Whale Jokes - 95 Hilarious Whale Jokes

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

What's with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?

Seems Orcastrated

A Whale Tale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because, even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jo...

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My wife has a whale tattooed on her ass...

It used to be a dolphin.

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

Where do you weigh Whales?

At the whale weigh station.

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.

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Two whales

There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it."

"Okay," says the other whale.

They proceed to do so and swim ...

What does it take to circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers

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The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for...

What do you call a pod of singing killer whales?

An orcapella group

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

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What's a whale without undies

A free Willy

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father

"where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

Two whales walk into a bar.

The bartender asks what he can get them.

The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWONNNKKKKKWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOO."

The second whale says "damn it Frank you're already drunk."

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Whales have pretty sexual names, Sperm whale, humpback whale...

Your mom

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A baby whale asked his father how he was made

The father replied, “From my penis son.”

The son replies, “Oh...thanks.”

“You’re whalecum.”

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There’s a whale that sometimes experiences pain during ejaculation

But it comes in waves

The mommy whale went up to the daddy whale after taking a pregnancy test

She says to him, "Honey! I'm pregnant again! Can you believe it?"

With tears of joy he responds excitedly, "OMG Honey! This is amazing news! I've always wanted more children! I love you! Thank you!

She responds, "Your *whalecum.*"

What should you do when writing a research paper about whales?

Include a cetacean

I heard that whales never skip leg day,

Just look at their huge calfs.

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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

why was the whale so rich?

Because it was whale-thy

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What do you call a whale with erectile dysfunction?

Mopey Dick

If you guys have more Moby Dick jokes, let me know in the comments

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld

Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

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How much sperm does a Blue Whale ejaculate?

Approximately 40 gallons,

You're whalecum.

What did the one beached whale said to the other beached whale?

Life's a beach and then you die.

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A girlfriend and boyfriend whale spot a whaling vessel.

The male whale recognised the vessel as the vessel that killed his father, he mentions this to his girlfriend. He says to his girlfriend will you help me take revenge on the whaling vessel. She is more than happy to help out her boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plan is to swim up under the vessel a...

a whale walks into a bar

Bartender says "go home you're drunk"

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A male whale is with his girlfriend female whale

The male suggests that they go below a human boat and blow through their blowholes.

"C'mon, it will be fun!" He said.
The girlfriend replyed "Ok, anything for you honey."

And so they go below a boat with humans on it and they blow.
The boat went flying, and fell on its side.
<...

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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.

Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!

*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*

Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what woul...

Where did the whale go when it was bankrupt?

To the loan shark.

Do you know why blue whale is called blue whale?

Because it wasn't fat enough to be called yo mom!

A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Blue Whale walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they want to drink

The Catholic Priest says, "I want to celebrate the spirit of the Lord. I will have a glass of red wine, to represent His blood and suffering".

The Rabbi says, "I will have a glass of Mogen David Kosher wine, to represent the reading of the Kid...

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2 whale friends are swimming in the ocean

After a while, they spot a boat and one of the whales goes 'hey! That's the boat that harpooned my father!'

'We have to avenge him!' said the other whale.

So they decided to swim under the boat and blow out of their blowholes at the same time, so the boat would capsize and the men wo...

From my 6 year old: Why do whales hate the rain?

Cause it gets them all wet.

A nearsighted whale followed a submarine across the ocean

Every time it fired off a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.

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One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean

One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean. They came across a whalers ship and the first whale was immediately angered by this. He tells the second whale,

*“Whalers killed my brother! I want revenge! Let’s use our blowholes as hard as we can to tip the ship underneath and drown them!”*<...

Two big girls walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies **"Wales!"**

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

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Two whales.. John and Jenny are swimming in the ocean.

John is mourning the recent loss of his father who was killed by a whale fishing boat.

A few days later John and Jenny come across an similar looking Boat... with excitement John realizes that it’s the fishing boat that killed his father ... he is seeking revenge for the death of his father!...

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(NSFW) Two whales are swimming in the ocean and discover a little sailing boat...

one whale asks the other:

"Do you want to have some fun? Let's swim under the boat and blow air to make the boat capsize!"

He agrees. So they dive under the boat, blow air and the boat flips.

"This was fun. What do you think about eating the sailors? It would be a shame to let t...

I knew a guy that circumcised whales.

It didn’t pay much but the tips were huge.

credit u/mole4000

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What do whales do when another whale tries to have sex with them?

