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Intelligence Jokes

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The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence?

Natural stupidity!

Artificial Intelligence

My wife says I'm too paranoid about smart devices, and that I simply watched too many movies where machines turn against humanity.

The other day I told my wife a joke in the kitchen. She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed; I shot the toaster... good times.

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What do you call a homosexual artificial intelligence

Chat GBT

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman..

Because if she doesn’t have THAT, I may just have a chance.

I wanted to get a job that doesn’t require too much intelligence

So I decided to run for the President of the United States

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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Artificial Intelligence & Counter Intelligence

Hey Google, I am feeling the urge to have sex.


Google: Most certainly. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees. Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favourite Thai masseuse.

She is just 12 minutes ...

Intelligent life?

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have ...

Strength vs. Intelligence

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet ...

Me: Did you know talking to yourself indicates high intelligence?

Me: Yes, I did know that.

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have...

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

My boss calls me, “The Computer” but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Why can't AI (Artificial Intelligence) replace managers?

because it’s not designed to be useless

the US navy intercepted russian intelligence on cats

It described training tactics on how to use cats to pilot miniature sub marines. Thus the US started training dogs to counter such a tactic. These dogs were called sub woofers.

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

What's Canada's intelligence agency called?

The C.I. Eh

To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

A Father's Intelligence

A boy walks up to his father and asks, "Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from?"

After a minute the dad replies, "Must be from your mother because I still have mine"

A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence

She explains what intelligence is and then

Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called stupid. Now how many of you think of yourselves as stupid, stand up.

She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.

Teacher: Do...

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

Studies show that 75 percent of blondes have lower-than-average intelligence.

Luckily, I’m a blonde and I’m in the remaining 35%

What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

Intelligence is like an underwear.

It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Intelligence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'


The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

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Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?

Because they're never wrong

I have average intelligence

Everyone else is stupid

I've heard that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

My country is a world leader in counter-intelligence.

Also in counter-science.

The job interviewer asked me: "Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?"

I said, "I'd rather trade intelligence for intelligence."

"Allegedly Trump gave Russians intelligence "

I wonder how much he had in the first place and how much he is left with.

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I'm sapiosexual, I find intelligence attractive.

I guess you could say I come to a lot of conclusions.

I bought several books on how to overcome artificial intelligence.

I saw them advertised on my Facebook.

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

Donald Trump goes to an elementary school to show off his intelligence and success.

The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.

Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:

“What would be a tragedy, kids?”

A bespect...

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A girl asked me to rate her ass. Instead, I rated her intelligence.

I rated her ass a 9.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

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I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored j...

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

An American, a Frenchman, a Turk and a Scotsman are arguing about whose nation is the best

(sorry for bad English, it's not my native language)

The American says: We have our intelligence agencies, like CIA. They are the best in the world, and they know everything!

The Frenchman says: We have beautiful women. Despite being so attractive, they are not easy to be seduced.
<...

A compliment on someone’s intelligence...

‘You’ve got more brains than Kurt Cobains garage roof’

The House Intelligence Committee

Shoot, I put the punchline in the title again!

Scientists have announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.

So that pushes women down to third place.

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

Why did the Army Intelligence Officer smash the PC?

He heard there was intel inside.

Today I learned about the links between high intelligence and depression

I just wish it made me feel better....

Dad, I inherited my intelligence from you right?

Dad: That’s right, my smart little girl!

Daughter: That would make sense since mom still has hers.

Artificial Intelligence

An Annapolis computer science major was given an artificial intelligence assignment for one of his classes. He ended up creating a program where you could have a conversation with your computer based on your IQ level.

To test his program he entered 80 and had a conversation with his Soap Ope...

What's Intelligence?

Joe and his buddy Jim are digging a ditch, while their foreman sits on a lawn chair in the shade, drinking lemonade. It's a hot day, and Joe starts wondering why the foreman isn't doing any of the work. "Hey Jim?" he asks. "How come we're down here digging the ditch, and the boss is up there, drinki...

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A student sits next to their teacher at lunch

The teacher tells the student "Birds don't eat with pigs." The student gets up and says "Alright, then I'll fly away"

Angry at being outsmarted, the teacher attempts to humiliate the student in class. The teacher calls them up and asks them a question. "You find two bags, one full of money, t...

Why do CIA Intelligence Officers hate everyone and everything?

It's just what they do. They despise.

Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030...

...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.

A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.

He had to return home empty handed.

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

Artificial Intelligence is really taking over our jobs, man.

Just today, I asked Siri to change the tv channel, and it ended up calling my mother.


Siri has now replaced my partially deaf grandma.

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence...

...because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence?

Alexus.

Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence?

If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.

I heard Joe Biden was gonna get the same intelligence briefing Trump gets everyday for the first time tomorrow.

Does the coloring book come with crayons?

Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence?

Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.

Did you know scientists claim that dolphins are second to man in intelligence?

That means woman just got pushed to 3rd place

My kids got their intelligence from their mother

Because I still have mine

How do we know when Artificial Intelligence has become self-aware?

It starts to think its bot is too big.

Did you see that the actress Kristen Stewart just coauthored a paper on artificial intelligence?

And it is still a better love story than Twilight.

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