UPJOKE
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I kept asking the aquarium owner about the walking fish.

He said 'you axolotl questions!'

Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it?

To put all its nuclear fission.

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[wife, watching the news] Some idiot was trying to fight a squid at the aquarium.

[me, covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick.

Aquarium decorations on clearance!

Sorry, no reef funds.

What do you get if you throw a kid into a pirhana tank at the aquarium?

some red water and a lifetime ban, apparently

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How to determine sex of aquarium fish?

Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it's a male, if she eats it, then it's a female.

Did you hear about the passionate aquarium owner who got shut down?

He lost his porpoise!

A Sea Lion escaped from the Atlanta Aquarium...

I heard they had to re-seal the tank...

I took my kids to the aquarium.

"If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son.

"Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

My aquarium broke and everything is gone...

I have no porpoise anymore

How do you get fish for an aquarium?

You acquire 'em.

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The Aquarium [NSFW]

So this guy who works in an aquarium gets summoned by his boss, who says to him: "I just walked by the dolphin tank and they're feeling very amorous. They're doing all sorts of things to each other. In two hours we've got three bus loads of second graders coming, and we can't have them watching thos...

Did you know that a school of hungry piranhas can eat a man's flesh in a minute?

Sadly, I also lost my job at the aquarium.

I went to the pet shop to buy a new fish

“Aquarium?” The staff member asked

“I don’t care what star sign it is” I said

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

Did you know piranhas can eat up the body entirely upto the bones in 45 seconds ? Me neither.

Anyway, I lost the job at the aquarium.

At the entrance to the aquarium there was a sign that said "No dogs".

I thought, "What sort of aquarium *does* have dogs?"

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So when Aphrodite sprawls out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell, she's a "goddess."

But when I do it, supposedly I'm "a drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium."

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A mute couple where arguing

In the middle of it, the wife sticks one finger in her pussy and puts one finger on the carpet. As soon as he sees this, he sticks one finger in his ass and one finger in the aquarium.

Translation:

Her : "You better clean the carpet, or you won't get any pussy! "

Him: " I don't ...

Admission to our local aquarium only costs 1p if you're camping or you're a dolphin.

So to all in tents and porpoises it's pretty much free.

What do you call an aquarium filled with liquid nitrogen?

Oxygen defishent.

A power plant blows up near a aquarium...

and I had to be the one to tell my boss about the mutated eels. After I gathered all my courage, I said to him

“Sir, the eels have fur all over them and are humanoid too!”

My boss looked so surprised and asked

“Fur-eel man?”

Did you know that piranhas can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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Do you have an aquarium?

A man was walking down a street and suddenly he meets a childhood friend. They have a chat and then the first guy asks his childhood friend: "What do you study?"

The other tells him I'm learning logics. The guy asks him what exactly is that?

"Let me explain, do you have an aquarium at...

What did the Hawaiian mathematician say when he was at the aquarium?

That’s algae brah.

My wife said you’re a pisces, you live outside of the box

I told her no, I live outside of the aquarium. She didn’t laugh :(

Al bragged about his home aquarium to a friend.

“I keep it super clean,” he said. “And my fish are always so darn happy.”



“How the heck can you tell your fish are happy?” his friend asked.



“Because,” Al replied, “they are always wagging their tails.”

The star attraction at my local aquarium has been repossessed.

Turns out it was a loan shark .

Trip to the aquarium joke

The other week I was in the aquarium having a whale of a time (pardon the pun). I saw sea horses, sharks, turtles, the whole shebang. But I couldn't wait to get to my favourite creature. I don't know why but I've always been fascinated by eels. I did a project on them in primary school and since the...

A man works at an Aquarium

Technically it was a zoo/aquarium, but they got more people coming in for their aquatic animals, so they called it an aquarium.

Most notably among those, were their seals. The seals had been taught to do tricks at another aquarium before they'd been moved over. But at the time the aquarium ha...

A politician walks into an aquarium...

There he finds a monk looking at a small fish that looks like hipnoticed. The monk is controling its movment with his hand. If he move his hand to the left the fish goes to the left, if he moves his had to the right so the fish does.

