As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell...

But they only became more sluggish

A snail was mugged by two turtles.

When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

So a snail walks into a car shop...

So a snail walks into a car shop and buys a fancy sports car. He asks the painter to put a big S on the front, the back, and both sides. The painter asks why and the snail replies, “so when I drive past people they can say ‘“look at that escargot!’”

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

A turtle and the snails

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Why don’t Americans eat snails?

We prefer fast food.

A snail is going somewhere...

...one day, when he comes upon a shiny metal object in his path. Undeterred, he climbs on it and goes on, when suddenly the object shakes and a blue being comes out of the smoke and proclaims, "I am the genie of this lamp, snail, and you have rubbed it by going across it. However, since your "rubbin...

Life at a snail’s pace

One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop.
Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door.
He opens to find the same snail.
“What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells.

I saw a snail struggling to get across the pavement so I took off his shell to see if it would speed him up.

But it only made him more sluggish.

How does a snail commit suicide?

He looks into the socket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

I took the shell of my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

A snail walks into a bar and the bar tender says "We dont serve your kind here!" Then tosses him out the door. 2 weeks later the snail comes back...

And says "Hey what was that for?"

Why do the French like to eat snails so much?

They can't stand fast food.

It's my first post on Reddit. Hope you like it.

Why are snails allowed on ships?

Escargot.

A snail took his car to a paint shop.

He had them paint a giant S on the side. When he was cruising down the street someone yelled out at him. "Look at that S car go!"

What do you do if you see two snails fighting

Nothing, just let them slug it out

The snails are coming! The snails are coming!

Walk! Walk for your lives!

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

What did the sloth say when it was mugged by a bunch of snails?

"It all happened so fast!"

A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back....

The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"...

A snail went to a car dealership

A snail went to a car dealership to buy a new ride.  The snail told the dealer she wanted the red one but before she bought the car, she wanted the dealer to paint the letter S on both the doors and the hood. 
 
The dealer was confused and asked, “S for Snail?” 
 
She replied, “No.  I ju...

One day a snail goes to the dealership

The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and the snail says he doesn’t care what car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.
The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, “Would it be possible to get the letter ‘S’ painted onto a...

You hear about the snail who had to call a tow truck?

He couldn't make 'is car go

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home from work in a bad mood

As soon as he settles down on his couch he hears a knock on the door. He begrudgingly gets up to answer the door but no one is there.
He slams it shut again and stomps back to the couch and right as he’s comfortable, he hears another knock. Furious, he opens the door only to see no one there onc...

I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.

I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.

Snails.

A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car, and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed. He slaps the roof of one, and says “this is the last one that’s built for sp...

What did the snail say on the turtle’s back?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

A snail walks into a car dealership

It takes a look at the new sportscar. The salesman says the snail would look pretty cool in the new sportscar and the snail agrees.
Salesman then asked the snail about option packages, rustproofing etc. The snail says no to everything offered, but says he wants one thing done to the car...to have...

I wanted to help my pet snail.

He was really slow like, so one day I took off his shell, thought it'd make him more streamlined. Turns out it didn't. It made him more sluggish.

[long] A snail in a fast car

By some quirk of fortune a snail gained sentience and ended up winning the lottery. With his new found wealth he was pondering what to do so he hatched a plan. He headed off down to his nearest Porsche dealership and when he arrived 2 weeks later he crawled up to the salesman.

"excuse me" the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story. One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but...

Did you all hear about the new snail racing league?

Yeah, it's called NASCARGOT

What did the snail say after he climbed onto the turtle's back?

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

courtesy of my dad who tells this joke to everyone he meets

Snail hunting

This is an old joke my father used to tell me.

A German, Spaniard, and Frenchman all decide to go snail hunting. After an hour had passed they meet back together to compare their catch. The German had a full bucket and the Spaniard had half a bucket, but the Frenchman's bucket was empty. ...

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

A snail goes to buy a car

He walks up to the salesman and says “I want a white car.” The salesman, a little puzzled, says “we have lots of white cars, would you like to look at anything specific?” The snail says “nothing in particular. Let’s try that one” as he points to the first white car he sees. After the test drive, he ...

