How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles

What do you call a Jamaican squid?

Cala Marley.

~~credit to whoever it was at Nintendo who originally came up with this pun for a Splatoon musician's name~~

I just heard a really good joke about a giant squid

It's Kraken me up

What did the giant squid say to the other giant squid?

What's kraken bro

What do you call a group of squid?

A squad.

I'd brag about how many types of squid I know

if I weren't such a humboldt man.

How did the squid manage to join a football team?

It has got a track record for pulling off some of the top ten tackles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[wife, watching the news] Some idiot was trying to fight a squid at the aquarium.

[me, covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick.

What do you call it when a certain aquatic animal with eight arms agrees not to ink you as long as you promise not to harpoon him?

That's a squid pro quo

A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp

It was squid pro quo.

Where do Nintendo Characters shop?

Ike-ea, Waa-Greens, Hot Togepi, Break the Target, Lush Ultimate, Wet-Spheal, Mushroom Kingdom (think about it), Abercombie and Squid, and Walmarth.

TIL baby squid come out laughing when they are born!

Makes sense I suppose... their mums do give them ten-tickles.

How does a squid couple take the next step in their relationship?

They get calimarried

Have you heard about the squid that's really good at his job?

The manager says he's an ink-redible employee.

What do you call twin squids?

Itentacle.

What is Donald Trump‘s least favorite seafood?

Squid Pro Quo

How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?

Squid marks.

Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night?

He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!

A man walks into a bar.....

he goes to the barman and asks "if I show you something amazing would you give me a free drink"?
The barman obliges. The man pulls out of his pocket a little piano along with a little woman. Then all of a sudden the little womman plays Beethoven 3rd symphony perfectly.

The barman astonishe...

I am forever disappointed

that a group of squids is not called a squad.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and gets talking to the bartender. The bar tender tells him that a genie had stopped in town and was in the other room granting wishes to those who asked him, but to be careful what he wished for.
The man rushed into the other room where there was a man playing the piano w...

What do you call a group of cephalopods trying to kill themselves?

Suicide Squid

Another guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.

Barman says "what's with this octopus?"

"This is the sick squid I owe you." Says the guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

A favor for a neighbor is a good deed.

A favor for a favor is quid pro quo.

A favor for SpongeBob's neighbor is squid pro quo.

Did you know that the octopus is the only sea creature with tentacles?

Just squidding!

What did the octopus say when he found out his wife had 10 tentacles?

You've got to be squidding me! (I spent a whole day making that up for my wife)

A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

A mathematician and his deaf friend walk into a bar...

A mathematician and his deaf friend walk into a bar, but do not order anything and immediately started to wiggle their arms at each other like squids.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, asks "What the hell are you two doing??"
The mathematician replies "Don't you know sine language?"
<...

Meanwhile in a seafood restaurant

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Jervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Jervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so calm and frien...

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