There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

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A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This...

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Nympho on a plane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible fo...

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An airplane is about to crash!

With only 5 parachutes on board.

A Doctor says, “save the women”.

A young mother says, “no save the children”.

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”.

A priest asks, “do we have time”?

The Pope In The Airplane

The pope is in an airplane doing a crossword puzzle and this guy sitting next to him is totally taken aback with excitement. He thinks to himself "I'm pretty good at crosswords maybe he'll ask me to help him with one of the words."

Sure enough the pope turns to him and says "What is a four...

Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

I just can't see them taking off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Newfie was going to Toronto on the Airplane and started talking to an Ontarian.

Newfie: Lord Tundrin' Geeses Bye, What do you do for a livin'?

Ontarian: Well, I'm a Psychoanalyst.

Newfie: Psychoanalyst, What the Heck is that?

Ontarian: It's hard to explain so I'll give you an example.

Ontarian: Do you own a Fishtank?

Newfie: Yes, I got a tank....

An airplane carrying politicians crashed in a farmers field...

When the police showed up they asked the farmer of there were any survivors

He said " I buried all of them, a cpuple said we're still alive, but them politicians like to lie."

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Man is on an Airplane...

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

I only fly on married airplanes

They never go down on you.

While I was talking with Siri I said “Surely you can look this up”

Siri replied “Don’t call me Shirley”

Then I realized I had airplane mode on

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A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

What's the difference between an airplane and a woman?

I've been inside an airplane.

Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

A vulture walks into an airplane with a rotting corpse.

The flight attendant screams, “You cannot bring that on this plane.” The vulture says, “It’s just my carrion.”

There were four people on an airplane. The pilot, a pastor, 'The Smartest Teenager in the World' and a teenager with a backpack.

A few hours into the flight, the pilot comes out and says, "Our engine is on fire and we're going to crash! We only have three parachutes, and I'm taking the first because I have a wife and three growing kids."

The pilot took the first parachute and left.

'The Smartest Teenager in th...

A woman wearing a necklace with an airplane charm notices a guy starting at her chest

She asks him "Do you like the airplane?"

He says "No, I like the airport!"

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A man and a woman are sitting together on an airplane.

The man sneezes, pulls out his dick, and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his dick and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude p...

Where does John fogerty like to sit when he flies in an airplane?

Coach

Why is development in airplane engineering so slow?

Everyone is afraid to make a ground breaking design.

A beautiful lady came and sat next to me on the airplane.

I said, "I'm sorry, but this is not your seat."


"How do you know that? It's the same seat number as on my ticket"


"I don't know about that, but I do know my fate pretty well."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

Why can’t Ben Shapiro fly an airplane?

He always destroys the left wing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US president and I am ...

"this joke about airplanes will never take off"

"well not with that altitude!"

What if a dog flew the first airplane?

Well it just wouldn't be Wright.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a huge black-eye boards an airplane...

The flight attendant guides him towards his assigned seat, right beside another already seated passenger who also has a huge black-eye (same one). The first man says: "What are the odds? We share a flight to the same destination, we both have the same big ugly shiner on the same eye, and we are seat...

An airplane from the foreign legion is on its way to Afghanistan.

On board the sergeant tells his men, I will pay $200 for a pair of ears and even $500 for a head with beard... the men cheer and applaud him.. a little bit later the plane lands and the soldiers walk off one after the other..A few hours later the men come back with bags filled with ears and chopped...

A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."

The woman ignores him and tries to...

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What do you call eating a girl's ass out on an airplane?

Skyrim

My son saw an airplane in the sky and he asked me what it was doing?

I said it was running AIRands

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What do an airplane and a girl have in common?

A cockpit

What size of airplane would little people ride?

Mid-Jet!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might ...

Even when I put my phone in airplane mode, it only flies as far as I throw it.

(Original Content)

I just put my phone on airplane mode and threw it across the office

Worst transformer ever.

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to sell pizza on airplanes?

It was a pie in the sky idea

I was on an airplane yesterday when the gorgeous flight attendant asked me, "Would you like some headphones?"

I replied, "Yes please and how did you know my name is phones!?"

A friend of mine was caught in an airplane turbine

In many ways, he *will* be mist

What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

Have you heard of the TV show about the airplane?

It sorta crashed and burned, but I think its because the pilot wasn't very good.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 women on an airplane

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.


"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman.

The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?"


The southern w...