So a snail walks into a car dealership..

He goes up to the dealer and he says, "Alright, I want it cherry red, with white-walls, and leather seats, and I want a *big* 'S' painted on the the side." After he rings it the dealer looks at him and he says "I understand white-walls and leather seats, but why the letter 'S' on the side? "Well" th...

Famous snails

"Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.”

“I know, one of them’s just been serving me.”

So a snail is shopping for a new car

After all the paperwork is in order and credit checks completed the salesman asks if he wants any extras

Snail: "Why yes I'd like you to paint an "S" on the drivers and passengers door."

Salesman: "Well we can certainly do that for you sir, do you mind if I ask why?"

Snail: "Tha...

A snail goes in to a car dealership

and asks the dealer as he's buying a lovely red speed demon..

"Before you deliver it to my house can you put a big 'S' on each door, one on the bonnet and one on the boot.

The dealer agrees but asks why.

"Well" the sail replys "when I drive down the road I want every one to say....

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

A snail came to my door

*Knock Knock*
"Hello?" I say
I see a snail, so I kick it off the porch and close the door and get back to what I was doing.
A few years later there's a knock on the door.
I open the door to see a snail.
"What the hell was that for?" It says.

I'm currently studying snails and slugs.

It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

A rich snail walks into a car dealership

The rich snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing Mercedes, Ferraris, Bugattis, and tons of other high end cars he decides on one.

So the rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships auto body guy and says "I want you to paint big S's all the this car, bi...

A snail bought a Tesla Model S

The snail then took off driving at a high rate of speed. As he sped past a famous French restaurant, the chef exclaimed, "Wow, look at that S car go".

What did the snail paint a big S on his car?

So everyone else can watch the s-car-go.

I used to race snails when I was younger...

... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.

Why don't snails use the internet?

Salt is bad for their health.

If Popeye liked escargot instead of spinach

Would he be known as Popeye the Snailorman?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A snail walks into a bar, but the bartender kicks him out. After 1 year the same Snail re-enters into that bar and says to the bartender...

..."Why the fuck did you do that for?"

A snail is walking home from the pub one night, when he gets beaten up and mugged by two slugs...

He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.

"To be honest, it all happened so fast..."

A slug was assaulted by a snail...

...and the snail was arrested and brought to trial.

At the trial the judge said, "OK, slug, tell the court what happened."

The slug said, "I don't know, your honor...everything happened so fast."

Did you hear about the snail who robbed a clock shop?

He took a lot of time.

Two snails are on the beach.

When they encounter a slug.

"Quick! Turn around! We're on a nudist beach!" says one snail to the other

There was a snail who took his brand new sports car into the body shop and got a custom paint job.

He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn’t understand.
The snail wanted a big “S” on the driver’s and passenger’s doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
“When I drive by someone at ...

What did one snail say to the other?

Nothing. They were both decoys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A snail slimed into a bar...

... slimed his way across the floor, up the bar and across the counter top and said to the barman "I'll have a pint of Guinness please." The barman turns to him and says, "we don't serve snails here, fuck off!" and flicks him off the counter and out of the door. Three months later the snail returns ...

Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank?

To make escargot.

A duck waddles into a store, asks for some snails.

The woman behind the counter asks, "Wait, ducks don't carry cash, do they?"

The duck replies, "No, but you can put them on my bill."

Jacque the Snail

Jacque is a snail. Snails are not known for their excessive speed. Jacque has always dreamed of going fast, faster than any snail ever has before. Jacque has been saving his money for years so he can buy a super fast sports car and impress all his little snail friends.

Finally, Jacque goes d...

How does a snail win a race?

It runs against Hillary.

Snails

A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails f...

A man is sent by his wife to buy some snails for their fancy French dinner party

While at the grocery, he meets a beautiful woman and they start chatting. One thing leads to another and he ends up at her house.

The following morning he wakes with a start and rushes home. In his haste he drops the bucket of snails against his front door.

Hearing the commotion, his ...

A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."