UPJOKE
giant squidcuttlefishcalamaricephalopodmantlecalamaryoctopuswhalecolossal squidchitinorderarchiteuthiscookeryjellyfishbobtail

Squid Jokes

How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed

What do you call twin squids?

Itentacle.

I just heard a really good joke about a giant squid

It's Kraken me up

How does a squid start a war?

Well-armed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Ukrainian Jew to another: "Would you share this imported bottle of Scotch with me?"

The other: "Of course I would. But we barely have money for food. Where did you get Scotch?"

First: "I traded some Russian caviar for it."

Second: "But how did you get Russian caviar?"

First: "I traded some calamari to them for it."

Second: "But we're hundreds of kilomete...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(British joke) A man walks into a bar....

He says to the bartender "Hey, if I show you something amazing can I drink for free?" The bartender agrees, and the man proceeds to pull out a tiny, one foot tall man with a miniature piano, places him on the bar, and he begins playing. "Wow! Okay your drinks are on the house, but where did you get ...

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Tentickles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

What do a giant squid and a paid hooker have in common

They both eat seamen

why did the squid get expelled from school

For kraken jokes

What kind of phones do squids use?

CephaliPods

What did the giant squid say to the other giant squid?

What's kraken bro

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

If Squidward got a job at a prison for squids,

Would he be known as Squid Warden Squirdward?

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

My tattoo artist loves her squid and the squid loves me. But I love both of them

I'll ink them both

(My favorite joke for my 2 year old daughter) What's the difference between an octopus and a squid?

A squid has TEN-TICKLES!
(Proceeds to tickle her and go "EEEEE!")

Sorry if this is a repost

What do you call a bunch of squid joining the military?

The kalim-army

How did the squid manage to join a football team?

It has got a track record for pulling off some of the top ten tackles.

I'd brag about how many types of squid I know

if I weren't such a humboldt man.

What do you call a squid moving forward?

squidward

Be careful around angry squids

They tentacle

Cakeday favorite string of jokes. How many tickles does it take to tickle a squid?

Tentacles.
How do you check that? Test tickles!
What did the octopus think? You gotta be squidding me!

I believe that if someone makes you calamari, you should make them calamari in return.

You know, squid pro quo.

How does a squid couple take the next step in their relationship?

They get calimarried

When I found out today was my cake day

All I could say was “YOU GOTTA BE SQUIDDING ME!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the squid say to the bagpipes?

I would fuck you if I could get you out of those pajamas.

TIL baby squid come out laughing when they are born!

Makes sense I suppose... their mums do give them ten-tickles.

Have you heard about the squid that's really good at his job?

The manager says he's an ink-redible employee.

Sea life joke

So the flounder was chatting with his eel friend and asked
"Have you heard about the new twin squid?"
And the eel replied
"Yeah, I heard they were totally i-Tentacle"

A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

I got hospitalized for my SpongeBob addiction.

They put me in the Squid ward.

What do you call it when two cephalopods do favors for each other?

Squid Pro Quo.

Never eat the calamari at the free legal benefit

That's squid pro quo

A favor for a neighbor is a good deed.

A favor for a favor is quid pro quo.

A favor for SpongeBob's neighbor is squid pro quo.

How much does an unwell octopus cost?

Sick Squid.

I was browsing through Netflix with my cooking teacher.

She said, "I don't know what we should watch."

I said, "Would you consider Squid Game?"

She said, "No, because it isn't wild meat."

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

What do you call it when a certain aquatic animal with eight arms agrees not to ink you as long as you promise not to harpoon him?

That's a squid pro quo

A mathematician and his deaf friend walk into a bar...

A mathematician and his deaf friend walk into a bar, but do not order anything and immediately started to wiggle their arms at each other like squids.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, asks "What the hell are you two doing??"
The mathematician replies "Don't you know sine language?"
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meanwhile in a seafood restaurant

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Jervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Jervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so calm and frien...

Where should Spongebob fans go in the hospital?

The Squid-ward

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

An octopus politician offered to pay my debts if I voted for him.

I guess it's squid pro quo

A restaurant sold me Calamari in a broth.

It was a bit of a damp squid.

What do you call it when a fisherman gives a cephalopod in exchange for information on his rival fishermen?

A Squid-Pro-Quo

One of my friends convinced me to make a vision board

When I finished it he looked at it for a minute and said "You envision yourself as a Jedi, fighting off giant mutant squid, armed with lasers?"

"When I take enough Peyote and LSD, that's one of my tamer visions."

What do you call a group of cephalopods trying to kill themselves?

Suicide Squid

Another guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

Barman says "what's with this octopus?"

"This is the sick squid I owe you." Says the guy.

A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp

It was squid pro quo.

What do you call a deal brokered by a cephalopod?

Squid-pro-quo.

How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?

Squid marks.

Where do Nintendo Characters shop?

Ike-ea, Waa-Greens, Hot Togepi, Break the Target, Lush Ultimate, Wet-Spheal, Mushroom Kingdom (think about it), Abercombie and Squid, and Walmarth.

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and gets talking to the bartender. The bar tender tells him that a genie had stopped in town and was in the other room granting wishes to those who asked him, but to be careful what he wished for.
The man rushed into the other room where there was a man playing the piano w...

Diving trip goes bad...

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.