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Octopus Jokes

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same?

Itenticle.

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Man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."

People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
...

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

Why would an octopus make a good football player?

Because it would have ten tackles

A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says “A hundred bucks says my octopus can play any instrument you give it!”

One man hands him an acoustic guitar. The octopus fiddles with the strings a bit, then strums out a rendition of Wonderwall.

A woman from the back hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus fiddles with the va...

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...

Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat: you're one short pal

An octopus slinks into a dark room with a gun in each arm.

He hears a soft chuckle coming from the corner. “You’re one short, my friend,” says the cat as he steps into view.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?

An amputee.

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever h...

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play th...

Why did the knight wear an octopus jacket?

It was his coat of arms

I had a pet octopus...

... named Septimus.

It was missing a leg.

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An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

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Magical Octopus

There was once a Man who traveled with the local fair, portraying his Magical Octopus. One fair a little boy cam up and said "how is he magical?" the man replied with " he can sing and play any instrument" so the little boy handed over his harmonica to the octopus. The octopus glanced at it, picked ...

What did the Male octopus say to the female octopus?

May I hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand?

What is the plural of octopus?

Octoplus

Octopus dinner

I recently went to a sea food restaurant and I had a look at the menu , I said to the Waiter
“ excuse me can I have the octopus please “

No problem sir “ he replied

But there is an issue “ he said

And what’s that then ??

He said
“ you can have it but it takes 4 ...

What do you call an orgy with 8 women?

Octopus.

How does a Octopus go to war?

Well armed

Dad and son octopus crossing the road, dad said to his son:

gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand. (Courtesy of my 1st grader).

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

Which is the octopus' favorite card?

3 of hearts.

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Ordering octopus at a restaurant

A man goes into a restaurant and he orders octopus from the seafood menu. The waiter says that's all right, but he has to warn the guest, it takes four hours to prepare.

"Why does it take so long to prepare octopus? Is it hard to cook?"
"Not really, but the octopuses keep turning down the ...

What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus?

I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

A recruiter asks an octopus if he wants to join the Army

The octopus says no thanks I’m army enough as it is.

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

...he sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 this octopus can play any instrument you have."
The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner. After the octopus sits down and plays a few bars the man asks the bartended to pay up.
"Hold on" says t...

Octopus

Last Friday night I took my date out to a seafood restaurant

As we set down We began looking for some thing nice to eat

When the waiter came over after 10 minutes he asked us if we was ready to order

We said “” yes we will both have the octopus if that s ok “”

Octopus “...

So the girl octopus married the boy octopus

And they walked down the aisle hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand

what is an cannibal octopus' favorite salad

octopus salad. kind of obvious.

How much does an unwell octopus cost?

Sick Squid.

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He goes up to the bartender and puts the octopus on the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 that this octopus can play any instrument in the bar."

The bartender points to a piano in the corner and says, "Alright, let's hear it." So, the man puts the octopus in front of the pi...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus

The bartender, upon seeing the octopus, says "hey hey hey I run a respectable establishment here, no cephalopods allowed!"

The owner of the octopus says "no, wait, this is the most amazing octopus in the world, it can play any musical instrument known to man."

As fate would have it, th...

What does the boss octopus say before work?

Let’s get kraken.

They found a transparent octopus.

I guess you can say the little guy really knows how to clear his mind!

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The Musical Octopus

A guy walks into a bar carrying a bucket.

Bartender ask's "what's in the bucket"?

Guy say " it's my octopus and he plays musical instruments ".

Bartender says " bullshit "

Guys says " I bet you free drinks, he will play whatever you got "

Bartender says " fine, her...

What do you call an octopus which is missing 4 and 6/7 legs?

An octo-pi

What game do octopuses play at Hogwarts?

Squiddich

What's the formula for octopus circumference?

octopi*r2


Of course it should really be octopods*r2

What's the difference between a man and an octopus?

Octopus: eight tentacles, each its own neural structure that offloads work from the brain

Human Male: one tentacle which controls brain

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Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

What did the octopus eat for dessert

Octo-pie

What trophy do octopuses win as the grand prize in the cephalopod racing tournament?

