I’m freaking out right now! I found a dead body in the trunk of my car!

Where the hell did the other one go?!

If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...

which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?

Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

If you lined up all the elephants in the world along the equator, tail to trunk...

Most of them would die.

A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

What has a trunk and no legs?

An elephant with no legs.

The Thai rescue divers were given tight trunks to wear as they maneuvered through the narrow caves

So they wouldn’t Bangkok.

What do iPhone users and Future Trunks have in common?

They both really hate Androids.

What lives in a jungle and has a trunk?

A elephant.....*screeching tires*
WRONG ANSWER!
A baboon with carry on.

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A man undergoes a new procedure and has penis replaced

With an elephant trunk. He hasn't told his girlfriend because he wants to surprise her on their wedding night. He is having dinner at the future in-laws house and they are having steak and baked potato. They pass the plate of potatoes to him and out of nowhere something darts out from between his ...

Mans wife finds 25,000 dollars and two ears of corn in a secret trunk at their home

Wife - Why are there two ears of corn in this trunk?

Husband - I kept a ear of corn every time I messed around on you.

Wife - Oh that’s not bad, 34 years of marriage and only messed around twice? What about the 25,000 dollars?

Husband - Every-time I collected a bushel I sold i...

Why did Vegeta name his son Trunks?

...find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

A car

A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the c...

A guy at the beach hears from his friends that chicks will show more interest in you if you put a potato in your swim trunks.

He tries this for a while but gets flustered when all the girls keep pointing and laughing at him.
So his friends explain to him that you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT of your bathing suit.

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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Why can't two elephants go swimming?

-They only have one pair of trunks.

Old lady gets pulled over for speeding

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for ...

What's gray, has big ears, and a trunk?

A mouse on vacation.

The worst part about online dating

is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.

Why do elephants have trunks?

We went to the zoo and on the way home my 9 year old baby brother told me this joke.


Him: Why do elephants have trunks?

Me: Dunno..

Him: Because they dont have pockets to put things in..

Me: -___-


Seriously don't know how he thinks about these jokes...

If I carved a sheep from this tree trunk, would you buy it bro?

Wood ewe?!

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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

A police officer was monitoring the highway...

....When he saw a pickup truck going 20 miles below the speed limit.

 


The officer pulls behind the truck and pulls the truck over.

 

As he walked up to the driver, he noticed that the trunk bed was filled with penguins! Doing as penguins would wad...

Thankfully no one was hurt

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone,

"We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of...

Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?

Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy

Cop: there's a man in your trunk

Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man

Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Your dog. Don't believe it? Put them both in the trunk for an hour and see which one's glad to see you when you open it

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

I’ve decided to become an organ donor...

That way when I die an elephant gets a new trunk.

Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk?

Because they don't want the siren to die.

James Bond and Money Penny are locked in a trunk...

Money Penny: What's that jabbing me in the gluteus maximus?

Bond: my PPK?

Money Penny: 'K

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident.

He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.

"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"

The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The ...

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So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..

tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend t...

The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.

Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar."

The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?"

The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license...

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Pulled over by the cops.

I was driving down the i5 late one evening when a cop pulled me over.

Officer: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Me: "Nope."

Officer: "Well, it was pretty fast. License and registration please?"

Me: "I don't have insurance or registration. Plus I stole the c...

How are Jeffrey dahmer and mr potato head similar

They keep body parts in there trunk

Late one night...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop give...

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thin...

There is a line at the pearly gates and St. Peter says,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, heaven has reached its capacity. We can only take in ten more souls, so we have decided to take the ten that have the most interesting story of their death."

Many souls tell their tales and St. Peter grants nine souls their entry. The very next soul that comes up has on...

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

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A dad and his young son are at the zoo.

They’re at the elephant enclosure and the little boy points to the elephants trunk and says, “Daddy, what is that?”
“That’s the elephants nose son.”
The elephant turns to the side and without warning, it’s massive penis is in full view.
“What’s that daddy?”
The dad, not wanting to deal ...

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.

He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.

When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stop...

What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant

Swimming trunks

Why didn't the elephant buy the car?

It didn't have enough trunk space.

Mbeki and his elephant

Mbeki was a boy who live in a small village on the edge of the great Serengeti plain of Africa. Mbeki would spend days watching the animals on the plain, learning and studying their behaviors.

Twice a year during the great animal migration from their summer to their winter feeding grounds and...

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My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

I was out for a drive when the car suddenly started shuddering and the front wheel fell off.

I stopped and got out trying to figure out what the heck happened.
As I cross the front of the car I can see the tire is in the ditch by a fence that says, St Clements institute for the insane. I can plainly see that the lug nuts have all come off allowing the tire to falloff the car.
I quickl...

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A farmer's only donkey ran away in the forest.

He packed up a few days ration and ventured into the jungle to find his animal. He searched and he searched but he couldn't find it, so he decided to retire for the night. He climbed up a tree, tied himself to the trunk so he doesn't fall down.

