In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

My friend told me a statistic today, however I found it was false

Did you know 80% of statistics are false?

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.

Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics show 55% of men in Oakland have had sex in the shower

\-The rest haven't been to prison yet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

My Statistics teacher said I was just average.

I told him that’s mean...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

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Person 1 : I used to think correlation implied causation. Then i took a statistics class. Now I don't

Person 2 : I think the class helped

Person 1 : maybe

The problem with math jokes

Calculus jokes are derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are too formulaic but arithmetic jokes are just basic.

The outlier is the occasional statistics pun.

What happened to the guy who had a fetish for population statistics?

He finally came to his census.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

In my final semester of university, I had one final math class to pass: Probability and Statistics.

For those of you that don't know, and don't have to, I am envious.

In that class, we very often had to calculate the sums of many averages.

I just wanted to pass!

So to me, I summed it up as the means to an end.

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.



Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”



“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

Did you know

12.5% of statistics are made up on the spot

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

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Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

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Pain tolerance

It is believed that kids have far more pain tolerance than adults.
There could be statistics to support this , if only they stopped screaming their throats out in my basement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statis...

Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

Statistics show that 47% of people are pedantic.

Well, 46.8%.

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

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According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

I'm very good with statistics.

I would put myself somewhere near the top of the bell curve.

Birthdays are good for you.

Statistics say that people who have the most, live the longest.

Why is statistics never anyone's favorite subject?

It's just average.

I hate statistics jokes

They're all mean.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,

It was the age of statistics and there was conclusive proof to support both views.

Two Statistics majors walk into a bar

What're the chances!

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

Statistics show that 85% of all Redditors reading this

Need to put their phone down and wipe.

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

Statistics show that six out of seven dwarfs...

...aren't happy.

Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb

I'm glad to be in the 10% that isn't.

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:


Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00...

I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year.

He's doing confidence intervals.

My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course

The aftermath was terrible.

Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

Frightening Statistic

This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

Statistics say that 30% of women are on medication for some sort of mental issue...

That means there are 70% running around out there unmedicated...

I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk.

They're just staggering.

Almost 65% of statistics are made up.

The other half are lies.

Statistics show that one out of three of your next door neighbors could be a child molester...

Thank goodness the only neighbors I have are smokin' hot ten year olds.

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