How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin...

I just read my first cooking book!

It's about thyme.

I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

I finally published my book on Mediterranean herbs

It's about thyme

When should you crush herbs?

When you need to kill some Thyme!

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

I'm not proud of this.

I want to learn to cook but who's got Thyme?

Why did the herbalist get a second job?

He had too much thyme on his hands.

I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle...

..it became herby.

Why should you always have thyme in your first aid kit?

Because thyme heals all wounds.

:D

The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

I couldn't find the right herb while cooking the other day. So I put oregano in instead...

I always try to make up for lost thyme

The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme...

It heals all wounds.

Botanocide is pretty fun,

it's great for killing thyme.

Did you hear about the politician who wants our public transportation to run on alternative fuels?

He promises to make the trains run on Thyme.

A man approached me and told me he was a chef

He asked if I had spices among other ingredients to make a nice dish so I obliged. He began mixing some of the said spices and I allowed it, thinking it was to make mixed spice, then he got one of them and poured it on the floor.

It was then I realized he was wasting my thyme.

What does Thanos use to season his food?

He uses the thyme stone

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

Whoever took my herbs last night:



You’re living on borrowed thyme

I was going to make a joke about herbs and fish...

But this is neither the plaice nor the thyme to do so.

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

I spent hours last night throwing out all my herbs.

It was such a waste of thyme.

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

Why did the chef miss his deadline?

He ran out of thyme.

I was going to add some herbs to my cooking

but I had to serve it soon and there wasn’t any thyme

Mike Tyson failed to complete his chicken dish in Celebrity Masterchef...

..he was out of thyme.

I tried to make a good cooking joke

But I ran out of thyme

What is the one thing a medical professional and an herbalist can agree on that will fix anything?

Thyme

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

I recently subscribed to a "Spice of the Month" club

The thyme has come today...

After years of searching, I finally found a great herb joke.

It's about thyme.

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation....

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

The cops picked up a couple of spices for robbing a bank. Oregano says he won’t talk,

But only Thyme will tell.






Credit to u/hawt_pawket for helping me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the frustrated cook say when he ran out of spice for a recipe?

"I don't have thyme for this shit"

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

What was the chef's excuse for missing homework?

He didn't have enough thyme

If a recipe calls for you to turn off the heat and begin mincing your herbs to add to the dish, that step would be called:

Stop. Hammer thyme.

To the person who stole my spices, I hope you’re happy...

Because you’re living on borrowed thyme.

What's the #1 rule of the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

You’ll never be good at cooking...

If you don’t put the thyme in

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

Barry Allen (the Flash) wanted to have an herb garden, but decided against it.

I mean, he really shouldn't be travelling through thyme...

Did you hear about the poor herb farmer?

He was always having to work over thyme.

I only had 5 minutes to season my Lamb before it went in the oven

It was a race agaisnt thyme

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Did you hear about the Legend of Zelda gardening sim?

You play as Link, the hero of Thyme.

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

I was thinking about doing a practical joke involving herbs

But I’m not gonna waste my thyme

How does Mary Poppins cure smelly feet?

Step in thyme.

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

I was going to continue garnishing my food

but I ran out of thyme

Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

Only thyme will tell.

There is a spice shortage...

There is a shortage of spices all around the world. One entrepreneur saw the shortage coming and stocked up. His advisor was pushing to sell it soon so that people could have all of their favorite dishes. The entrepreneur looked at his advisor and said "what's the rush? We've got all the thyme in th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Bruce Buffer invites Joe Rogan and Dana White over for dinner...

On their way to Bruce’s house, Dana says “Joe, you’re gonna fuckin’ love Bruce’s cooking. This guy is the best, he could start his own restaurant. But hey, I’ve got to warn you - *do not* ask him how he cooks the food.”

Joe agrees, but thinks to himself *Well fuck, now I really wanna know...*...

A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs.

I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

I was unlucky to be sacked as a chef for using the incorrect fish and herbs

Wrong plaice, wrong thyme

Police are searching for a fugitive chef after he killed a customer who was arguing about spices used in a dish.

They are saying it's only a matter of thyme.

I was hosting a funeral for my goldfish, and my friend thought it was okay to ask "What herbs should I season which fish with?"

I told him "Come on dude, there's a thyme and plaice."

A couple of police officers taught me a valuable lesson about grocery stores.

Apparently, employees aren’t supposed to have free thyme.

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was Mussolini a fan of spices?

Well, of course! I mean, he even made the fucking trains run on thyme

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom...

so now I cumin her every thyme.

My Dad just told me about his Simon & Garfunkel garden...

*Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme*

I've started learning to cook . . .

I thought I could make use of all the thyme on my hands.

My mom asked me to throw some herbs in our dinner...

I told her I didn’t have the thyme.

My girlfriend complained about her new bunny misbehaving

I said "just give her some thyme".

I just got a notification from Amazon about the package of spices that I ordered

The thyme has come.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.

What a waste of thyme.

What do you call a clock made of mint? (OC)

Thyme.

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

Picking herbs is an awful job...

... It's very thyme consuming.

A dystopian future

Mr. and Mrs. Thyme are two people living in a dystopian future where babies are assigned a random combination of letters and numbers for a name, such as DL-6 or UR-1. However, due to a large amount of protesters, the law has been changed so that parents can choose their own name if they run to the c...

My wife asked why the spaghetti sauce tasted odd

I told her I didn't have the thyme to make it right.

You can always tell when a chef is Russian.

They never put thyme into the dish!

You know what they say about herbal medicine...

Thyme heals all wounds.

I can't cook with spices right now...

...I just don't have the thyme.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

If you break your leg... put some herbs on it.

I mean, thyme heals all wounds.

We should move to a herb based fuel economy

We can finally make the trains run on thyme.

Why do gardeners hand out their herbs?

To pass the thyme.

A chef, a clockmaker, and a thief walk into a bar, but the bartender says he doesn't get the joke.

They all say, "It's okay, these things take thyme."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took us ages to get this joke... Want to have a go?

So the theme for my [House Warming Party](http://i.imgur.com/TaE9k.jpg) was "Puns" and everyone came dressed as a pun. I sewed boxes of smarties to my pants (hardy har har). [This guy](http://imgur.com/a/yWeqt#0) arguably had the hardest one to guess. Those are sprigs of thyme. They're in white ...

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

Two friends are looking for their car key.

Nick and Nick had been friends since childhood. The first Nick had lived in his hometown, Thyme, and the second lived in New York. They were visiting Nick from New York's family for Christmas, and had a plane to catch in 3 hours, and they were desperate to try and find it. After 2 grueling hours of ...

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