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Statistics Jokes

My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics

Apparently there's safety in numbers

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.

No pun in ten did.

A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

A statistics joke...

Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows. They see a giant buck in the woods. Statistician #1 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the left. Statistician #2 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the right. Statistician #3 throws down his bow and yells, "We got it!"

Hospital statistics

A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it’s open heart surgery.
In Australia it’s liver transplants.
And in Russia it’s opening a window…

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

Researchers at Institute of Incomplete Statistics inform that

9 in every 100 people

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Statistics show that 1 in 3 guys are gay.

Personally I hope it's Steve, he's pretty dreamy.

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

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Bobby hopped on the train and found a vacant seat.

After sitting down, he looked around the carriage and observed an attractive woman seated across from himself, reading a book titled "Sexual statistics."



A little intimidated at first, Bobby finally plucked up some courage and initiated conversation.



"Hi, that looks lik...

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

I came up with a really great statistics joke, but no statistician wanted to hear it.

So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

44% of Marriages end in divorce.

That means 56% of marriages are fatal.
I love statistics.

I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

Statistics can be misleading.

For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

I don't understand statistics like mean, mode and median

Is that normal?

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

Statistics are like bikinis....

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

69% of all statistics are made up

Every 69 I’ve ever been involved in was made up

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

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Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

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Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

Statistics show that six out of seven dwarfs...

...aren't happy.

Road trip

Grandma needed a ride to a family wedding in another state but refused to let anyone give her a ride because she had always heard that the roads were so dangerous.

Finally, her grandson convinced her that we would take her down a road that hasn't had any accidents on it in years and ever show...

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

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The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
.
.


A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

Statistics show that 47% of people are pedantic.

Well, 46.8%.

What’s different between stock market and statistics??

Some people do get statistics

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Statistics show that someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds in London

Poor bastard

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Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had sex in the shower.

The other 35% haven't been to prison yet.

Statistics are like a mini-skirt

They promise a lot but show nothing

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.

Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

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Person 1 : I used to think correlation implied causation. Then i took a statistics class. Now I don't

Person 2 : I think the class helped

Person 1 : maybe

I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

Why is statistics never anyone's favorite subject?

It's just average.

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk.

They're just staggering.

The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

Statistics...

97% of comedians have a percentage based joke about statistics

Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

Two Statistics majors walk into a bar

What're the chances!

Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb

I'm glad to be in the 10% that isn't.

Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

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A few statistics...

Studies show ¾ths of the general public prefer to be told statistics in percents as compared to fractions.

10/9 of them are unable to spot errors in said statistics.

63% of the population will believe a statistic if it has a famous name cited with it. - Julius Cesar, May 1973

Th...

If you want to apply for a job at a Honda dealership, you must collect information by enrolling in the following courses:

Statistics, Mechanical Engineering, and Civics.

What did Santa say to a Statistics class?

Null hypothesis Null hypothesis Null hypothesis

My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course

The aftermath was terrible.

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

I hate statistics jokes

They're all mean.

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According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

Frightening Statistic

This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:


Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00...

Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child molester...

Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.

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