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Said Jokes

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

Trump said...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

This isn'...

I accidentally said “Gazuntite” after my crush sneezed.

Now she’s staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

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“Fucking kids are expensive”, I said

“Is”, my lawyer replied.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.

'Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

My Roman doctor said I needed an IV.

I asked: “For what?”

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

a scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

My buddy said, "What rhymes with orange?"

I pondered for a while and thought..."No, it doesn't."

My hot female doctor said I was sweet!!

Her exact words were, severely diabetic, but I know what she meant..

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"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

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My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

My wife said I look like a Greek god.

Her actual words were "Put your clothes on, we're in a museum" but I know what she meant.

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"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include *The Nun's Priest's Tale*"

"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "*The Nun's Priest's Tale* is l...

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Wher...

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My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"



(To whoever reposts this: the correct spelling is actually *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*)

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

My girlfriend said to me "Are you even listening to me?!"

Strange way to start a conversation.

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80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes.

Actually, they said “Yes! Oh God, Yes!”

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My blind girlfriend said my dick was big

But I think she was pulling my leg.

UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!

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My girlfriend said that having a 3" penis is okay.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Robin said to Batman...

"Batman, why do you wear dark colors?"

"Easy Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"

"Then why do I wear bright colors?"

"It also makes me less likely to be shot."

I said to my nephew, "What is that you are drinking?" and he said, "Soy milk."

So I said, "Hola, Milk. Permitame presentarme. Yo me llamo Uncle Dave."

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”

The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

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The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome

At first I was afraid...

During an interview, my boss-to- be said that she only had 3 openings

I said "I know"

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

The Queen always said her corgis were like children to her.

So it makes sense that they’ve been given to Prince Andrew.

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My wife said sex was much better on vacation.

That wasn't a very nice post card to receive.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

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my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes

My girlfriend said if this gets 1000 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

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They said that my dad was gay.

Now I am trying to figure out which one.

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over.

So I packed her things and left.

Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”

I don’t even know where that is!

My wife said to me, "What starts with 'F' and ends in 'K'"?

I said, "No, it does'nt"

A chemist froze himself at -273.15 °C, everyone said he was crazy

He was 0K

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

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My gf said men only think with their penis.

I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

I joined a local scat group on Facebook recently who said they were having a meet up

Once I showed up and saw what they were doing to each other, I realized my mistake and skiddy-be-bop-a-do’d out of there as fast as I could.

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

My wife came home and said “I’ve been selling my body for money today and I’ve made £300 and 50p”, I said who the hell gave you 50p.

She said “all of them”.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

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I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

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My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I’m trying to give you a physical

In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs.....''

I said "I'm on drugs? you're the one talking to dogs."

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

My wife just said to me, you're an eight on a scale of ten.

I'm confused why did she ask me to Urinate on a Skeleton?

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My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

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"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

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[NSFW] Recently, I asked a woman what she'd like to see in a man and she said "honesty". She asked me what I'd like to see in a woman and I said...

My penis

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

My wife said she could smell an Indian flatbread from a mile away.

I said that was naan scents.

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

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It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

"I'm dating a biologist," said the man...

"And I don't like to brag, but when I go over to her place, she always has multiple organisms."

Ordered Jack and Coke. Bartender asked if Pepsi was ok. I said sure

So he made me a Pepsi and Coke

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Got dumped because she said I was obsessed with boat puns

Canoe believe that?

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said...

So he gave it to her.

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

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My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

My wife said, “The Last of Us is a strange show, don’t you agree?”

Me: Yeah, but I’ve seen Stranger Things on Netflix.

The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f...

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

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I called my friend and said "hey I have a joke for you.."

Friend :"ok, shoot."

Me: " what has a tiny penis, and hangs down?"

Friend: " I dunno, what?"

Me: " A bat... now, what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

Friend" I dunno what?"

*click*

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

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Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toas...

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

My wife asked for a divorce today. Said a was too un-American.

Saw it coming from a kilometer away.

I tried changing my password to "brazildefense" but Reddit said it was too weak

hope you find it funny!

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My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"

I said, "Why are you shouting?"

She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny..

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mothe...

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she'd like to have another baby.

I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."


Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous.

Well... Not right now but I will!

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

My ex said I was a “contrarian”

I disagree.

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My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

My girlfriend said I treat her like a dog.

I said, "that's a big stretch."

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

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