This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

"I want a divorce" I told the judge. "All my wife does every night is go from bar to bar to bar.

"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.

"Fu***ng looking for me."

Today, a psychic told me I'd witness an unbelievable pain in 12 years.

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

What I if told you…

That you read the top line wrong?

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No it doesn't."

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

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My girlfriend told me to stop watching porn, saying it degrades women.

Joke's on her, the porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

The teacher told the girls in the class to start screaming and running out of class every time John lied

It was the perfect revenge prank

Once John entered, the teacher asked why he was late, he answered “They’re building a strip club right across my house”

The girls then started screaming and running out of class, John just looked confused and said

“chill out hoes they’re not hir...

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt

She felt the same way

So I turned on the air conditioner

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

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My girlfriend told me sex was best on vacation.

Not the best post card I have received.

The doctor told me I'm going deaf...

The news was hard for me to hear

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

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I told my genie I wish not to die a virgin

He granted me immortality.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

My doctor told me my body had run out of magnesium

0mg!

I was always told “you lose a lot of friends after deciding to better yourself”

I never believed it until all of my friends disappeared after I started taking my schizophrenia medication

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

My dietitian once told me "You are what you eat."

That was his last words though, I am a dietitian now.

I told my wife she draws her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded, "The gas, electric and cable company."

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

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I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, “You have to try to relax, It looks like you’re two tents.”

After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

My girlfriend told me I listened to too much Linkin Park

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.

He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I Keep The Letters?

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

My wife told me, “Every day, you should do at least 20 sit-ups.”

I said, “That sounds like physical ab use.”

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes..

She hugged me. =/

My parents told me I could be anyone I want to be.

But it turns out that identity theft is a crime.

My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian

Well nobody's laughing now

Joke told by my 8 years old niece: At what time do most people go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty

Joke my grandpa told me.

So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for three shots. The bar tender asks why 3? The guys says he has 2 brothers. one who lives in England, one who lives in Scotland. He says he has a shot for all 3 of them, so it feels like he’s with the. The bartender give the guy his three shots. The...

I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to

grow a pear

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I told my son that masturbation is perfectly normal and heathy and nothing to be embarrassed about.

"OK, Dad," he said, "but could you do it somewhere else please?"

I heard 2 older married couples talking when one of the men told the other he went to a great restaurant.

When he was asked what it was called he looked puzzled and said "what's that flower, the one people always give?"

"A rose?"

"Yes! Rose, that's it" he then looks at the woman beside him "hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"

My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction

I said, “where did that come from?"

I told my daughter, "Go to bed. The cows are in the field."

Puzzled, she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I told her, "That means it's pasture bedtime!"

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Told this girl I wanted to see some wet pussy.

She said look in the mirror and cry

My gf told me that I act like a clown

It was so unexpected and upsetting I stopped juggling and almost fell off my unicycle.

A joke as told to me verbatim by my 4yo son: What's a Skeleton's favorite instrument to play?

A TromBONE!
Haha, Get it, Daddy? Because skeletons are made out of *BONES!* HA HA HA!

Me: DOOT DOOT!!

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My doctor told me I am very sick

He won’t check out my porn recommendations anymore.

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

Little Susie came home from school and told her mum the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels

"you should tell them No, they only want to see your knickers" said her mum

"I know that, that's why I hide them in my bag"

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs. I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.

I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

My father told me that his password is "MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin"

Because he was told his password should contain at least 8 characters and one capital.

One of my buddies told me a joke about turkeys...

Dont remember how it went, but it was pretty baste

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My doctor told me I'm a sick, sick individual ...

... and he added that he'll never again take any of my recommendations for porn sites.

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

My 5 year old son told me this one, I am still amazed: What do French Frogs eat?

French Flies

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

I told a chemistry joke today...

There was no reaction. :)

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

I was checking in a hotel, and the guy at reception told me that my room was upgraded.

I said, “Sweet!”

Reception guy: Exactly Sir.

I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us.

“Nonsense” she said.

