UPJOKE

### One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Most important body part..

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who is in charge.

Brain said "I should be incharge because I run all the body's systems. So without me, nothing would happen"

Blood said "I should be incharge because I circulate oxygen all over the body. Without me y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### One Ukrainian Jew to another: "Would you share this imported bottle of Scotch with me?"

The other: "Of course I would. But we barely have money for food. Where did you get Scotch?"

First: "I traded some Russian caviar for it."

Second: "But how did you get Russian caviar?"

First: "I traded some calamari to them for it."

Second: "But we're hundreds of kilomete...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Capital Letters Are Important

Capital letters can be just as important as commas and full-stops. For example, the sentence: "Let's help your Uncle Jack off his donkey" does *not* mean the same as "Let's help your uncle jack off his donkey".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

### With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

### What’s grey and not important?

An irrelephant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

### Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

### One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i...

### Jail importance

Why you should go in jail as an entrepreneur ?

- No cost of living
- gym and rehab park
- surrounded by hustlers
- taxes pay for you
- time off from family, gf , friends to focus on THE GRIND

### It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is \$2 vs \$2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Proper etiquette is important.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:

“If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Mike raised his...

### My wife said she wants feel more important

I told her that she’s at the top of my to-do list

### why do monarchs feel so important?

Because small changes in their initial conditions can lead to large-scale and unpredictable variation in the future state of the system.

### Did you hear about Trump's import tax assessment?

It's tariff-eyeing

### NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

### What's the most important part of the Popemobile?

The catholytic converter.

### A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the...

### The invention of the spoon was an important point in human history.

It caused…quite a stir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Communication is important! (NSFW)

A man returned home from the night shift job and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and made love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startl...

### I know a guy who gets his vodka imported from Central Africa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I was at an important job interview today..

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your fucking phone away, will you!?"

### Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

### Loyalty is very important for my wife...

My girlfriend doesn't care.

Funny how different sisters can be.

### WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

WIFE: Second: No you're not

### It's important to develop a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

I won.

### It’s important not to confuse metamorphic with igneous rock

After all, you can’t just take this schist for granite.

### It's important to read dating profiles carefully

I just got back from an evening with the smelliest person ever. My bad, I thought she said she was "aromantic".

### China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

### Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

### Importance

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. S...

### What’s Ukraine’s biggest import?

The Russian military.

### Education is important

I just found out my best friend slept with his teacher to improve his grade.
I wouldn't have minded so much...if he wasn't home schooled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### What are the two most important holes in a womans body?

No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!!

Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick.

### When is spell check the most important?

When you’re invited to a Donner Party.

### Fitness is important

Being healthy and in good shape is important. My grandmother understood this better than anyone. When she turned 75 she started walking 5 miles a day.
She's 90 now, and we have no idea where the hell she is.

### I used to think the brain was the most important organ

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that

### Your call is very important to us...

“Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."

### I now know why Groundhog Day is important.

It's literally an emerge and see.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

### An important thing to remember about the Peloponnesian Wars.

Neither side was "good" or "bad"

In fact there were gyros on both sides!

### What’s the most important quality for a worker at Bausch and Lomb?

Good Eye contact

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Importance of a name

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm rec...

### Importance of a good college education

A father is lecturing his son about the importance of a good education.

“Father, what’s the difference between a man with a college degree and a man without?” Said the son.

“Well son,” said the father, “you can perform the same job but the outcome will vary depending if you have a co...

he's the force.

### Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### It's very important to know the difference between urolgical and endocrinological terminology...

There's a vas deferens between a penis and a testicle, for example.

### Important Lesson

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Giving praise is important.

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach c...

### A Salesman is Late for an Important Meeting.

A Salesman is Late for an important meeting, but as he is driving around looking for a parking spot, he realises they are all taken. Desperately, he begins to pray

"Please lord!" He says, "If you let me find a spot I will attend church every week and never drink beer again!"

Suddenly, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### 4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

### Edumacation is important

Two guys are digging a hole in the blistering heat, while their foreman is sitting 20 ft away under a tree, in the shade.

