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Thyme Jokes

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains.....

....maybe ours will now run on Thyme.

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated. I used it anyways.

You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

What do you call a spice vendor who refuses to wash his hands?

Someone with too much thyme on his hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy that got fired from the Herb Farm for defecating in the field?

Yeah, he got caught shittin' on company thyme.

How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

What do you get when you cross a herbalist and a watchmaker?

A thyme keeper.

Will I find the right spice to use for my dish?

Only thyme will tell.

I Hate Throwing Herbs Away

It’s such a waste of thyme.

Did I ever tell you the joke about my favorite garden herb?

No? Well, it’s about thyme!

Why should you always have thyme in your first aid kit?

Because thyme heals all wounds.

:D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My publisher just rang

Apparently my book “Sex with herbs” is finally being printed and will be in the shops soon.
It’s about fucking thyme

How does Jimmy season his world before eating it?

It just takes some thyme

If you've spent ages figuring out how to hang herbs and spices off your belt...

You've probably waisted thyme.

I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle...

..it became herby.

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.

They looked good, so I figured I would make them. The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. I made it with the...

After years I finally finished my book on herbology!

It was about thyme!

My brother and I got so bored, we started throwing spice jars at each other.

Then the thyme really flew.

My wife says I get way too overexcited when I cook and that I always end up using too many herbs in my dishes.

So she told me to take a thyme out.

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

I keep my herbs in alphabetical order

People ask me how I find the thyme. It's easy. It's right next to the Sage

The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme...

It heals all wounds.

I switched the labels on all my wife's spices.

I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Out of all of Aesop's Fables, my favorite is the one about the herbs

It's a thyme-less tale that ends with some really sage advice.

Growing herbs can be very profitable

After all, thyme is money

I really need to plant some herbs of my own as soon as possible.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

I've always wanted to make a joke about a herb. I will put it off no longer!

It is about thyme....

I want to tell you a joke about some herbs and fish

But this is neither the thyme or the plaice

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

Did you guys hear about the shipment of spices that fell into the ocean??

Huge waste of thyme.

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I made a shit recipe with all the herbs and spices i know

Anyways it was a waste of thyme

I was bored so I made a robot to distribute herbs

It helped pass the thyme

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish...

I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

What does Enya season her Roast Potatoes with?

Only Thyme

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

Did you see the movie about the dinosaurs that couldn’t find the herbs?

It was the land before thyme.

A dystopian future

Mr. and Mrs. Thyme are two people living in a dystopian future where babies are assigned a random combination of letters and numbers for a name, such as DL-6 or UR-1. However, due to a large amount of protesters, the law has been changed so that parents can choose their own name if they run to the c...

What’s Bruce Buffer’s favourite herb?

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s THYME

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

I’ve always wondered why my local grocery store has trouble keeping the herbs stocked.

I guess there’s just never enough thyme.

There is a spice shortage...

There is a shortage of spices all around the world. One entrepreneur saw the shortage coming and stocked up. His advisor was pushing to sell it soon so that people could have all of their favorite dishes. The entrepreneur looked at his advisor and said "what's the rush? We've got all the thyme in th...

The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom...

so now I cumin her every thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

I just lost my farmhand job...

I was told it was because of my poor thyme management.

Why is it called Sesame Street?

They couldn't call it Thyme Square.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some worrying news for grammar Nazis, a new study shows...

that homophone misuse is at an awl thyme hi.

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

My local soup kitchen is looking for volunteers for their next Pasta Dinner..

I'll check my colander and set aside some thyme for it.

Why was the chef mad?

He had all the money in the world, but no thyme.

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme

Why was the herbal railway a big success?

All the trains ran on thyme.

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

What's the secret ingredient in Bruce Buffer's spaghetti sauce?

iiiiiiit's Thyme!!!

In continuing attempts to reduce the worlds CO2 emissions, top scientists have found a way to make cars run on Parsley...

A spokesperson for the group has stated that they are now doubling their efforts to make trains run on Thyme.

What did the dying chef say to his assistant?

I’m running out of thyme.

Have you noticed that some herbs taste much better at Christmas?

It's the most wonderful thyme of the year.

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is going to kill me for ejaculating onto the spice rack

My thyme has cum

What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme

Too Much

My friend filled an entire swimming pool up with herbs.



He had a lot of thyme on his hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m late for work I just masturbate near the herb rack

That way I always come on thyme.

The wise spice trader was known for his sage advice

He was less sought after for his oregano guidance, his thyme tips, and his rosemary consultations.

A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen

Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect meal
Son: are you really sure I'm ready
Dad: yes son, it's thyme

"Better late than never."

Chefs disagree when it comes to cooking with thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took us ages to get this joke... Want to have a go?

So the theme for my [House Warming Party](http://i.imgur.com/TaE9k.jpg) was "Puns" and everyone came dressed as a pun. I sewed boxes of smarties to my pants (hardy har har). [This guy](http://imgur.com/a/yWeqt#0) arguably had the hardest one to guess. Those are sprigs of thyme. They're in white ...

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

A man walks into a grocery store with a gunshot wound.

The grocer asks him if he needs a doctor.

The man says he just wants to know where the spice isle is.

Confused the grocer asks why and the man replies “Because thyme heals all wounds.”

My wife told me we need to go shopping, we are low on spices

It is The End of Thyme .

Did you hear what happened to the Italian chef? He pasta way.

Looks like he ran out of thyme

After years of searching, I finally found a great herb joke.

It's about thyme.

How long does it take to grow a herb garden?

A lot of thyme

I forgot I marinated the beef 3 days ago.

I think I put more thyme in it than I should.

I hope I can save my herb garden from this infestation.

I'm running out of thyme!

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

I have been secretly messing with people's spice racks...

You might not know it, but your thyme is cumin.

I had to fire my cook today

He was a thyme waster.

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

This drought has really killed my spice farm

I don't have the thyme to harvest.

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

I swapped all the labels around on my wife's spice rack.

She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Why did Bob put up a lightbulb next to the kitchen clock?

Because he couldn't find the thyme


.


I'll see myself out

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

I just found an amazing way to grow herbs!

It may take some thyme, though...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes to therapy

A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.

The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?

The husband quickly try to explain.

So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My...

The cops broke down the door and asked Rosemary about the kidnapping

She claimed that she didn't have the Thyme

That spice mix took too long to make

It was a waste of my thyme

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