Been getting into snail racing

You know, snail racing!

You draw a small ring inside larger ring and everyone puts their snail inside the small ring and the first snail to reach the outer ring wins!

Been losing alot latley and been trying everything to make my snail faster, even tried taking off his shell.

But...

What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.
The other is slugging a bug

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Why do the French eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

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A snail saves the day

A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said:

“Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?”

The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little...

The other day I was organising snail races

They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?

A snail walks into a bar

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”.... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f...

A snail goes to the police station to report a robbery.

He was robbed in broad daylight by two turtles. The investigator says,”start from the beginning and tell me what happened”, and the snail says,”I don’t know, everything happened so fast.”

A snail saw a slug looking sad whilst watching a couple of beetles scurrying about having fun.

"What's up mate, life in the slow lane getting you down?", asked the snail.

The slug just looked at him and replied, "No. Surely it's obvious why I'm so down? I've had my home repossessed!"

What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle?

Weeeeeee!

An old snail walks into a car dealership

An old snail walks into a car dealership and tells the salesman he's looking for the flashiest, most expensive sports car he's got. The old snail explains he's been working hard and saving his whole life and this car is to be his reward.

The salesman is thrilled and shows the old snail a brig...

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You didn't expect a snail joke, but here it is.

**God:** To each of man and woman, I bestow a way to sexually reproduce with distinct organs, the act of which will give them the ability to express love and gain from it the nectar of pure pleasure.

**Angel:** And what about snails?

**God:** Snails can go fuck themselves.

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar.

The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.

Two snails meet. One says to the other: “What’s that bruise you’ve got there?”

“Oh, I just went jogging, and a mushroom shot out the ground!”

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow.

So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.


When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.


The spectators marveled "Wow, look ...

So a snail goes to a car dealership

and requests the fastest sports car the dealer has to offer. The car dealer points him to a brand new red race car, fastest in the market. The snail is ecstatic and buys it, telling the car dealer he'll be back tomorrow to pick it up.

"But before I do pick it up," says the snail, "I'd like a ...

After a snail was beaten up by two turtles,

its friends were looking for
revenge, so they wanted to know,
"Did you get a good look at the turtles
who did this to you?"

"No," the snail answered, "it all
happened so fast."

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A man and his wife, who live on the beach, decide they want to have sea snails for dinner

The man is sent off to go and get some fresh from the beach. While he is collecting them, a gorgeous woman who is jogging along the beach stops and starts flirting with him. After chatting for a bit, he ends up going back to her place for a marathon of sex and completely loses track of time.
...

Miss Obama stepped on a snail. What did the snail say?

MESHELL!

What did the sloth say when he was mugged by a bunch of snails ?

"it all happened so fast!"

A bloke is sent by his wife to get snails to make escargot...

"I expect ya back in an hour as the bread's already bakin' and the wine's already breathin' on the table" says his wife .

The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ...

Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle?

So when he drove by people would say "look at that S car go!"

I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off...

But that made him a little more sluggish.

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

A snail goes to a car meet.

A snail goes to a car meet.
Another snail goes up to him and says
"Sweet ride, is this yours?"
1st snail responds
"naw, it was my friend's. He passed away last year."
2nd snail says.
"Damn, my condolences. He has great taste though. "
1st snail then says
"yeah, escargots 0...

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

Why are French snails faster than snails from other countries?

L’ess cargo.

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

How do snails fight?

They slug it out.

A man opened a snail farm.

He said that it is a slow moving business

Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle

and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"

A snail crawls into a Tesla dealership...

A salesman asks how he can help. The snail says, "I want a Model S."

The salesman scoffs and says, "You're a *snail.* Why would you want a Tesla Model S?"

The snail sadly replies, "Nobody ever pays attention or even notices me. I can't seem to make friends or meet girls. I figure i...

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

What do you call a snail’s luggage?

Its cargo

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

What do snails say when they gave way to traffic?

Yescargot

I bought a racing snail

I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it's shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.

It didn't work, it became more sluggish.

Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound?

To make the Eschar go!

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

TIL there more slugs in the world than snails because slugs...

...don't wear protection.

Stanley the snail

There is this Snail named Stanley.
On his 16th birthday he asks his dad for a new car
His dad says “yeah ok you’ve been a good snail”
So they go to the car dealership and they pick out a bright red sports car. But Stanley wants more, he wants everyone to think ,”that’s Stanley’s car” So ...

