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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

why did the octopus defeat the shark?

because it was well armed.

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

He tells the bartender “I bet you a night of free drinks that my octopus can play any instrument you give it.” Bartender says “you’re on,” and goes into the back. He comes back with a flute, and tosses it at the octopus. It takes the octopus a second but he starts playing the flute. Bartender frown...

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.

What did the doctor say to the obese octopus?

You need to go on a low-crab diet.

What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus?

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

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What do you get if you cross an octopus with my ex wife?

A 5-legged slut.

why was the mexican octopus angry at the shark

because he ate his tentacos

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever h...

I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus...

I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus.


The waiter said: "It takes four hours."


I asked why?


He said: "It keeps turning off the gas!"

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten Tickles

I had to break up with my octopus girlfriend...

She was too clingy

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that t...

What do you call octopus twins that look exactly alike?

Itenticle

What do you call an affectionate octopus?

A cuddle fish

Do you guys remember Paul the Octopus?

The one who predicted Spain winning the World Cup some years ago?

Well, a friend of mine told me that if you get hit in the face with the ink of an octopus from there, you can see your future self and predict the future.

I called him out on it at first, but curiosity got the best of me...

Did you hear about the octopus who got bad grades?

His parents were up in arms over it.

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus...

and bets anyone in the bar $100 if they have a musical instrument his octopus can’t play he’ll pay them $10,000. A man immediately hops up with a harmonica, confident he had won the money. But the octopus shows expert skill with the harmonica, receiving a round of applause from the other patrons. An...

What's the formula for octopus circumference?

octopi*r2


Of course it should really be octopods*r2

What do you get when you combine an octopus and a bear?

You get a Frenchman pronouncing October

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Man walks into a bar with an Octopus

He puts the octopus on the bar and declares to everyone in the pub ‘£50 says this octopus can play any instrument’. First man steps up and places a trumpet in front of the Octopus, it immediately picks it up and plays it like Dizzy Gillespie. ‘That’s amazing’ says the man and duly pays his £50. Seco...

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An octopus walks into a bar [NSFW]

An octopus walks into a bar and the bartender immediately turns to him and says “Hey buddy, we don’t serve your kind here! You have to leave!” The octopus, feeling disrespected, retorts. “Well why not? I can do anything any of you can do!”

The bartender looks at him, discontent. “Really? Well...

How does an octopus propose?

"I'd like to ask for your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand."

What type of keyboard does an octopus use?

SQWERTY

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What did the octopus say to the bagpipes?

Nice pajamas. Wanna fuck?

Another guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

Barman says "what's with this octopus?"

"This is the sick squid I owe you." Says the guy.

Q: How does an octopus go to war?

​

A: Well-armed

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

What do you get when you cross a baby with an octopus?

An angry letter from the ethics committee and immediate cessation of all funding.

(The joke about the man and the egg reminded me of this).

What do you call an octopus without any legs

An octopus cause they have tentacles not legs

What do you call a mother f♡<king octopus?

Oedipus

A lion and a tiger make a liger, a whale and dolphin a wolphin, a squid and octopus a scquoctopus. What would a five-year old and a horse be?

Definitely illegal.

Octopus 1: "What should I do if I can't swim?"

Octopus 2: "Use ink if you can't float"

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend at the Beatles concert?

I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...




Courtesy of my dad when I was 5.

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

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A guy and his pet octopus walk into a bar...

Once inside the guy proclaims that his pet octopus can play ANY instrument to perfection and begins taking $100 bets. The first patron approaches with a guitar. "Let's see him play this!" The octopus grabs the guitar and starts jamming out like Jimi Hendrix. Another patron approaches with a trumpet....

What do you call a group of 8 cats?

Octopus

What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?

A crabomination

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

What did the octopus say when he found out his wife had 10 tentacles?

You've got to be squidding me! (I spent a whole day making that up for my wife)

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A guy walks into a bar carrying an octopus

The bartender says the the guy "we can't have that octopus in here".

The guys responds, saying "but this is a special octopus - he can play any musical instrument you tell him to"

So the bartender points to the piano and says "get him to play the piano then... and I'll give you a free ...

What do u get when u cross a mexican with a octopus?

Best damn apple picker you've ever seen.

What did the octopus say when the fisherman cut off its tenticles?

See ya later suckers!

An octopus was killed in a shootout last week

Police say he was heavily armed

What's the difference between a man and an octopus?

Octopus: eight tentacles, each its own neural structure that offloads work from the brain

Human Male: one tentacle which controls brain

Why did the octopus cross the reef?

To get to the other tide.

Ha.ha.ha. I'm heading out now.

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A man walks into a bar and finds an octopus sitting on a stool...

The bartender tells the man "This octopus is really special. You can give it any instrument and it will play it better than any human ever has."

So the guy needs to test this out. Luckily the bar keeps some instruments on hand for just that purpose. The man grabs a guitar and brings it to the...

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A Mexican went into a Japanese restaurant and ordered but only to be disappointed when he was served with a live Octopus slammed in his plate.

He asked for a taco.

What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?

An octobrave.



I'm sorry.

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An octopus is in a bar and says he's a great musician.

An Englishman points to the piano and says, "Let's see."
The octopus plays Mozart flawlessly.
An American hands him a guitar and says, "try this."
The octopus plays Hendrix perfectly.
An Irishman hands him bagpipes and says, "how about these, lad?"
The octopus fumbles around with ...

What do you call an octopus with no tentacles?

Bob

Courtesy of my dad last night at dinner 😂

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When a male Octopus finds a mate

When a male Octopus finds a mate, he rips off his penis and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new penis.
If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone "Go fuck yourself" I don't know what is!

What do you get when you mix a Mexican, and a octopus?

I don't know either but could you imagine that thing picking apples?!

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He goes up to the bartender and puts the octopus on the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 that this octopus can play any instrument in the bar."

The bartender points to a piano in the corner and says, "Alright, let's hear it." So, the man puts the octopus in front of the pi...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus…...

…. and bets anyone in the bar $5 that his octopus can play the hell out of any instrument they bring. The first person to accept brings a guitar, the octopus studies the guitar for bit then proceeds to play the best guitar solo ever and the guy loses his $5. The next taker brings some drums, again t...

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A guy walks into a jazz bar with an octopus on his shoulder.

He orders a couple of beers, and after a few moments the bartender, head cocked, says, "Buddy, I don't mean to be coarse, but what's with the octopus?"

"This octopus?" the guy begins, thumbing at his octopodine companion, "Oh this guy is a musical virtuoso. He'd play any instrument you have h...

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The Musical Octopus

A guy walks into a bar carrying a bucket.

Bartender ask's "what's in the bucket"?

Guy say " it's my octopus and he plays musical instruments ".

Bartender says " bullshit "

Guys says " I bet you free drinks, he will play whatever you got "

Bartender says " fine, her...

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

What do you call an octopus that wears footwear?

A Socktopus

A new class of octopus has been discovered that cooks it's food.

It's the only Chefalopod found so far.

Did you hear about the octopus who works as a therapist? (nsfw)

He studied at Harvard medical school, graduated top of his class in behavioral psychology, and received his PHD with honours. The octopus has published many papers, and receives referrals from other doctors for patients suffering from depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. He is also highly rega...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He sets the octopus down on the bar with $500 and says "this octopus can play any instrument put in front of him. If you don't believe me put $100 on the table, and bring him any instrument, if he can't play it you can keep all the money that's been put down." Naturally, several patrons come up with...

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