to see an erotic movie once in his life.

But the box office wouldn't let her in, so she sat down in front of the cinema and started crying.

A young man walked by and asked the turtle what was wrong. She explained what had happened and the man suggested that he could hide her in his pants if the turtle would buy him a ticket. He woul...

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

I want to see that movie about a guy who's constipated.

But it's not out yet.

Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun: Maverick...

...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway".

A Dark One

So this guy volunteers at a childrens cancer ward, he made friends with a boy named Timmy, they talked about star wars, watched marvel movies, played checkers, traded baseball cards. One day, little Timmy asks the guy "Hey mister, when I get out of this place, will you still come visit me?", the guy...

We went to see a movie the other night.

I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, as it feels a little roomier.

Just as the movie was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started making her way out, saying, "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, got to hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time sh...

Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

Samuel L. Jackson is going to be playing St. Patrick in a new movie.

His first job will be to get some Snakes off a plain.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

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I watched my first porn movie today.

I was so young back then!

I saw a movie where a guy tried to shoot open a lock, but the heat from the bullet actually fused the metal together so the door wouldn't budge.

Now that's what I call a shotgun welding.

James Cameron is making a sci-fi movie about cyborg music producers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

Life tip: watch the movie "Jaws" backwards.

It is a heartwarming story about a giant white shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

I'm thinking of watching a good movie with my girlfriend

Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

I once made a movie about menstrual cycles in Elizabethan England.

It was a period piece.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

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My sexual performance is just like the movie...

*Gone in 60 Seconds*

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What do fairy tales, Disney movies and porn have in common?

Unrealistic stepmother depictions

Have you seen the movie: “Constipated”?

No? Well, it hasn’t come out yet

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

I watched a movie about Stockholm Syndrome

It captured me even though i didnt like it at first, but by the end i absolutely loved it

Did you see that movie with the bugs living together in an apartment?

It's about ten ants.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg" Because every Movie has a cast

Found this on the internet. Found it funny

Rick Astley will let you borrow any Pixar movie from his collection except Up.

He's never gonna give you *Up*

What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's?

They can watch their favourite movie over and over and over again without getting bored

Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

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