A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."

"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"

"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em fir...

Why don’t sharks bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?

...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

What did the shark say when he ate the clown-fish?

This taste a little funny.

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.” “OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?” “I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

What's a sharks least favourite name?

Ned
___

So I have my Alexa set up to tell me joke when I say goodnight, last night it told me that joke...and I can't work it out?! I have searched for it online, and other people have searched for it but no one has seemed to find out what it means.

Am I being stupid and missing som...

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because he was well armed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mama shark and a her pup were swimming by a beach

The pup turnes to its mother and said "Mom, I'm hungry".

"Just find some swimmer, swim a couple laps around him, and dig in, child", she replies.

The pup is impatient and says "But swimming laps takes so long! I'm just going to dig in instead".

"Go ahead, but don't come crying t...

I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product

I offered 20% steak

Why do sharks live in salt water?

Pepper water would make them sneeze.

Where does the president of the sharks live?

In the Great White House.

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

I saw a man in the sea screaming, 'Help, shark, help!'

I couldn't help but laugh though because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

so this shark swims into a bar...

"Arggg!", he yelled. "I'm such a klutz!"

I learned about shark mating

Disappointed they don't have Megalo-dongs :(

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?

Because pepperwater makes them sneeze

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you cross anxiety meds with an ancient shark and a penis?

A Mogolodong.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."


The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

What do you call it when a shark is sassy?

Sharkasm

I saw a guy at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed.

I knew that shark wasn't going to help him

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing....

Why was the shark eating pineapples?

Because it makes seamen taste better.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On the one hand, I should be more focused on my job as a shark feeder at SeaWorld.

On the other h... FUCK!

What do you call that red stain around a shark's mouth?

Residude.

Where do sharks go on vacation?

Finland

What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?

This tastes funny

I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves.

Baby shark do da do da do da dooo

Whats the real theme of the baby shark song?

Child predators!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why ...

Did you know that every year cats kill more people than sharks?

But that's probably because it's hard to get the cat to get in the ocean.

I saw a shark swimming by itself in the ocean...

...I tried to lure it to me with some meat I had on board. It did not seem intrigued and just swam away.

I guess it was just a low-interest lone shark.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mother sharks and her offspring were swimming one day when they came upon a sinking ship.

Mother shark saw the humans abandoning ship. Once the ship sank, she instructed her offspring, "Follow my lead. We're going to swim in circles around the humans". The little sharks, their hunger already growing, were excited. One asked, "Can we eat them now?" Mother replied, "Not yet, dear. Just fol...

What do you call a shark that plays basketball?

A Sharq.

I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves.

I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.

What do you call an acrobat in shark infested waters?

A balanced breakfast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

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What do you call a big shark with a huge dick?

Megalodong

People from Boston will never forget that Shaquille O'Neal is hosting Shark Week this year.

They love Shaq Week.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer.

What do you get when you cross a shark and a giraffe?

A stern reprimand from the bioethics committee.

Why did the shark keep swimming in circles?

It had a nosebleed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sharks

A baby shark swims up to a group of sailors fallen in the water. He observes mama shark swim circles around the sailor for several minutes before proceeding to chomp down.

Baby shark asks mama shark “why do we swim circles around humans before eating them?”

Mama shark responds, “becau...

Shark Tank

*on Shark Tank*

Sharks: what's your idea?

Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses

Shark 1: I'm out

Shark 2: I'm out as well

Hammerhead shark: tell me more

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do sharks circle around people before eating them?

Because they taste better without the shit in them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes into Shark Tank and says I have a great idea...

It is clothing for a completely untapped market, bald fags.

"Nah bro" the judges say in unison. "Tap out already exists"

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A shark is teaching his son how to hunt humans

Alright son, you start with circling your pray. Every once in a while you take a nibble out of them. And then after a few rounds you finally attack and eat them.

The son confused asks his father; why can't I just attack and eat them from the start? Its definitely quicker!

The father re...

The wife has just been attacked by a shark.

In fairness, I probably shouldn't have taken the loan out in her name.

