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Two aliens are flying near earth~ The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons." The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

My Boss calls me ‘the computer’

Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown ?

Artificial intelligence

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

I wanted to get a job that doesn’t require too much intelligence

So I decided to run for the President of the United States

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

Is this allowed here?

Stephen Colbert: “Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?”

Ricky Gervais: “I’d love for any intelligence to take over.”

A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence

She explains what intelligence is and then

Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called stupid. Now how many of you think of yourselves as stupid, stand up.

She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.

Teacher: Do...

What do you call a Marine wearing an Air Force uniform?

Artificial intelligence

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

A Father's Intelligence

A boy walks up to his father and asks, "Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from?"

After a minute the dad replies, "Must be from your mother because I still have mine"

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

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2 drunk guys are walking home

Two drunk guys, John and Adam were walking hime from a long day at the pub. The two spot a pile of cow shit in front of them.

John says, "Is that a pile of cow shit?"

Adam says, "That's just a pile of mud, idiot. Want me to prove it to you?"

John agrees, and Adam goes over to th...

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Do you consider yourself a smart man?

In Ancient Greece, they believed that large penises were symbols of barbarism and idiocy, and small penises were symbols of intelligence and prowess.

See, my wife thinks I’m a massive idiot, but I’m sure you’re a very smart man

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A girl asked me to rate her ass. Instead, I rated her intelligence.

I rated her ass a 9.

A conversation in the train compartment of a speedtrain

"What are you chewing on all the time?"

"Apple cores."

"And what's that good for?"

"It promotes intelligence."

"I see, can you give me four of those, too?"

"Gladly. Four pieces cost eight Dollars."

The passenger pays and gets the kernels.

After chewin...

I bought several books on how to overcome artificial intelligence.

I saw them advertised on my Facebook.

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

I heard Joe Biden was gonna get the same intelligence briefing Trump gets everyday for the first time tomorrow.

Does the coloring book come with crayons?

My country is a world leader in counter-intelligence.

Also in counter-science.

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

What's the difference between wisdom and intelligence

Intelligence knows that due to a double negative you can screw with the Wu-Tang Clan.
Wisdom knows the Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothing to mess with

What do you call a sentient robot pirate?

Aaarrgh-tificial intelligence, me matey!

Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman.

Because if she doesn’t have THAT, I may just have a chance.

I have average intelligence

Everyone else is stupid

The job interviewer asked me: "Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?"

I said, "I'd rather trade intelligence for intelligence."

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

Difference Between Stupidity and Intelligence?

Intelligence has limits.

To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

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I'm sapiosexual, I find intelligence attractive.

I guess you could say I come to a lot of conclusions.

I've heard that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Donald Trump goes to an elementary school to show off his intelligence and success.

The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.

Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:

“What would be a tragedy, kids?”

A bespect...

Today I learned about the links between high intelligence and depression

I just wish it made me feel better....

Strength vs. Intelligence

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet ...

Microsoft Works has been dethroned as the best oxymoron by...

russian intelligence

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

What's Canada's intelligence agency called?

The C.I. Eh

Intelligence is like an underwear.

It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'


The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

4 People On A Plane

A politician, a teacher, a student and the pilot himself, were all flying in a plane.

Sometime later, the pilot made an announcement that both engines on the plane had failed and the only option was to jump out of the plane.

He further told them that there were only three parachute b...

"All the women that want to go on a date with me are such robots," I told my brother.

"You're wrong," he said, "all the women that want to go on a date with you are the opposite of robots."

"What? How?"

"One's artificial intelligence and the other is genuine stupidity."

How to find a woman

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Intelligence is the first thing I look for in a woman," he tells the bartender. "Because if she doesn't have that I just might have a chance."

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," the lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand.

"If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

It turns out, Dolphins intelligence is second only to man.

This means women drop to third place.

"Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence "

I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence?

Alexus.

Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?

Because they're never wrong

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

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if it's true that crows have the intelligence of a 7 year old human...

How come I've never seen a crow admitted to hospital for having a lego stuck up it's arse?

Did you know scientists claim that dolphins are second to man in intelligence?

That means woman just got pushed to 3rd place

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

A compliment on someone’s intelligence...

‘You’ve got more brains than Kurt Cobains garage roof’

A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.

He had to return home empty handed.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence...

...because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

Why did the Army Intelligence Officer smash the PC?

He heard there was intel inside.

Dad, I inherited my intelligence from you right?

Dad: That’s right, my smart little girl!

Daughter: That would make sense since mom still has hers.

Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence?

Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.

How do we know when Artificial Intelligence has become self-aware?

It starts to think its bot is too big.

Son asks his father why does he speak so lightly at home? Father replies because there is artificial intelligence that listens to everything we say.

Son laughs, the dad laughs, Alexa laughs

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