UPJOKE
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Why was the seafood restaurant being investigated by the IRS?

They were suspected of being a shell company in some fishy business.

A fight broke out at the seafood restaurant last night

Battered fish everywhere.

What kind of monkey likes seafood?

A Shrimpanzee

What's Luigi's favorite dish at a seafood restaurant?

It's a Cala-Mario!


I thought of this joke while I was dreaming one night and laughed myself awake.

A man walks into a seafood shop carrying a trout under his arm.

"do you make fish cakes?"

"Yes we do" replies the fishmonger...

"Great" says the man, ït's his birthday"

What do you get when you cross a seafood restaurant with a brothel?

Fish tacos

Went to a seafood disco the other day

Pulled a mussel

A seafood lover walks into a bar

A seafood lover walks into a bar and grill and orders a beer. "Do you serve crabs here?" he asks the bartender. "We serve everyone," the bartender says. "Have a seat."

My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish

Alex Trebek and Sean Connery are at a seafood restaurant enjoying a dinner together.

Alex decides to get an order of oysters and when they come out they're still in the shell. Alex tries everything he can, but for some reason just can't even get one open. Exasperated, he looks over at Sean Connery and asks "how am I supposed to open this damn thing?" Sean Connery smiles, hands him a...

A man walked into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail.

The waitress smiled sweetly and said - "Once upon a time, there was this handsome lobster......"

Callum’s Seafood Restaurant and Circumcision Clinic

Where yesterday’s cut is today’s calamari!

I wanted to open a new Strip Club that serves seafood.

Calling it Bass To Mouth

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

All-u-can-eat seafood buffets are such a waste.

They’re total overkrill.

What do you call a person who keeps all the seafood to themselves?

Shellfish

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time,...

I'm on seafood diet

I see food and eat it

Diving trip goes bad...

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi...

So I was in this seafood restaurant and waiter said to me "The special today is octopus but it does take four hours to prepare" "Why is that ?" I asked...

"Well we cook it alive and it keeps on turning the gas off" he said...

Did you hear about that car that runs on seafood?

I heard it's very efishient

Having family spend time at your house and eating seafood are basically the same thing.....

Great at first but start to stink after a couple days

I'm on a no seafood diet to lose weight

It's low crab.

Seafood

What is a Blowfish's favorite seafood?
Fishsticks.

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

Why are octopi easily duped when it comes to eating seafood?

They’re suckers for sushi

What do you call an actor who hauls seafood?

Carrie Fisher.

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Meanwhile in a seafood restaurant

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Jervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Jervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so calm and frien...

One time I told my blind Nana to go on a seafood diet...

She died a week later.

My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

My girlfriend left me today because I quit taking her to seafood restaurants.

Turns out she was only with me because of my mussels.

When do cannibals eat seafood?

When there is a shipwreck next to their island.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood.

I feel kinda eel.

What's the easiest seafood to catch accidentally?

Crabs.

I didn't really want to go to the seafood buffet...

...but I just went for the halibut

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

How do you prepare musical seafood?

You tune a fish.

What do you call a seafood restaurant that generates its own power?

A fission-chips shop.

Why did the pervert get kicked out of the seafood restaurant?

Because she kept trying to feel everyone's mussels.

That's the last time I eat seafood.

It made me feel a bit...eel.

Today I got bored and went to a seafood restaurant... [OC- would like opinions]

Just for the halibut.

A man goes to a seafood restaurant and orders fish and chips...

He notices his waitress checking him out, but doesn’t think much of it. Either way, he comes back the next night and orders fish and chips. The waitress says, “Are you sure? You just got that last night.” So instead the man orders salmon. He also thought it was sweet the waitress remembered his orde...

A young woman starts choking on her seafood at a restaurant.

The man behind her says "Stand back! I'm a doctor!" and proceeds to use the Heimlich manoeuvre on her.

A whole small fish shoots out of her mouth and the woman finally gasps in a few breaths.

The doctor picks up the fish and says "What's a plaice like you doing in a girl like this?"

Octopus

Last Friday night I took my date out to a seafood restaurant

As we set down We began looking for some thing nice to eat

When the waiter came over after 10 minutes he asked us if we was ready to order

We said “” yes we will both have the octopus if that s ok “”

Octopus “...

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

What's your mom's favorite seafood resturant?

Captain D's Nutz

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The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

What kind of food cures blind people?

Seafood.

A man decides he wants to try the Boston seafood specialty of scrod

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod around here?" "Sure," said the c...

I'm on a seafood diet

If I see food and it's a fish I eat it

I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet...

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What is Hitler's favorite type of food?

Not Seafood

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

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I hope you like seafood

Because I've got a shrimp dick

What's the only type of seafood that Sean Connery won't share?

Shelfish

confucius say when you take old hooker to all you can eat seafood

you walk away with a big bag of crabs

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

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A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:

-Two Italian men and one Italian woman

-Two French men and one French woman

-Two German men and one German woman

-Two Greek men and one Greek...

Ordering octopus at a restaurant

A man goes into a restaurant and he orders octopus from the seafood menu. The waiter says that's all right, but he has to warn the guest, it takes four hours to prepare.

"Why does it take so long to prepare octopus? Is it hard to cook?"
"Not really, but the octopuses keep turning down the ...

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A bad smell follows the bastard

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.

Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her ...

We've got the meats

If meat and seafood is surf and turf, does that make meat seafood and poultry surf turf and away?

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