How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.


L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?

Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
...

What kind of Doctor is Dr Pepper?

He’s a fizzician

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

In Barcelona, there's a common prank where spicy peppers are hidden inside kiwi fruits, and then the 'victim' is tricked into eating them

Nobody expects the Spanish in-kiwi Sichuan

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeño business

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because he was all out of tissues

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because he's a fucking creep

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

Did you hear about the Bell Pepper flavored vodka?

It makes you bell-igerent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Darth Vader prefer coarse-grain pepper?

He hates it when it's high ground.

Why did pepper go to jail?

A salt

After starting the Lonely Hearts Club Band and getting honorably discharged, Sgt. Pepper did the one thing he always wanted to do...

Get a doctorate.

What did the pepper say to the table salt?

Why you Sodium fine?

What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua?

A hot, diggety dog.

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

Where did Dr. Pepper get his M.D from?

University of Minnesoda

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

Why didn't the peppers want to start a company?

They didn't want to be jalapeno business.

Who is Pepper Potts?

A white widow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctor the other day for a sexual problem.

It’s not what you’re probably thinking though.

My eyes and sometimes my entire face would burn during sex. Sometimes my eyes began watering uncontrollably, making me unable to see.

The doctor said it was probably the pepper spray but I’m seeking a second opinion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So on a flight, there is a woman who is sneezing.

Now see, this woman is sneezing very vigorously. Eventually, a man leans over and asks ‘what’s wrong?’
The woman replies, ‘I have a very rare condition wherein every time I sneeze I orgasm.’
The man replies, ‘oh why that sounds terrible! What medication are you taking for it?’
The woman smi...

Some people say that when a pepper is really small it's a sign that it is very hot...

...but, in reality, it's a little chili

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

Don't drink Mr Pibb. It's just a cheap knockoff of Dr Pepper..

The dude didn't even get a degree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I bought pepper spray to keep dogs off.

I hope they really leave me alone when they see me crying.

Bear PSA

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers and campers in National Parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming f...

Why’d the momma pepper put a jacket on her baby?

Because he was a little chili

What do you call peppers from the Philippines?

Filipeños

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

Man: M'sieur, I would like some pepper sent up to ma room.

Receptionist: Certainly sir, black pepper or red pepper?

Man: Toilet pepper

What do you call a Muslim pepper?

A halal-peno.

I’m sorry.

What do you call a set of salt pepper dispensers that a rapper would own?

Tupac Shakurs

A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

A black pepper and a white pepper walk into a bar

After a while the black pepper notices the white pepper looking at him all crazy and says "Whacha lookin at?"

And the white pepper says "ACHOOOO!"

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

What kind of pepper do you not want as a neighbor?

A jalapeño, because they get jalapeño business.

Why do peppers make bad girlfriends?

Because they are constantly jalapeño business.

What do you call a tiny spanish pepper?

A jalapequeño.

Did you hear about the time an anvil fell on Dr. Pepper?

He was sodapressed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on an airplane....

...next to this young woman. After a minute of being seated the woman sneezes. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed it looked like she took one tissue and appeared to wipe under her skirt.

“I might be seeing things,” he thought. But not even a couple minutes later she sneezes again. This ...

Had the choice between 3 Cokes and 4 Dr Peppers.

I picked seven up.

The Pepper Farm

A man was driving through the countryside when he happened upon a sprawling farm, covered as far as the eye could see in brightly colored variants of peppers. Astounded at the vastness and variety, the man turned up the driveway and made his way to the pepper stand where stood an older woman, presum...

When something gets shot multiple times

People often will say it was a pepper

But when something gets shot hundreds of times

I say it was a-sault.

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