UPJOKE

### A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

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### Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

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### Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

### Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie.

100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.

### Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

### I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!

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### Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

### I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.

No pun in ten did.

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### Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

### My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics

Apparently there's safety in numbers

### A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

### Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

### Let's have some fun with statistics. Did you know that in Vatican, there are...

.. two Popes per square km ?

### Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

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### I used to think correlation implies causation, but then I took a statistics class.

That may have helped me understand the difference, but I’m not too sure.

### A statistics joke...

Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows. They see a giant buck in the woods. Statistician #1 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the left. Statistician #2 fires his arrow--it goes 10 yards to the right. Statistician #3 throws down his bow and yells, "We got it!"

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### Statistics show that 1 in 3 guys are gay.

Personally I hope it's Steve, he's pretty dreamy.

### Hospital statistics

A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it’s open heart surgery.
In Australia it’s liver transplants.
And in Russia it’s opening a window…

*sigh*

### Researchers at Institute of Incomplete Statistics inform that

9 in every 100 people

### A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

### A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.

### According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

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### The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
.
.

A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

Is that normal?

### Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

### can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

### Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

### I came up with a really great statistics joke, but no statistician wanted to hear it.

So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

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Poor bastard

### My statistics professor told me I was average...

... I told her "that's Mean".

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### Statistics show 65% of Baltimore men have had sex in the shower.

The other 35% haven't been to prison yet.

### Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

### In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

### According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

### Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

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### A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
sexual statistics.

replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

### I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

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### I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

Well, 46.8%.

...aren't happy.

### Statistics are like bikinis....

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

### 69% of all statistics are made up

Every 69 I’ve ever been involved in was made up

### I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

### No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

### I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

### Statistics are like a mini-skirt

They promise a lot but show nothing

### The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.

Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

### statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

### In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

### I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

### My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

### Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

### Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

### Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

### Two Statistics majors walk into a bar

What're the chances!

### Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb

I'm glad to be in the 10% that isn't.

### What did Santa say to a Statistics class?

Null hypothesis Null hypothesis Null hypothesis

### Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

### Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

### TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

### Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

### The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

### My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course

The aftermath was terrible.

### Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

### My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year.

He's doing confidence intervals.

### I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

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### According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

### Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

### I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

Belle curves.

### Almost 65% of statistics are made up.

The other half are lies.

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### A few statistics...

Studies show ¾ths of the general public prefer to be told statistics in percents as compared to fractions.

10/9 of them are unable to spot errors in said statistics.

63% of the population will believe a statistic if it has a famous name cited with it. - Julius Cesar, May 1973

Th...

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### Statistics are like Bikini Atoll

Their essence utterly obliterated for the purpose of proving a political point.

The thing about statistics is, if you gather enough, you'll find a coincidence.

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### A joke a statistics prof once told me...

The average American has one testicle and one ovary.

### I hate statistics jokes

They're all mean.

### Statistics say that 30% of women are on medication for some sort of mental issue...

That means there are 70% running around out there unmedicated...

### Fibonacci’s day at the fair

One day Fibonacci goes to the fair with his friends: Ms.One, Mr.Five, and Dr.Twenty.

While Fibonacci perused the fairgrounds, his friends decided to enjoy a variety of different competitions and games.

Ms.One thought to try her hand at the ring toss and ball throwing games. S...

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### Statistics show that 73% of people don't have enough fibre in their diets.

Ah well, tough shit

### Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a paedo...

...not me though, I live next door to two stunning 8 year olds.

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### A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

### Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00...

### Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child molester...

Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.