One of the guys turns to the other and says “hey, why are we out here digging these holes and doing all the work all day, while he gets to just sit there in the shade and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A fart and a relationship have on important thing in common.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

### Kobe Bryant's death was an important and historic occasion.

It marked the first time he's passed in years.

### Its is very important to have a woman...

1. Who helps at home, who cooks from time to time and has a job.

2. Who can make you laugh.

3. Who you can trust and who does not lie to you.

4. Who likes to be with you.

5. The most important is that these four women do not know each other.

### I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend...

she said "Clearly not."

:-(

### A guy is late for an important meeting

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

### Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

### Tech companies stopped importing microchips into Russia

Due to supply disruption, Spuntik V vaccination campaign will be put on hold until sanctions are lifted.

### Important PSA!!

I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of this scam:

I was leaving the Wal-Mart on Main Street the other day and as I walked to my car, two gorgeous 18-year old girls approached me with a sob story about their car breaking down and needing a ride back to their place. Naturally I could...

### What is the largest land animal that is not important?

The irrelephant .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### What are the two most important holes on a woman?

The Nostrils. So she can breathe while giving me a blow job.

*My 10 year old brother told me this today

Spelling

Nature's.

### The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

### In these times of economic hardship and a looming recession, it's important to remember that Jesus Saves!

By using double coupons and shopping wisely.

### With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

### The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

### I thought, "What organ in the body is the most important?"

The immediate answer was, "The brain". That makes sense....................

Wait a minute, what organ in the body is telling me that?!

### To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember.....

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember that when you are being chased by a jaguar, jumping in a piranha-infested river is no help.

Jaguars are excellent swimmers.

### money isnt the most important thing in the world

A lot of money is

### The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for...

When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself....

### Do you know what's the most important thing in a relationship?

Trust! Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife?

### My baby is costing a fortune in import costs.

It only drinks milk that comes from a broad.

### What is the most important part of an automobile?

The nut that holds the wheel.

### Importance of Planning

Why planning is important?

One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the De...

Lenins & more

- The 'r'...

Accountability.

### Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

### As a Mormon, heritage is very important to me.

From a very young age, I learned all about my forefathers – *and my five mothers!*

### Important Annoucement

I’d like to give a big shout out to my deaf grandma.

Vaxen

### Gravity is really important as a fundamental force of nature.

But if you get rid of it you get gravy.

### People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Punctuation is so important

I learned that when I helped my uncle Jack off a horse

Papaya

### An old lady in her deathbed calls her husband for something important

"George, I want you to go in the attic and open the third drawer of the black polished furniture.
I want you to bring me what you find there."

The husband goes upstairs in the attic and finds the furniture near the entrance, he opens the third drawer and finds an egg box with 3 eggs in it,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Shizo Abe, Narendra Modi and Vladimir Putin are driving to an important conference.

It's nighttime and suddenly, their car breaks down in the middle of the countryside. They find shelter at a farm, the farmer offers them to sleep at his place but warns them: "I only have two spare beds, one of you will have to sleep in the barn. It's quite warm in there, but there are a deer and a ...

### Sometimes it's very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

### Rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part that is most useful when erect...

...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Fellas, always remember the importance of foreplay...

...when done correctly, a boob in hand gets two balls in the bush!

### This is an important statement about erectile dysfunction and male virility.

What, you thought it would be a joke? The punchline isn't coming.

The deal pickle!

### When people ask me what's more important, food or love?

I don't answer because I am eating.

### They say that going to school is important

but becoming a instagram model is importanter!

### Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

### My job is important.

Literally, I import ants.

### Antivaxers have one of the most important traits for being a good friend

They easily stay positive

### Most important mom rule

Sleep:

when the baby sleeps

Fold laundry:

when the baby folds laundry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

Is George Straight?
Is Marvin Gay?
Is Rebecca Black?
Is Barry White?

Sure makes Stevie Wonder!

### If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Why is capitalization important?

because using chemicals to remove polish is just an annoying thing people have to do with their nails but using chemicals to remove Polish is one of hitler's war crimes.

### People always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day…

But I’d argue that dinner is definitely in the top three

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.

"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doct...

### The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo

The Pope is on a visit to the US, riding in the back of a limo. The driver asks him if he needs anything.

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job...

### Biology is important

It’s a matter of life and death.