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Shark Jokes

shark

what did the shark say when he ate the clownfish

it tastes a bit funny

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

A shark could swim faster than me

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would be all come down to who is the better cyclist.

What do you get if you cross a shark with an octopus?

You get a call from the research ethics board and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

Shark Tank

*on Shark Tank*

Sharks: what's your idea?

Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses

Shark 1: I'm out

Shark 2: I'm out as well

Hammerhead shark: tell me more

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A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now ...

Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...

Why did the shark refuse to eat a lawyer?

Professional courtesy.

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A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why ...

They say cows kill more people than sharks.

I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.

Thankful shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns...

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.

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Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks?

Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.

Seriously though, fuck geese.

Why do sharks live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze

What does a shark call a jet-skier?

Fast food. (I’m so sorry)

Why is pineapple a shark's favorite fruit?

It makes the sea men taste nicer.

There's a statistic that says hippos kill more people every year than sharks.

Makes sense. It seems very unlikely for a hippo to find a shark in the savanah.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

What is the difference between the tooth fairy and a loan shark?

The first one takes your tooth and leaves money on your pillow, and the second takes your money and leaves your tooth on your pillow.

A computer scientist was once offered the opportunity to feed a shark.

He turned it down, because he did not want to RISC losing his ARM.

What kind of shark only hunts people?

A loan shark!!

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(NSFW) What does a shark call his dick?

Megladong

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

yes, sharks can outswim you.

but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who's the faster cyclist.

A shark walks into a bar and the barman says

Would you like a bite to eat?

Shark replies “sure who’s on the menu”?

doctor: you've been bitten by a radioactive shark me: so i'm gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs...

me: just like a shark.

Which are a shark's two favorite words?

Man overboard!

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A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

What Does a Shark Call a Surfboard

A serve board.

Why is a seal with just one fin safe to swim in shark infested waters?

Like everyone else, sharks know that if the seal is broken the food isn't safe to consume!

Today is baby shark day!

Because today is, baby shark 2-22-22.

Mike Tyson vs a Shark for shark week isn’t fair

I mean one is a finely tuned killing machine notorious for biting its prey but the other is a shark

If a shark approached you at sea, you can gently push it away only twice,

Once with each hand.

What is a shark attack survivor's favorite coffee?

Half-caf. I'll see myself out.

Why did the shark eat a pineapple before attacking the sailor?

Pineapple makes seamen taste better

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Why do sharks circle people befor they eat them?

Because people taste better without shit in them....

Why did the shark eat the clock?

He was just killing time

Last night I thought I was being attacked by a shark

Don’t worry, it was only a bream

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

Why do sharks have teeth?

For eating porpoises.

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What did the shark say to the sexy seal?

Damn, you’re a snack

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

How much RAM does a great white shark have?

A killer-bite.

Whats do you call soft tissue between a sharks teeth ?

A slow swimmer.

help shark

The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "help shark help shark"

i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead

It is Summer - down at the beach today a guy was yelling "Help, shark, HELP"!!

I had to laugh because I know for a fact that the shark was not going to help him...

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea, but I wouldn’t try milking it.

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A surfer gets attacked by a shark. He wakes up in hospital to see his penis fully bandaged



\- Doctor, what is wrong with my penis?

\- You had an accident. A shark bit you.

\- It bit my penis off??

\- No, no, thank God, no! It just bit off the tip. We managed to save most of it.

\- How much did it bite off?

\- Well.. you had a tattoo there?
...

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Daddy shark was teaching his son how to hunt...

"You see those humans over there son..."
"Yes Dad, shall we attack them by surprise?"
"No son, first we circle round them for about ten minutes..."
"But dad... why? I'm hungry!"
"Well son, they taste better without any shit in them..."

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said

Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

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Dad shark is explaining to his son shark what to do when he comes across a human in the ocean.

"First you circle around him two times from the right side then another two times from the left.Then you circle around him three times from the right side then three times from the left.And after that you eat him".Now say it back to me."First you circle around him two times from the right side,one t...

Why was baby shark not allowed to be an altar boy?

Because its mouth has too many teeth to doo doo doo.

Did you know that when a shark has a stroke...

it can smell toast from up to fifty miles away?

What type of shark would you find in a Home Depot?

A hammerhead shark!

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Papa shark is teaching baby shark how to eat humans

"First you sneak up underneath, slowly make your way closer, you want to circle around the human about 3 or 4 times... and then BAAAAAAMMM"

Baby shark replies " but papa, why do I have to swim around him that many times, why can't I just swim right at him?"

Papa shark says "first you n...

Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?

Man 1: No, shark attack.

What does a shark and a computer have in common?

They both have megabites

What do you call a half European shark?

Fin-ish

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I once tried to have sex with a great white shark, but lost my erection

my leg, and half my arse.

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Mama shark and baby shark

One day the mama shark decided that it was time to teach her baby how to hunt for food. She spots a cruise ship pulling into port and soon after the people are beginning to play in the water. Mama shark tells her baby "See those people in the water? I want you to go over there and swim three circles...

What do you call a Hammerhead Shark who's operating a Drill Rig?

A Flathead Screw driver.

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