Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

My pet tortoise got mugged by 3 snails.

When he was interviewed by the police, He said ' I don't know, it happened so fast'

What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.
The other is slugging a bug

What did a snail say to another snail when he wanted to leave the party?

We should slowly get going.

Why did it take an hour for the snail to touch my foot?

It was a slow poke.

A tortoise is crossing the road when he is robbed by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask the tortoise if he can identify the culprits.
The tortoise, still shaking from the incident, cries ‘It all happened so fast!’.

In hopes of making my racing snail faster, I removed its shell.

But it only became more sluggish

What does a Spanish speaking person say when you ask him what is in his container full of snails?

Es Cargo!

What's the difference between a snail's eye and a slug's eye?

Nothing... they're eye-tentacle.

Three snails were drinking at a bar. One of the snails got up to buy chewing gum at the store. He asked his snail friends if they wanted some gum too. They said yes.

3 years passed. One of the snail friends said ”he still hasn’t returned, we might as well drink his beer”. Suddenly a voice from the door yelled, ”if you touch my beer, I won’t be buying you guys any chewing gum!”.

A snail went to the police station

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged

When he got to the front desk he said

“ excuse me officer but I have been mugged by 2 tortoises “”

The officer said

“ can you describe the incident “

The snail said

“ no officer sorry , ...

Two snails were chatting.

Snail One: I had to have my shell removed today.

Snail Two: So how are you finding it.?

Snail One: I feel a bit sluggish.

Why do French people eat snails?

They don't like fast food.

You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster.

But it only makes them more sluggish.

A tortoise was crossing the road, when two snails mugged him.

The police arrived and asked what the muggers looked like.

Shaken, the tortoise said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"

A snail shop owner was attacked by a turtle gang. The police asked if he could describe the perpetrators, he said

I don't know, it happened so fast.

A snail walks into a bar

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”.... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f...

This guy hears a knock. Opens his door and looks down, and he sees a snail.

Snail says, “Hello, sir, I was wondering if -“

The guy interrupts the snail and says, “Get lost!” and kicks the snail across the yard, and goes back inside.

Seven months later, the guy hears a knock. Open his door looks down, and sees the snail.

Snail says:

“What the he...

What happens when you take the shell away from a snail?

It becomes sluggish

Snail and the Tortoise

Once a tortoise and a snail bumped into each other.
The snail was profusely injured and was taken to the hospital emergency.
When the snail was in a position to talk, he was surrounded by members of the press asking him
"Mr. Snail, could ypu please tell us how this happened?".
The snail...

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A snail saves the day

A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table. Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said:

“Guys, I’m hungry. Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?”

The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little...

A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number.

"Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked.

"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"

Been getting into snail racing

You know, snail racing!

You draw a small ring inside larger ring and everyone puts their snail inside the small ring and the first snail to reach the outer ring wins!

Been losing alot latley and been trying everything to make my snail faster, even tried taking off his shell.

But...

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow.

So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.


When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.


The spectators marveled "Wow, look ...

Two snails meet. One says to the other: “What’s that bruise you’ve got there?”

“Oh, I just went jogging, and a mushroom shot out the ground!”

Why are there more slugs in the world than snails?

Because slugs don't wear protection.

What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?

Es Cargo.

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.

When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

A man is sitting down for his dinner.

He hears a knock at the door. And as he lives in quite a rural area there doesn't tend to be that many visitors, so he was quite taken aback. As he opened the door, he looked round everywhere but there was no one there. He was very confused. But then looking down on the floor, he saw a snail and thr...

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You didn't expect a snail joke, but here it is.

**God:** To each of man and woman, I bestow a way to sexually reproduce with distinct organs, the act of which will give them the ability to express love and gain from it the nectar of pure pleasure.

**Angel:** And what about snails?

**God:** Snails can go fuck themselves.

What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle?

Weeeeeee!

An old snail walks into a car dealership

An old snail walks into a car dealership and tells the salesman he's looking for the flashiest, most expensive sports car he's got. The old snail explains he's been working hard and saving his whole life and this car is to be his reward.

The salesman is thrilled and shows the old snail a brig...

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

A snail saw a slug looking sad whilst watching a couple of beetles scurrying about having fun.

"What's up mate, life in the slow lane getting you down?", asked the snail.

The slug just looked at him and replied, "No. Surely it's obvious why I'm so down? I've had my home repossessed!"

How do snails fight?

They slug it out.

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

Miss Obama stepped on a snail. What did the snail say?

MESHELL!

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.

Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

Two snails are sitting on the back of a turtle

and one snail turns to the other and says "Hold on, friend. Here we go!"

The other day I was organising snail races

They were moving really slow. Then I thought if I remove their shells then they would go faster, but if anything they were more sluggish

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

A Jellyfish, a Snake and a Snail walk into a bar.

The Jellyfish says, “This is impossible”.

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A man and his wife, who live on the beach, decide they want to have sea snails for dinner

The man is sent off to go and get some fresh from the beach. While he is collecting them, a gorgeous woman who is jogging along the beach stops and starts flirting with him. After chatting for a bit, he ends up going back to her place for a marathon of sex and completely loses track of time.
...

A snail crawls into a Tesla dealership...

A salesman asks how he can help. The snail says, "I want a Model S."

The salesman scoffs and says, "You're a *snail.* Why would you want a Tesla Model S?"

