How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Tentickles.

Cakeday favorite string of jokes. How many tickles does it take to tickle a squid?

Tentacles.
How do you check that? Test tickles!
What did the octopus think? You gotta be squidding me!

I just heard a really good joke about a giant squid

It's Kraken me up

What do you call a squid moving forward?

squidward

My tattoo artist loves her squid and the squid loves me. But I love both of them

I'll ink them both

I believe that if someone makes you calamari, you should make them calamari in return.

You know, squid pro quo.

(My favorite joke for my 2 year old daughter) What's the difference between an octopus and a squid?

A squid has TEN-TICKLES!
(Proceeds to tickle her and go "EEEEE!")

Sorry if this is a repost

What do you call a bunch of squid joining the military?

The kalim-army

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the squid say to the bagpipes?

I would fuck you if I could get you out of those pajamas.

How much does an unwell octopus cost?

Sick Squid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

If Squidward got a job at a prison for squids,

Would he be known as Squid Warden Squirdward?

How does a squid couple take the next step in their relationship?

They get calimarried

When I found out today was my cake day

All I could say was “YOU GOTTA BE SQUIDDING ME!”

What do you call twin squids?

Itentacle.

I'd brag about how many types of squid I know

if I weren't such a humboldt man.

How did the squid manage to join a football team?

It has got a track record for pulling off some of the top ten tackles.

When I was dissecting a squid, I learned that its esophagus goes through its brain.

Food for thought.

Be careful around angry squids

They tentacle

Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night?

He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

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So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[wife, watching the news] Some idiot was trying to fight a squid at the aquarium.

[me, covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick.

TIL baby squid come out laughing when they are born!

Makes sense I suppose... their mums do give them ten-tickles.

Have you heard about the squid that's really good at his job?

The manager says he's an ink-redible employee.

Where should Spongebob fans go in the hospital?

The Squid-ward

There was a deep sea fisherman

That accidentally caught an eagle porpoise - a rare species of porpoise (though not endangered) that inhabits the waters off Southern Mexico to Peru (ie, the Pacific coast). This species has a down-turned snout ideal for catching bottom-dwelling mollusks (octopi and squid) that inhabit the reefs and...

What do you call a deal brokered by a cephalopod?

Squid-pro-quo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

Sea life joke

So the flounder was chatting with his eel friend and asked
"Have you heard about the new twin squid?"
And the eel replied
"Yeah, I heard they were totally i-Tentacle"

What do you call it when a certain aquatic animal with eight arms agrees not to ink you as long as you promise not to harpoon him?

That's a squid pro quo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?

Squid marks.

What do you call it when a fisherman gives a cephalopod in exchange for information on his rival fishermen?

A Squid-Pro-Quo

A restaurant sold me Calamari in a broth.

It was a bit of a damp squid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.....

he goes to the barman and asks "if I show you something amazing would you give me a free drink"?
The barman obliges. The man pulls out of his pocket a little piano along with a little woman. Then all of a sudden the little womman plays Beethoven 3rd symphony perfectly.

The barman astonishe...

A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp

It was squid pro quo.

Where do Nintendo Characters shop?

Ike-ea, Waa-Greens, Hot Togepi, Break the Target, Lush Ultimate, Wet-Spheal, Mushroom Kingdom (think about it), Abercombie and Squid, and Walmarth.

A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

What do you call a group of cephalopods trying to kill themselves?

Suicide Squid

Another guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

Barman says "what's with this octopus?"

"This is the sick squid I owe you." Says the guy.

A mathematician and his deaf friend walk into a bar...

A mathematician and his deaf friend walk into a bar, but do not order anything and immediately started to wiggle their arms at each other like squids.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, asks "What the hell are you two doing??"
The mathematician replies "Don't you know sine language?"
<...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and gets talking to the bartender. The bar tender tells him that a genie had stopped in town and was in the other room granting wishes to those who asked him, but to be careful what he wished for.
The man rushed into the other room where there was a man playing the piano w...

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

A favor for a neighbor is a good deed.

A favor for a favor is quid pro quo.

A favor for SpongeBob's neighbor is squid pro quo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile in a seafood restaurant

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Jervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Jervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so calm and frien...

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