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Warned Jokes

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question (Warning not suitable for people under the aged of 18 you have been warned)

Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?
None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away,
Well, the answer is four, said the teacher, but i like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny says i have a question for you. If t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

A farmer sold an old horse, but warned the buyer she didn't look too good.

The buyer insisted she looked well enough and bought her. A few days later, the buyer came back, complaining the horse kept bumping into things.

"The old mare's completely blind!" he shouted.

"Well, I told you she didn't look too good," the farmer replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

Dark joke be warned

Why does the crippled kid always get picked on?





Cause he can't (stand up) for himself

Please don't get offended

My wife warned me to stop making breakfast puns…

She said I’d be toast. I replied, our son keeps egging me on, he’s such a ham.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

Pretty dark you’ve been warned

Why does Obama give his speeches behind bullet proof glass? I know he’s black and all but I doubt he’ll shoot anyone.

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn't listen.

And now, the end is near.

You've been warned

A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor.
"Is that the dog we're supposed to be aware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look at all dangerous to me. Why would you post t...

I was warned not to build my house next to a home for recovering Objectophiliacs

They said “if you build it, they will come”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...

My doctor warned me one of the side effects of my new medication was an increased urge to gamble

I told her I’d bet $50 that wouldn’t happen to me.

To the person who stole my glasses,be warned,I'll definitely find you...

I've my contacts...

(This one’s a tad dark… you’ve been warned) What do the movies The 6th Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

You've been warned

TO WHOEVER STOLE MY BROKEN BATHROOM SCALE.
YOU WON'T GET A WEIGH WITH THIS!

Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole

I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

Nerdy financial humor. You have been warned.

I started showing more interest in one of my investments.

It appreciated it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man hooking up with a lady warned her at the bar, "You should know I have a baby-sized Penis"

The lady says that's just fine and size doesn't matter.

They get to his apartment and he pulls down his pants, showing off an absolutely massive penis unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" she shrieks in terror.

"I told you I had a baby-sized Penis...

I met a woman who warned me not to approach Dio.

If I did, he would stop time and flatten me with a steamroller.

I decided to ignore her and challenge him anyways.

As I lay there dying on the ground, I take solace knowing that the woman is laughing at me in such a way that she looks just as stupid as I do.

TL;DR... I'm no all-...

My orthodontist warned me to expect disruption to his services, owing to the coronavirus pandemic.

“Brace yourself”, he said.

My daddy always warned me about the 3 rings of marriage:

the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-

Wife: Shhh, say snake instead

Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit

Close one

Be warned, if you are in the shower, I may Pikachu.

But, it's only 'cause I'm trying to see the Jigglypuffs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

Th...

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