I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed.

So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl

For instance ;
My name
Address and phone number.

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I called in sick to work. Told them I have anal glaucoma.

When they asked what that was, I explained I just couldn’t see my ass going into work today.

I told my dad that I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad: "You could do much better."

Me: "Thanks dad"

Dad: "I was talking to your girlfriend."

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

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I told my wife that I was going to stop running around my local roads and join a gym instead.

“Why?” she asked. “You’re in much better shape than you were before, and it hasn’t cost a cent!”

“Yes” I replied, “But I’m tired of having to outrun that fucking coyote.”

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My wife told me that her vagina is a jurisdictional wetland

and now I have to buy a permit if I want to fill it.

My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much

I told them, “Just you wait!”

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I told my friend that I knew a famous constipated English detective.

He said. “No shit Sherlock.”

I guess he knew him too.

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After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

A friend of mine one told me: "If you want a girl to like you, use cheesy pickup lines." That didn't really work for me.

Apparently all the girls I talk to are lactose intolerant.

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Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach.

So, the next day at the beach, I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me!

The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:

“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

I told my girl I love you.

She said I love U2. That was kind of depressing. She's talking about music at this vulnerable moment. So I broke up with her.

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My doctor told me my heart may not be healthy enough for sex.

But that didn't make him stop.

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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them

I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?

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For my cake day, I want to share a joke my friend told me

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories, or having a big dick.

Obviously, I chose

One of my favorite jokes that my dad told me.

A man is sitting in his house watching TV when there is a flood warning. A few minutes later his house is flooding so he goes up to the 2nd floor.

He is hanging out his window when a boat with first responders show up and they yell “Sir, we need to get you out of here! Get on the boat!”
...

My mom told me she hated me today

She forgot to say April Fools

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Angry I paid top dollar for a session with a sex therapist - only to be told I need to masturbate more.

I should have just taken matters into my own hands instead.

My friend told me that I don't understand irony

Which itself was ironic because it was a Wednesday

Soviet joke my grandpa told me

Brezhnev is showing his mother how well he has done. He shows her his suite in the Kremlin, his country house with a fully stocked kitchen, his Black Sea villa, his limousine. She says: ‘This is all really nice...but what will you do if the Bolsheviks come back?’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my crush how big my dick is

She said I find that hard to swallow

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

My friend told me she's majoring in being disappointed and almost getting what she wants

She's the only poly-sigh major I've met so far

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I told my son to have sweat dreams, but he started crying

He has diabetes

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

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My mom told me that I was conceived in a car

She said it was an internal cum bust, son.

When I was young, one Halloween I told my parents, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy."

Exasperated, my mother said, "Don't be Sicily".

My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it's very healthy.

I said no, it WAS healthy but you ate it.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

My friend told me to get in shape

I mean isn’t round a shape ?

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

Today my fiance screamed at me and told me she hates at the alter

Ruined a perfectly good sacrifice.

I told my brother, "My wife ran of with my best friend Joe yesterday."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

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My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic,

Well I just made 2 vases and a jug, so fuck you Mr McDonald.

I told my friend to buy a new pillow

He said he'd sleep on it

Doctor: I was told you have some kind of speech disorder. How bad is it?

Me: I can't complain.

I told my wife I was feeling down.

I said "Honey, when I look in the mirror, all I see is a fat, ugly pig. I really you to say something nice about me."

She said, "Well, your eyesight is perfect."

A wise man once told his wife...

..nothing.


I told you he was a wise man.

My wife told me I was immature...

So I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I’ve been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven’t noticed any improvement.

No one told me happy cake day...

I feel desserted.

At school one day, a bully told me I had a face only a mother could love.

I went home and found out I was adopted.

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad

During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

I told my dog a joke about fetching a stick

And he didn’t get it…

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This girl told me my shoes were "fucking ugly"

So me being who I am, I took a trip to Foot Locker. I came back about 2 hours later.

"Hey so I went to the shoe store..."

The girl looked at my shoes, disguised.

