UPJOKE
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Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

What's a skeleton's least favourite room in a house?

The living room

Skeleton jokes

I used to have a skeleton of jokes, now my supply is bone dry. Guess I wasn’t that femurous.

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

What is a skeletons favorite food?

Bonemeal

Why could the skeleton not rob the bank?

He could not find the guts.

Why are skeletons such bad liars?

You can see right through them.

A skeleton walks into a bar,

Asks for a pitcher of beer and a mop.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

What do skeletons invest in?

Crypt-ocurrency

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson?

“I’m BONE to be wild!”

Why did the skeleton go to the partyy?

He was hoping to get boned

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had no body to go with.

Skeleton reporters have risen from the dead.

They bring grave news.

How do skeletons fix their drinks?

By sternum.

Which do you call a skeleton's hunger?

Bone-appetite

What is a skeletons favorite snack?

Ribs.

My son wanted me to post this one too!

Happy Halloween!

A museum tour guide told his visitor group that their T-Rex skeleton was 65,000,023 years old.

When one of the visitors asked how they knew the skeleton's age so precisely, he replied that it was 65 million years old when he started working there 23 years ago.

I would make a skeleton joke but..

It wouldn’t be very humerus

Today I learned skeletons are actually barred from joining NASA

Apperantly the job takes guts.

A skeleton did stand up.

His routine was quite humerus.

Why is the skeleton so timid?

He doesn’t have the guts to speak up

Why are skeletons bad at high-stress jobs?

Because they’re easily rattled!

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The grim sweeper

I saw a skeleton being yelled at by his girlfriend. I was surprised to see that he was calm.

When I asked him how he could stay so calm, he said, “Nothing can get under my skin.”

(Little Halloween joke for y’all!)

Why are skeletons always scared?

Because they have no guts!

A skeleton knocks on a doctor's door

It's 2am, and when the doctor opens the door, still in his pajamas, he takes one look at the skeleton and says:

It's a bit too late for that, don't you think?

The skeleton asks the mummy

"What music do you listen to?"

The mummy replies, "wrap".

A skeleton is waiting to see a doctor.

The doctor walks in, spots the skeleton, and says “Ah, Mister Johnson! I haven’t seen you since we misplaced your femur! How are you doing?”

The skeleton sighs and replies “Honestly doctor, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.”

A joke as told to me verbatim by my 4yo son: What's a Skeleton's favorite instrument to play?

A TromBONE!
Haha, Get it, Daddy? Because skeletons are made out of *BONES!* HA HA HA!

Me: DOOT DOOT!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 students at a high school get into trouble and are put on detention after school.

But instead of just sitting in a classroom they are tasked with helping the school Janitor clean the school basement.

So they set about clearing the basement. They find loads of old junk, which had accumulated over the 80 years the school had been open.

After about an hour of movi...

I live next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics...

I bet you they have a few skeletons in the cupboard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats a skeleton’s favorite porn category

Eboney

What is a comedic skeleton's best asset?

His humerus.

How much did the skeleton Weigh?

A ton. A Skeleton.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A skeleton is walking into a bar.

He says to the bartender: "Damn you're very hot!"


The bartender replied: "Damn you're are quite a boner!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the skeleton know it was going to rain?

He read the weather forecast you fucking idiot, what do you think?

There are no skeletons in my closet.

The bodies haven't decomposed yet.

Do you guys wanna hear a skeleton joke?

Never mind. I don’t have the guts to tell one.

What's a skeleton's favorite dinner?

Ribs

How do you keep a skeleton from joking?

Take away his funny bone.

How do skeletons get COVID?

From the coffin!

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

Why did the wither skeleton fail his test?

Because his answers were netherrite.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Skeleton.

Skeleton who?

Why’d you ask when there’s nobody there?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a skeleton’s favourite instrument?

If you were thinking a tromBONE you were wrong - they have no lungs! Obviously it’s a xyloBONE!

(Probably a really crappy joke but I came up with it last night and thought to post it here)

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

Why are cavemen afraid of skeletons?

Sticks and stones can't break their bones...

Thanks ladies and gentlemen...my 8 year old will be here all week...

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone-Appetit!

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Crippling depression.

What do skeletons use to mug people?

A shoulder blade

What did the skeleton say before dinner?

BONE appetit. His whole family found that HUMERUS.

Why does a skeleton upvote every cake day post?

Cause it was his DOOT-ty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do skeletons have sex?

They bone each other.

Why it's impossible for skeletons to create a Choir

They don't have the organs.

What did the incomplete skeleton say to the restaurant waiter?

"Got any spare ribs?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the person with necrophilia get when he saw a skeleton?

A boner

Do you want to here a joke about skeletons? No?

Whatever, it's not that humorous.

Why does the skeleton go to church?

It keeps him on the straight and marrow.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?

You might think it's because he has no body to go with, but in reality it's just because he's dead.

What room can't a skeleton enter?

The living room.

How much does a skeleton weigh?

One skeleTON


I may have heard this before. Just call me out on where it’s been and I’ll take this down.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's bad for the environment.

Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key?

A shitty lock.

What do skeletons use for the roofs of their houses?

Shin-gles.

While we were in coitus, a skeleton fell from the chandelier (nsfw)

Well that certainly bones the mood

what did the skeleton say to his enemy

I've got a *bone* to pick with you

l asked my wife to rate my listening skills…

l asked my wife to rate my listening
skills and she said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."

I still don't get why she wanted me to
urinate on a skeleton.

Why did the skeleton get in a bar fight?

Because he couldn’t hold his liquor.

Why don't skeletons play music in church?

Because they don't have any organs!

What is a skeletons favorite board game?

Tibial Pursuit

What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

Last year's hide and go seek winner.

An ode to Red Skeleton (for those of us old enough to have heard of him)

A boy comes over to his father one day, and says "Daddy! Is it true that we come from dust?" "Yes, that's true, son" says the father. "And daddy," continues the boy "is it true that when we die we go back to being dust?" "Yes, that's also true son" says the Daddy.
"If that's the case, Daddy, then...

How much storage does a skeleton have in his computer?

One terrorbyte

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

Why do skeletons hate Halloween party’s?

They have no-body to dance with

What do you call a skeleton in a fedora?

Indiana Bones.

Where does a necromancer get skeletons?

He works his zombies to the bone.

Do you want to see my skeleton collection?

I currently only have 1, and I'm not looking to expand.

How do the French study the skeleton?

They take your Bonaparte.

I find it wild that people would use cleaning products on their skeletons.

But to bleach their bone, I guess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fuck is wrong with Napoleon's skeleton?

Sorry. There's a bone apart.

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