UPJOKE

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### Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

### A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

### Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

### 64% of the people are bad at math, according to a recent statistic

Lucky me, I belong to the other 46%

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### Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

### I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!

### If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

### Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

### There's a statistic that says hippos kill more people every year than sharks.

Makes sense. It seems very unlikely for a hippo to find a shark in the savanah.

### A Statistic Regarding Americans

Math illiteracy effects 8 out of every 5 people.

### Statistically there are

Statistically there are 2 popes per square kilometer in the Vatican

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### Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

aren't Happy

### Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

### Let's have some fun with statistics. Did you know that in Vatican, there are...

.. two Popes per square km ?

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### A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
sexual statistics.

replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

### Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

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### Nsfw: just heard a statistic that 33% of women are battered....

Which pisses me off. I've been eating mine raw the entire time.

### A statistics joke...

Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows. They see a giant buck in the woods. Statistician #1 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the left. Statistician #2 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the right. Statistician #3 throws down his bow and yells, "We got it!"

### Hospital statistics

A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it’s open heart surgery.
In Australia it’s liver transplants.
And in Russia it’s opening a window…

### I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

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### I used to think correlation implies causation, but then I took a statistics class.

That may have helped me understand the difference, but I’m not too sure.

### Researchers at Institute of Incomplete Statistics inform that

9 in every 100 people

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### Statistically, one out of 10 of your friends is gay.

I think it might be Steve, he's really sexy.

Is that normal?

### This is a frightening statistic

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

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### Read an interesting statistic on mammography technologists

They all have a boob job

*sigh*

### I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.

No pun in ten did.

### It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

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### Statistics show that 1 in 3 guys are gay.

Personally I hope it's Steve, he's pretty dreamy.

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### Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

### I asked my German friend to draw me a circular statistical diagram.

“As soon as you can.”

### can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

### Statistically 100,000 people die each year playing Russian roulette ....

It's mind-blowing!

### Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

### Thousands of people die every day. Thats just a statistic.

But for some reason when i kill them it’s monstrosity instead.

### Statistics are like bikinis....

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

### My statistic skills are mediocre at best

And average at worst

### Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

### A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.

### I Got Worried After Reading the Statistic on Marriage

50% of them last forever!

### My statistics professor told me I was average...

... I told her "that's Mean".

### A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

### Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

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### The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
.
.

A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

### 69% of all statistics are made up

Every 69 I’ve ever been involved in was made up

### Statistically speaking

9/11 Americans won't appreciate this joke.

### Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

-Abraham Lincoln

### My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

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### I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

### Which politician is the biggest supporter of statistical sciences?

Putin. He really loves the Poisson distribution.

### statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

### Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

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Poor bastard

It’s staggering.

### Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

### According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

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### Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had sex in the shower.

The other 35% haven't been to prison yet.

### Statistically...

9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

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### A very interesting statistic about the penis from comedian Bo Burnham

The average penis length is 5 and half inches and the average penis length of a man who google average penis length is 3 and half inches.

### Statistics are like a mini skirt

They promise a lot but show nothing

### I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

### I hate statistics jokes

They're all mean.

### Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

### I came up with a really great statistics joke, but no statistician wanted to hear it.

So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

### I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

### My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics

Apparently there's safety in numbers

### I felt like I was just a statistic, so I went to see a psychologist...

She diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder.

Now I feel like a distribution.

### New frightening study released statistic that as much as 25% of Women are diagnosed clinically insane

Especially frightening because that means there is 75% walking around undiagnosed

### I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

### The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.

Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

### Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

### In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

### Why is statistics never anyone's favorite subject?

It's just average.

### Statistics show that 47% of people are pedantic.

Well, 46.8%.

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### A few statistics...

Studies show ¾ths of the general public prefer to be told statistics in percents as compared to fractions.

10/9 of them are unable to spot errors in said statistics.

63% of the population will believe a statistic if it has a famous name cited with it. - Julius Cesar, May 1973

Th...

### In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

### I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

### Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00...

### The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

Is happy?

### You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

### Two Statistics majors walk into a bar

What're the chances!

Politicians just have better lawyers.

### Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

### I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

The thing about statistics is, if you gather enough, you'll find a coincidence.

### No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

### I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

### According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

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### Sexual fetishes are getting seperate volume in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

There is now the a-DSM and the b-DSM.

### Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

### What did Santa say to a Statistics class?

Null hypothesis Null hypothesis Null hypothesis

### Statistics are like Bikini Atoll

Their essence utterly obliterated for the purpose of proving a political point.

### Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb

I'm glad to be in the 10% that isn't.