My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

My dogs hair was getting long so I told my friend about it

He told me to go to the groomers

I don’t see how the pope is gonna help

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo...

I had to put my foot down.

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

So my husband told me I look better without my glasses

I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

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Amy Schumer told people she wanted to be a comedian and they laughed

Now she’s a comedian and no one’s laughing

I told my wife, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

She said, “What do you expect — you’re in a wheelchair!”

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

What did Pete Townsend say when Roger Daltrey told him that he'd lost his favorite old lime-colored belt?

"Relax. It's only a green, aged, waistband."

My grandfather once told me, "When one door closes, another one opens."

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

This is the only dirty joke my mother ever told me (translated from arabic, hope it makes sense)

A husband that didn't like his wife's cooking put a note on the fridge after he had enough "god loves people that do something they like in a good way".

She then preceeds to take the note and put it above their bed.

A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.

A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."

Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool bo...

I told my friend that he had his shoes on the wrong feet.

He said, "These are the only feet I have, genius."

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My doctor told me to stop masturbating

I ask for how long

"At least until I'm done with your exam"

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’m feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other m...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

My girlfriend was furious with me when i told her i put ginger in her favourite curry..

She really loved that cat.

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

I told the cute girl at the grocery store that I wanted to make her mine. Was all smiles and as happy as anything...

For some reason, she got mad when I gave her a pick axe and a helmet with a light on the front.

A girl told me to blow my load on her face...

But when I tried, it just dribbled out and she started laughing.

I said "Hey! Don't make fun of my shortcomings."

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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Here's a joke told to me by my ancient high school band director in rural Oklahoma many years ago

Mr. Band Director loved to tell the story of how his ancestors came to settle in Oklahoma during the days of pioneers, covered wagons, and frequent, often bloody misunderstandings with the local natives.

One day his great-grandfather was leading the conestogas when off in the distance he hear...

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

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Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. I went into the fridge the next day and grabbed a beer

Cause I'm not going to listen to a fucking drunk talking to themselves.

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I met a girl at a bar who told me that she only dates men with 7inch dick.

Bitch I'm not going to cut 3 inches for you.

My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.

But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places

He told me to stop going to those places.

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked. I said, "All of them."

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I was told that women love a man in uniform.

I can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.

My blonde girlfriend told me that she wanted something "long and hard" for her birthday

So I gave her a math problem.

A joke my dad told me today

Two old fishermen are fishing under a bridge. A funeral procession passes over the bridge. One of the old fishermen stands up, takes his hat off and bows his head.

The second old fisherman says “Wow, that was really respectful of you to do.”

The first old fisherman says “Thanks, it’s t...

I told my best friend I was dying.

Him: "Oh my God! What have all the doctors said?"

Me: "Goodbye mostly"

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other

My parents told me that they don't have a favourite child.

It was tough, considering I am the only child.

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer a tragic heartbreaking loss in 12 years

So to cheer myself up I got a puppy

my favourite Norm joke as told on his first Letterman appearance

So I had this dream today, you ever have this dream, and then you wake up, right in the middle of a great dream, and then you're back in the middle of your stinkin life again?

So then you try to fall asleep - redream it. Man that never works. Always end up with some weird mutation of your ori...

I TOLD my wife:

“Your underwear is far too revealing”.

She replied: “Wear your own then!”

I told her she is adopted and….

She just walked away and meowed for food

Not sure if this has been told already if so ignore. What do rednecks do for Halloween?

Pump-kin

What I if told you…

That you read the top line wrong?

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

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My girlfriend told me to stop watching porn, saying it degrades women.

Joke's on her, the porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

Told my husband I want to be cremated.

He made me an appointment for Tuesday.

What do you call it when your alligator stops doing what it’s told?

A reptile dysfunction.

I was told that I needed to read the room

So I am now a librarian.

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

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My conjoined twin told me a great joke earlier.

It was so funny, I almost pissed himself.

my six year old told me this joke he made

Why doesn’t the pig want to go to the fresh juice shop?

Cause he doesn’t want to get squeezed!

My wife told me, There's no such things as problems, just opportunities. "

That's great, I thought. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity !!

I told my friend I've been seeing spots lately.

He said, "Have you seen a doctor?"
I replied, "No, just spots."

I just told my best friend I loved her.

She wagged her tail and licked my face.

A Dad told his fat son he was very good at everything.

Son: Why did you say that dad?
Dad: Because you are all rounded.

