What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a blue whale?

About 10 pounds.

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

What do a group of whales listen to on long journey?

Podcasts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

I can't eat whale blubber.

I've tried it, I'm just not Inuit.

-my beloved nerd of a husband

What did the whale say to the divers

Whalecome to the ocean

Two whales walk into a bar.

The first one says to the bartender, "WWWWWHHHHHHHHMMMMMMM."

The second one says, "Frank, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Two Whales are sitting at a bar

The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWOWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOO."

The second whale says "Go home Steve your Drunk".

​

."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father whale and a son whale are swimming in the ocean.

Son looks at dad and asks,

“Dad? Where do I come from?”

Father replies, “My penis, son.”

“Oh. OK. Thanks.”

“You’re Whalecum, son.”

I once held a door for a sperm whale. He said thank you.

I said, you're whale cum.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A whale walks into a bar...

The bartender immediately stops the whale as he enters. Holding both hands up, the bartender begins shouting,

"Woah, woah there, whale! What are you doing here?! This is a bar! This is no place for whales!"

The bartender notices this upright whale is wearing a top hat and carrying a S...

Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds?

He’s the one that orca-strated the heist!

I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

Have you met my Spanish killer whale?

Mallorca?

What does a Blue Whale do on a date?

Netflix and Krill.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

What do you call a band full of whales?

An ORCAstra

What do you get when you mix human DNA with whale DNA?

Kicked out of Sea World

Why did the little whale wear a burka?

For religious porpoises.

A Whale Calf went up to his Father and said “Thank you for conceiving me and bringing me into this world”

The Father Whale looks at his calf and says, “You’re Whalecum”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So the popular joke of the morning is the whale blowjob.... I got you!

So a couple of years ago two sharks were swimming along and came across a small party boat that was sinking. One shark says to the other, lets swim around and show them one fin, that will scare them. So they make a few laps, sure enough giving the party on board a good scare. The sharks hang around ...

How do dolphins and whales pass down and share knowledge through the generations?

Via podcasts, naturally.

Why are the cow, whale and ant best friends?

Because they form cow-whale-ant bond

How do you circumcise a whale?

Send four skin divers down

What's the difference between Jonah's wife and a whale?

One of them swallows.

Two whales are sitting at the bar. One goes to the other: “ooooooOOOOOOOooo hmm hmm hmm. Ooo ooo ooo. Hmmmnmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnng Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmm. OoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo. HmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. MnnnnnnOoooOooooo”

His buddy says “Go home, Kevin. You’re drunk.”

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Blue Whale's Testicles are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.

That's nuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know: Blue whales have vaginas that can fit up to 5-6 grown men...

which makes them the 2nd biggest pussies in the world right after France in WWII

I have a pet whale

His name is Charles, he is the Prince of Whales.

How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blue whale's vagina is so big and deep that 5-6 men can easily lay down in it, making it the world's biggest pussy after..

After^Italy^during^both^world^wars

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whales have pretty sexual names, Sperm whale, humpback whale...

Your mom

Why does killer whale feces smell so good?

Because it's shampoo.

How do you circumcise a whale?

4 skin divers.
Told to me by my neighbor many years ago, ha ha.

What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?

Sorry I didn’t do it on porpoise

I had a douchbag whale as a flatmate once...

I had this douchebag whale as a flatmate once. He was really messy and never paid rent. Eventually the time came where I thought enough was enough and told him to leave, but, stubborn as he was, that didn't really work at all. So I hatched a plan. Late at night, when he was asleep, I secretly attach...

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

Have you ever eaten a whale?

It’s delicious, but a lot.

What’s a whales least favorite greeting?

Whale Cum

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a whale walk into a bar,

The Irishman says, "give me an Irish whiskey." The bartender gives him one and he sits down to drink it.

The Mexican says, "I'll have tequila." The bartender gives him a tequila and he sits down to drink it.

Then the whale says, "WAAOLOOAO" because whales don't talk.

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

A lion and a tiger make a liger, a whale and dolphin a wolphin, a squid and octopus a scquoctopus. What would a five-year old and a horse be?

Definitely illegal.

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball...

A blue whale walks into a bar...

The bartender says "you're too big, get outta here!"
Killer whale walks into the bar, bartender says "hell no, no killers here!"
Then a sperm whale walks in and says "can I stay?"
"Sure" says the bartender, "sperm whales are always whale-cum"

What did the whale say after eating the boat?

"This tastes like ship."

Do you remember that group of whales that had a distinct higher pitch to their songs?

I believe they were Orcastrato

A teacher is trying to teach her students that whales can’t swallow human beings.

One of the students raises his hand and says, “But wait, wasn’t Jonah swallowed by a whale?”

“No,” the teacher replies. “It’s impossible.”

The student whips out his phone and finds the story online, showing it to the class.

“Yeah, see,” he says. “Jonah WAS swallowed by a whale!”...

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

Their accent, lilting and song-like, appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
...

Two fat ladies walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

What do you call a group of beached whales?

A tide pod.

My wife has a whale tattooed on her ass...

It used to be a dolphin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from."

The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

At which point, the father whale was stricken by a long thin object which penetrated him with ease. He saw that it appeared to...

One day a sailor gets on his boat named the “SS Sperm whale”

He notices several people looking at him wondering about the name of his boat. He decides to dispel their confusion and spreads his arms wide then says,

“Hey guys! Whalecum!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for...

A man is drunk in a bar,

Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotla...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do sperm whales have on their front porch?

A whalecum mat.

How did the whale get pregnant off the submarine?

Snapped it in half and sucked up all the sea-men

A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

I can’t think of a sperm whale joke right now.

But I guess it’ll come to me

Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn’t

She said she’s just not that Inuit.

Why do killer whales never make friends with other species?

They're too orc'ward.

So I came home from work, and my roommate had cooked dinner for us. She made whale blubber. She was like "I hope you like whale blubber!" I told her "Well I mean that just sounds terrible!"

She said "You never know, you might be Inuit."

Credit to my roommate for this one

What do you get if you cross a woman with a whale?

Your research funding suspended and a severe reprimand from the ethics committee.