Politician: Hey sir, how you do that?

Monk: Strong m...

So if a place to view birds is an Aviary, and a place to view fish is a aquarium, where do you view pigs?

Congress

"Whale whale whale look who it is." My buddy hates when I visit him at the aquarium.

He says I'm not using the word for its intended porpoise.

I clean my kids’ aquariums but they don’t appreciate it...

It’s a case of “tanks but no thanks.”

Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for indecent exposure at the aquarium?

The sicko likes to cuttlefish.

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked...

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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

What is Rick Grimes' favorite exhibit at the aquarium?

Coraaaaaaaal

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

So this guy buys a centipede from the pet store...

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anyth...

I caught my first fish today!

Unfortunately, i got kicked out of the aquarium.

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

I recently read that it's beneficial to your mental well being to share your bed with your pets...

... but in hindsight, I probably should have left them in the aquarium.

jokes go brrrrrrrr

**what do you get when you make a whale and an octopus fight?**

banned from the aquarium

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

The Zoo Joke

A man had an uncle who happened to own a zoo. One day, the uncle unfortunately passes away. When the man speaks to his uncle's lawyer, the lawyer offers to give him the zoo. The man willingly agrees. The zoo has an aquarium, a lion cage and a bird cage but it is in horrible condition. The man pays t...

A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As t...

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the endangered Mollusk exhibit?

An aquarium employee ran up to the railing and shouted "I'll go get help, don't move a mussel!

"I can see the glass ceiling! DOWN WITH THE GLASS CEILING!"

"Megan, we're in an aquarium! NO!"

A man calls an aquarium factory.

He says, "I understand that you manufacture custom fish tanks of all sizes?"

"That's right."

"Perfect. You see, my company manufactures silicon breast implants. We've found that our products last longer when stored in water. If we had some kind of very large glass storage containers, c...

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

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Santa wants to learn the subject Logic

he goes to his friend Banta, and says, this 'Logic' is really difficult for me to understand. Could you please help teach it to me.

Banta: well its really simple. let me give you an example. Do you have an aquarium in your house?

Santa: Yes

Banta: logically there must be fishes ...

Your mom is so ugly...

she was walking through the Aquarium and a Walrus unlocked her iPhone X.

I think i got on the guiness book of world records for most octupus caught in a day

Sadly im not allowed back at the aquarium any more

Do you guys remember Paul the Octopus?

The one who predicted Spain winning the World Cup some years ago?

Well, a friend of mine told me that if you get hit in the face with the ink of an octopus from there, you can see your future self and predict the future.

I called him out on it at first, but curiosity got the best of me...

I got arrested for shooting up a school.

Apparently, I failed to notice signs prohibiting photography in the aquarium.

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Well Trained Frogs

A woman walks into a sex shop looking for a dildo. In the back of the shop, she sees an aquarium filled with giant frogs. She asks the owner of the shop about the frogs.


“These are very special frogs. I have trained them personally to give the best cunnilingus in the world.”

The...

"This sushi is terrible."

"Sir, this is an aquarium."

The metamorphosis

One day, Franz Kafka's sister goes to wake her brother up only to discover that overnight, he has transformed into a giant hideous bug. Terrified, she calls out "Mother! Mother! Come quick. Look at what has happened to Franz!"

Her mother rushes to her son's bedroom only to see him transforme...

TIL that a school of piranhas are able to strip all the flesh off of a child in under two minutes.

Sadly, I was also fired from the aquarium.

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The logician

First off i wanna say that english is not my first language, also i'm on my phone. I'm not even sure logician is the right way to say it, but you should be able to understand whats going on!


So a man was on his way home from a work trip. He was traveling by train, and it took a few hours....

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What's the difference...

What's the difference between a chef and a perverted aquarium owner?
One fixes dishes and the other dicks his fishes.

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Two men are talking at a job placement office

about how difficult it is to get a job when you have a criminal record. The first guy says, "Well, it's all about putting a positive spin on it. Take me for example, I was arrested for trying to rob the same convenience store 6 times. So I tell people that I'm persistent, tenacious, and refuse to gi...

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