UPJOKE
instantminutemomentsecondjiffytimemissourisedaliahannibalslomonthmoeaugustoga

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who the fuck is Mo

And why do people keep saying he lested me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dwarf Buys a Racehorse

A Dwarf with a hairlip finds a racehorse for sale so he goes to see it.
He tells the man selling the horse that he will have to be lifted up to see what he needs to see, the man agrees.
the Dwarf says " furst i need ta see de eawrs"
the man lifts him up and the Dwarf says "vewy nice v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane and Bob decided to teach David

Jane and Bob had a 10-month-old baby named David. They loved David very much and were always with David. Then one day, Jane and Bob decided to teach David the words "Mom" and "Dad."

Jane : Could you say M-O-M

David : m.. mu..mum.. mom!

Bob : Great job, then D-A-D

David : ...

A guy walks into a prison

He gets off the bus and he meets this big brute infringe of him. The brute says
“What’s your crime and where are you from?”
The guy responds :
“Well I’m from Bradford, and I commuted arsine, but why? What do you need that for?”
The brute says: “well we all have nicknames, made from our c...

Inaudible audiobook premium, only from me 9.99$/mo

Variety of inaudible audio books available from me in all known languages

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like a shit sandwich......

the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

I pointed to the night sky and said, "Look, it's a mo!"

"A mo?" asked my friend. "What's a mo?"

I said, "A half-moon."

Waymo announces partnership with Will Smith

Wasn't it obvious? Where there's a Will, there's Way(mo).



So sorry. I had to get it out. I'll show myself out now.

Mo' Engineer vs Zen master

**One**

Engineer: My heart is filled with depression

Zen master: Young man, your depression is trivial like a single line on a paper, there are still a lot of space you can fill the paper with.

The engineer drew a Peano curve.

**Two**

Engineer: Master, they say I a...

A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.

Edit : Mother of three..

Edit2 : Mother of two...

Edit3 : Mother of one.....

Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

What do you call an intelligent sloth?

Slo-mo sapiens

what did the necrophiliac get at the funeral?

moUrning wood





W H E E E E E Z E ! ! !

Urgent message to all older men...

There has been a terrible spate of robberies by a gang of young women. Their MO is to pull you over on the road and hitch a ride. They always wear skimpy bikinis, then start to rub themselves on you while you're driving in order to distract you. One of them then sneakily steals your wallet. I have a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a DEA officer walks into a farm..

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”,

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his ...

My parents were both artists

I call them MoMA and Dada

A little boy is walking home from his friend's house,

When he sees something in the middle of the road. He bends over and picks up a picture of a smiling pretty girl holding up two fingers. He thinks, "Wow! What a cool picture! I'm going to show Mo-." The boy is hit by a truck and instantly dies. A man gets out of the truck in a panic and 911 already p...

Once upon a time, there was a happy family with 3 kids: Snowflake, Sandgrain, and Brick

One day, Snowflake went up to his mother and asked:

“Mommy! Why is my name Snowflake?”

“Well you see, when you were born, a little snowflake landed on your head. So we decided to name you after it.” She replied.

A couple days later, Sandgrain went up to his mother and asked:
...

A father has forbade his daughters from dating until they are 18.

On their 18th birthdays they of course all have dates. The father says "Your dates can pick you up, that way I can give 'em the once over". "Ok daddy" the 3 daughter's replied in unison. Later that night the first gentleman arrives, rings the doorbell, and the father answers the door with a shotg...

Jesus and Moses......

Were up in Heaven fishing in a lake and drinking a couple of beers. About an hour in, Jesus looks at Moses and asks him, “Hey Mo, you think you still got it?” Moses asks, “separating the water??? Man it’s been a looooong time but I’ll give it a shot.” Moses proceeds to stand up in the boat and in a ...

What do you call a Muslim that eats pork?

Mo' Ham Head

Was walking in front of my 4 year old daughter today who got me with this doozy today.

Daughter: Kock Kock!

Me: Who’s There?

Daughter: Impatient Cow!

Me: impatient Cow Who?

Daughter: MoOoooOoOOVE IT!

Me: **Proud moment**

My friend's mother just had quadruplets

I asked him "What did she name them?"

My friend told me "Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Fred"

I asked "Fred? What about Mo?"

My friend responded "She don't want no Mo"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

Susie Lee Done Fell In Love

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Su...

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A business man was robbed in Las Vegas on his way to the airport

After he had checked out of the hotel late at night, 2 muggers have robbed his purse, mo and notebook, leaving him behind with his luggage.

He had hours left to get to the airport, and he was lucky that his ticket was at the side compartment of his luggage. He walked up to the street to the ...

A joke I heard in a Chinese film - Ip Man 3

Ah Mo was walking toward the table with the other men from work when one of them said

"If your wife controls you, go sit at that other table over there."

So, all of the men but Ah Mo moved to the other table.

The other men, upon seeing that Ah Mo didn't join them, started compl...

Why did Netflix lose 250 dollars?

Because all of Mo'Niques fans cancelled their subscription.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mercurial rocker hands out backstage passes...

A mercurial rocker of a popular band was known to give out many backstage passes. Now this happens all the time in the music industry; however this rocker always handed out the same pass to many women, and never changed it. The pass was for Tulsa OK, and he'd give out the large TULSA backstage pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds a genie...

G: Im here to grant you one wish! What will you wish for?
M: Easy. I wish for mo...
G: You can’t wish for more wishes.
M: Fuck. ....hmmm .... I know what I want.
G: Your wish is my command.
M: I want to have sex with you!
G: Ok please dont you want to think again?
M: No. I want ...

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses are in Heaven, fishing from a rowboat. As they were
fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed when they
were on Earth. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they
each decided to do one of their miracles.

So, Moses stood up and extended ...

Why does a pirate prefer to drink in a bar that serves rum, instead of gin?

Because it has mo'lasses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman 9 months pregnant with triplets is standing in a bank.

She is waiting in line when a masked gunman storms in and fires blindly hitting the woman three times in the stomach. She survives the bank robbery but goes into labor. She has two girls and a boy. Miraculously she survives and so do the triplets. Causing no issues the doctors decided that surgery o...

A joke from one of the Ip Man movies

A man named Mo is out dining with his friends. He says, "We're all henpecked (*whipped*). Don't believe me? If your wife is the boss, go sit over there."

All the men, heads low, moved to the other table. Only Mo stayed.

"Wow, Mo, you're the man!" said his friends.

Mo replies, "W...

A flea walks down the beach...

..he see's another flea laying in the sand; frozen and shivering.
"Oh buddy," he said. "What happened?"

"Ww-wWell I wW-Wwas riding in somMMe guy's mustache, and he r-r-rode a moMotorcycle all the way to the beach. I'm frFReezing!."

The other flea took pity on him and gave him some ...

What do you get if you mix.....

Mexicans with Samoans?

Some mo Mexicans!

Three men are waiting at the gates to heaven

When they are told they will receive a better car, the more loyal they were to their wives.

The first man approaches St. Peter and St. Peter says "you sir were very loyal to your wife you get a Lamborghini" the man thanks St. Peter, gets in his car and drives through the gates.

The sec...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.