Tempted Jokes - 45 Hilarious Tempted Jokes

A tempting offer

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00".
"How much is it for one?” I asked.
"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

I was tempted to make a violent rock pun

But some people don't like joking about basalt

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

I was really tempted to say mean things about an obese animal

But I decided not to because that would be hippo-critical.

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you?

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said:

"Its FOR-BIDEN!"

what do you call a group of crows who do something out of curiosity?

A tempted murder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two economists are walking in the park when they come across a pile of dog shit

One economist turns to the other and says, "I'll give you $500 if you eat that dog shit." Tempted by the sum, the second economist picks up the dog shit and eats it. True to his work, the first economist gives him $500 and they continue on with their walk.

After a while, the pair come across ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender walks into...

A bartender walks into a chemistry lab to drop off the yearly water sample. The lab guys are excited to have a visitor and even more since it’s a bartender. They invite him to their back room. One end is filled with huge bubbling fermentation flasks. The other is equally crammed with distillation ap...

A kiss for $100 dollars

A husband decides to make a quick run to the store, while his wife waits at home. A few minutes after he leaves the house, his guy friend shows up, hoping to speak with him.

Seeing that the husband is not home, the friend says he’ll come back later but is invited in by the wife. As the two o...

A man dies and ends up at the gates

A being shows him an elevator and explained "on the first level, you will see a woman. You can choose to get off, or continue upward"

So he goes to the first floor and sees a woman, who isn't very attractive. She says "you can choose to get off, or carry on to success"

The man continue...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Promotion

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American businessman goes to Japan for the meeting of his career.

He arrives a day early to prepare for the meeting, he tries some sushi and sake at a local restaurant. Feeling tempted to try more "local cuisine" he hires an escort for the evening. Night falls and he takes his escort up to his hotel room for some fun, he gives her all he's got and he knows she's l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Always choose success.

A man is walking down the street one day and comes across a ladder reaching to the heavens. His curiosity makes him climb it. He comes across the first cloud and laying on it is a beautiful and sexily dressed woman who gives him a choice.
"You can either take me right now or climb the ladder to ...

Temptation (Severe pun warning)

My best friend was getting married to his long time partner Edith.

Some of his friends took him to a bucks/stag night away. While at a bar he was approached by a beautiful woman who whispered in his ear.

He smiled and whispered back in her ear.

She frowned and walked away. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

God vs Satan

In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and Hell dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest checks into a hotel

So he would not be tempted to sin, the priest goes to the front desk and says "Excuse me but, I was wondering if the porn on the tv could be disabled."
The lady looks back in disgust and screams "NO YOU SICK BASTARD WE ONLY HAVE NORMAL!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

No stealing!!

So I saw a sweet little girl in the park selling cupcakes so I purchased one and as I savoured it's flavor I asked her," don't you ever get tempted to take one of them?" She looked at me in shock,"no! That would be stealing. I only lick them and put them right back."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Priest and the Rabbi.

Two men are sitting on a train, and they start talking. They soon learn that one is a Priest and the other a Rabbi.

“How long have you been a Rabbi?” The Priest asks.

“25 years next week” the Rabbi replies. “ How about you, how long have you been a Priest?”

“27 years” the Prie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to heaven...

Here's one I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been on here before. Works better if read aloud.

John finds himself in heaven after dying in a car accident. He sees nothing but a golden ladder ahead of him and a sign telling him to climb it. He begins to climb, up through a layer of clouds....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears about a magical lake…

…. where taking a bath increases penis size by an inch. He travels across the country in search of the this majestic lake when he comes across a homeless person who points towards a tall mountain and tells him the lake is on the top.

The man hastily arrives at the bottom of the mountain try...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman and her husband are at a party.

At some point, another woman pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. The pregnant woman's husband goes up to her and says : "Hey, can you not smoke in front of my wife? She's pregnant, and I don't want her to be tempted."

The pregnant woman answers : "Don't worry, honey. I never smoke when ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been offered a job as a medieval escort.

Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights.

[Source](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/31epih/what_have_you_been_most_tempted_to_do_but_never/cq0v158?context=1) (It needed a wider audience than buried in an AskReddit thread.)

A zen monk lived with his master in a cave in the mountains.

One day, the monk asked his master why he had such a long beard. "Well, I have a terrible weakness for young women. I have this long beard, and the women are disgusted by it. So they stay far away from me and I am not tempted by them."

"But master, we live in a cave in the mountains. There ar...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

A blonde goes out for a joy ride in the country..

As she's driving she looks over into the corn field and sees another blonde in a row boat trying to row across the field.

Infuriated she pulls over and yells to the blonde in the boat, "you know, it's dumb blondes like you who give us intelligent blondes a bad name! I'm half tempted to swim ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to his doctor...

He works at the local deli, and he said to his doctor, "Hey doc, I've been having this issue, I'm really tempted to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." His doctor is like, "um, no, just don't do it." He said "I'm just really, really tempted to put my dick in the pickle slicer." His doc said, "Well,...

My work colleague asked me

“Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?”

I replied, “In case I’m tempted to take a day off.”

1st snowfall

I remember a long time ago when I first experienced my first snowfall. I was so excited, I was tempted to just take off my socks and shoes and go running through the snow. But then, I got cold feet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dick

A businessman just got elected in office and plans to leave to Washington. However, he needs to keep his wife entertained while he's gone. So he went to a sex shop. He asked the clerk, "Do you have anything that will please my wife while im gone?" The clerk left and returned with a wooden box. He op...

Two girlfriends are chatting.

“Have you heard about the new husband shopping centre in town?" one asks. "It's a four-floor building where women can go to choose a husband from hundreds of eligible men. The only rule is, once you go up a floor, you can't go down, except to leave the place never to return. Let's try it out."
<...

The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, choose...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Stairs to Success

A man walks into a stairwell with a sign that says "Climb to Success". Naturally he begins climbing.

At the 25th floor he sees a beautiful brunette that says "You can get a handjob from me, or continue on to success". He refuses and resumes climbing.

At the 50th floor there is a beaut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE CLINTONS AND THE $50 HOOKER

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees him and calls out, “Fifty dollars!”
He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back, “Five!”
She's disgusted and turns away while Bill continues his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar in Manchester

He orders a drink and sits down on a barstool. He notices a large, clear, plastic box on a shelf behind the bar with £20 notes stuffed into it.

He asks the barmaid “Ey love, what’s that box there for?”. She replies “Ah, that’s the 3 part pub challenge!”

Intrigued, the man asks her to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)

He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But...

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Success

So a man was walking in a jungle when he comes across a ladder that goes up and disappears into the clouds. He gets curious and starts climbing. He comes up to the first cloud and there he finds an attractive naked woman. She says “either you can have sex with me or you can climb up to success”. But...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.