When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

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[wife, watching the news] Some idiot was trying to fight a squid at the aquarium.

[me, covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick.

A man calls an aquarium factory.

He says, "I understand that you manufacture custom fish tanks of all sizes?"

"That's right."

"Perfect. You see, my company manufactures silicon breast implants. We've found that our products last longer when stored in water. If we had some kind of very large glass storage containers, c...

Al bragged about his home aquarium to a friend.

“I keep it super clean,” he said. “And my fish are always so darn happy.”



“How the heck can you tell your fish are happy?” his friend asked.



“Because,” Al replied, “they are always wagging their tails.”

What do you get if you throw a kid into a pirhana tank at the aquarium?

some red water and a lifetime ban, apparently

A man works at an Aquarium

Technically it was a zoo/aquarium, but they got more people coming in for their aquatic animals, so they called it an aquarium.

Most notably among those, were their seals. The seals had been taught to do tricks at another aquarium before they'd been moved over. But at the time the aquarium ha...

What do you call aquarium with two male betta fish?

Betta royale.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for indecent exposure at the aquarium?

The sicko likes to cuttlefish.

So if a place to view birds is an Aviary, and a place to view fish is a aquarium, where do you view pigs?

Congress

I clean my kids’ aquariums but they don’t appreciate it...

It’s a case of “tanks but no thanks.”

It only cost 5 cents to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin,

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

The star attraction at my local aquarium has been repossessed.

Turns out it was a loan shark .

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Do you have an aquarium?

A man was walking down a street and suddenly he meets a childhood friend. They have a chat and then the first guy asks his childhood friend: "What do you study?"

The other tells him I'm learning logics. The guy asks him what exactly is that?

"Let me explain, do you have an aquarium at...

I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.

"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

What is Rick Grimes' favorite exhibit at the aquarium?

Coraaaaaaaal

So this guy buys a centipede from the pet store...

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anyth...

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I went to a pet shop. I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’

I said ‘I don’t care what fucking star sign it is’.

A man goes to an aquarium and buys tickets for the orca show.

He takes his seat and watches the act begin. The fearsome orca and her trainer burst out of the water to gasps from the crowds.

The trainer takes to the stage and begins speaking to the crowd, telling them that Shamu loves doing tricks, because when she does she gets a fish.

To prove t...

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So this guy who works in an aquarium

Get summoned by his boss
Who is looking very worried.

And she says to him,
"I've just walked by the dolphin tank,
And they're feeling very amorous -
They're doing all sort of things to each other.
And the trouble is in less than an hour,
We've got three busloads of second gr...

Why did the aquarium have an existential crisis when the dolphins were released to the wild?

It lost its porpoise.

Trip to the aquarium joke

The other week I was in the aquarium having a whale of a time (pardon the pun). I saw sea horses, sharks, turtles, the whole shebang. But I couldn't wait to get to my favourite creature. I don't know why but I've always been fascinated by eels. I did a project on them in primary school and since the...

Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

Do you guys remember Paul the Octopus?

The one who predicted Spain winning the World Cup some years ago?

Well, a friend of mine told me that if you get hit in the face with the ink of an octopus from there, you can see your future self and predict the future.

I called him out on it at first, but curiosity got the best of me...

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked...

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A Computer Programmer finds a frog by the side of the road...

The frog says, "I am actually a Princess! If you kiss me, I'll revert back to my human form and be forever grateful?", the programmer smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket.

Again, the frog says, "But I really am! I would even marry you if you kiss me and turn me back into a human!", the...

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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the endangered Mollusk exhibit?

An aquarium employee ran up to the railing and shouted "I'll go get help, don't move a mussel!

The Zoo Joke

A man had an uncle who happened to own a zoo. One day, the uncle unfortunately passes away. When the man speaks to his uncle's lawyer, the lawyer offers to give him the zoo. The man willingly agrees. The zoo has an aquarium, a lion cage and a bird cage but it is in horrible condition. The man pays t...

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A guy takes the train home from work one day and meets a man studying logic.

“I’ve never heard of logic, what does that mean? The guy said.

“I’ll explain. Umm, Do you have an aquarium?” He asked.
“Yes I do.” He replied.
“So I assume you have fish in it too, correct?”
“Yeah that’s correct...” he replied.

“That’s logical. Now that means you probably lik...

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

TIL that a school of piranhas are able to strip all the flesh off of a child in under two minutes.

Sadly, I was also fired from the aquarium.

Your mom is so ugly...

she was walking through the Aquarium and a Walrus unlocked her iPhone X.

"I can see the glass ceiling! DOWN WITH THE GLASS CEILING!"

"Megan, we're in an aquarium! NO!"

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Aristotelian Logic

A guy walking down the street met his friend. The friend was reading a book.
Guy: "What are you reading?"
Friend: "It's about Aristotelian logic. Do you know what is that?"
Guy: "Not really."
Friend: "What do you have there with you?" - pointing to the shopping bags.
Guy: "W...

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Well Trained Frogs

A woman walks into a sex shop looking for a dildo. In the back of the shop, she sees an aquarium filled with giant frogs. She asks the owner of the shop about the frogs.


“These are very special frogs. I have trained them personally to give the best cunnilingus in the world.”

The...

Sure, Aphrodite poses naked in a giant clam shell, she's a goddess.

But when I do it, I'm ''drunk' and 'no longer welcome at the aquarium'.

A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As t...

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Hopefully this translates well into English..

A man is sitting on a park bench reading a book called "Logic" and another man walking past sits down beside him and asks what logic means..
The man reading the book asks, "Well, do you have an aquarium at home?"
"Yes! I do!"
"So I'm guessing you have fish in your aquarium?"
"I do!"
"...

Sure, when Aphrodite lounges naked on a clamshell she's "a goddess,"

But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium"!

Anyone have any more of these? Or the name of the type of joke they are so I can find any more?

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Two men are talking at a job placement office

about how difficult it is to get a job when you have a criminal record. The first guy says, "Well, it's all about putting a positive spin on it. Take me for example, I was arrested for trying to rob the same convenience store 6 times. So I tell people that I'm persistent, tenacious, and refuse to gi...

"This sushi is terrible."

"Sir, this is an aquarium."

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The logician

First off i wanna say that english is not my first language, also i'm on my phone. I'm not even sure logician is the right way to say it, but you should be able to understand whats going on!


So a man was on his way home from a work trip. He was traveling by train, and it took a few hours....

The metamorphosis

One day, Franz Kafka's sister goes to wake her brother up only to discover that overnight, he has transformed into a giant hideous bug. Terrified, she calls out "Mother! Mother! Come quick. Look at what has happened to Franz!"

Her mother rushes to her son's bedroom only to see him transforme...

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What's the difference...

What's the difference between a chef and a perverted aquarium owner?
One fixes dishes and the other dicks his fishes.

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