UPJOKE
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Olive Jokes

A lot of people don't know about Rudolph's wife Olive,

but she is mentioned in the song: "Olive, the other reindeer."

Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn't find their olive oil?

Because they had lost the *huile d'olive*

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

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what's the difference between Extra Virgin Olive Oil and regular Olive Oil?

A candle lit dinner and bottle of champagne.

Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil?

It gives them a huile d'olive

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

Any PDA at Olive Garden is considered incest

Because when you’re here, you’re family

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What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed.

A man walks into a bar

He orders a Martini, takes out the olive, puts it on the table and drinks it. Then he orders another one, again taking out the olive and drinking the Martini. And again, and again, and again…

At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the oliv...

The Olive Garden should sponsor The Fast and Furious franchise.

Because when you are there, you are Family.

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Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?

Customer: Is it extra virgin?

Me: *tearing up* No it’s the same price

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Why is it always 'Extra Virgin' olive oil?

Why can’t we also have some 'Loose Woman' olive oil?

Why did the Alabama man only sleep with waitresses from Olive Garden?

Because when you're there, you're family.

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What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate?

Extra Virgin

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My wife told me to put olive oil on the shopping list.

Great idea, now it's fucking soaked.

I got olive oil in my bed

Shhhh... Don't tell Popeye!

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Spend the extra money and get the virgin olive oil instead of the regular kind.

It costs a little more, but it's worth it to know that no one has ever put their dick in something that you're going to put on your food

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all t...

One part vodka, one part vermouth, add olives and olive juice then drink alone

Quarantini

If you combine Basil, Parmesan, Pinenuts and Olive Oil you get Pesto. What do you get when you mix Olive Oil, Spinach and Sweet Peas?

You get the comic and cartoon classic Popeye.

What do Olive Garden and brothels in Alabama have in common?

They both use the slogan “When you’re here, you’re family”

What does olive taste like?

Ask Popeye.

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

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You know how you can tell if the olive oil is extra virgin?

If it screams while being poured onto a Caesar salad.

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As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

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A guy smuggling olive

The cops caught a guy smuggling 2 jars of a very expensive olive, so as a punishment they made him put every olive in his ass. He gladly did and was laughing while putting them in his ass.

- Why you're laughing? Asked a cop.

- The guy answered: My friend after me is smuggling a contain...

I got banned from Olive Garden for eating too much breadsticks

“*how many did you eat?**”
“Olive them.”

Oliver has been living the dream

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu. "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been...

What percentage of Olive Garden’s menu is prepared via microwave?

Olive it

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

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If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

How much olive oil does Snoop Dogg use to cook?

A drizzle.

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How is extra virgin olive oil NSFW ?

Not Safe For Wok.

\[yay dumbest joke of the day\]

What is an epileptic person's favorite dish at Olive Garden?

A seizure salad

Last night I massaged my wife

Italian: Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French: Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 20 minutes.

Indian : That's nothing. Last ni...

Due to global climate change the world is set to experience a loss in olive oil

Now we can all understand the heartache Popeye felt after the tragic end of his wife.

Going to an orgy in the South is a lot like going to Olive Garden

When you’re there you’re family.

Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

Jeff Bezos: Alexa, buy olive Aldo shoes.

Alexa: Your purchase of, all of Whole Foods, is complete.

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A man was arrested for having sex inside a West Virginian Olive Garden with an employee.

Apparently he took "When you're here, you're family" too literally.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who committed suicide by jumping into a giant vat of olive oil?

They say he lost his huile d’olive.

What did the French chef say when he was sick and tired of misplacing his olive oil?

"I'm losing my huile d'olive."

Olives

Two olives are sitting on a table.
Olive #1: rolls to the end of the table and falls off
Olive #2: yells from the top of the table “are you ok?”
Olive #1: “I’m a little bit sore but olive”

Did you hear about the sales on olive branches?

They've been extended

(I know that's a reach... I'll live if you don't accept... Just trying to branch out... Please treet me with respect)

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On his recent trip to Israel, Pope Francis went to Mount Olive.

When he found out, Popeye was pissed and kicked his ass.

He drank an entire bottle of olive oil?

Daughter: "Where's the olive oil?"
Father: "I drank it."
Daughter: "You drank an entire bottle of olive oil?"
Father: Without so much as a grin, "Yes, olive it."

A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp

First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed

New name for olives!

Greece’s Pieces

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A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad." The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza." The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw m...

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from?

Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

The Olive Garden

I was asking the waitress at the Olive Garden about their Slogan 'When you are here, you're Family'?
Then I asked her if I could borrow 50 dollars or some power tools that I promised to return with no real expectations of ever returning them.
I bet she talked bad about me after I left, becaus...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

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Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.

A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.

One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.

With that, the cowbo...

What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?

Pestomistic

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

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Why is it called extra virgin olive oil?

Because they grow the olives inside, away from the birds and the bees.

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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender says, "Olive or twist?"

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A guy walks into a bar with his monkey...

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey.

While at the bar, the monkey won't stop jumping from here and there, messing with the fridge, with the tables, eating food from people's tables devouring everything until a moment that he eats a pool ball.

The bartender said to the monkey's owner...

Jar of Olives

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a ...

How to make Bacon-Wrapped Duck at home:

Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.

Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.

Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.

Fill a large glass with wh...

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The Taliban are banning opium and will be growing olives instead.

For the extra virgin.

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Oliver Twist

A copy of 'Oliver Twist' fell off the shelf and hit me on the head.

It hurts like the Dickens!

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How Amazon's acquisition of Whole Foods really went down:

Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods.

Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods.

Bezos: Crap.

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

There's a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson.

They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.

They study the rain. You know,

Dr.I.P.

Dr.O.P.

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