Told Jokes - 149 Hilarious Told Jokes

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I told my wife I wanted to be creamated.

She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Edit : Dangit. I meant cremated... Where were ya on that one autocorrect..? 🤦🏻‍♂️

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A dirty joke told by 85yo grandpa to the whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at...

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

I was told, I would never be good at poetry, since I’m dyslexic…

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase… and they look very nice, if you ask me.

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm ...

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

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My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

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My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

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My 8 year old niece told me this yesterday...

A man goes to the fish market and walks up to a stall. There is a young boy selling fish. The boy is shouting "BUY MY DAMN FISH!". The man says you can't say that! The boy responds. "What do you mean? I caught them at the dam. These are dam fish." The man says okay and buys some and brings them home...

My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll ...

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out that she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

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I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

What happened to the Twitter employee, that told Elon Musk not to rename the company?

He became an X employee!

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

My husband told me he'd slept with seven people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means.

I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

My Math teacher told me 0! = 1

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…

I He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

The furniture store salesman told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning

She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”

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Joke told by my 90 year old grandma

A business man who owns a company wanted to travel for a business meeting. He was scared that his wife was gonna cheat on him with his employees while he's gone, so he decides to put a machine on his wife's thighs that will cut off anything that comes near it.
He traveled and finally came back, h...

What i If told you:

You read the title wrong.

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Someone told me to write a haiku for them. I was like,

"I'm not doing that. Write your own goddam haiku." The nerve of some folks.

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . .

As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

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So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

My wife told me she's pregnant.

So I told her, "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...

Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

A friend told me my thinking is too one-dimensional.

I can't imagine y.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

My daughter just told me this and it made me laugh more than it should have...

Teacher: What was that noise?

Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.

Teacher: Why was it so loud?

Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.

I told a Saudi friend my best joke and he didn't get the reference.

It's like he's living under Iraq.

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Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump...

I said ok.. Biden

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My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

I told my wife that I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

Her: How would you find the time?

Me: Easy. It’ll be right next to the sage.

My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...

I had to put my foot down

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed

Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.

My girlfriend just told me, “I’m leaving you.”

Me: Is it because I’m too literal?

Her: Well, it’s because we aren’t working out.

Me: No problem. Let’s get a gym membership together.

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My friends were very supportive when I told them about my addiction to masturbation.

They said I would beat it.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

A very 1950's naughty joke my very proper Mother told...

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."

The...

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor...

....if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40...

My wife has just told me to pack my bags and get out.

As I walked through the door she screamed : “ I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery and pain”

I said: “make your mind up, one minute your telling me to get out and now you want me to stay”

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies "I'm burying my gol...

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

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This is the first dirty joke my dad ever told me

So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can yo...

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My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That’s….not a good sign.

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

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My friend told me, “I’ve got great news. My wife is pregnant.”

Me: Excellent. Do you know the sex?

Him: Of course we know “the sex”. How else would she get pregnant?

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

I visited my doctor today, he told me that I’m going deaf.

That was difficult to hear.

I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!"

I was like, "Yahweh"

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" POOF

He disappeared without a tres.

**edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

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An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."

The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."

"That is correct...

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I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex

She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

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"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied.

"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

I told a fencing joke on Reddit once.

Turned out to be a riposte.

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

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A teenage monk joins a monastery and is told the rules.

Which basically consist of this: silence at all times except, every 20 years, you are allowed to appear before the head monk and speak two words. In his enthusiasm, he agrees.

Twenty years pass. A little disillusioned, he appears before the head monk, the same one who hired him. "Speak your t...

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.

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