UPJOKE
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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

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The doctor told me the only chance my wife in a coma had of coming to was by performing oral sex. I tried for 15 minutes…

But she just choked the whole time.

My wife told me she wanted to have a threesome with me and one of her female friends.

I told her that if I really wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd call my parents.

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I told my wife that the mailman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one

She replied "I bet it’s the snooty bitch in number twenty three”

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

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A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.

I told them, "just you wait!"

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

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Someone told me that wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. Is that true?

Apparently, they feel great until you look down and realize you're gay

So she told me that I was the worst she has ever had on bed.

How could she make that judgement on 30 seconds ?

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

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I told this girl I have a huge dick and she said I don’t like big dick.

So I said, Do you like liars?

BR EAK ING NE WS...Just been arguing with my wife and she just told me, "I was right."

Please HELP me....What do I do next?

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologized. The guy got up to get off, and said, "he ch...

I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her…

Dishes not the time to panic.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

The cops just called and told me they found my husbands body in the water

I was very concerned as that was not where I’d put it

My sister told me women are better at multitasking than men. I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what, she couldn't do either

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My 2 year old told his first joke.

We were walking down to the car and he put his hands in his pockets. He says oh mummy what's that in my pocket.

I dont know sweetheart let's see what it is

Pulls out his hands and shouts 'my hands' and does jazz hands and kills himself laughing.

He takes after his dad. His smile...

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

My dad doesn't really like puns, so we told him our top 10 to see if any could make him laugh...

No pun in 10 did.

I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

some guy told me I was a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

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I told my wife if we didn't have sex soon...

I'd take matters into my own hand.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

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A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out that she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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I once dated twins. People often asked how I told them apart.

Lisa painted her fingernails purple and Bob had a cock.

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Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea, a patient told his urologist on the phone.

“The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”



“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptom she has.”

“Then you come in with him ...

I went to my boss to ask for a raise. I told him 3 companies were after me.

Asked my boss, “Which 3 companies?”

“Gas, electricity and water”

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A guy went into a bank to ask for a loan. ‘I have some black powder,’ he told the manager. ‘You sprinkle it on a woman’s vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ said the manager. ‘I don’t think we can give you a loan for that.’

A few months later the same guy entered the same bank pushing a wheelbarrow full of money.
The manager said: ‘Congratulations. I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.’
‘No, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.’
‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘What doe...

At first I was confused when my boss told me to go get the Geiger counter…

…but then it clicked.

The Queen and her protection officer were walking through the park in Balmoral (TRUE STORY as told to me by a close source)

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”

“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
<...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found ...

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

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Older joke told by my father in-law

One day Cinderella is down and her fairy godmother appears. Noticing she is not happy, she turns to her and says she would cast a spell so she could have a night out on the town, but she must be back by midnight or her pussy would turn into a pumpkin. So time goes by and midnight comes and goes and ...

My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”

Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as spiderman.

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”






The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...

My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.

So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.

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My wife told me "sex is better on a vacation."

Not the best postcard I've ever received.

A hacker once told me my full name and IP address

Jokes on him, I already knew both of those things

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

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my girlfriend just told me that she was fingered both anally and vaginally by the gynaecologist

saying "awesome" was not the right reaction

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

My wife told me she wanted a divorce because I'm a fan of The Monkees.

At first I thought she was joking but then I saw her face. Now I believe her.

When my wife told me she'd leave me if I didn't stop acting like a flamingo,

I had to put my foot down.

They told me I wouldn’t be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase

I told my wife I’m going to start calling her Peter the Apostle.

After she denied me three times.

The doctor told me I had only six months to live, so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.

Problem solved.

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

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My General Manager at work, told me I need to quit masturbating...

When I asked why, he told me because you're still on the clock... And to go home...

Someone told me there was caffeine in chocolate

If that’s true, then why has my dog been asleep for so long, huh?

My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.

I know she means well.

