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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

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What do venomous snakes and condoms have in common?

It's better not fucking with either of them.

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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?

Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

What's the difference between poisonous & venomous ?

If it bites you and you die, its venomous
If you bite it and you die, its poisonous
If it bites you and it dies, its voodoo
If it bites you and nobody dies its kinky

Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other, "Hey, are we venomous?"

The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."
"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "because I just bit my tongue."

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.

"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"

"Gotcha."

The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"

"They said you'...

I remember the day my son found out the neighbor's python wasn't venomous

he was crushed.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle

One of them yells out: "Ahhhhh!". The other soldier turns to him and says: "What happened?!" as he sees a venomous snake leave the area.

"I was bit in the balls, oh the pain!"
"Oh my God! Let me find a clearing to call the base medic, wait right here" said the other soldier.

He proc...

Baby snake

\- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake

\- No, we aren't at all! Why?

\- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

A traveller reaches a church

It's late at night and he almost collapses at the door. Exhausted, he knocks on the door and is let in by Sister Francine. The Sister calls the others to help and they bring the guy in. He has a heavy trunk that they keep to a side. The night passes and the traveller wakes up in the morning. He is t...

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

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2 guys are hiking in the woods

They stop to urinate when a venomous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What should I do?", he asks the call taker....

A Tourist is Trudging Through Australia's Desert

A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert. …

He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water. His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.

Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake! Be...

My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"

"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"You're gonna die..."

My Grandfather sent me this earlier

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smile...

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Butch, Jimmy, and Joe go on a camping trip.

Butch and Jimmy are collecting firewood when out of nowhere, a venomous snake bites Jimmy on the tip of his penis.

Jimmy: "I'm bit! It got my penis - oh my god, what do I do?!"

Butch: "Joe will know what to do! I'll go ask him!"

Butch rushes back to their campsite and finds Joe...

This joke has been in my family for quite a while. Translated to the best of my abilities.

A Fijian farmer loses an arm from a venomous snake bite. His entire livelihood crumbles as he can no longer provide for himself nor his hot wife who ends up leaving him. He decides to end the misery by jumping off a cliff. On his way, he spots a man with no arms jumping around with an overjoyed expr...

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A man is at his wife's funeral

"My condolences. I can't imagine how terrible it must've been to lose a wife."

"That's okay, I'm used to it. This is the fourth time I got married and my wife died. My first wife died after eating a venomous mushroom."

"How about your second wife?"

"She ate a venomous mushroom."...

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Two Friends Hiking

One day, two men were hiking on a mountainside.
"Hey, I'm gonna take a piss." says the first guy.
"Yah sure." says the second guy.
While the first guy is taking a pee, he gets bit by a venomous snake on his penis.
"Help!" screams the first guy, "I just got bit by a snake, go and get som...

Two Australian men are in the Outback

Two Australian men are in the Outback to survey land that they'll build a mine on. Suddenly, one of the men screams out in pain, and his friend runs over to him.

"What the hell happened mate?"

"That bloody snake over there bit me on the dong!" The man points to a rattlesnake some ways...

A priest, a doctor, and a politician...

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath. The psychopath says ‘I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you.’

The priest says a short ...

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Two guys in the go hiking.

Two guys go hiking up a trail. As they are walking on the trail, one of the guys get bitten on the dick by a venomous snake. So the second guy runs around trying to get reception to to call a doctor. Finally, he gets reception and calls the doctor. He briefly describes what happens and the doctor as...

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"Two men walk into a desert..."

Two men walk into a desert and a very venomous snake clenches it's teeth in one of the men's dick.


Panicked man: *"I'm going to die!"*

Friend: *"No you're not!"*


The friend immediately calls 911 and asks the operator what he should do.


Operator: *"There is on...

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