UPJOKE
instantminutemomentwinkflashtwinklingheartbeatsecondsplit secondblink of an eyebitmolubehoursixty

When I found out you could donate sperm by post...

I came in a jiffy

Jiffy foods are good and all, but I can never remember how to spell their name

I know it starts with a big J, then after that it's a little iffy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free bicycle

I bought a bicycle which I hardly used. As a socially responsible citizen, I put it out on the porch against a board saying "free bicycle ".

A week passed and no one took it. My friend said "Dude no on wants free stuff, just chain it to the post and it will be stolen in a jiffy".

I fol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't say ANYTHING about your sex life around any "smart" device like Siri, Alexa, television or refrigerator.

I made that mistake, and I'm now getting popup ads for vacuum cleaners, cat litter and oil changes at Jiffy Lube.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Club...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of the magic Fairy in the wood!

A guy wonders in the woods, seeking for mushrooms

he picks up one, and by magic a fairy APPEARS!

"Hello, im the magic fairy you've been very nice boy, i will grant you ONE wish" say the fairy

the guy, in shock, shruggs

"hmm..Well..**hehe**.., im a waiter..in a restaurant...

A dude walks into his assistant's office

He really likes the woman and has been wanting to sleep with her for ages, but the assistant has a boyfriend. One day though, he walks into her office and says:

'I'll give you $500 if you sleep with me!'

'Heck, no. Besides, I have a boyfriend!'

'But I'll be really quick! I'll ju...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.

The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth. "What y'all want done 'round here?" the bumpkin asks.

"I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard."

"Alrighty!" says the bumpkin. "I'll have 'er done in a jiffy." And...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friends asked where I was...

I said: "I'm currently fucking a jar of peanut butter, but I'll come in a Jiffy."

An old woman needed her porch painted...

So she called up a guy and asked,

"Could you come by? I need to have my porch painted red."

"Yes ma'am, I'll be there in a jiffy. "

He shows up and let's the old lady know it shouldn't take him too long. She's surprised by this because her porch is large and wraps around the ho...

So I work for gutter installation company...

And we recently had a job the required us to roll out 90ft+ pieces at a time. We decided to use the parking lot of the neighboring funeral home for convenience.

As we're working in the lot, the funeral home director comes out and asks us what's going on.

"Sorry sir, were almost done w...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.