### I asked my German friend to draw me a circular statistical diagram.

“As soon as you can.”

### Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

### A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.

Be an outlier.

aren't Happy

### Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

### 64% of the people are bad at math, according to a recent statistic

Lucky me, I belong to the other 46%

### Statistically 100,000 people die each year playing Russian roulette ....

It's mind-blowing!

### Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

Is that normal?

### I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
sexual statistics.

replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

### My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics

Apparently there's safety in numbers

### A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

### I came up with a really great statistics joke, but no statistician wanted to hear it.

So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

### Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

### A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

### Which politician is the biggest supporter of statistical sciences?

Putin. He really loves the Poisson distribution.

### Here's an interesting statistic about herd mentality:

It affects 10 in 10 people.

Rejecting H0s.

### can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Read an interesting statistic on mammography technologists

They all have a boob job

### What’s different between stock market and statistics??

Some people do get statistics

### 69% of all statistics are made up

Every 69 I’ve ever been involved in was made up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Statistically, one out of 10 of your friends is gay.

I think it might be Steve, he's really sexy.

### I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

### My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
.
.

A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

### According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

### I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

### In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

### I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

### No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

### Statistician joke...

Why did a statistician take a zebra with him when he boarded a train?

Because statistically, it's a lot less likely to be a train accident with a Zebra inside it...

### I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

### I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

### According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

### If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

### A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

### Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

### Statistics are like a mini skirt

They promise a lot but show nothing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Statistics show 55% of men in Oakland have had sex in the shower

\-The rest haven't been to prison yet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Person 1 : I used to think correlation implied causation. Then i took a statistics class. Now I don't

Person 2 : I think the class helped

Person 1 : maybe

### I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

### You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

### statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

### Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

### Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

### I just read a statistic on the most common way a person walks when they have been drinking.

It’s staggering.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### That's my name!

Skinny white man goes into a lift and looks at huge black man who says, "Before you ask me I'm 7ft tall 350llbs have a 20"willy and my balls weigh 3llbs each, Turner Brown. White man faints, when he comes to he asks the black man to say that again. Black man repeats his statistics and says my name's...

### This is a frightening statistic

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

### In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

### I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

### Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

### I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

### Statistically speaking

9/11 Americans won't appreciate this joke.

### Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"

Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

### Thousands of people die every day. Thats just a statistic.

But for some reason when i kill them it’s monstrosity instead.

### Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

### A statistics professor is at the airport...

A stats professor drives to the airport, to catch a flight to his next conference. As he is going through security, TSA discovers a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. He is hauled off immediately for interrogation.

"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accompl...

Well, 46.8%.

-Abraham Lincoln

### I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

Politicians just have better lawyers.

### Did you know that, statistically, only one in seven dwarfs...

Is happy?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Statistically, I have sex 86 times per year.

This is going to be an exciting week.

### Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

### I hate statistics jokes

They're all mean.

### Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

### Why is statistics never anyone's favorite subject?

It's just average.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

### There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

### Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

### Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

### My statistic skills are mediocre at best

And average at worst

### Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny?

Because it's a co-median ^_^

### TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

### The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

### Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

### Statistics show that 85% of all Redditors reading this

Need to put their phone down and wipe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

### I Got Worried After Reading the Statistic on Marriage

50% of them last forever!

### Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00...

### Two Statistics majors walk into a bar

What're the chances!

### I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk.

They're just staggering.

### Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

### Statistically...

9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

### Indian men are statistically the least likely to get laid

No wonder even their parents call them beta.

### Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb

I'm glad to be in the 10% that isn't.

### I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

### Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"