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A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door

The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers. The snail says, "Yo! What the fuck was that about?"

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I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot.

I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"

He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".

So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door.

He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.

Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".

You’d think that snails would be faster without their shells.

They actually become more sluggish.

What do you call a snail that smokes weed?

A trailblazer.

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What did the slug say to the other slug when he saw the snail?



"Shit, he's wearing a backpack. Get off the train!"

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

What does a snail wear?

Escargot pants

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad.

The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"

The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("

Two snails talk to each other. After some time one of them says:"I'm going to the grocery store, should I bring you something?"

the other one says: "Yes, please, I would like an ice cream"


The snail makes his way to the store, he returns after two days and says: " Sorry I forgot to ask you which flavour you want."

What do you do if you see two snails fighting

Nothing, just let them slug it out

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails.

The snails take his wallet and leave. The sloth regains his composure and goes straight to the police station.

The police officer says, "can you describe the gang for us?"

The sloth says, "I don't know. ...

Where do you find giant snails?

On giant's fingers


I'll see myself out

What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife

Sorry but i love Michelle.

A snail goes into a Ferrari dealership and buys a car, he then asks them to paint a giant letter "S" on the side. When asked why, he says

When I'm driving around everyone will say, "Wow, look at that S car go!"

It was the day of my anniversary, and I had forgotten to buy my wife a present.

In a panic, I told her that my gift was that I would cook her whatever she wanted for dinner. She said she'd always wanted to try escargot, a fancy French dish made of snails and she wanted me to go out and buy them. So I went out and bought a bag of snails, but it was early in the evening so I thou...

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

So a snail walks into a car shop...

So a snail walks into a car shop and buys a fancy sports car. He asks the painter to put a big S on the front, the back, and both sides. The painter asks why and the snail replies, “so when I drive past people they can say ‘“look at that escargot!’”

Why does a snail never sell its home?

Because once they sell it, it goes into escargot.

Why are snails allowed on ships?

Escargot.

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

A girl named Sophie was walking down the street when she noticed a snail.

She stopped to look at the snail, but the snail started to speak. She was frightened at first but after a little conversation she calmed down. She started to like the snail and asked if he wanted to go back to her house. There they really started to connect. After a few hours, the snail asked her to...

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

One day a snail goes to the dealership

The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and the snail says he doesn’t care what car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.
The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, “Would it be possible to get the letter ‘S’ painted onto a...

Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages???

Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.

Life at a snail’s pace

One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop.
Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door.
He opens to find the same snail.
“What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells.

20 years ago I used to be excited to receive an email, but hated getting snail mail.

Now I'm excited to receive snail mail and hate getting emails.

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A man's wife was heavily pregnant

and had started to get a lot of weird food cravings. One afternoon she said to her husband "I'm really peckish and would love some escargot.. Can you run down to the deli and pick up some snails for me"

The man dutifully agrees and walks down to the deli and gets a box of snails. On the way b...

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I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story. One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but...

I used to know a French guy who kept snails in his pants...

..he called them "escargot shorts."

I wanted to help my pet snail.

He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.

You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck?

He couldn't make 'is car go

[long] A snail in a fast car

By some quirk of fortune a snail gained sentience and ended up winning the lottery. With his new found wealth he was pondering what to do so he hatched a plan. He headed off down to his nearest Porsche dealership and when he arrived 2 weeks later he crawled up to the salesman.

"excuse me" the...

Snails.

A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says “this is the last one that’s built for sp...

I used to race snails when I was younger...

... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.

A snail walks into a bar and the bar tender says "We dont serve your kind here!" Then tosses him out the door. 2 weeks later the snail comes back...

And says "Hey what was that for?"

Once, A snail made its way to a car dealership

In the car dealership, the salesperson asked what kind of car he wanted. The snail didn't specify any colors, brand, or design because all he wanted was a very fast car. However, the snail did have one odd request. The snail wanted a giant letter "S" painted on each side of the car. When the salespe...

The snails

One evening, a lady sends her husband to get snails for dinner. The man picks up the snails but realises that his girlfriend's house is closeby and decided to pay a visit for a small session. This ends up becoming a steamy event that goes all night long. The man wakes up in the morning in a panic an...

The snails are coming! The snails are coming!

Walk! Walk for your lives!

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

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