"You didn't get any new shoes..."

I looked at her very confused

"OH no I wasn't going to buy shoes, I ...

My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

I told her that she touched me deeper than anyone has ever touched me before.

And she said yes, the colonoscopy went well.

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My sexy neighbor told me her underwear keeps going missing from her clothes line and that shes going to report it to the police.

I almost shit her pants

I haven't told my parents about my girlfriend yet...

She's getting married and I was invited to the wedding

I was told to get out of my comfort zone

So I started driving on the other side of the road

Not only I’m I uncomfortable, but so is everybody else

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

I was going fishing, and caught a fish that told me I got three wishes

Then he said "wish wish wish"

I told my wife: it's either me or the dog

Where should I move?

Memories - Robin Williams Told this Originally

I was moving to California when I stopped at one of those old Indian trading posts somewhere in the desert.

One of the attractions there was an Native American with a sign beside him that read "this man has greatest memory in the world $5 per question" So I paid my $5 and asked him a questio...

I demanded that my German friend told me what "nein" meant.

He kept on telling me no.

Growing up my Mom told me to never go to the strip club on the edge of town because I would see things I really shouldn’t see.

As soon as I got a fake ID my friends and I went.

I saw my Mom there.

I told my doctors I have a phobia of calendars

He asked me why

I replied, "Because its days are numbered."

A joke told by President Putin

A soviet era joke....

An American spy goes to Lubyanka and says:

" I’m a spy and I want to turn myself in."

" Who do you work for?", asks the receptionist.

"America."

"OK, go to room 5."

He goes to room 5 and says:

" I’m an American spy. I want to tu...

My friend told me that I am behind times on technology

I was so shocked I almost dropped my nokia 3310

A guy walked into a bar and told the bartender, "Man I need to get laid in the worst way!"

The bartender replied, "Well the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

Years ago I told my family and friends that I was going to become a successful comedian and they just laughed.

They're not laughing now!!

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My grandma told me this joke.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have o...

i told my family i was going vegan

im quitting cold turkey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

My wife told me that she wants a cracker.

Of course, I'm just parrot phrasing her.

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My brother-in-law is a cop. Yesterday he told me that the only way he'd let someone out of a DUI is if they'd give him a blowjob.

I said, "Hey asshole! You're *married* to my *sister!*


"Just give me the DUI..."


-Anthony Jeselnik

The doctor told me my DNA was reversed.

I said "And?"

My mom who’s a postal worker told me this joke.

A couple arrived at the hospital in labor. The doctors the tell wife and husband about a revolutionary new device. It can give some of the labor pain to the biological father. The couple agreed and as the doctors are turning on the machine. They tell the husband, look this is the worst pain you will...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me, “Sex is much better on holiday.”

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

Somebody once told me that I was very mean

I said that's not true, sometimes I'm very median

Sorry, that was an average joke

I told my friends I didn't want to try group bondage...

...but somehow they roped me into it.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

I told my son it's ok to swear at the gun range

Because yelling "SHOOT" is just to dangerous

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

(My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine?

His Gil-Friend!

Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

After a long time, I told my neighbor how I felt...

Now we’re teaching a hatmaking class together.

I wasn’t surprised when they told me my electro therapy was free

I was shocked

My coworker caught his girlfriend having an affair with his best friend. He told her the relationship was over and to leave immediately. I asked him what he said to his best friend.

Bad dog! Very bad dog!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

My friend told me I listen too much of The Chainsmokers.

He's a Sick Boy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All my life, my parents have told me not to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.

What is that glowing ball in the sky and why does it hurt my eyes?

My dad just told me that slumber prices are at an all-time-high!

Seems his dream house is gonna to have to wait.

I once told a joke about Orpheus and Eurydice.

Looking back...

It was a bad idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some of my friends told me, I have an alcohol issue, but that's bullshit.

The problem doesn't come until there is no alcohol.

My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water".

I know he means well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor told me he’s close to figuring out who’s been stealing his clothes

I almost crapped his pants when he said that

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