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Opts Jokes

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and...

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A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the ba...

A man dies in the widow orders a wreath for the funeral

She opts for simple "Rest in Peace" writing on the ribbon but then after a while she starts thinking that it's too short. So she calls the wreath maker and orders "Please add "I'll see you in Heaven" if there is space left." Happy with herself she hangs up. Then at the funeral she sees the wreath wi...

A priest, a drunkard and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner as the priest if he wants to be face up or down when he meets he fate. The priest says he’d like to die face up looking towards heaven...

... The blade comes down and stops just before the priest’s neck. This is seen as a sign from God and the priest is set free. The drunkard is asked the same question and responds with face up hoping he’ll be saved like the priest. The blade again stops inches from the neck and the drunkard is f...

Man goes to the doctor

Man goes to the doctor for tests and the doctor comes back and says I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?

The man opts for the good news.

Doc says, “we’re naming a new disease after you”.

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Three missionaries are captured in the Amazon

Three explorers are captured by a remote tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and danc...

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2 guys get caught by jungle people

One day 2 guys are going somewhere via a dense forest. Suddenly they get surrounded by tribals.
"You have dared to cross our private territory. You must pay now. Either face the leader's punishment or face death"

Guy 1 opts for the leader's punishment.
The leader shows up: "you have t...

Trump goes to Israel

and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks “why take the most expensive solution...

A man rushes his pregnant wife into the delivery room

As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife's burden easier.

The man agr...

Three men are walking through a jungle when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The men are informed by the chief that they will be eaten, and their skins used for canoes. They are allowed to choose how they die, however. The first man opts for one of the cannibals to break his neck. The second man chooses to down a vial of cyanide. The third man, however, takes a fork from his...

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Miss. Piggy needs to go to the supermarket and so she borrows her boyfriend's car...

She gets to the supermarket but it's a Saturday, so it's quite busy. Having trouble finding a spot, she opts to park in the *Family/Disabled Parking* bays close to the store.

She only needs a few things, so she thinks that she will be quick enough that no-one will notice.

When she ret...

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A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street

A Lady Pregnant with Triplets walks down the street and while passing a store a robber comes running out and shoots her 3 times in the stomach. She is rushed off to hospital and the doctor evaluates the situation and says the babies are fine and he opts not to operate on the kids as she could lose t...

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No Name Toilet paper

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the India...

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

Obstetrician career change

An Obstetrician decides that he's sick of his job and opts to become a car mechanic. For the next several months he attends night classes at his local technical college to gain his certification. A few months before the end of the curriculum, the entire class is informed that there will be a final i...

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So this guy is having terrible headaches...

So he goes to the doctor to determine what is wrong. The doctor states that the patient has a rare condition where his testicles are pressing against the base of his spine causing the excruciating headaches.
"How do I fix it?" asks the patient.
"The only solution is castration" says the doctor...

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

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