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Monkeys Jokes

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to w...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

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What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common?

They both fuck up trees

People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2016, they ate 73,432,384 bananas,
and only ate 6 monkeys.

There are two monkeys in a bath..

One goes 'ooh ooh ah ah!'
The other says 'put some cold in then!'

Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one jumped off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said

We don’t accept your insurance.

A recent study has found out that humans eat more bananas than monkeys..

Which makes sense. I don’t think I have ever eaten a monkey.

Two monkeys are in bath

The first monkey says: Oe-aa-ie-aa-oe.
The second monkey says: Shall I add some cold water?

What kind of martial arts do monkeys do?

Flungpoo

Did you know people eat more bananas then monkeys?

Monkeys are harder to catch even thought they both grow in trees!

Title is stolen from a comment, the rest is from my twisted mind.

What’s the difference between Monkeys and Apes?

Monkeys are better at telling stories because they have Tales.

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Monkeys

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grow...

Two monkeys entered a bath.

Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah

Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot

An infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of keyboards happen to write the perfect joke

The joke is reposted.

Are monkeys good at combat?

Only if it's gorilla warfare

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,

all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Zookeeper needs some help with the monkeys

A zookeeper says to his friend "I've got 50 dollars for you if you can bring these monkeys to the zoo for me, I'm too busy today".

The friend agrees and the zookeepers hands him the money. About an hour later the zookeeper sees his friend driving by with the monkeys in the back of his car....

Where do monkeys go to work out?

The jungle gym.

What do you call someone who takes care of baby monkeys?

A bananny.

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Monkeys arrested

I just read about a zoo in Florida, where 3 monkies were arrested for lighting their feces on fire, and flinging them at zoo workers.

A few of the workers were sent to the hospital for turd degree burns.

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Two Monkeys were in the process of getting into a bath, and one said to the other "ooo aa oo eee ooo ee oo"

And the other one said "put some fucking cold in then!"

What do you call a country run by monkeys?

Banana republic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

three monkeys walk into a bar..

and the fourth one ducks!

TIL people eat way more bananas every year than monkeys

Because unlike monkeys, bananas are farmed

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Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

Did you know the inventor of Reese's Pieces has a master's in biology specializing in monkeys?

He did a Rhesus thesis.

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Monkeys and Bananas

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
<...

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

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A little girl and her mommy go to the beach…

She looks behind a rock where two dogs are fucking and says ”What are they doing Mommy?”
Mommy says “they’re.. um.. they’re making cupcakes!” “Oh!”, the little girl cried.

Later they go to the zoo and see monkeys fucking. “What are they doing Mommy?” Mom says “They’re making cupcakes, Swe...

Two monkeys are in a bath

One monkey shouts "uh uh uh uh AH AH AH AH AHHHHHH!!!"

then the other one says "well put some cold water in if it's too hot"

Where do monkeys go to get their fast food?

Burger Kong.

It is inappropriate to call people "monkeys"

The politically correct term is "orangutan".

What's a monkeys favourite dessert?

Lemon Morangutan Pie.

I'm sorry.

A Joke from my little cousin

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?


An Orangatangle!

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