Seafood Jokes

It's a Cala-Mario!


I thought of this joke while I was dreaming one night and laughed myself awake.

They were suspected of being a shell company in some fishy business.

A Shrimpanzee

Pulled a mussel.

"do you make fish cakes?"

"Yes we do" replies the fishmonger...

"Great" says the man, ït's his birthday"

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a... read more

I’m not a big seafood guy so I asked if they had any not sea food. The waitress looked at me appalled and shortly after I was asked to leave by the manager. My gf also dumped me because she said she won’t date an anti semite.

I looked at the menu and said "I think il try the octopus" the waiter said "ok sir but it will take four hours" I said "FOUR HOURS!"

he said "yes..we cook them while they're alive and they keep turning the gas off"

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”

Shellfish.

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

I see food and eat it

Fish tacos

Battered fish everywhere.

A seafood lover walks into a bar and grill and orders a beer. "Do you serve crabs here?" he asks the bartender. "We serve everyone," the bartender says. "Have a seat."

I heard it's very efishient

They’re total overkrill.

But I am blind so I am starving as a consequence of this.

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.
The second day, the... read more

Artifishial

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time,... read more

You tune a fish.

Where yesterday’s cut is today’s calamari!

Shellfish

Calling it Bass To Mouth

Crabs.

I told her she was being shellfish

Carrie Fisher.

Captain D's Nutz

I feel kinda eel.

A ship belonging to a seafood company from Italy accidentally drops tons upon tons of live lobsters overboard off the coast of Maine. Upon hearing this news, a lobster-catcher from Maine down on his luck jumps on his boat to catch as many of the lobsters as he can and sell them before the Italian co... read more

They’re suckers for sushi

Great at first but start to stink after a couple days

A fission-chips shop.

It's low crab.

When there is a shipwreck next to their island.

...but I just went for the halibut

It made me feel a bit...eel.

The man behind her says "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" and proceeds to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her.

A whole small fish shoots out of her mouth and the woman finally gasps in a few breaths.

The doctor picks up the fish and says "What's a plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"

Turns out she was only with me because of my mussels.

If I see food and it's a fish I eat it

Because she kept trying to feel everyone's mussels.

He notices his waitress checking him out, but doesn’t think much of it. Either way, he comes back the next night and orders fish and chips. The waitress says, “Are you sure? You just got that last night.” So instead the man orders salmon. He also thought it was sweet the waitress remembered his orde... read more

...something smelled fishy.

She died a week later.

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ... read more

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

Just for the halibut.

He used to smoke at least three very expensive cigars a day, drink only the best scotch, cognac and wine, ate only seafood we had to bring from certifiably high quality places and entertained two or three girlfriends at a time

- Wow! And why did he die?

- We had to kill him. He was too... read more

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att... read more

I can't seafood

Seafood.

Last Friday night I took my date out to a seafood restaurant

As we set down We began looking for some thing nice to eat

When the waiter came over after 10 minutes he asked us if we was ready to order

We said “” yes we will both have the octopus if that s ok “”

Octopus “... read more

you walk away with a big bag of crabs

I wrote this joke in a book I published recently.

>“Would you like to hear a joke I wrote about seafood?”
>
>“Sure.”
>
>***A man went to a restaurant and ordered lobster. When the plate was placed before him, the lobster was in numerous pieces. The man asked... read more

Three from my side:

Your Mama So Fat,

when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

folk exercise by jogging around her!

If meat and seafood is surf and turf, does that make meat seafood and poultry surf turf and away?

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

Shelfish

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod around here?" "Sure," said the c... read more

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet... read more

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi... read more

...the rolls-rice of Asian seafood

A man goes into a restaurant and he orders octopus from the seafood menu. The waiter says that's all right, but he has to warn the guest, it takes four hours to prepare.

"Why does it take so long to prepare octopus? Is it hard to cook?"
"Not really, but the octopuses keep turning down the ... read more

A guy goes to Boston on a business trip. Since he has never been there before he wants to try the local cuisine and, after some research decides the quintessential dish (after baked beans) is a seafood dish made from a young cod fish.
As he gets into the taxi at the airport he asks the driver... read more