How much RAM does a great white shark have?

A killer-bite.

Hospitals charge you quite a lot if you've been bitten by a shark

Usually ends up costing an arm AND a leg.

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

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the Pope and the baseball fans

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach when there was a frantic fight just off shore. A man, wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey, was struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 25ft shark.

As the Pope ...

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

What did the seal with a cast say to the shark?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

How did the shark know his family was nearby?

He smelled blood.

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.

A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fisherman caught the golden shark

*Please let me go and I`ll have you one wish come true*, said the shark.

*I want my dick to be so long that it reaches the ground*, answered the fisherman.

*Ok*, said the shark and bit his legs.

Why don’t sharks eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

What does a shark and a computer have in common?

They both have megabites

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Papa shark is teaching baby shark how to eat humans

"First you sneak up underneath, slowly make your way closer, you want to circle around the human about 3 or 4 times... and then BAAAAAAMMM"

Baby shark replies " but papa, why do I have to swim around him that many times, why can't I just swim right at him?"

Papa shark says "first you n...

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The Tale of the Fisherman and the... Shark

A fisherman pulls up a shark. The shark start begging for his life:
"If you release me back to sea, I'll grant you a wish!".

The fisherman who has heard the "The Tale of the Fisherman and the Gold Fish" starts laughing: "You are not even a goldfish... why should I trust you?"

The s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fisherman catches a shark...

as soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling "wait wait wait... I'm a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.


"Alright" says the man, "i want my penis to reach the floor".


So the shark ate his legs.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a fear of sharks?

Common fucking sense!

Every year for Halloween I go dressed as a shark

Every year for Halloween I go dressed as a shark. But, I've done this for the last few years so the joke is wearing fin

What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?

An octobrave.



I'm sorry.

What do you call the soft stuff in between a sharks teeth?

A guy who couldn't swim fast enough

We all felt euphoric once I added sharks to the pool inside my house...

That's because the pool was full of indoor-fins.

Did you know sharks kill more people than vending machines?

I don't think a shark has ever killed a vending machine.

Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach

Because all of the sharks are busy being on TV.

What Do You Call a Burger Made by a Hammerhead Shark Man

a BigMaccus

God asked Adam to name the animals

Adam began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig…”

Then God said, “You must name the sea animals, too”

Adam was tired already, so he said, “Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

What does a shark call a school of fish?

Snackademia

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?

He didn’t have a leg to stand on

Two sharks are swimming in the sea...

One shark sees a school of sardines, and says "bro you hungry?" and the other shark says "nah, I'm good. You go for it." So the first shark swims right into the sardines, and nom-nom-noms on hundreds of the little fishes. Minutes later, the shark curls up in pain. "Oooh, aaaagh, uuuurgh...." the sec...

Who delivers presents to sharks on Christmas?

Santa Jaws

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough...

For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.

I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

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The Baby Shark

(My Greek Grandmother use to tell me this joke as a kid its awfully dry but when you get older you laugh at how stupid it is haha hope you enjoy)

One day the baby Shark went with his father to learn how to catch food,

First the Father taught the baby how to catch a Fish by just out sw...

I was on the beach with my ex-wife.

She said, "Why don't you go out for a swim in the water?"


"I'm not going out there," I said. "There are man-eating sharks out there."


She said, "You'll be fine then."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dad and son shark are swimming along Bondi Beach, when they spot a group of humans swimming.

The dad shark turns to his son says "look son we're going to attack that group of humans, we're going to go in and circle them once then return" the son shark nods and follows his dad.

They swim in closer and circle the humans then return back to the same spot.

The dad shark says "ok...

Why don't sharks eat more than one dentist at a time?

They're filling.

"Have you ever cheated on me?"

An old married couple was sitting on a bench in a park. They have seen plenty of struggles and success in their long life together, and now were enjoying retirement.

"I have been faithful to you all these years, darling", the man continued, "I have sometimes wondered about your loyalty, but I...

What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

A mouth full of seamen.

What is similar between Sharks and Humans?

The Great ones are always white.