A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.


He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.


So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

A recruiter asks an octopus if he wants to join the Army

The octopus says no thanks I’m army enough as it is.

Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat: you're one short pal

What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Babboon?

A stern rebuke from the ethics committee and a cessation of research funding.

Ordering octopus at a restaurant

A man goes into a restaurant and he orders octopus from the seafood menu. The waiter says that's all right, but he has to warn the guest, it takes four hours to prepare.

"Why does it take so long to prepare octopus? Is it hard to cook?"
"Not really, but the octopuses keep turning down the ...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

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A drunk walks into a bar holding and octopus.

Drunk walks up to the bartender, places his octopus on the bar next to him and says, I’ll bet you this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him he’ll play it. Drinks free for me all night if I win. Bartender agrees; he hands the octopus a guitar, and he starts playing the gui...

How did the octopus tickle a man ten times?

With it's tentacles.

Why does an octopus make a great drill sergeant?

Because it’s arm-y.

I heard on the news that the police were looking for a runaway octopus

They said he was armed and dangerous

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An octopus walks into a bar with a set of bagpipes.

The barman asks, “what are you going to do with those?”

The octopus replies, “well, once I get its pyjamas off, I’m gonna fuck it”

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Bar joke

Man walks into a bar with an octopus, bartender asks him to leave, man says "this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument in the world", bartender says "if thats true not only can you stay but your drinks are free". Man sits down and the bartender passes a flute, sure enough the octopus ...

An octopus politician offered to pay my debts if I voted for him.

I guess it's squid pro quo

Unexpected

She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?

He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.

Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken.

Why did the kid get creeped out when he was with his uncle playing with an octopus?

Because he expected 8 but he got ten-tickles

what do you call a chilled out octopus?

a calmares.

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever h...

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

What do humans and octopuses have in common?

Two sets of forearms

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

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God creating critters

Angel: *Hey God, you gotta minute?*

God: *What's Zzzupp bobby, my compadre!*

Angel: *Its Jose, but whatever, can we go over your most recent animal submission*

God: *Yeah, but hurry, Fox 911 is about to come on*

Angel: *Ummm ok, 8 legs, mysterious, can be poisonous, eats ...

What did the octopus receive from the chiropractor?

A back kraken.

I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus...

I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus.


The waiter said: "It takes four hours."


I asked why?


He said: "It keeps turning off the gas!"

[NSFW] What do you get by pelting an octopus?

Two 4skins

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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfound...

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

What do you call an affectionate octopus?

A cuddle fish

What game do octopuses play at Hogwarts?

Squiddich

What did the doctor say to the obese octopus?

You need to go on a low-crab diet.

How did the octopuses win the football match?

Ten tackles

What did the octopus eat for dessert

Octo-pie

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

A man meets his friend.

He says to him: "You won't believe what I saw today!"
,,What?" replies his friend.
" I saw twin octopuses".
"How do you know they were twins" his friend wonders.
The man replies:" Well they were a tentacle".

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

He tells the bartender “I bet you a night of free drinks that my octopus can play any instrument you give it.” Bartender says “you’re on,” and goes into the back. He comes back with a flute, and tosses it at the octopus. It takes the octopus a second but he starts playing the flute. Bartender frown...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

He sits at the bar and orders his drink and the bartender brings it to him.

While hes sipping on his drink the bartender says, “hey, mac, i gotta ask...whats with the octopus?”

The man says, “oh this? This is no ordinary octopus, this is a musical genius octopus!”

Skeptical, th...

What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus?

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because he was well armed

why was the mexican octopus angry at the shark

because he ate his tentacos

So all the animals gathered and having a party,

Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time,
suddenly a chameleon get to the middle of the room, say "check this out" and start changing color of his skin for a minute straight.
Once he done he say "Lets see any of you do the same".
Suddenly octopus appear from the crowd and sa...

Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play th...

Why everyone at the school is afraid of the octopus?

He is armed

Why do American Octopuses get arrested when they travel abroad?

Because they are heavily armed.

What do you call octopus twins that look exactly alike?

Itenticle

What do you get when you combine an octopus and a bear?

You get a Frenchman pronouncing October

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Man walks into a bar with an Octopus

He puts the octopus on the bar and declares to everyone in the pub ‘£50 says this octopus can play any instrument’. First man steps up and places a trumpet in front of the Octopus, it immediately picks it up and plays it like Dizzy Gillespie. ‘That’s amazing’ says the man and duly pays his £50. Seco...

What's the formula for octopus circumference?

octopi*r2


Of course it should really be octopods*r2

Do you guys remember Paul the Octopus?

The one who predicted Spain winning the World Cup some years ago?

Well, a friend of mine told me that if you get hit in the face with the ink of an octopus from there, you can see your future self and predict the future.

I called him out on it at first, but curiosity got the best of me...

How does an octopus propose?

"I'd like to ask for your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand."

What do you call a mother f♡<king octopus?

Oedipus

What did the octopus say when he found out his wife had 10 tentacles?

You've got to be squidding me! (I spent a whole day making that up for my wife)

What do you call an octopus without any legs

An octopus cause they have tentacles not legs

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A guy and his pet octopus walk into a bar...

Once inside the guy proclaims that his pet octopus can play ANY instrument to perfection and begins taking $100 bets. The first patron approaches with a guitar. "Let's see him play this!" The octopus grabs the guitar and starts jamming out like Jimi Hendrix. Another patron approaches with a trumpet....

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What did the octopus say to the bagpipes?

Nice pajamas. Wanna fuck?

What type of keyboard does an octopus use?

SQWERTY

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

Another guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

Barman says "what's with this octopus?"

"This is the sick squid I owe you." Says the guy.

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A man walks into a bar and finds an octopus sitting on a stool...

The bartender tells the man "This octopus is really special. You can give it any instrument and it will play it better than any human ever has."

So the guy needs to test this out. Luckily the bar keeps some instruments on hand for just that purpose. The man grabs a guitar and brings it to the...

Octopus 1: "What should I do if I can't swim?"

Octopus 2: "Use ink if you can't float"

An octopus went off to war

It's a good thing that he was well-armed.

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He goes up to the bartender and puts the octopus on the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 that this octopus can play any instrument in the bar."

The bartender points to a piano in the corner and says, "Alright, let's hear it." So, the man puts the octopus in front of the pi...

What's the difference between a man and an octopus?

Octopus: eight tentacles, each its own neural structure that offloads work from the brain

Human Male: one tentacle which controls brain

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?

I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...




Courtesy of my dad when I was 5.

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

If octopuses have twins.

Does that make them "i-tentical"

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

...he sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 this octopus can play any instrument you have."
The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner. After the octopus sits down and plays a few bars the man asks the bartended to pay up.
"Hold on" says t...

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

What do u get when u cross a mexican with a octopus?

Best damn apple picker you've ever seen.

What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?

An octobrave.



I'm sorry.

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An octopus is in a bar and says he's a great musician.

An Englishman points to the piano and says, "Let's see."
The octopus plays Mozart flawlessly.
An American hands him a guitar and says, "try this."
The octopus plays Hendrix perfectly.
An Irishman hands him bagpipes and says, "how about these, lad?"
The octopus fumbles around with ...

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

What do you call an octopus with no tentacles?

Bob

Courtesy of my dad last night at dinner 😂

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