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Movie Jokes

Did you hear about the new frog movie?

I hear it's ribbiting.

Now that the movie Titanic is 25 years old

Leo has completely lost interest in it.

I just found out that the movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

The Tetris movie is finally coming out in 2023 after numerous delays.

Every time they finished a line in the script, it disappeared.

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

The movie Titanic turns 25 later this year.

In related news, Leonardo DiCaprio said he is no longer interested in seeing it.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

Sylvester Stallone wants to make a movie about classical music..

He wants to play Beethoven.

Jean Claud Van Damme says “I’ll be Mozart”

Arnold Schwarzenegger “c’mon guys. Don’t make me say it”.

When I went to the toilet, I left the door open so I could keep watching the movie.

The other passengers on the plane were slightly irritated.

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I've always wanted to sleep with the stretchy mom from that superhero family movie

It would be fucking Incredible

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They made a movie about the guy who died of viagra overdose.

It's called Die Hard.

Netflix has devised the perfect way to stop the distribution of pirated movies

They now block all movies with an IMDB rating of 3.14 ;)

Pi-rated .. sorry ;)

I wanted to see that new movie titled "Constipated"

It hasn't come out yet.

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

I heard Alec Baldwin is shooting another movie this year

Hope he misses this time

Made love to the wife last night, just like they do in the movies.

I was fast, she was furious.

Watching a Movie

I started watching this movie with my wife. The whole movie was a campground, filled with tents and two people sleeping in each. After a while, she told me to turn it off. When I asked if it's because it's boring, she said "No, it's just two in tents."

Most characters in the Harry Potter series were represented well in their transition from book to movie;

But Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.

Why did the narcissist buy a movie theater?

They were good at projecting

I bought my 2 year old son some toys from the movie Toy Story.

It seemed like a good idea at the time because he loved those movies. Turns out, he didn't like the toys. Wailing, he threw a figurine at the wall, shattering it.


It was a total buzzkill.

Have you guys scene the new john Wilkes booth movie?

I’ve heard it’s mind blowing.

What is an atheist's favorite movie?

Coincidence on 34th Street

Have you seen "Schrodinger's Cat the Movie"?

It doesn't have any showing times. You buy a ticket but won't know if it is playing or not until you walk into the theater.

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Zombie movie set. The director is pissed....

The director screams "stop that!". "Okay, let's try again".

Zombies drudge down the hall halfhazardly, and as it seems to be going well the director screams "CUT!", then walks out and grabs one zombie in particular.

The zombie actor is bewildered and shocked. The director says "why do...

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My favorite Hollywood movie of the recent past is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”.

Never gets old.

Did you see the review for the scary movie about pogo sticks?

It has its ups and downs, but too many jump scares for me.

How does a monster watch a scary movie?

It goes to a screaming service.

Hugh Jackman films a movie in the Swiss Alps and loses his Dell laptop.

Just when he thinks it's lost forever, he is grateful to see it found, in the hands of a yodeler who tells him:

"Your Dell lay here, Hugh!"

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

What did the movie director say when he finished his burrito?

“That’s a wrap!”

One day, Leonardo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg and Matthew McConaughey get together and decide to make a movie.

DiCaprio says "I'll act."
Spielberg says "I'll direct."
McConaughey says "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for ol...

I need help finding a Tim Burton movie

I Googled "Tim Burton movie where Johnny Depp plays a quirky, androgynous loner," and Google told me to be more specific.

Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”.

The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

Have you heard about the new Star Trek Christmas movie?

It’s The Wreath of Khan

You've heard of/seen the movie The Last of the Mohicans...

But have you heard they are making a prequal trilogy?


They're doing it a little like Memento where each movie will be further back in time. So, for example the first prequal movie takes place right before the original, then the next before that, then the last one will start the whole thi...

Movie

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, “The last time I came to the mov...

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What is Gordon Ramsay’s favourite movie?

Its fucking FROZEN!!

Leonardo DiCaprio has pledged to never watch the Titanic movie again ever..

Why you ask? Beacause it's turning 25 this year..

Each movie in the Sequel Trilogy got an Oscar

He played Poe Dameron.

What's the Habsburg Dynasty's favourite movie?

Jaws

A walkie-talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie.

Classic example of radio-carbon dating.

You say you never steal movie quotes?

Be a lot cooler if you did.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

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I like to watch horror, movies when I’m in the bathroom

It scares the shit out of me

First Date.

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies.".

So, I spanked her and came in her hair.

I think we watch different movies.

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

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i finally got my first role in a porn movie!!!

I'm the husband leaving for work.

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

Me: A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie

Friend: Gladiator?

Me: No I really miss her.

A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.

"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"

"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.

"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."

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A man was in love with his duck, and he took it to a movie with him one night.