The snail sadly replies, "Nobody ever pays attention or even notices me. I can't seem to make friends or meet girls. I figure i...

A man opened a snail farm.

He said that it is a slow moving business

Snailed it...

A boy was sitting on his couch and he noticed a snail crawling near his feet, he picked up the snail and threw it out of his door as far as he could.

Two years later....

There was a knock on his front door he opened it and found the same snail outside asking him..



"What...

A bloke is sent by his wife to get snails to make escargot...

"I expect ya back in an hour as the bread's already bakin' and the wine's already breathin' on the table" says his wife .

The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ...

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

Why are French snails faster than snails from other countries?

L’ess cargo.

After a snail was beaten up by two turtles,

its friends were looking for
revenge, so they wanted to know,
"Did you get a good look at the turtles
who did this to you?"

"No," the snail answered, "it all
happened so fast."

Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound?

To make the Eschar go!

I bought a racing snail

I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it's shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.

It didn't work, it became more sluggish.

What do you call a snail’s luggage?

Its cargo

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

I once had a racing snail that couldn’t win a race for love nor money so to help I took his shell off...

But that made him a little more sluggish.

A snail goes to a car meet.

A snail goes to a car meet.
Another snail goes up to him and says
"Sweet ride, is this yours?"
1st snail responds
"naw, it was my friend's. He passed away last year."
2nd snail says.
"Damn, my condolences. He has great taste though. "
1st snail then says
"yeah, escargots 0...

As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

Why did the frenchman put snails in his gas tank?

Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank?




He thought it would make escargot (his car go)

So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door.

He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.

Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

A Snail Picnic

A group of snails decided one day to have a picnic.

Each snail was in charge of bringing certain things. One snail had the bread, one snail had the wine, and one snail had the cheese.

The snails set off on their long 5 day journey to the picnic location. By the time they got there it...

Stanley the snail

There is this Snail named Stanley.
On his 16th birthday he asks his dad for a new car
His dad says “yeah ok you’ve been a good snail”
So they go to the car dealership and they pick out a bright red sports car. But Stanley wants more, he wants everyone to think ,”that’s Stanley’s car” So ...

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I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot.

I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"

He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A snail takes for ever to cross the street and finally knocks on a guy's door

The guy answers, sees the snail, picks it up and throws it far away. Two years later the snail returns, knocks again and the guy answers. The snail says, "Yo! What the fuck was that about?"

What do you call a snail that smokes weed?

A trailblazer.

Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle?

So when he drove by people would say "look at that S car go!"

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

Any great and funny jokes like this one for my 8 year old granddaughter?

She loves this one:

A guy is sitting in his living room, hears a knock at the door. Gets up and opens the door, no one there. Looks down and sees a snail on the doormat. Being a guy, of course he picks it up and throws it across the street.
Six months later, the guy is in his living room,...

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the slug say to the other slug when he saw the snail?



"Shit, he's wearing a backpack. Get off the train!"

A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad.

The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"

The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("

What do you do if you see two snails fighting

Nothing, just let them slug it out

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails.

The snails take his wallet and leave. The sloth regains his composure and goes straight to the police station.

The police officer says, "can you describe the gang for us?"

The sloth says, "I don't know. ...

Where do you find giant snails?

On giant's fingers


I'll see myself out

What did the snail tell the slug?

I love Michelle

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

What does a snail wear?

Escargot pants

Why are snails allowed on ships?

Escargot.

So a snail walks into a car shop...

So a snail walks into a car shop and buys a fancy sports car. He asks the painter to put a big S on the front, the back, and both sides. The painter asks why and the snail replies, “so when I drive past people they can say ‘“look at that escargot!’”

One day a snail goes to the dealership

The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and the snail says he doesn’t care what car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.
The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, “Would it be possible to get the letter ‘S’ painted onto a...

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

I wanted to help my pet snail.

He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.

What did the sea snail say to the other sea snail when be cracked his shell?

Sea-kelp! Sea-kelp!

Why does a snail never sell its home?

Because once they sell it, it goes into escargot.

A girl named Sophie was walking down the street when she noticed a snail.

She stopped to look at the snail, but the snail started to speak. She was frightened at first but after a little conversation she calmed down. She started to like the snail and asked if he wanted to go back to her house. There they really started to connect. After a few hours, the snail asked her to...

I used to race snails when I was younger...

... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.

Life at a snail’s pace

One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop.
Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door.
He opens to find the same snail.
“What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells.

[long] A snail in a fast car

By some quirk of fortune a snail gained sentience and ended up winning the lottery. With his new found wealth he was pondering what to do so he hatched a plan. He headed off down to his nearest Porsche dealership and when he arrived 2 weeks later he crawled up to the salesman.

"excuse me" the...

You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck?

He couldn't make 'is car go

Snails.

A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says “this is the last one that’s built for sp...

Once, A snail made its way to a car dealership

In the car dealership, the salesperson asked what kind of car he wanted. The snail didn't specify any colors, brand, or design because all he wanted was a very fast car. However, the snail did have one odd request. The snail wanted a giant letter "S" painted on each side of the car. When the salespe...

The snails

One evening, a lady sends her husband to get snails for dinner. The man picks up the snails but realises that his girlfriend's house is closeby and decided to pay a visit for a small session. This ends up becoming a steamy event that goes all night long. The man wakes up in the morning in a panic an...

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