UPJOKE
shellfishfishfoodshrimptunasalmonsardinemackerelherringcodwhitefishmeatanchovyfreshwater fishcatfish

What's Luigi's favorite dish at a seafood restaurant?

It's a Cala-Mario!


I thought of this joke while I was dreaming one night and laughed myself awake.

Why was the seafood restaurant being investigated by the IRS?

They were suspected of being a shell company in some fishy business.

What kind of monkey likes seafood?

A Shrimpanzee

A man walks into a seafood shop carrying a trout under his arm.

"do you make fish cakes?"

"Yes we do" replies the fishmonger...

"Great" says the man, ït's his birthday"

What do you get when you cross a seafood restaurant with a brothel?

Fish tacos

Went to a seafood disco last night

Pulled a mussel.

I went to a seafood restaurant with my new girl friend

I’m not a big seafood guy so I asked if they had any not sea food. The waitress looked at me appalled and shortly after I was asked to leave by the manager. My gf also dumped me because she said she won’t date an anti semite.

I went to a seafood restaurant

I looked at the menu and said "I think il try the octopus" the waiter said "ok sir but it will take four hours" I said "FOUR HOURS!"

he said "yes..we cook them while they're alive and they keep turning the gas off"

Seafood for thought

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

Which seafood only thinks of itself?

Shellfish.

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

I am on a seafood diet…

But I am blind so I am starving as a consequence of this.

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant.

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.
The second day, the...

A seafood lover walks into a bar

A seafood lover walks into a bar and grill and orders a beer. "Do you serve crabs here?" he asks the bartender. "We serve everyone," the bartender says. "Have a seat."

I'm on seafood diet

I see food and eat it

All-u-can-eat seafood buffets are such a waste.

They’re total overkrill.

You guys hear about the fight that broke out at the seafood restaurant?

Battered fish everywhere.

What do you call vegan seafood?

Artifishial

I wanted to open a new Strip Club that serves seafood.

Calling it Bass To Mouth

Did you hear about that car that runs on seafood?

I heard it's very efishient

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Meanwhile in a seafood restaurant

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Jervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Jervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so calm and frien...

What's your mom's favorite seafood resturant?

Captain D's Nutz

Callum’s Seafood Restaurant and Circumcision Clinic

Where yesterday’s cut is today’s calamari!

What do you call a person who keeps all the seafood to themselves?

Shellfish

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time,...

My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish

What do you call an actor who hauls seafood?

Carrie Fisher.

How do you prepare musical seafood?

You tune a fish.

When do cannibals eat seafood?

When there is a shipwreck next to their island.

What's the easiest seafood to catch accidentally?

Crabs.

A joke I came up with that I told people in a dream this morning...

A ship belonging to a seafood company from Italy accidentally drops tons upon tons of live lobsters overboard off the coast of Maine. Upon hearing this news, a lobster-catcher from Maine down on his luck jumps on his boat to catch as many of the lobsters as he can and sell them before the Italian co...

Why are octopi easily duped when it comes to eating seafood?

They’re suckers for sushi

Having family spend time at your house and eating seafood are basically the same thing.....

Great at first but start to stink after a couple days

What do you call a seafood restaurant that generates its own power?

A fission-chips shop.

I'm on a no seafood diet to lose weight

It's low crab.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood.

I feel kinda eel.

I didn't really want to go to the seafood buffet...

...but I just went for the halibut

That's the last time I eat seafood.

It made me feel a bit...eel.

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

One time I told my blind Nana to go on a seafood diet...

She died a week later.

A young woman starts choking on her seafood at a restaurant.

The man behind her says "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" and proceeds to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her.

A whole small fish shoots out of her mouth and the woman finally gasps in a few breaths.

The doctor picks up the fish and says "What's a plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"

My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

My girlfriend left me today because I quit taking her to seafood restaurants.

Turns out she was only with me because of my mussels.

I'm on a seafood diet

If I see food and it's a fish I eat it

Why did the pervert get kicked out of the seafood restaurant?

Because she kept trying to feel everyone's mussels.

A man goes to a seafood restaurant and orders fish and chips...

He notices his waitress checking him out, but doesn’t think much of it. Either way, he comes back the next night and orders fish and chips. The waitress says, “Are you sure? You just got that last night.” So instead the man orders salmon. He also thought it was sweet the waitress remembered his orde...

I decided not to invest in that seafood processing plant...

...something smelled fishy.

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What is Hitler's favorite type of food?

Not Seafood

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

Today I got bored and went to a seafood restaurant... [OC- would like opinions]

Just for the halibut.

- Grandpa lived to be 108 years old

He used to smoke at least three very expensive cigars a day, drink only the best scotch, cognac and wine, ate only seafood we had to bring from certifiably high quality places and entertained two or three girlfriends at a time

- Wow! And why did he die?

- We had to kill him. He was too...

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

What kind of food cures blind people?

Seafood.

Octopus

Last Friday night I took my date out to a seafood restaurant

As we set down We began looking for some thing nice to eat

When the waiter came over after 10 minutes he asked us if we was ready to order

We said “” yes we will both have the octopus if that s ok “”

Octopus “...

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

confucius say when you take old hooker to all you can eat seafood

you walk away with a big bag of crabs

The price of victory

I wrote this joke in a book I published recently.

>“Would you like to hear a joke I wrote about seafood?”
>
>“Sure.”
>
>***A man went to a restaurant and ordered lobster. When the plate was placed before him, the lobster was in numerous pieces. The man asked...

The most hilarious Yo Mama Jokes, Let's do it guys!

Three from my side:

Your Mama So Fat,

when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

folk exercise by jogging around her!

We've got the meats

If meat and seafood is surf and turf, does that make meat seafood and poultry surf turf and away?

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The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share?

Shelfish

A man decides he wants to try the Boston seafood specialty of scrod

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod around here?" "Sure," said the c...

I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet...

Diving trip goes bad...

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi...

Sushi

...the rolls-rice of Asian seafood

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

Ordering octopus at a restaurant

A man goes into a restaurant and he orders octopus from the seafood menu. The waiter says that's all right, but he has to warn the guest, it takes four hours to prepare.

"Why does it take so long to prepare octopus? Is it hard to cook?"
"Not really, but the octopuses keep turning down the ...

Where can I get scrod?

A guy goes to Boston on a business trip. Since he has never been there before he wants to try the local cuisine and, after some research decides the quintessential dish (after baked beans) is a seafood dish made from a young cod fish.
As he gets into the taxi at the airport he asks the driver...

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

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