Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

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Was having dinner with the in laws and the MIL said ….

….’How many potatoes would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cunt”

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

My buddy just saw the Chernobyl documentary. As someone that grew up there he said it was really inaccurate.

He was able to count 6 errors on one hand.

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

The carpenter who was nailed to some wood

##

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting "help me please, I'm shrinking" The Doctor calmly said "now settle down a bit"..

.."you'll just have to learn to be a little patient"

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..

"You know one would have been enough"

I said to my wife while in the bedroom "Your underwear is too tight and revealing"

"Wear your own then" she replied..

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A man sits next to me on the train and pulls out his phone showing me a photo of his girlfriend on his background screen, and said “she’s beautiful isn’t she?”

I go “if you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife…”

He goes “why, is she a stunner?”

I replied “no, she’s an optician”

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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My wife came running up to me and said

"That guy at the bar said he wanted to fill my pussy with lager and drink it out of me. What are you gonna do about it." I said "Nothing, i'm not messing with someone who can drink 25 pints of lager.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the ...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

If “I am” is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language...

Could it be that “I do” is the longest one?

My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought that was a pretty weird way to start a conversation.

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

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My girlfriend walked into the room and said “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

“do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?” I asked

“Yes” she replied

“I fucked your sister”

An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbour, naked walking around his bedroom with blinds open.

Police turn up and says to her, sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence and a bush blocking the view.

She replies, you can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

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I said to a blonde girl, I bet you a blowjob I can sing a song with your name in it, no way says the blonde my name is Chantelle, so I bet you, Ok I said here we go....

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chantelle happy blow job for me...

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My wife was screaming and yelling at the tv, “Don’t go to church you stupid bitch,” I said “what are you watching?”

She said, “Our wedding video.”

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

what did the shark said when he ate the clownfish

this tastes a bit funny

I passed by a roadside stand that said "lobster tails: $2"

So I stopped, paid my $2 and the man said,

"Once upon a time, there was a lobster..."

"I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date

"Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..

Cop said papers

I said scissors and won so I sped off

guess he wants a rematch cause he's been chasing me for 20 minutes

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

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'Take off my shirt' she said.

'Take off my shirt' she said, so I took it off.

'Take off my skirt' she said, so I took it off.

she said 'Take off my shoes', so I did.

'Now take off my bra and panty', so I did.

Then she looked at me and said 'I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again asshol...

My friend said he couldn't pay his water bill....

so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, “Nah..."

"I’s probably womb temperature!"

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

When my wife said she'd be with me until I was old and gray

I did not realize she meant 37

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My mama always said life was like a penis

When it gets hard...fuck it

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said 'This didn't happen by accident'

I said ' if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer' .

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?...

And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life...

But David came fifth and won a toaster

A man went to the doctor and said: "Doc, I broke my arm in 12 places."

The doctor replied: "Well, stop going to those places then."

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

I’m not going back to work until my boss takes back what he said…

You’re fired

What did Offspring of Groot said to him

I am Fruit!

The judge said "You really want the jury to believe.....

that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, wild animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"

"Yes, your honour", I said............ "I was badgered into it."

Edit : changed one word.

Do you know what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket?

Watch me kick this bucket.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me unless I promised to stop quoting oasis all of the time

I said maybe

My Crush just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she's staring at the bushes confused, wondering who said that.

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

The doctor said to me, we need to talk about your weight.

I said, well it was about 25minutes but the chairs are quite comfortable.

A woman walked up to me at the swimming pool and said she could see something bulging in my Speedos.

When I looked down at my crotch she said, "No, the other side..."

Why didn't Genghis Khan's army move when he said "Charge"?

Because none of them understand English.

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What grasshopper said after having sex with mantis?

The rasshopper said: OK I know you're going to rip my head off and eat me now but it was worthy.

The mantis replies: don't worry only the female mantis do that.

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

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My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I mumbled, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

A young woman approached a salesman in a department store and said, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

The salesman motioned with his finger and said, "Come this way."

"If I could come that way," she snapped, "I wouldn't need the damn vibrator."

My GF said she was fed up with me acting like a detective.She wanted to split up.

I said,Good Idea,That way we can cover more ground!

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

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I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg

Thats a ton of bullshit !

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The prostitute dressed again and said,

“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”

My friend was so convinced of flat earth, he said he was going to Antartica to find the edge.

He came around eventually.

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My boss said that salary should not determine job satisfaction.

"Try telling billions of parents that ejaculation should not determine sexual satisfaction," was enough to get me fired.

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting ...

I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum."

I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

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The doctor gave an old patient a canister and said to bring in a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the patient returned, but the canister was empty.

He said, "I tried with my right hand, but it didn't work."

"I tried with my left hand, but it didn't work."

"I called in my wife and she tried with her right hand, but it still didn't work. Then she tried with her le...

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She said little things make her happy

but she wasn’t really happy when I sent her the picture of my dick.

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

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My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

Person 1: Someone said you look like an owl

Person 2: Who?