The cashier said, ‘You can’t bring that duck in here’, so the man went around the corner and stuffed the duck down the front of his trousers, bought a ticket and went inside.
The duck started getting restless; so the man opened up his fly and let the duck’s head out. Well, next to the man was ...

I saw Black Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.

I had no idea Wakanda movie it was.

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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

An amarican and a canadian wants to watch a movie together

American: Lets watch Titanic

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank!

I went to the movies and there was a man who brought his dog into the theater with him.

After the movie, I went up to the man and I said "Hey this might sound weird, but it seemed like your dog was really enjoying the movie." The man said "Yeah, I'm suprised too, because he *hated* the book!"

Will Smith’s next movie

One flew over the cuckold’s nest

If you take the first two letters of the title of all the Harry Potter movies, it spells out a secret message

# HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA

What’s the most underrated joke you’ve heard in a movie?

Mine is from The Hangover:

Alan: I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

Phil: How'd he die?

Alan: World War II.

Phil: Died in battle?

Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World Wa...

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

Fun movie fact: Did you know that the movie "Speed" featuring Keanu had no director?

Because if it had direction, then the movie would be called "Velocity"

How did Shape of Water (the fish movie) end?

Fin

My friend and I were talking about pirated movie in China

Friend: I can watch a whole movie on Bilbili

Me: There are basically no Copyright in China, because the people there have no right.

Friend: So they left with copy. And they think copy is right

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

Did you know they're gonna release the 10th Fast and Furious movie already?

It's called Fast10 your seatbelts.

Have you heard about what the necromancer movie director did?

He ordered the whole film to be reanimated.

What are you doing with that penguin?

So this cop is waiting behind a billboard in the desert. He's just chilling in his car waiting for speeders to ticket when, all of a sudden, a man drives by at under the speed limit. The cop is about to let him pass, but then he sees the man has, of all things, a penguin in his shotgun seat!
The ...

My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a hero with a twisted back story.

My date stood me up at the movie theatre

I had to sit back down after getting yelled at by the family behind me.

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

If you watch a Jackie Chan movie backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

A man walks into a movie theatre and sees a pig

Disgusted by the wild boar , the man asks : “why is there a pig in this movie theatre?”

The pig turns around- “I liked the book”

Terminator movie, Kennedy family and anabolic steroid walked into a bar

They were arguing loudly. The bartender said: "Please keep it down. What you are arguing about?"

"We have a little disagreement about who of us made Arnold Schwarzenegger big."

Imagine the uproar if Blazing Saddles was made today.

People would say "this is plagiarism, make your own movie".

I watched such a sad movie in the cinema today

Even the seats were in tiers

What do you call a gullible patriarchal figure from the Avatar movie?

A Fleeced Na'Vi Dad.

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

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3 guys were at a sleep over

They just watched a horror movie so decide to sleep on the same bed.
In the morning when they wake up.
The guy on the left says "I had great dream where he was being wanked of by a hot blond"
The guy on right says "Oh shit, I had a dream where I was being wanked of but by a brunette"
T...

I just watched that Frida Kahlo movie for the first time.

She really raised some eyebrows back then.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

I just saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies.

It was rated Squeegee-13.

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he'll be starring in a new movie about a 18th century composer

When asked about it it, Mr Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

I was watching a horror movie about the Apocalypse.

It took me 5 minutes to realise I was on the news channel.

If you ever feel lonely

Just watch a horror movie in the dark, you won’t feel lonely anymore

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

no matter how much someone says they like the movie the passion of the Christ

They always say the book was better

Two elderly couples get together to play bridge every week.

The ladies are in the kitchen making snacks and the old guys are talking. One says to the other "we went to see a movie last week and it was excellent but I can't remember the name of it. I thinks it's uhhh... what's the name of the flower with the red petals and the thorns?" His friend answers "a r...

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

I was walking past a movie theater showing "The Black Phone" and some guy standing out front was saying, "Stephen King is my dad and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I said to him...

"Surely you must be Joe."

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A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

Why did Quentin Tarantino regret directing a Ninja Turtles movie?

Because he felt the villains being called "The Foot Clan" was very misleading.

Watched a movie about masseuse.

I am glad it had a happy ending.

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Why did the ladder suddenly become popular in porn movies?

Because it was a step ladder

Why did the first three Starwars movies come out AFTER episodes 4-6?

In charge of directing, yoda was.

How do you cure loneliness?

Watch a horror movie by yourself in a dark room. The feeling will soon go away.

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

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i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

messed up movie

Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.


Friend:Well whats it about?


Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnap...

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

After my grandfather died, his lawyer told us that all of his assets were Frozen.

Why he bought so many DVDs of the movie—no one knows.

Which US president featured in sci-fi movies?

Ronald Ray Gun.

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