My roommate is a yoga teacher and she’s stopped paying me rent. I told her that in that case she needs to leave and she just said:

“Nah I’mma stay”

I told a woman that she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high.

She looked surprised.

A recruiter told me, “In this job, we need someone who is responsible.”

I replied, “I’m the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....

What do I do next?

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

My doctor told me I have peek-a-boo syndrome.

They sent me to the I see you.

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My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

my friend told me I always focus on the least exciting parts while telling a story

I was so surprised by his words I almost took a wrong turn and screwed up our escape from the police

My girlfriend told me i'm the cheapest person she met.

I don't buy that

I told my mate I'd built a model of the Himalayas.

He said "To scale?"

I said "No, just to look at"

I told my wife I was really sorry for what I said earlier...

"I do"

My wife told me I have a bad temper, so I flushed a GPS tracker down the toilet.

That way I'd never lose my sh*t again.

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My doctor told me "You need to stop masturbating"

I said "Why"

She said "Well, to be honest, you're not supposed to enjoy a rectal exam this much"

The other day I told my boss…

That I needed a raise if he wanted me to stay in my current job, I told him that 3 companies were after me. Shocked he asked me which ones?

I then replied gas, electric, and cable.

my wife told me to stop making animal metaphors because it makes me a bad person

she should get off her high horse!

My wife told me...

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

my friend fed me rabbit for the first time and I told him it tasted like beer.

Must've been from all the hops.

My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. "What's it called," I asked?

He replied, "What do you want it to be called?"

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s

I said to him “I don’t remember asking”

I was told not to make fun of my girlfriend for waving smoke around the house for good luck.

It was some sage advice.

My friend told me that on average, it is very easy to find a friend like me.

I told him he's being mean.

I was drinking with my buddy and told him “My wife and I had a fight last night. She went historical on me.”

Buddy: Did you mean ‘hysterical’?

Me: No. She went historical. She brought up all my past mistakes.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get ou

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

A guy I met told me he identifies as the brightest star in the night sky…

I said- “Are you Sirius?”

My doctor told me some troubling news today.

He said: “Your body has zero magnesium.”

So I replied: “0mg”

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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The Sexual Mosquito

A nymphomaniac woman was a regular at a sex shop, but after using their products for years she ended getting bored of the usual stuff. She asked the male cashier if there was something else out of the ordinary to try.
He suggest the Sexual Mosquito. That got her attention, so she asked on how t...

My 89yr old grandma told me an old cold war joke

A Muscovite goes to a newsstand every day and buys a paper. He reads the front page, and then throws it away in the nearest bin, day after day.

The guy running the newsstand notices this, and curiosity finally compels him to ask, "Why do you buy a paper each day when you never even open it a...

I broke up with my ex because she told me she caught crabs

And I get seasick on boats.

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This is the first dirty joke my dad ever told me

So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can yo...

My Dad told me this one so I apologize in advance

A doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife

God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master,” God says,”That’s wonderful why don’t you take the seat on my right,”

God asks the Doberman to tell him about himself, ...

For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked, because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

Best joke my dad ever told me (he wasn't good at telling jokes)

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To put out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks.

My kids told me they want a cat for Christmas

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

My brother told me he only buys shoes which are completely white

I can't believe I'm related to a white shoepremacist

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Bono started clapping slowly between songs during a U2 concert. "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies from starvation", he told the audience

Some guy at the front shouted, "Well stop fucking doing it then!"




^actually ^a ^true ^story

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because…

… she doesn’t believe in love at first site

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

If I had a Dollar for every time a woman told me I was unattractive

they’d eventually find me attractive.

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I told my girlfriend that I wanted to eat ass tonight

She can make a mean rump roast.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side

So I crashed the car

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An attractive woman once asked if I was interested in breasts or thighs. I told her I'm mostly into feet and anal.