Just as he was about to sleep, he heard some rus...

My uncle tells this one all the time.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
Person most likely answers: with a pink elephant gun.?
A: No! Hold it’s trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

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What do elephants do before they have sex?

Pull down their trunks.

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A mouse walks up to the watering hole in the jungle,

He shouts at the "hippo you get the fuck out of the water"

the hippo gets out and the mouse says "fine you can get back in"

He shouts at the elephant "you fatso get out the water"

the elephant gets out, the mouse says "ok you can get back in"

he then does this to the...

A truck driver sees a naked man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and dro...

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

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A man and his young son were at a zoo.

They stopped at the elephant exhibit, and the boy asked his father, "Dad, what's that?"

The man responded, "That's an elephant, son."

"No, the thing hanging down from the elephant."

"Oh. That's the elephant's trunk."

"No, not the trunk. On the other side."

"Do yo...

So I live in a national forest, and I frequently explore the area...

One day, a park ranger stopped by my house and knocked on the door. I opened it, and he came inside. He asked me if I had heard of the recent shortage of bears in the park, to which I denied. He asked me a few more questions and then went on his way. A few hours later he came back with a warrant to ...

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(NFSW) A man goes for

For a cheap penis extension.

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for $2000.

The man agrees.

6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night.

While chatting over dinner hi...

A guy is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop approaches the car and the driver rolls down the window.

"Driver's licence and insurance?"

"I don't have a driver's licence and the car was stolen."

Cop slowly backs up a bit and puts his hand on a gun.

"Is there anything else I should know? Any weapons in the ca...

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Today my jerk colleague from work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger and told him to use swimming trunks like everyone else does.

A man was driving along the highway......

.........and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become o...

Two guys were at the beach talking.....

The first guy says "you seem popular with the ladies, can you give me any advice?"

The second guy tells him "it's simple, just put a potato down your swim trunks and walk around talking to every girl you see. In no time you will have girls falling all over you"

The next day they meet u...

The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.

A Georgia State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 2 miles north of Macon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Atlanta to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late. The trooper t...

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.



One week later, Jim stops the same driver. O...

I have the mind of a German Shepherd and the body of and old man...

...and they are both in the trunk of my car.

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Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

Two pregnant women on a bench were talking to each other.

They saw a fat guy with a big belly. On seeing the fat guy, one said, " I will give birth to a handsome boy." On this the other said, " I will give birth to you a beautiful girl."

With intention to make fun of the guy , they asked the fat guy, "What are you gonna give birth to?"

He sa...

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

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New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

Open and shut case

A cop stopped a speeding car, approached the driver's window and said, "Can I have your license and registration, please?"
The driver said, " I don't have a license. I've never even took driving theory."
The officer asked: " Can I have the car registration?"
"it's not my car, I stole it" an...

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Once there was a loud mouthed hyena...

He would walk around the savanna mocking all the other animals, even the King himself, the Lion. One day his wife, the Lioness asked him:
"Why do you let that stupid hyena taunt you like that? You are the king. Do something about him."
But he simply responded:
"Let him be. He isn't hurting ...

What did one tree say to the other?

Nice trunks.

How do you know a palm tree is getting old?

It’s coconuts hang lower than its trunk.

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A man was pulled over for speeding.

A man was late for an important function and was speeding a good 25 mph over the speed limit when a state trooper pulled him over.

Officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Man: I guess so officer, I knew I couldn’t outrun the law forever. The gun is in my glove compartment, a k...

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Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."

The son replies, "No, mom. I know ...

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Billy the tree.

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.

He arrives at his college...

One dark night on a country road, two men are driving.

One dark night on a country road two men are driving. A blue car and a black car.

Suddenly a deer jumps out in front of the blue car and the drivers swerves to avoid it, hitting the black car head on.

The two drivers get out of their respective cars, shaken but otherwise unscathed. <...

Tree joke (long)

This was told to me by an older Iroqouis man when I was in college: Woodpecker was out foraging for food in the forest when he overheard two trees arguing. It was hard to make out what the trees were saying, so woodpecker flew in closer to listen. He came upon a large beech and a large birch, argu...

Elephants never forget

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on ...

Wife or dog

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk, go back an hour later and see who's happy to see you. That's how you find out who your real friend is.

Why did the elephant go to jail?

He had a dead guy in his trunk.
*My daughter asked me to make up a joke.

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert.

Their car broke down so they all agree to grab something from the car to help them survive. The Brunette shuffles around and grabs food. The Redhead rummages through the trunk and pulls out water. They are talking saying that it’s to prevent them from starving or becoming dehydrated while they wait ...

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A guy with really bad E.D. goes to the doctor for some help

He says, "Listen Doc, I've tried Viagra, acupuncture, you name it. Nothing will get me hard. And to make matters worse, I got a date with this total smokeshow next week and I wanna be on my game. Is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor gets a really stern and pensive look on his face...

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