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Whale Jokes

What's with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?

Seems Orcastrated

A Whale Tale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because, even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jo...

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My wife has a whale tattooed on her ...

It used to be a dolphin.

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.

I heard that whales never skip leg day,

Just look at their huge calfs.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

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Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.


They proceed to do so and swim ...

What does it take to circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers

What should you do when writing a research paper about whales?

Include a cetacean

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

Where do you weigh Whales?

At the whale weigh station.

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The whale on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for...

What do you call a pod of singing killer whales?

An orcapella group

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What's a whale without undies

A free Willy

Two whales walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what he can get them.

The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWONNNKKKKKWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOO."

The second whale says "damn it Frank you're already drunk."

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Whales have pretty names, Sperm whale, humpback whale...

Your mom

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A baby whale asked his father how he was made

The father replied, “From my son.”

The son replies, “Oh...thanks.”

“You’re whalecum.”

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There’s a whale that sometimes experiences pain during

But it comes in waves

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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

why was the whale so rich?

Because it was whale-thy

a whale walks into a bar

Bartender says "go home you're drunk"

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What do you call a whale with erectile dysfunction?

Mopey

If you guys have more Moby jokes, let me know in the comments

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

The mommy whale went up to the daddy whale after taking a pregnancy test

She says to him, "Honey! I'm pregnant again! Can you believe it?"

With tears of joy he responds excitedly, "OMG Honey! This is amazing news! I've always wanted more children! I love you! Thank you!

She responds, "Your *whalecum.*"

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How much sperm does a Blue Whale ejaculate?

Approximately 40 gallons,

You're whalecum.

What did the one beached whale said to the other beached whale?

Life's a beach and then you die.

Where did the whale go when it was bankrupt?

To the loan shark.

From my 6 year old: Why do whales hate the rain?

Cause it gets them all wet.

A nearsighted whale followed a submarine across the ocean

Every time it fired off a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.

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What do whales do when another whale tries to have with them?

They hump-back

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Blue Whale walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they want to drink

The Catholic Priest says, "I want to celebrate the spirit of the Lord. I will have a glass of red wine, to represent His blood and suffering".

The Rabbi says, "I will have a glass of Mogen David Kosher wine, to represent the reading of the Kid...

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One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean

One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean. They came across a whalers ship and the first whale was immediately angered by this. He tells the second whale,

*“Whalers killed my brother! I want revenge! Let’s use our blowholes as hard as we can to tip the ship underneath and drown them!”*<...

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

I knew a guy that circumcised whales.

It didn’t pay much but the tips were huge.


credit u/mole4000

Do you know why blue whale is called blue whale?

Because it wasn't fat enough to be called yo mom!

Did you see the update to the sperm whale Wikipedia page?

[Cetacean needed]

A young whale asks his dad where he came from.

Father: “When a mommy whale and a daddy whale love each other very much they make a baby whale.”

Son: “Thanks, dad!”

Father: “You’re whale , son!”

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What do you call a sad whale?

Mopy

I tried whale meat.

But I'm just not that Inuit.

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Whale joke

Me: Hey did you know that whales can ejaculate over 50 gallons?

Friend: No but umm thank you for the info

Me: You’re whalecum

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After Brendan Fraser won an Oscar for The Whale, my wife suggested we make a movie about my .

The Minnow.

Sperm whales

Could they be the reason the sea is so salty?

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

I just learned this morning of the whale oil harvesting process…

In the 1800s when sailors were hunting whales for oils, it would take days while one is harpooned to get it into the boat while it passes and fights and the oils would even seep out making it very slippery and challenging to get into the boat so they had to use these beef hooks like butcher beef hoo...

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My music teacher constructed a piece for heterosexual killer whales.

That's something I wouldn't know how to orca straight.

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

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What do you call a movie about a wanted whale?

Freeze Willy

Guess what my grades and whales have in common?

They rarely rise above "C" level. ᴴᵉˡᵖ

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

"Whale whale whale look who it is." My buddy hates when I visit him at the aquarium.

He says I'm not using the word for its intended porpoise.

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The whale babies

A blue whale father is swimming with his son through the ocean

„ Daddy ? „, asks the boy

„ Yes ? „

„ How are baby whales made? „

„ Uhm „, answers the fathers with a pause, „ I can tell you „

„ Great! Thanks Daddy !„

„ You are whalecum „

What did the whale say to the dolphin?

When the person says "what?" do you best impression of a whale.

My co workers found it funny but my family did not.

What did the Texas Coast Guard say to the three captured whales?

Whale, whale, whale

Where do you find a particular type of whale?

In the Specific Ocean

What do Whales do when they hook up?

Netflix and Krill

A pirate trained his pet whale to come when he whistled

One day, he heard a navy general whistle the same way

Furious, the pirate fired all cannons and blew their ship in half. In victory he yelled

Sank you!

The general yelled back

Your whale comes!

How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.

What did the whale eat for lunch?

Fish and Ships.

How does a whale buy their drugs?

By the krill-o-gram

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale?

Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.

What does a Blue Whale do on a date?

Netflix and Krill.

English Whales

British tommy: Are you two girls from England?
Girls: Wales....
British tommy: are you two whales from England??

Why can't most sharks and whales read?

They are not part of a school

Where do whales go to listen to music?

The orca-stra

What do you get when you combine human DNA with whale DNA?

Kicked out of Sea World, apparently.



Yes, I know it's a repost. But I love this joke.

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

I got caught stealing a killer whale made of mahogany.

That's orca wood.

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A whale goes to a plastic surgeon

He gets a

Which whales have the fastest websites?

Cachalots

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Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

Do you know why they're called 'Sperm' Whales?

Because they're delicious.

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball...

What’s the difference between blue whales and green peas?

A leprechaun doesn’t get offended if you ask him if his whale’s blue.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

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They made the law to protect your mom
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