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, "Me, how?"

My friend told me a joke about Sisyphus.

It had me rolling.

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

I'd like to tell you a joke my grandma told me about telling jokes

But I never meta

I told my kids I wanted to be a trans-parent

They knew I was joking because they could see right through me

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If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

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I will never forget what my grandpa told me right before he died

"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

A man told his servant, "Call me a taxi, Larry"

The servant replied, "Sure sir, You're a taxi."

My boss told me he's not going to pay me if I keep having erections at work

I told him that's my hard-earned money

My friend didn't believe me when I told her I could build a car entirely out of spaghetti.

She was very skeptical, but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

My dad told me he started listening to BTS.

I replied, "'K, Pop."

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I told my wife that I have the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

She said, "It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

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My great grandfather told me a joke from his time in WW2

“A German man, a Japanese man and an Italian man walk into a BAR.”

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

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Called the boss today and told him i can't come in because I'm sick.

Boss: How sick are you?



Me: Well I'm fucking my sister!

A woman told me I was the biggest she'd ever had..

Apparently ditto wasn't the correct repsonse

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My friend told me he was asexual

Didn't know he meant a sexual predator...

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Someone once told me masturbating would make you go blind.

I had to contain my laughter as he was facing the wall saying it.

i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

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My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.


—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

My brother told me to make a bucket list so i did

Bucket List :

1. Plastic Bucket
2. Metal Bucket
3. Mop Bucket

Just in case nobody told you today…

I’m beautiful.

The school called a woman and told her: "Your son has been telling lies"

"You're right", she replied, "I don't have any kids."

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

I was stuck at this boring get-together so I told everyone that I was gonna grab a couple of cold ones and head out…

I didn’t think it was a big deal but everyone at the funeral home was freaking out.

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Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

My wife told me last week that I needed to exercise more and do lunges.

But that’s a huge step forward.

I would have told a joke about skyrim

But they keep getting dunmer and dunmer.

I told a joke about an airplane to my friends, but they didn't laugh.

It flew over their heads.

The postman told me he was going on holiday to spain tomorrow

I asked if he was going to parcelona

I told my friend I had just landed a job in a bowling alley.

"Ten pin?" He asked. "No" I replied, "it's permanent"

My friend called me the other day and told me he hated working at the can recycling plant

He said it was, “soda pressing”

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

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I told my friend I was gay. His response? D:

Guess he wants my big D next to his colon.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt

She felt the same way

So I turned on the air conditioner

My friend told me I have a massive ego.

I told him that was impossible.

Because an ego would imply a fault, in which I have none.

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

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My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.

It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

My doctor told me I would be deaf in 2 years

I haven't heard from him since

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The therapist told me that I need to work on my trust issues,

But I don't think he has my best interests in mind.

While on holiday in the US, l was talking to the hotel receptionist about my stay. I told her about when l was bullied by a cop for speeding, she asked me what state l was in.

Bloody furious, l replied.

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I told my genie I wish not to die a virgin

He granted me immortality.

My friend just told me he’s got these little lightsaber chopsticks he uses when he eats ramen.

I told him he should use the forks.

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

The rest of my class complained when we were told we're getting the Classical Civilisation class, but I don't understand why.

It's such an interesting topic. I've always wanted to learn about my parents' childhood.

My best friend went to prison because he kept stealing things from people's gardens. He was just released but my wife told me not to invite him to our BBQ next week.

I feel a bit bad. I hope he doesn't take a fence.

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I told a black man this morning I don’t see color...

He told me that’s nice, he still had to write me a ticket for running a red light.

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

I told my Grandma to act her age

She died

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

My friend told me Sapporo is the largest city in Hokkaido

Ainu

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Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like *'can't wait!' 'can't wait!'* and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year...

My dietitian once told me "You are what you eat."

That was his last words though, I am a dietitian now.

I’ve always been told that you shouldn’t tell jokes at other people’s expense.

Which makes me question the ethics of charging people to watch stand up comedy.

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My girlfriend told me sex was best on vacation.

Not the best post card I have received.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

I went out with a girl who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around.

I told her, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

My father in law told me

When he was a kid they were so poor, his dad would cut holes in their pockets so they'd have something to play with.

When I woke in the hospital, I was told they'd had to use a defibrillator on me.

It was quite a shock to the system.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

Coach after a lost match: I told you to play like never before...

Not like you never played before!

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

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