My dad said he'll kick me out for stealing from his kitchen

Well that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said,

"Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"

"No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

I was shopping for a car and asked the salesman the sticker price. He said $200. 'Not much for a car,' I said.

'The car's extra' he said.

My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water

I know she means well.

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Friday night, Patrick went to his friend Paddy and said

"Paddy, I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?"

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Patrick was a lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with ...

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My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"

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“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.

“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?”

“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?”

“About 5 times a year.”

“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a littl...

The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"

The patient said "Yes I'm ready"

The dentist said "I slept with your wife"

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My sexy date said she'd be impressed if I did something funny to the local farmer's vehicle.

I did whatever I could to a tractor.

A duck went to the bakery. He ask the baker: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No" said the baker.

The next day the duck returned to the bakery and ask again: "hi do you have some seeds?", "No, this is a bakery duck, we don't sell seeds here..."
And so the duck keep on going to the bakery every day and ask for some seeds. One day the baker had enough. "Listen duck", he said, "We don't sell se...

14 year old brother said this

Lmao maybe not funny to some, but I thought it was clever. He said "gonna make a one man human centipede... call that a roly poly!"

“So Jesus,” God said, “You said that when you saw the money-changers in the temple you…turned into a tiny crucifix?”

“No,” Jesus said, “I said I became a little cross!”

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

My girlfriend said she'd slip into something appealing

I wasn't expecting the banana costume.

An old Jewish man is lying on his deathbed with his wife Becky by his side. He looked at her and said, "Becky, many years ago we were in Germany when the war began. Becky, you were by my side.

The Germans came and take us to their camps. Becky, you were by my side.

We leave Germany after the war and we come to London and we have very little money. Becky, you were by my side.

We buy the jewelers shop and we have some bad times, we were beaten and robbed. Becky, you were...

Doctor said i have ED

I just can't beat it.

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

When they said I would be making a profit,

that's when I started gaining interest.

They said this new programming language was so easy even a mafia enforcer can learn it in a month.

I thought mafiosi was just a random example but then I saw the way it combines the operators "or" and "else".

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess!"

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ...

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photocopier."

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

The doctor said I had one year to live

So I killed him and the judge gave me 35 years.

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

My girlfriend broke up with me, she said I was bad at communicating.

I didn't know how to respond.

I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.”

So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.

He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.”

An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pe...

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

I said to my wife “You are my drug”

She said: “Oh wow is it because you can’t get enough of me?”

I replied: “No because you cost so much money and you’re ruining my life”

i passed my dad on the stairs and said "hi"

he looked me dead in the eyes and said "no, but i'd like to be"

I was feeling poorly so I went to the doctors. After a thorough investigation, he said “don’t eat anything fatty”. I asked “Do you mean fries, burgers, etc?”

He replied “No! Don’t eat anything, FATTY!”

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

My wife said that I'm a neglectful father.

"What are you talking about?" I shouted. "I took our daughter to the park this morning."

"Yes," she snapped. "And you ought to have brought her home with you."

My wife said I was a God in bed.

Her exact words were "You're a God damn pain in my ass," but I know what she meant.

My psychiatrist said I might be a psychopath….

Good news is atleast I’m on a path

My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son...

but I don't think lizards make very good pets for babies.

An interviewer said to the candidate

An interviewer said to the candidate ,"Here we need responsible people whom we can count on"

Candidate: "Oh then I'm perfect for the job; in my last job i was responsible when anything went wrong"

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

She said I have an infectious smile

I smiled and now she has urine infection.

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

An award winning reporter held a finger out to their boss and said...

pulitzer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

I returned to my hotel after an evening of drinking, so I went to the front desk. “Excuse me, I don’t remember what room I’m in.” I said.

“No problem,” said the receptionist. “You’re in the lobby.”

My Ex said, she missed me

normally i'd say that's flattering

but she is already reloading.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain…”
“God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said,

"You touch my stuff and I will kill you. I catch you staring at me and I will kill you. You touch me and I will kill you."

I thought to myself, "Just got here and I'm already married."

I was in a taxi today. The driver said "I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do."

I said "turn left here."

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

I saw a sign that said "Free Afghanistan"

But it turns out someone already claimed it.

My friend came up to me and said, "Dude I'm starting a sweatshirts business. It's going to be huge".

I said "Alright make sure you have it in small and medium also."

My girl said her safe word

My girl said her safe word is “Meatloaf” because she would do anything for love but she won’t do that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused” ...

I’d be thinking “where the fuck did all these nickels come from?”

My girlfriend said, "If you don't quit drinking, I'll leave you."

I never expect to hear two bits of good news in one day.

My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

And God said “let there be light”

Then on the 30th day, he received his bill and yelled…

“Turn the damn thing off when you leave the room”.

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

I went to the doctor and, he said, "Pick a star sign?" Any star sign?

I said, "Capricorn."

He said, "No, you've got Cancer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Just saw a fun fact that said, "Babies are more likely to be born on Tuesdays."

As opposed to what? ADULTS being born on Tuesdays?

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