I am no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

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a big buff bearded man once told me when I was 13 that masturbation caused hair to grow on my hand

I asked him how did you get your beard then

Once upon a time my dad gave me some money and told me to pay our power bill. However, I didn't pay it and instead spent all the money on a raffle where a new car was the prize. The very next day there was a brand new car in front of our house.

The car belonged to the electricians who came to cut our power off.

Someone told me they could tell better cheese puns than me.

I told him to leave the provalone.

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

My dad told me to never go to a cheap, sleezy, raunchy strip club, because you will see something you really shouldn’t

So I went…

I saw my dad

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

My dad told me this one

Did you hear about the mean cactus? He was a real prick

A joke my dog told me this morning

What happens when you stop taking your meds?
Your dog starts talking to you.

I told my dad he didn’t seem to know what it means to be a father…

He said he thought it was apparent

The nanny goat told her mate that she was pregnant.

She was kidding.

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Condom question

A girl is talking to her guy friend: "I found condoms in my boyfriend's jacket. We don't use condoms and when I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that??"

"Sure", her guy friend replies.

"Really?? You masturbate into condoms??!"

"Oh", he respon...

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

I told my wife I'd pick up Burger and Chips on the way home from work last night.

I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

A music critic told me I wouldn’t know music if it hit me in the face.

I knew a friend that had that experience

He’s in the hospital because he was listening to hard rock

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I called my friend and told him "I have a joke for you.”

“Okay shoot"

“What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

“I dunno"

“A bat. Now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

“I dunno"

*CLICK*

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My wife told me that if I didn't go golfing today, she'd do anal.

I had already put on my polo and khakis, butt fuck it.

So this amputee hadn't told about his condition to his fiance yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "T...

I sat my daughter down and told her she was my least favourite child...

...she laughed and said

"Of course I am, but I'm your only child!"

I replied

"No, you don't understand, I mean globally"

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance

Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

A man told his friend "My girl friend said picking my nose is disgusting" "So what, answered his friend"

The man answered "Now I have to do it myself"

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I told my buddy I was getting married.

I told my buddy I was getting married and he said, "Welp, no more blowjobs for you."

And I said, "Really dude?! Wow... Just because I'm getting married you're not gonna suck my dick anymore?!"



Source: Rob Stant

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

I told my girlfriend she was bad at handjobs

I guess that rubbed her the wrong way.

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So my doctor told me

For men, every 10lbs of weight loss his penis grows a quarter of an inch. That's why I lost 400lbs

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My wife of 10 years has just told me she's been faking her orgasms every time we had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once but twice.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a "sexy policewoman" and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Looks like I got off easy this time.

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My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share

What do you call rich peanut butter?

Jif Bezos

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

My niece told me this joke: What's the difference between Chanukah and a dragon?

Chanukah is always eight nights.

A dragon sometimes ate knights.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

A asked the waitress for a pepsi. She told me she had Coke.

I said That's cool, I'll have a gram and a Pepsi.

A lot of people didn't believe it when they were told the pharaoh wasn't a god, just a man like any other.

They were in the Nile.

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

I told my Dad I'd got a new app that would make Amazon Alexa be my girlfriend.

Dad: "You can do much better than that."

Me: "Thanks."

Dad: "I was talking to Alexa."

My girlfriend and I were shopping today. We saw that Trojan had designed Olympic sponsored Condoms? I told here we had to buy some...

What's so special about them?

They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.

And what color are you going to wear tonight?

Gold, obviously!

Why not Silver? It'd be great if you could come second for a change.

I asked my father for advice with my girlfriend. He told me to kiss her where it smells

So I took her to New Jersey

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

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"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied.

"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

At the interview they offered me a salary of $20,000 to work there. I told them to add two 0's at the end and they have a deal.

Now I make $20,000.00

President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.

"What happened to y...

I was told that chameleons blend well...

Then why did this one ruin my smoothie?

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night:

“You are not that great in the bed anymore“

The wife kept mum. Went to the bedroom and came out dressed to go out.

Husband: “Where are you going out at this hour ?“

Wife : “To get a second opinion“

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