The Suction Cup

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An octopus walks into a bar with a set of bagpipes.

The barman asks, “what are you going to do with those?”

The octopus replies, “well, once I get its pyjamas off, I’m gonna fuck it”

An octopus went off to war

It's a good thing that he was well-armed.

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An octopus is in a bar and says he's a great musician.

An Englishman points to the piano and says, "Let's see."
The octopus plays Mozart flawlessly.
An American hands him a guitar and says, "try this."
The octopus plays Hendrix perfectly.
An Irishman hands him bagpipes and says, "how about these, lad?"
The octopus fumbles around with ...

If octopuses have twins.

Does that make them "i-tentical"

What do you call an affectionate octopus?

A cuddle fish

Why does an octopus make a great drill sergeant?

Because it’s arm-y.

I just learned that an octopus’s brain is wrapped around it’s oesophagus.

That’s food for thought.

I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus...

I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus.


The waiter said: "It takes four hours."


I asked why?


He said: "It keeps turning off the gas!"

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

Why didn't the octopus fight the shark?

Because he was spineless

What do humans and octopuses have in common?

Two sets of forearms

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A drunk walks into a bar holding and octopus.

Drunk walks up to the bartender, places his octopus on the bar next to him and says, I’ll bet you this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him he’ll play it. Drinks free for me all night if I win. Bartender agrees; he hands the octopus a guitar, and he starts playing the gui...

How does an octopus propose?

"I'd like to ask for your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand."

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A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $100 that no one here has a musical instrument that my octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old lute.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing Toss a ...

What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?

An octobrave.



I'm sorry.

Do you guys remember Paul the Octopus?

The one who predicted Spain winning the World Cup some years ago?

Well, a friend of mine told me that if you get hit in the face with the ink of an octopus from there, you can see your future self and predict the future.

I called him out on it at first, but curiosity got the best of me...

What did the octopus receive from the chiropractor?

A back kraken.

(My favorite joke for my 2 year old daughter) What's the difference between an octopus and a squid?

A squid has TEN-TICKLES!
(Proceeds to tickle her and go "EEEEE!")

Sorry if this is a repost

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

What do you call a mother f♡<king octopus?

Oedipus

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Man walks into a bar with an Octopus

He puts the octopus on the bar and declares to everyone in the pub ‘£50 says this octopus can play any instrument’. First man steps up and places a trumpet in front of the Octopus, it immediately picks it up and plays it like Dizzy Gillespie. ‘That’s amazing’ says the man and duly pays his £50. Seco...

Why are octopuses so dangerous?

They're heavily armed.

Why did the octopus cross the reef?

To get to the other tide.

Ha.ha.ha. I'm heading out now.

What do u get when u cross a mexican with a octopus?

Best damn apple picker you've ever seen.

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A guy and his pet octopus walk into a bar...

Once inside the guy proclaims that his pet octopus can play ANY instrument to perfection and begins taking $100 bets. The first patron approaches with a guitar. "Let's see him play this!" The octopus grabs the guitar and starts jamming out like Jimi Hendrix. Another patron approaches with a trumpet....

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus…...

…. and bets anyone in the bar $5 that his octopus can play the hell out of any instrument they bring. The first person to accept brings a guitar, the octopus studies the guitar for bit then proceeds to play the best guitar solo ever and the guy loses his $5. The next taker brings some drums, again t...

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What did the octopus say to the bagpipes?

Nice pajamas. Wanna fuck?

What did the doctor say to the obese octopus?

You need to go on a low-crab diet.

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

He tells the bartender “I bet you a night of free drinks that my octopus can play any instrument you give it.” Bartender says “you’re on,” and goes into the back. He comes back with a flute, and tosses it at the octopus. It takes the octopus a second but he starts playing the flute. Bartender frown...

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A man walks into a bar and finds an octopus sitting on a stool...

The bartender tells the man "This octopus is really special. You can give it any instrument and it will play it better than any human ever has."

So the guy needs to test this out. Luckily the bar keeps some instruments on hand for just that purpose. The man grabs a guitar and brings it to the...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

Why everyone at the school is afraid of the octopus?

He is armed

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