There are two monkeys in a bath..

One goes 'ooh ooh ah ah!'
The other says 'put some cold in then!'

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of ...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at varying levels.

The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

They say 1 million monkeys with 1 million keyboards can produce the entire works of Shakespeare...

...Thanks to the internet we now know that's not true

2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!"

The other says "careful, that's hot."

I didn't belive that monkeys existed.

Then I saw a Monkee. Now I'm a Believer.

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

What do depressed people and monkeys have in common?

They hang from trees

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

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A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

TIL people eat way more bananas every year than monkeys

Because unlike monkeys, bananas are farmed

A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.

I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

What's a good day to see tailless monkeys at the zoo?

Any gibbon day of the week

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I went to the zoo and I saw the monkeys masturbating.

I then saw the giraffes and I was still masturbating.

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

three monkeys walk into a bar..

and the fourth one ducks!

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Monkeys arrested

I just read about a zoo in Florida, where 3 monkies were arrested for lighting their feces on fire, and flinging them at zoo workers.

A few of the workers were sent to the hospital for turd degree burns.

A man was moving to another country and needed to find a new home for his 15 pet monkeys.

He saw a man driving down the road with a big van and so he shouted after him,

"I'll give you €50 to bring these monkeys to the zoo for me"

The man with the van agreed and left with the monkeys in his van.

A couple of hours go by and while he is on his way to the airport, he see...

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A guest speaker came to my school and tried to tell us that we evolved from monkeys.

I got so angry I flung poop at him.

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to w...

Where do monkeys go to get their fast food?

Burger Kong.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.

The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00

Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.

The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.

The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that ...

Did you know before they had Monkey bars

Monkeys would just drink at home.

It is inappropriate to call people "monkeys"

The politically correct term is "orangutan".

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Monkeys

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grow...

Tow monkeys head out to steal fruits from a nearby farm, monkey1 tells monkey2 to stay under the tree, and watch for the farmer

while monkey1 hop on the tree and start eating, the plan was when he finishes, they swap positions,

as monkey2 got distracted, the farmer saw them and quietly snuck and captured him, put him in a cloth sack he was carrying, and beaten the bananas out of monkey2 then released it, seeing all th...

Two monkeys sat in a bath...

The first monkey goes “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”

Second monkey says “oh I’ll add some cold then”

How are people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

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