Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

What do you call a snail’s luggage?

Its cargo

The other day I was organising snail races

They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish

Why are French snails faster than snails from other countries?

L’ess cargo.

A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar.

The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife, who live on the beach, decide they want to have sea snails for dinner

The man is sent off to go and get some fresh from the beach. While he is collecting them, a gorgeous woman who is jogging along the beach stops and starts flirting with him. After chatting for a bit, he ends up going back to her place for a marathon of sex and completely loses track of time.
...

Why did the snail paint a big “S” on his car?

Because he wanted people to say look at that S car go when he rolled by.

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

Two snails meet. One says to the other: “What’s that bruise you’ve got there?”

“Oh, I just went jogging, and a mushroom shot out the ground!”

Two turtles rob a snail

When the cops asked him what happened, He said: "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

There once was a man who collected and raced snails.

He believed he knew how to make his snails fast enough to consistently win their races.

One night, he took two snails to the track he used for racing them, and removed one's shell, hoping it would give it the edge.

However, the snail with its shell removed was almost twice as slow as t...

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow.

So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.


When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.


The spectators marveled "Wow, look ...

A man opened a snail farm.

He said that it is a slow moving business

Why don't americans eat snails?

Because they like fast food.

Snailed it...

A boy was sitting on his couch and he noticed a snail crawling near his feet, he picked up the snail and threw it out of his door as far as he could.

Two years later....

There was a knock on his front door he opened it and found the same snail outside asking him..



"What...

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

What do snails say when they gave way to traffic?

Yescargot

Miss Obama stepped on a snail. What did the snail say?

MESHELL!

I bought a racing snail

I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it's shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.

It didn't work, it became more sluggish.

A guy throws a snail...

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. 

A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”

Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle

and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"

A Snail Picnic

A group of snails decided one day to have a picnic.

Each snail was in charge of bringing certain things. One snail had the bread, one snail had the wine, and one snail had the cheese.

The snails set off on their long 5 day journey to the picnic location. By the time they got there it...

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

What did the sloth say when he was mugged by a bunch of snails ?

"it all happened so fast!"

If you’re still in the mood for snail jokes:

A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back. The host asks him, "And what are you?" The man says "I'm a snail." The host says, "And who's that on your back?" and the man says, "That's Michelle!"

Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound?

To make the Eschar go!

Stanley the snail

There is this Snail named Stanley.
On his 16th birthday he asks his dad for a new car
His dad says “yeah ok you’ve been a good snail”
So they go to the car dealership and they pick out a bright red sports car. But Stanley wants more, he wants everyone to think ,”that’s Stanley’s car” So ...

A snail crawls into a Tesla dealership...

A salesman asks how he can help. The snail says, "I want a Model S."

The salesman scoffs and says, "You're a *snail.* Why would you want a Tesla Model S?"

The snail sadly replies, "Nobody ever pays attention or even notices me. I can't seem to make friends or meet girls. I figure i...

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A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door

The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers. The snail says, "Yo! What the fuck was that about?"

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

You’d think that snails would be faster without their shells.

They actually become more sluggish.

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails.

The snails take his wallet and leave. The sloth regains his composure and goes straight to the police station.

The police officer says, "can you describe the gang for us?"

The sloth says, "I don't know. ...

TIL there more slugs in the world than snails because slugs...

...don't wear protection.

How do snails fight?

They slug it out.

So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door.

He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.

Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the slug say to the other slug when he saw the snail?



"Shit, he's wearing a backpack. Get off the train!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot.

I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"

He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".

What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife

Sorry but i love Michelle.

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

What do you call a snail that smokes weed?

A trailblazer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife was heavily pregnant

and had started to get a lot of weird food cravings. One afternoon she said to her husband "I'm really peckish and would love some escargot.. Can you run down to the deli and pick up some snails for me"

The man dutifully agrees and walks down to the deli and gets a box of snails. On the way b...

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

What does a snail wear?

Escargot pants

A snail goes into a Ferrari dealership and buys a car, he then asks them to paint a giant letter "S" on the side. When asked why, he says

When I'm driving around everyone will say, "Wow, look at that S car go!"

A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad.

