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Not Surprised Jokes

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

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I'm not surprised that my dog is scared of the vacuum cleaner...

I know exactly what a vacuum cleaner is for, but to my dog, it's just a screaming robot that keeps attacking his owner's dick.

My calculator broke again, but I'm not surprised

In fact, I was counting on it.

I’m not surprised Robert Pattinson got Covid

He’s wearing his mask wrong.

A gorilla visits a pub and orders a pint of beer. 'That'll be £7.00' says the barman

The gorilla pays and the barman says 'We don't get many gorillas in the pub' the gorilla replies ' I'm not surprised at these prices'

When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men were not surprised..

..but you should have seen their faces when she had the little lamb!

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A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied, "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."

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The birdwatcher was not surprised to see a boy masturbating.

He saw that kid coming a mile away.

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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

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I’m not surprised that everyone is in a rush to buy toilet paper lately.

After all, everyone needs a shitload.

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

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My local French boulangerie owner was accused of bestiality, but I'm not surprised.

He was such a pain in the ass.

I’m not surprised that Jeff Bezos started seeing a woman who was close to his wife.

Classic Amazon: “if you like this, here is something similar that you might like”

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender is surprised, but he says:

\- Sure, it's 12€.
The horse pays and starts drinking. The bartender looks in amazement at the horse and says:
\- You know, I don't see many talking horses in my bar.
The horse finishes his drink and replies:
\- Not surprised, ...

A gorilla walks into the local pub

The gorilla sits down, grunts softly and points to a picture of a pint of beer on the menu.

The barman pours the beer, hands it to the gorilla, who again grunts softly and nods. The gorilla slaps a $100 bill down on the counter and slides it toward the barman.

The barman, figuring the ...

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A man's wife gave birth while he was on a business trip.

The doctor called and asked, "Did you know you were having quintuplets?"
"I'm not surprised," the man replied, "I've got a dick like a stovepipe!"
"You should probably get it cleaned then," said the doctor, "because they're all black."

A gorilla walks into a restaurant.

He sits down at a booth and a waitress comes over to take his order. He orders an ice cream sundae. The waitress goes back into the kitchen, gets him an ice cream sundae and takes it to his table. The gorilla eats the sundae and then motions to the waitress for the bill. The waitress comes over, giv...

A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."

The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sell...

A Maulvi was standing outside a bar preaching...

A Maulvi was standing outside a bar preaching to people not to drink alcohol because it is haram.

Abdul said, "Maulvi Sahib have you ever tasted whiskey?"

Maulvi said, "No"

Abdul said, "Try drinking once.

At first, the Maulvi kept refusing, then s...

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A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the ba...

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"


"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."


"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
<...

A man joins a monastery where you may only speak once a year

After the first year he says to the head monk "food sucks".
After the second year he says "bed is hard"
After the 3rd year he says "I quit".

The head monk says " I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here".

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini.

“You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often,” the bartender remarks.

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

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