The 71+ Best Olive Jokes

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all t...

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

New name for olives!

Greece’s Pieces

A lot of people don't know about Rudolph's wife Olive,

but she is mentioned in the song: "Olive, the other reindeer."

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

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what's the difference between Extra Virgin Olive Oil and regular Olive Oil?

A candle lit dinner and bottle of champagne.

Oliver has been living the dream

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu. "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been...

Any PDA at Olive Garden is considered incest

Because when you’re here, you’re family

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What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed.

The Olive Garden should sponsor The Fast and Furious franchise.

Because when you are there, you are Family.

Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil?

It gives them a huile d'olive

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Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?

Customer: Is it extra virgin?

Me: *tearing up* No it’s the same price

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

A man walks into a bar

He orders a Martini, takes out the olive, puts it on the table and drinks it. Then he orders another one, again taking out the olive and drinking the Martini. And again, and again, and again…

At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the oliv...

Olives

Two olives are sitting on a table.
Olive #1: rolls to the end of the table and falls off
Olive #2: yells from the top of the table “are you ok?”
Olive #1: “I’m a little bit sore but olive”

Why did the Alabama man only sleep with waitresses from Olive Garden?

Because when you're there, you're family.

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Why is it always 'Extra Virgin' olive oil?

Why can’t we also have some 'Loose Woman' olive oil?

If you combine Basil, Parmesan, Pinenuts and Olive Oil you get Pesto. What do you get when you mix Olive Oil, Spinach and Sweet Peas?

You get the comic and cartoon classic Popeye.

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My wife told me to put olive oil on the shopping list.

Great idea, now it's fucking soaked.

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What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate?

Extra Virgin

I got olive oil in my bed

Shhhh... Don't tell Popeye!

Anyone wanna hear one about a couple olives? (it’s long but worth the read trust me)

So there are these 2 olives right, let's call
them Frank and Bobby…… and these two
are long time best friends, and they’re as good of guys as they come, and always just having a good time together. Nice as can be. Just some good timing olives you know? Anyways they're on a high top table at a ...

What does olive taste like?

Ask Popeye.

What do Olive Garden and brothels in Alabama have in common?

They both use the slogan “When you’re here, you’re family”

Pasta joke: what sauce contains tomato, garlic, olives, capers, anchovies and a despotic lunatic?

Putinesca

Jar of Olives

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a ...

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The Taliban are banning opium and will be growing olives instead.

For the extra virgin.

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

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As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

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Spend the extra money and get the virgin olive oil instead of the regular kind.

It costs a little more, but it's worth it to know that no one has ever put their dick in something that you're going to put on your food

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You know how you can tell if the olive oil is extra virgin?

If it screams while being poured onto a Caesar salad.

One part vodka, one part vermouth, add olives and olive juice then drink alone

Quarantini

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I got banned from Olive Garden for eating too much breadsticks

“*how many did you eat?**”
“Olive them.”

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

How much olive oil does Snoop Dogg use to cook?

A drizzle.

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How is extra virgin olive oil NSFW ?

Not Safe For Wok.

\[yay dumbest joke of the day\]

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A guy smuggling olive

The cops caught a guy smuggling 2 jars of a very expensive olive, so as a punishment they made him put every olive in his ass. He gladly did and was laughing while putting them in his ass.

- Why you're laughing? Asked a cop.

- The guy answered: My friend after me is smuggling a contain...

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

What is an epileptic person's favorite dish at Olive Garden?

A seizure salad

Last night I massaged my wife

Italian: Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French: Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 20 minutes.

Indian : That's nothing. Last ni...

There's a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson.

They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.

They study the rain. You know,

Dr.I.P.

Dr.O.P.

A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal...

I've lost my huile d'olive!

Going to an orgy in the South is a lot like going to Olive Garden

When you’re there you’re family.

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If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

What did Oliver Twist order at the Indian restaurant?

Please, can I have samosa?

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, buy olive Aldo shoes.

Alexa: Your purchase of, all of Whole Foods, is complete.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who committed suicide by jumping into a giant vat of olive oil?

They say he lost his huile d’olive.

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A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

What did the French chef say when he was sick and tired of misplacing his olive oil?

"I'm losing my huile d'olive."

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Oliver Twist

A copy of 'Oliver Twist' fell off the shelf and hit me on the head.

It hurts like the Dickens!

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On his recent trip to Israel, Pope Francis went to Mount Olive.

When he found out, Popeye was pissed and kicked his ass.

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

Did you hear about the sales on olive branches?

They've been extended

(I know that's a reach... I'll live if you don't accept... Just trying to branch out... Please treet me with respect)

If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from?

Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

He drank an entire bottle of olive oil?

Daughter: "Where's the olive oil?"
Father: "I drank it."
Daughter: "You drank an entire bottle of olive oil?"
Father: Without so much as a grin, "Yes, olive it."

A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp

First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

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A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad." The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza." The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw m...

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

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Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.

A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.

One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.

With that, the cowbo...

Where do you go if you get food poisoning from the Olive Garden?

To the Hospitalliano.

Why were the two olives fighting?

They were pitted against each other.

What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?

Pestomistic

My wife asked why I had so many olives on my plate.

I told her it’s because I didn’t eat olive them.

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

Lane Oliver is blowing up!

The song "Surrender to the fire" is #1 in the french charts

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

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