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Moments Jokes

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

Blonde Moments

There are these two secretaries, a Blonde and a Red Head and the Red Head gets flowers sent to her.The Blonde says, Boy those sure are pretty.
The Red Head says, Yes and I will probably have my legs behind my head all weekend. The Blonde says, Why? Don't you have a vase?

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

A guy goes into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or pr...

I just downloaded Luis Suarez best moments video

It was only three megabytes

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement...

her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

The daughter shook her head sadly...

"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

A guy was stranded alone walking in the desert. He comes across a bacon tree, "ah a bacon tree! I'm saved!" he shouts. Moments later he was gunned down.

Turns out it was a hambush

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die.

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die. The arrive at the border between multiverses and meet Saint Platinum-Erbium

St PtEr says to them "Welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through, but before I may do that, I must ask each...

Tender Moments!!!

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through the bad...

A man is having his final moments in his bed.

A man is having his final moments in his bed. Beside him were his sons Brock, Kenneth, Connor, and Dominic. He was struggling to say his final words but he managed. "Boys it's time, but before I go I want you to do me a favor. I want you all to combine the first, second, and third letters of you fir...

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each oth...

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A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, "TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!"

A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, "Get fucked, you religious freaks" and zooms ahead at full speed.

Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "I told you we should ...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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During the final moments, Hitler was having an

Axistential crisis.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

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Awkward moments

The way the joke is supposed to go:

>A man went to Alaska a 129 lb weakling and he came back a husky fucker.

My friend, who just started working at a new place, said it like this to a group of his new co-workers:

>A man went to Alaska a 129 lb weakling and he came back fuc...

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

The priceless moments of my LIFE.

\~a shoplifter

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. ...

Voltaire moments before death

I don’t know if this has been on here but my high school teacher told me this a while ago.

On his death bed, a priest came to Voltaire’s home and told him there was still time to go to heaven if he accepts Jesus as his lord and savior and reject the devil and all his beliefs.
Voltaire t...

Great Moments in Lawyering

"Have you ever attempted suicide?"

"Yes, on multiple occasions."

"Did you ever succeed?"

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

It is during our darkest moments...

That we need to replace the batteries of the flashlight

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

Tom Swift's best moments.

"German sausage jokes are the wurst," Tom said frankly.

"I got cut in half," Tom said intuitively.

"I will never read Shakespeare," Tom said unwillingly.

"I lost my legs right under the ankles," Tom said defeatedly.

"Who turned out the lights?" Tom asked dimly.

"I ...

If Jeffrey Epstein could talk about his last moments...

“I called for help but they left me hanging.”

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Moments in history - generic name for Viagra.

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a gener...

(Ω_Ω) for those moments, when you go..

"ohm eye God"

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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Lorena Bobbit is in her car, escaping moments after cutting off her husbands penis

The penis is on the seat beside her. An old married couple is approaching in the opposite direction in their car. Finally, disgusted, Lorena flings the bloody penis out her window just as she’s passing the old couple. The dick hits their windshield, splatters and bounces off.
After a long pause ...

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
...

A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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My dad's dad joke a few moments ago

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, ...

Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

...

One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

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