UPJOKE
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My Dad told me that if anyone ever pulled a gun on me I should start reeling off statistics

Apparently there's safety in numbers

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.

For support, rather than illumination.

A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.

Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.....

I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend

Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

Statistically speaking, 6 out 10 statistics are wrong.

Including this one.

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

I came up with a really great statistics joke, but no statistician wanted to hear it.

So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

Statistics can be misleading.

For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

I don't understand statistics like mean, mode and median

Is that normal?

Statistics are like bikinis....

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

69% of all statistics are made up

Every 69 I’ve ever been involved in was made up

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.

What are the odds?

I didn’t think I’d ever be turned on by population statistics...

But then I came to my census

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I just overslept and missed my first statistics class.

What are the chances of that?

What’s different between stock market and statistics??

Some people do get statistics

I regret having called my statistics professor an average person.

I really didn't mean it.

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The professor of statistics and logistics.

So a friend told me this joke. It was created by Norm MacDonald. Hopefully I don't butcher it. Also, I'm on mobile, so I apologize if it's weirdly formatted.

.
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A new guy moves into a cul de sac. One of the neighbors comes up to him and starts small talk.

"So what...

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

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Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

My grandpa always told me that statistics are like skirts

They show some stuff that you are interested in but not the actual thing

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

Statistics are like a mini-skirt

They promise a lot but show nothing

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Statistics say that the typical man has sex 92 times a year...

I feel that December will be amazing

Statistics show that six out of seven dwarfs...

...aren't happy.

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

The Police has revealed their statistics for the last 48 hours.

Theft: 0 cases

Killings: 0 cases

Prostitution: 0 cases

Family and roommate quarrels: 8720 cases

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Statistics show that someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds in London

Poor bastard

In statistics, a larger sample size results in more reliable averages.

The Ns justify the means.

Statistics show that 47% of people are pedantic.

Well, 46.8%.

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Person 1 : I used to think correlation implied causation. Then i took a statistics class. Now I don't

Person 2 : I think the class helped

Person 1 : maybe

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..

Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

Statistics show more people are killed by bees than snakes.

Politicians just have better lawyers.

Did you hear about the statistics major who ended up homeless when they couldn't find a job after graduation?

It was a real bad after-math.

Why is studying statistics hard to do in Afghanistan?

because of the tally-ban

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Statistics show 55% of men in Oakland have had sex in the shower

\-The rest haven't been to prison yet

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

The Department of Unfinished Statistics concluded...

... that 7 out of 10.

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

Statistics show that vegetarians live on average ten years longer than meat eaters

Ten long miserable years

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That's my name!

Skinny white man goes into a lift and looks at huge black man who says, "Before you ask me I'm 7ft tall 350llbs have a 20"willy and my balls weigh 3llbs each, Turner Brown. White man faints, when he comes to he asks the black man to say that again. Black man repeats his statistics and says my name's...

Statistics humour

The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."

TIL: 5/7 People make up statistics on the spot.

There is a 50% chance this data lacks validity though.

I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk.

They're just staggering.

Two Statistics majors walk into a bar

What're the chances!

Statistics say that 95% of the population is dumb

I'm glad to be in the 10% that isn't.

I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

Statistics show that most Canadians are nosey.

They do, however, say "zed".

Statistics and mini skirts..

...they hide more than what they reveal.

What did Santa say to a Statistics class?

Null hypothesis Null hypothesis Null hypothesis

My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course

The aftermath was terrible.

I hate statistics jokes

They're all mean.

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According to statistics one in three people live next to a paedophile

Thankfully I just live next to some really hot 11 year olds

I looked up car crash statistics online

The results were very impacting

Frightening Statistic

This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:


Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00...

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