UPJOKE
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I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

Will Smith’s next movie

One flew over the cuckold’s nest

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

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I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.

You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

I made a movie about farm life...

...but the film quality was too grainy and the plot was very corny.

Why does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography?

Because he's the reel deal.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

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What can be an alternate name for porn movies

Sinema.

My collection of board game inspired movies was robbed, but I dont know what was stolen

I have no clue

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

...and preparing for the role in this movie I had to gain 50 pounds.

- But aren't you a voice-over actor?
- Little details...

What is Donald Trump's Most Hated Movie?

*Attack of the Killer Tomatoes*.

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

A crime at the movie theater

A police detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just got done investigating a burglary at the local movie theater," the detective tells the bartender. "They lost almost $10,000." "That's horrible," the bartender says. "Did they get the cash register?" "No," the detective replies. "Just three...

What's Dio's favourite Disney movie?

Aladdin. Because I can show you ZA WARUDO!

It would be impossible to remake a classic movie like Casablanca today

because the cast and crew are all dead.

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

The movie Turning Red takes Place in Toronto, Canada in the year 2002.

It's a period piece.

I heard the next Fast and Furious movie is going to have these fins on the back of the cars....

...Oops, spoilers.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

A Sad Movie

A tortilla and a chicken burrito went to watch a sad movie. The chicken burrito cried, but the tortilla did not. Why?
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Because the tortilla has no fillings.

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...

What's a pirate's favorite Christmas movie?

It's A Plunderful Life!

Why couldn’t the pirate watch a movie without a parent?

It was rated Arrr

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

Did you see the new movie they made about an air conditioner?

Wasn’t a fan

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

Three action movie actors decided to do a movie about classical composers...

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Beethovan"

Sylvester Stallone replied, "I'll be Mozart"

Arnold Schwarzenegger chimed in, "I'll be Bach"

We went to see a movie the other night.

I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, as it feels a little roomier.

Just as the movie was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started making her way out, saying, "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, got to hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time sh...

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

Samuel L. Jackson is going to be playing St. Patrick in a new movie.

His first job will be to get some Snakes off a plain.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps th...

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

I want to see that movie about a guy who's constipated.

But it's not out yet.

I once made a movie about menstrual cycles in Elizabethan England.

It was a period piece.

Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie”.

My friend and I are in my house, arguing about what Disney Pixar movie we’re watching tonight.

I told him that if we weren’t going to watch The Incredibles, he would need to leave my house.

So that’s exactly what he did.

He shut Up and left.

I saw a movie where a guy tried to shoot open a lock, but the heat from the bullet actually fused the metal together so the door wouldn't budge.

Now that's what I call a shotgun welding.

I'm thinking of watching a good movie with my girlfriend

Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

Life tip: watch the movie "Jaws" backwards.

It is a heartwarming story about a giant white shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

I watched a movie about Stockholm Syndrome

It captured me even though i didnt like it at first, but by the end i absolutely loved it

The turtle wanted to see an erotic movie once in his life.

But the box office wouldn't let her in, so she sat down in front of the cinema and started crying.

A young man walked by and asked the turtle what was wrong. She explained what had happened and the man suggested that he could hide her in his pants if the turtle would buy him a ticket. He woul...

(This one’s a tad dark… you’ve been warned) What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

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I watched my first porn movie today.

I was so young back then!

Dad joke: What's a hallmark movie played backwards?

A country song. :D

Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

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What do fairy tales, Disney movies and porn have in common?

Unrealistic stepmother depictions

Did you see that movie with the bugs living together in an apartment?

It's about ten ants.

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

Have you seen the movie: “Constipated”?

No? Well, it hasn’t come out yet

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

Why did the cat never finish the movie?

It kept hitting paws.

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My sexual performance is just like the movie...

*Gone in 60 Seconds*

What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?

One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.

Hollywood Movies are Fake

Not once did a cop take me downtown.

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

Rick Astley will let you borrow any Pixar movie from his collection except Up.

He's never gonna give you *Up*

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg" Because every Movie has a cast

Found this on the internet. Found it funny

I love it when the main character in a movie has a twisted back story...

Probably why 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' is one of my all-time favourites!

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They're making a movie about a Scotland yard inspector suffering from chronic constipation ...

... titled, No Shit Sherlock.

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I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard

From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.

Ever hear about the movie called "Constipation"?

It never came out

What do you call it when an Apple fan is watching a 90s movie on a tablet about a dog that plays basketball on their wireless headphones?

They're watching Air Bud on their iPad through their Air Pods earbuds.

Did you see the movie about the dinosaurs that couldn’t find the herbs?

It was the land before thyme.

What’s a climate activist’s favourite movie?

Mad at gas car

Father's Day

I don't get excited about gifts the way other people do, and it drives my wife nuts. For Father's Day, my wife was determined to get a reaction out of me and so she ordered me a custom-designed tie. She knew that I had two great passions in life: movies and dad humor, so she hired a well-known graph...

A girl goes to a movie theatre…

…with her dog.
The movie didn’t have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end of the movie and her dog was crying as well. A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said “That’s absolutely amazing. I can’t believe your dog is crying”

She responded: “I can’t believe e...

What is Gordon Ramsay's least favorite movie?

Frozen

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

The bee movie script is a lesser used alternative to a rick roll.

A bee roll if you will.

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

A young blonde woman wants to go to the movies with one of her friends, but none of them are available, so she decides to go by herself.

"Please be careful," says her brunette roommate. "I went to the movies once by myself, and I had to change my seat thrice because I kept finding myself sitting next to a man who tried to make out with me."

"Don't worry!" replies the blonde. "I'll be careful!"

When the blonde comes back...

What is the truck drivers favorite part of the movies?

The trailers

Why Russian movies and series are mostly WWII themed?

They don't have to spend a single kopeika on props and decorations

In an upcoming movie, Peter Parker brings the founder of Theranos to justice

They are calling it: "Spiderman: No way, Holmes"

So I pitched a movie idea to Alec Baldwin...

It didn't go well, he shot it down!

Giraffe at movies

I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the movies and other places. You’d always get some person complaining that they couldn’t see the screen.
It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect?

“Well he can take his hat off for a start”

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

What will the 10th movie in the Fast and Furious franchise be called?

Fast10

Your seat belts

I'm gonna make a movie about a man with a speech impediment during world War 2

I'm gonna call it Schindler's Lisp

I was feeling down when my friend told me what would happen in a movie I wanted to watch...

..but spoilers add to the downforce.

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

One of the benefits of having memory loss

I can watch as many horror movies I want and still be able to go to the bathroom at 3 am alone

Rumor has it Marvel is gonna make a movie about Iron Woman

The cast will have a FeMale.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

What’s donkey from shrek’s favorite Bruce Lee movie?

Enter the dragon

I don’t get why so many people have an issue with The Kardashians show.

I like to compare it to the Lego movie with all of the plastic parts moving around

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

Just made this up: whats the no.1 movie for fish at the moment?

JAMES POND. NO TIME TO FRY!

What do you get when you squash together a game and a disney movie?

Aladdin's Creed.

Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...

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