I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

Statistics Show

The number one fear is public speaking. The second is death.

So at a funeral you would prefer to be in the casket than reading the Eulogy.

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistically, one out of 10 of your friends is gay.

I think it might be Steve, he's really sexy.

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

Statistically humans eat more bananas than monkeys

Yeah, I don't see a lot of people eating monkeys around here

My friend told me a statistic today, however I found it was false

Did you know 80% of statistics are false?

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

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I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

My Statistics teacher said I was just average.

I told him that’s mean...

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Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics show 55% of men in Oakland have had sex in the shower

\-The rest haven't been to prison yet

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Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

Birthdays are good for you;

statistics have shown that people who have more of them live longer.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.

Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

Statistically speaking

6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy

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Person 1 : I used to think correlation implied causation. Then i took a statistics class. Now I don't

Person 2 : I think the class helped

Person 1 : maybe

What happened to the guy who had a fetish for population statistics?

He finally came to his census.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

The Russian people were constantly hounding the government to tell them when they would finally reach true communism.

Because of this, the government got the leading scientists to input hundreds of statistics, such as ground fertility, rainfall, public relations, international relations and population into the best computer in Russia. They waited 4 nights for the answer: 23 kilometres. It puzzled the many politicia...

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.



Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”



“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

I just read a statistic on the most common way a person walks when they have been drinking.

It’s staggering.

Did you know? (Not safe for work)

Did you know that:

1. 80% of Reddit users are more likely to click on an NSFW post than on a regular one?
2. the statistic above is not a fact and has been made up
3. the statements above are false
4. the 3 statements above are inconsistent with each other (i.e. cannot all hold...

Thousands of people die every day. Thats just a statistic.

But for some reason when i kill them it’s monstrosity instead.

Statistics show that people tend to overdose in one particular brand of car

Hyundai

Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.

Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

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Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

The problem with math jokes

Calculus jokes are derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are too formulaic but arithmetic jokes are just basic.

The outlier is the occasional statistics pun.

Statistically speaking

9/11 Americans won't appreciate this joke.

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

It doesn’t make sense that you’re statistically more likely to die when you’re old

The older you are, the more experience you have not dying

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Statistically, I have sex 86 times per year.

This is going to be an exciting week.

"It was recently proven that 80% of people will believe any statistic they read online."

-Abraham Lincoln

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

Statistically, older people are the most common carriers of AIDS...

Hearing Aids, Walking Aids, Seeing Aids...

I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

Statistics show that 47% of people are pedantic.

Well, 46.8%.

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

Did you know that, statistically, only one in seven dwarfs...

Is happy?

This is a frightening statistic

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

Dumpster divers children are statistically most likely to be adopted

because one mans trash is another one's treasure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

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Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statis...

Did you know

12.5% of statistics are made up on the spot

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

I hate statistics jokes

They're all mean.

I'm very good with statistics.

I would put myself somewhere near the top of the bell curve.

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house

A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house. They see two people enter and three people leave.
Biologist: “We have just witnessed an example of reproduction.”
Statistician: “This falls within the statistical error.”
Mathematician: “If one more person enters the house...

An engineer and a mathematician....

An engineer, and a mathematician are in a room with a beautiful blonde woman who is completely naked and laying seductively on a bed.

The woman says "you can approach me once per minute, but only covering half the distance between us each minute."

The mathematician gets angry and say "...

Why is statistics never anyone's favorite subject?

It's just average.

My statistic skills are mediocre at best

And average at worst

Two Statistics majors walk into a bar

What're the chances!

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pain tolerance

It is believed that kids have far more pain tolerance than adults.
There could be statistics to support this , if only they stopped screaming their throats out in my basement.

Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

Statistically...

9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:


Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00...

Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb

I'm glad to be in the 10% that isn't.

Indian men are statistically the least likely to get laid

No wonder even their parents call them beta.

Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny?

Because it's a co-median ^_^

I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course

The aftermath was terrible.

I Got Worried After Reading the Statistic on Marriage

50% of them last forever!

I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk.

They're just staggering.

My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year.

He's doing confidence intervals.

Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child molester...

Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.

New frightening study released statistic that as much as 25% of Women are diagnosed clinically insane

Especially frightening because that means there is 75% walking around undiagnosed

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