UPJOKE
black pepperwhite pepperpaprikazestchili pepperbell peppercinnamonturmericpiperspicehot pepperspice upseasoningsaltjalapeno

I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today

Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink

How do you determine the mass of a chilli pepper?

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, And then Pepper Spray by the police, He's now a seasoned veteran.

First time on this sub reddit so don't have a lot of experience

I was eating at a restaurant the other day when a lawyer sat at the next table across from me. The waiter arrived to take his order and accidentally knocked the salt and pepper straight into his lap.

I thought, “Now there’s a seasoned professional”.

I heard a joke about getting pepper sprayed.

It was a macing.

How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What kind of Dr is Dr Pepper?

A Fizzician

What was the Ottoman Empire's main export?

Sultan pepper

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeño business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life’s like a box of jalapeño peppers. What you do today…

might burn your ass tomorrow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went by the deli to get a sandwich.

The deli man asked if I wanted monterey jack, colby jack or pepper jack. I wasn't in the mood for cheese so I told him "jack off".... This mayo tastes funny

Why did the baby bell pepper put on a sweater?

Because it was a little chili.

what did the archer ask the pepper?

"do you habanero?"

I thought of this tonight making dinner. I'm sure someone has thought of this before me, but figured I would share anyway.

Why didn’t the green pepper get into archery?

He didn’t Habanero!

What do angry peppers do??

They get jalapeno face!!

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

Why don't you want to be friends with a pepper?

Because they're always jalapeño business.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

I threw a seasoning at someone they said it was assault

But it was pepper

(OC)

what do you call a pepper sprayed Walter White?

Eyesinburn

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze.

(Roughly translated from a recent issue of *Acadie Nouvelle*)

Montana State Golfer Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th...

Love is like a Ghost Pepper, you taste it with delight.

And when it's gone you wonder, what ever made you bite.

I have become obsessed with collecting Beatles albums!

So far I've got 17 Revolvers, 8 Rubber Souls, 25 Sergeant Peppers, 6 Hard Days Nights, 12 White Albums, 14 Abbey Roads, 7 Yellow Submarines, 5 Let It Be's, 9 Please Please Me's, a couple of With The Beatles, 3 Beatles For Sales, and even a Magical Mystery Tour, BUT IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!

I NEED ...

What did the nosey pepper do?

Got jalapeños buisness!

How do great scientists like to eat their peppers?

All fried. No bell.

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pepper, the pickle, and the penis

Commiserating together at the bar are a pepper, a pickle, and a penis.

The pepper says, “Nobody understands the hell I’ve been through. When you’re a pepper, they take you in the prime of your life and throw you on a hot, tin roof to suffer in the sun until you’re a husk of your former self.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a plane when the man next to me sneezed, and wiped his knob with a napkin.

I was dumbfounded, but didn't want to make a fuss so I let it go, hoping it just wouldn't happen again. Ten minutes later, the same again: the man sneezed and wiped his knob with a napkin. I was disturbed but decided it must be something medical, so again decided to leave it alone. The third time it...

Pepper

I bought a womble pepper grinder for my mum today, but she keeps complaining that the pepper is either underground or overground.

Did you know dr pepper was based off a real doctor?

He was a fizzican

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Darth Vader prefer coarse-grain pepper?

He hates it when it's high ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Mr. Salt tell Mrs. Pepper before they had sex?

Hold on, let me get some condomints.

What did Dr. Pepper say when he got pulled over by the soda cops?

Oh no! It's the fizz!

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

Why did Pepper go to prison?

A-SALT



I made this joke years ago, I hope y'all like it.

What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?

A pepperonly pizza!

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless.

(The most common first comment I see for every joke is "repost". I just made this one up. If someone came up with the same punchline before, guess what, it's a coincidence. Great minds think alike)

Some people say that when a pepper is really small it's a sign that it is very hot...

...but, in reality, it's a little chili

A big pepper is sitting on the couch when his small pepper roommate walks in the door shivering

Big pepper: "Why are you shaking? Are you cold?"

Small pepper: "I'm a little chili."

Why did pepper go to jail?

A salt

What do cops use pepper spray for?

A salt!

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Essential medicine

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, ...

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

Where did Dr. Pepper get his M.D from?

University of Minnesoda

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