The 85+ Best Thyme Jokes

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My publisher just rang

Apparently my book “Sex with herbs” is finally being printed and will be in the shops soon.
It’s about fucking thyme

Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

Only thyme will tell.

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated. I used it anyways.

You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.

When I pick thyme from my garden, I like to concentrate on the really small leaves.

Because, you know, I'm just not ready for the big thyme.

There’s a market called Fresh Thyme so I went in for some fresh thyme but they were out. I told them they should change the name to Fresh Out. I went to a Staples for some staples-you guessed it: out. I said they should change the name to Paper Clips.

Being a little hungry still I headed for...the Apple Store.

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

I keep my herbs in alphabetical order

People ask me how I find the thyme. It's easy. It's right next to the Sage

What's the #1 rule of the spice trade?

Thyme is money.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle...

..it became herby.

Why should you always have thyme in your first aid kit?

Because thyme heals all wounds.

:D

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

If you've spent ages figuring out how to hang herbs and spices off your belt...

You've probably waisted thyme.

What do you call a spice vendor who refuses to wash his hands?

Someone with too much thyme on his hands.

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

Lately I have been really busy and it's interfering with my hobby of collecting all of the different types of spices...

...I just don't have the thyme.

I Hate Throwing Herbs Away

It’s such a waste of thyme.

I switched the labels on all my wife’s spices.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

Did I ever tell you the joke about my favorite garden herb?

No? Well, it’s about thyme!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack ?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes

How does Jimmy season his world before eating it?

It just takes some thyme

I was going to continue garnishing my food

but I ran out of thyme

What was the lazy chef’s biggest problem?

He always had too much thyme on his hands.

I threw away spices one grain at a time.

It was a waste of thyme.

My brother and I got so bored, we started throwing spice jars at each other.

Then the thyme really flew.

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

Why was the chef mad?

He had all the money in the world, but no thyme.

Out of all of Aesop's Fables, my favorite is the one about the herbs

It's a thyme-less tale that ends with some really sage advice.

Growing herbs can be very profitable

After all, thyme is money

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

I want to tell you a joke about some herbs and fish

But this is neither the thyme or the plaice

I've always wanted to make a joke about a herb. I will put it off no longer!

It is about thyme....

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took us ages to get this joke... Want to have a go?

So the theme for my [House Warming Party](http://i.imgur.com/TaE9k.jpg) was "Puns" and everyone came dressed as a pun. I sewed boxes of smarties to my pants (hardy har har). [This guy](http://imgur.com/a/yWeqt#0) arguably had the hardest one to guess. Those are sprigs of thyme. They're in white ...

There is a spice shortage...

There is a shortage of spices all around the world. One entrepreneur saw the shortage coming and stocked up. His advisor was pushing to sell it soon so that people could have all of their favorite dishes. The entrepreneur looked at his advisor and said "what's the rush? We've got all the thyme in th...

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a shit recipe with all the herbs and spices i know

Anyways it was a waste of thyme

Did you guys hear about the shipment of spices that fell into the ocean??

Huge waste of thyme.

I was bored so I made a robot to distribute herbs

It helped pass the thyme

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.

They looked good, so I figured I would make them. The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. I made it with the...

What does Enya season her Roast Potatoes with?

Only Thyme

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

Did you see the movie about the dinosaurs that couldn’t find the herbs?

It was the land before thyme.

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

I just lost my farmhand job...

I was told it was because of my poor thyme management.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

What’s Bruce Buffer’s favourite herb?

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s THYME

My local soup kitchen is looking for volunteers for their next Pasta Dinner..

I'll check my colander and set aside some thyme for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom...

so now I cumin her every thyme.

In continuing attempts to reduce the worlds CO2 emissions, top scientists have found a way to make cars run on Parsley...

A spokesperson for the group has stated that they are now doubling their efforts to make trains run on Thyme.

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

Why is it called Sesame Street?

They couldn't call it Thyme Square.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some worrying news for grammar Nazis, a new study shows...

that homophone misuse is at an awl thyme hi.

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes to therapy

A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.

The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?

The husband quickly try to explain.

So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My...

What's the secret ingredient in Bruce Buffer's spaghetti sauce?

iiiiiiit's Thyme!!!

What did the dying chef say to his assistant?

I’m running out of thyme.

Did you hear Gordon Ramsay wrote a book about herbs?

It’s about thyme!

Too Much

My friend filled an entire swimming pool up with herbs.

He had a lot of thyme on his hands.

A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen

Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect meal
Son: are you really sure I'm ready
Dad: yes son, it's thyme

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas?

It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is going to kill me for ejaculating onto the spice rack

My thyme has cum

The wise spice trader was known for his sage advice

He was less sought after for his oregano guidance, his thyme tips, and his rosemary consultations.

A man walks into a grocery store with a gunshot wound.

The grocer asks him if he needs a doctor.

The man says he just wants to know where the spice isle is.

Confused the grocer asks why and the man replies “Because thyme heals all wounds.”

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

I tried my best to make a complete herb garden

But I just couldn't find the thyme.

I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation.

I'm running out of thyme!

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

How do plants stay in touch?

FaceThyme

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

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