The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"

The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("

I saw a snail creeping slowly across the ground.

I thought if I remove his shell, he could move faster. But it only made him more sluggish.

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

Two snails talk to each other. After some time one of them says:"I'm going to the grocery store, should I bring you something?"

the other one says: "Yes, please, I would like an ice cream"


The snail makes his way to the store, he returns after two days and says: " Sorry I forgot to ask you which flavour you want."

Why does a snail never sell its home?

Because once they sell it, it goes into escargot.

A girl named Sophie was walking down the street when she noticed a snail.

She stopped to look at the snail, but the snail started to speak. She was frightened at first but after a little conversation she calmed down. She started to like the snail and asked if he wanted to go back to her house. There they really started to connect. After a few hours, the snail asked her to...

What do you do if you see two snails fighting

Nothing, just let them slug it out

Where do you find giant snails?

On giant's fingers


I'll see myself out

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

So a snail walks into a car shop...

So a snail walks into a car shop and buys a fancy sports car. He asks the painter to put a big S on the front, the back, and both sides. The painter asks why and the snail replies, “so when I drive past people they can say ‘“look at that escargot!’”

A slug has died after his girlfriend left him for a larger snail...

His homies said he was salty.

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages???

Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.

Life at a snail’s pace

One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop.
Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door.
He opens to find the same snail.
“What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells.

20 years ago I used to be excited to receive an email, but hated getting snail mail.

Now I'm excited to receive snail mail and hate getting emails.

Why are snails allowed on ships?

Escargot.

I was sitting at home watching tv,

and I heard a knock on the door. So I went to open the door and saw a snail. I thought, “wtf?”, picked it up and threw it as far as I could.

3 years later I heard another knock on the door. I opened it and saw a snail again. He shouted “WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!”

One day a snail goes to the dealership

The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and the snail says he doesn’t care what car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.
The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, “Would it be possible to get the letter ‘S’ painted onto a...

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

I wanted to help my pet snail.

He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.

You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck?

He couldn't make 'is car go

The snails

One evening, a lady sends her husband to get snails for dinner. The man picks up the snails but realises that his girlfriend's house is closeby and decided to pay a visit for a small session. This ends up becoming a steamy event that goes all night long. The man wakes up in the morning in a panic an...

Snails.

A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says “this is the last one that’s built for sp...

[long] A snail in a fast car

By some quirk of fortune a snail gained sentience and ended up winning the lottery. With his new found wealth he was pondering what to do so he hatched a plan. He headed off down to his nearest Porsche dealership and when he arrived 2 weeks later he crawled up to the salesman.

"excuse me" the...

John and his wife, Michelle, went to a costume party.

John walks in with his wife riding on his back, and after a few minutes, a man approaches him, asking "What are you supposed to be?"

"A snail..." he responded.

"Who's that on your back then?" the man said.

"That's Michelle."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story. One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but...

A snail went to a car dealership

A snail went to a car dealership to buy a new ride.  The snail told the dealer she wanted the red one but before she bought the car, she wanted the dealer to paint the letter S on both the doors and the hood. 
 
The dealer was confused and asked, “S for Snail?” 
 
She replied, “No.  I ju...

I used to race snails when I was younger...

... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.

Once, A snail made its way to a car dealership

In the car dealership, the salesperson asked what kind of car he wanted. The snail didn't specify any colors, brand, or design because all he wanted was a very fast car. However, the snail did have one odd request. The snail wanted a giant letter "S" painted on each side of the car. When the salespe...

The snails are coming! The snails are coming!

Walk! Walk for your lives!

So a snail walks into a car dealership..

He goes up to the dealer and he says, "Alright, I want it cherry red, with white-walls, and leather seats, and I want a *big* 'S' painted on the the side." After he rings it the dealer looks at him and he says "I understand white-walls and leather seats, but why the letter 'S' on the side? "Well" th...

What did the snail say on the turtle’s back?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

Snail hunting

This is an old joke my father used to tell me.

A German, Spaniard, and Frenchman all decide to go snail hunting. After an hour had passed they meet back together to compare their catch. The German had a full bucket and the Spaniard had half a bucket, but the Frenchman's bucket was empty. ...

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