They hump-back

Did you see the update to the sperm whale Wikipedia page?

[Cetacean needed]

A young whale asks his dad where he came from.

Father: “When a mommy whale and a daddy whale love each other very much they make a baby whale.”

Son: “Thanks, dad!”

Father: “You’re whale cum, son!”

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Dirty Whale joke

A male and female whale were swimming in an ocean. They noticed a whaling ship sailing nearby. The male whale told the female whale: "This is the same ship that was used to kill my dad."

Then he proceeded to say: "I have a plan. Let's swim right below the ship, and use our blowholes at once. ...

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What do you call a sad whale?

Mopy dick

I tried whale meat.

But I'm just not that Inuit.

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So two whales are swimming along...

... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!"

The second whale agrees and they begin their ...

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Whale joke

Me: Hey did you know that whales can ejaculate over 50 gallons?

Friend: No but umm thank you for the info

Me: You’re whalecum

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After Brendan Fraser won an Oscar for The Whale, my wife suggested we make a movie about my penis.

The Minnow.

Sperm whales

Could they be the reason the sea is so salty?

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There are 2 whales, we'll call them whale #1 and whale #2

Whale #1 said "Hey let's use our blowholes to mess with that ship"

Whale #2 said "Sure, okay"

The boat flipped upside down and people were drowning and swimming around

Whale #1 then said "Let's eat these people"

Whale #2 replied "Hey man I was up for a blowjob but I'm no...

I just learned this morning of the whale oil harvesting process…

In the 1800s when sailors were hunting whales for oils, it would take days while one is harpooned to get it into the boat while it passes and fights and the oils would even seep out making it very slippery and challenging to get into the boat so they had to use these beef hooks like butcher beef hoo...

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My music teacher constructed a piece for heterosexual killer whales.

That's something I wouldn't know how to orca straight.

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

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What do you call a movie about a wanted whale?

Freeze Willy

Guess what my grades and whales have in common?

They rarely rise above "C" level. ᴴᵉˡᵖ

What did the whale eat for lunch?

Fish and Ships.

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

"Whale whale whale look who it is." My buddy hates when I visit him at the aquarium.

He says I'm not using the word for its intended porpoise.

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

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The whale babies

A blue whale father is swimming with his son through the ocean

„ Daddy ? „, asks the boy

„ Yes ? „

„ How are baby whales made? „

„ Uhm „, answers the fathers with a pause, „ I can tell you „

„ Great! Thanks Daddy !„

„ You are whalecum „

What do Whales do when they hook up?

Netflix and Krill

How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.

What did the whale say to the dolphin?

When the person says "what?" do you best impression of a whale.

My co workers found it funny but my family did not.

Where do you find a particular type of whale?

In the Specific Ocean

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Chuck Norris Once Jizzed in the Ocean

That's why we have sperm whales.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:

"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

What did the Texas Coast Guard say to the three captured whales?

Whale, whale, whale

A pirate trained his pet whale to come when he whistled

One day, he heard a navy general whistle the same way

Furious, the pirate fired all cannons and blew their ship in half. In victory he yelled

Sank you!

The general yelled back

Your whale comes!

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2 Whales, 1 whaling ship

One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The fema...

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A whale

A whale ejaculated.

On the way out his sperm said "Thank you for releasing us"

The whale replied "You're whale cum"

How does a whale buy their drugs?

By the krill-o-gram

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale?

Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.

What does a Blue Whale do on a date?

Netflix and Krill.

Why can't most sharks and whales read?

They are not part of a school

Where do whales go to listen to music?

The orca-stra

What do you get when you combine human DNA with whale DNA?

Kicked out of Sea World, apparently.

Yes, I know it's a repost. But I love this joke.

English Whales

British tommy: Are you two girls from England?
Girls: Wales....
British tommy: are you two whales from England??

Fantastic Ocean Life Facts The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

I got caught stealing a killer whale made of mahogany.

That's orca wood.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

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A whale goes to a plastic surgeon

He gets a blowjob

Which whales have the fastest websites?

Cachalots

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Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW

They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until th...

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Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

Do you know why they're called 'Sperm' Whales?

Because they're delicious.

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball...

What’s the difference between blue whales and green peas?

A leprechaun doesn’t get offended if you ask him if his whale’s blue.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona

Arizona is land locked.

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They made the law to protect your mom

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

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