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Olive Oils

Olive Oil 1: I fk all the time

God: okay, you'll be regular olive oil

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Olive Oil 2: I've never had sex

God: you'll be virgin olive oil

​

Olive Oil 3: I've only tried anal

God: \[turns back to Olive Oil 2\] okay your actually gon...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

I only buy extra virgin olive oil...

Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

Why do you never take a date to Olive Garden?

Because when you're there you're family.

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

Did you hear about the Frenchman who committed suicide by jumping into a giant vat of olive oil?

They say he lost his huile d’olive.

If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

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A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad." The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza." The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw m...

Me:I got removed from Olive Garden for eating too many breadsticks. Friend:How many did you eat?

Me:Olive them

Two best friend olives are rolling around on the ground.

As they are rolling and playing one of the olives get squished. In complete shock the one olive says, "are you okay?!?" The squished friend says, "olive!"

Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed.

Yesterday I almost lost the huile d'olive.

Did you hear what happened when the Pope went to mount Olive?

Popeye almost killed him!

What’s the same between Fortnite players and Olive Oil?

They’re both extra-virgin.

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

Two olives are sitting on a bench,

one falls off. The other olive says, "Are you ok?".....the fallen one responds, "O-live"

What do a stuffed olive and Angelina Jolie have in common?

they've both had a pit in them

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

Did you hear about the sales on olive branches?

They've been extended

(I know that's a reach... I'll live if you don't accept... Just trying to branch out... Please treet me with respect)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate?

Extra Virgin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey.

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey.

While at the bar, the monkey won't stop jumping from here and there, messing with the fridge, with the tables, until a moment that he ate a pool ball.

The bartender said to the monkey's owner: did you see what your monkey did? He ate a pool ball....

Why were the two olives fighting?

They were pitted against each other.

What's the difference between Olive Garden and Reddit?

At Olive Garden the servers actually work.

Two olives are on a counter.

One falls to the ground. The one still on the counter, out of genuine concern, yells down, "ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

The one on the ground rolls over, quickly checks himself and replies,

"OLIVE"

If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from?

Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp

First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed

What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?

Pestomistic

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all t...

He drank an entire bottle of olive oil?

Daughter: "Where's the olive oil?"
Father: "I drank it."
Daughter: "You drank an entire bottle of olive oil?"
Father: Without so much as a grin, "Yes, olive it."

McPherson walked into a bar...

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had don...

How much olive oil does Snoop Dogg use to cook?

A drizzle.

Where do you go if you get food poisoning from the Olive Garden?

To the Hospitalliano.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate how there's virgin olive oil and there's extra virgin olive oil.

There was either a dick in it or there wasn't. There's no such thing as extra lack of penis.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...

bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives o...

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A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Olive Oil

What's the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil?

Popeye's cock.

Why is it called extra virgin olive oil?

Because they grow the olives inside, away from the birds and the bees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?

Because the charges wooden stick.



My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah fuckit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charles Dickens walks into a bar...

and orders a Martini. The bartender asks,"Olive or twist?"

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” ...

I'm not saying it's too long since I got laid,

but this morning there was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil in the food cupboard, and now there's just a bottle of olive oil.

Two olives are walking on a cliff

There's a big olive and a little one. The little olive falls off the edge. The big olive looks down in the ravine and shouts, "are you alright?" He hears the little olive faintly say, "olive."

What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it?

It hurts, but olive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

George Carlin-styled joke I wrote. Need opinions!

"This leads me to my next story about 2 friends, long, messy story, but here we go...

​

My friend Burger King and his wife Dairy Queen had a son named Little Cesar. One day comes along Dairy Queen's ex, McDonald (you know, like, old McDonald had a farm, and on his farm he ha...

What do you call a woman with a toothpick stuck up her ass?

Olive

The Olive Garden

I was asking the waitress at the Olive Garden about their Slogan 'When you are here, you're Family'?
Then I asked her if I could borrow 50 dollars or some power tools that I promised to return with no real expectations of ever returning them.
I bet she talked bad about me after I left, becaus...

What part of Popeye never gets rusty?

The part he sticks in Olive Oyl!

<Popeye laugh>

3 good arguments that Jesus was black [long]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33 <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . .

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minute...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man, a Frenchman, and an Italian man were bragging about their sex lives.

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butt...

I realized today that I really only have two options when it comes to a career path.

I'm going to end up in jail or working at Olive Garden. Either way endless salads are getting tossed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear? They opened a pizza place in the Vatican!

It’s called Cheesus Crust.

They only use Swiss cheese Because it’s so holy.

Their most famous topping is pope-peroni.

They’re really famous for their dough.
It takes three days to rise.

They only serve seeded olives.
Because they’re afraid of the pit.

Their...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had been at marines for 4 years.

I had been at marines for 4 years.

And I went back to study.

In the second year I got the chance to go for a exchange in France.

My mother is French so I speak the language.

It is expensive in Paris so I look for a job to get some extra money.

After a week I g...

7 years kid ask in middle of dinner "dad, what is virgin?"

The dad gets very nervous and give an explanation with "daddy put a little seed in your moms belly, and since nobody ever planted a seed there she was virgin"..... The The kid turns the olive oil bottle and asks "ok, then what is extra virgin?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

What's your best knock knock joke?

My grandson gets the giggles big time.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you. Do you love me too?

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation....

It's always about Rudolph. Why don't we ever

hear about Olive, the other reindeer?

You know how Popeye has muscles of steel? Which muscle does he have that never rusts?

The one that he dips into Olive Oyl.

What’s the most popular first date spot in Alabama?

Olive Garden: when you’re here, you’re family.

What was Popeye's last name?

Pimento, because he comes in an Olive.

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