I never tell jokes when I'm on an airplane.

They fly over people's heads.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm horny as hell right now but my girlfriend won't have sex with me in the airplane's lavatory.

She doesn't give a flying fuck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man flying an airplane?

Pilot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A business man gets on an airplane...

As luck would have it, he sits down next to this gorgeous blonde bombshell. As the plane is taxiing, he looks over and notices her reading a book.

The plane takes off and gets to cruising altitude, and the business man looks over and says, “My! That must be an interesting book. You haven’t t...

Airplane food is bad.

In my experience, you need to be high to enjoy it.

Do you drink beer?

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: ...

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane.

The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.

Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one ofhis questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.

The lawye...

An overweight woman remains stuck on the toilet of the airplane while coming back from holidays in Mexico

The flight assistant hands the woman a sombrero to cover herself while another passenger, who is a plumber, takes a look at the situation.

After a couple of minutes the flight assistant asks the man how are things.

"I think we can easily free the woman but I'm afraid there's no hope fo...

If 2 wrongs DID make a right...

You'd need 4 wrongs to invent an airplane.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black child and his father are on an airplane

The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.


"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passenger...

What’s the difference between my sense of humor and airplanes

My jokes never land

My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

What do you call prostitution in an airplane?

Hoeing in a Boeing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane...

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would yo...

If you beat your meat on an airplane...

Is that considered hi-jacking?

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises.

When do we want them?

#NNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWW^WWwww

An airplane yells at his rebellious son...

.. "Watch that altitude, young man"

What do you call a black person who flies an airplane?

A pilot; you f*cking racist.

Why don't airplanes have a 'reverse' drive?

No one wants a receding airline...

I have no idea if airplanes can actually travel in reverse, just go with me folks ;)

There are more airplanes in the ocean

than submarines in the sky

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do airplanes and women have in common?

They both have cockpits

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can an...

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A man and a woman are sitting together on an airplane

The woman appears to have allergies. She sneezes, and then takes out a tissue. But instead of wiping her nose, she sticks it under her skirt and wipes between her legs.


He is in shock, and can't believe what he just saw. He waits for her to sneeze again, and when she does, same thing. She...

An airplane captain was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

An airplane captain Zouma was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, Zouma showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shopping, and stay overnight.

The next morning as Zouma was preparing the crew for the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane

She sneezes, and kind of tenses up. The man looks over, then looks away. The woman sneezes again, and tenses up kinda shaking. He looks over, watches her. She sneezes about 4 more times. Now she is violently shaking he asks, “are you okay?” A bit worried, she reply’s, “yes! I have this disease where...

Donald Trump, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a kid on an airplane...

Donald Trump, Bill Gates, the Pope and a schoolboy are on a crashing airplane. There are only 3 parachutes.
"Well," says Bill Gates, "I am the most important businessman in the world and I need to continue running my company." He takes the first parachute and jumps out.
"Well," says Trump, "I...

3 men decide to throw some things out of an airplane. (My favorite joke as a kid)

There are 3 men in an airplane and they thought it would be funny to drop some things out of the plane. So the first guy thinks it’s funny to drop a brick out of the plane. The second guy tried to one up him and he decided to drop a bowling ball out of the plane. The last guy thought they weren’t go...

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is a true story of a poor ditzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Pl...

How is a flock of geese like an airplane full of encyclopedias?

They're flying in-formation.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there were 3 people in an airplane.

One took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane.

The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane.

Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too ...

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

Three men were passengers on an airplane

The first one opens the door as the plane is flying high over the ground and jumps out with his parachute, but not before throwing a knife out the door first. He screams on his way down “I’m doing this for my country!”

The second man, not to be outdone by the first, throws a loaded pistol out...

An airplane yells at his son

"If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pope is on an airplane

So this guy boards an airplane and finds himself sitting next too the Pope. Trying to not make a big deal out of it the guy takes his seat and minds his own business.

About 20 minutes into the flight the Pope takes out a crossword puzzle and begins working on it. As the flight progressed the...

Yall know the one with the airplane safety instruction ?

A business man has to go over sees on a business related trip so he has to take a plane for the firs time in his life . He goes through the whole process and boards the plane sitting down . The safety instruction begins and the flight attendant begin to explain " If any of the engines fail , do not...

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

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The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,



“Why did you become a pilot?”



To which the co-pilot replies, “To overcome my greatest fear.”



“Flying?” the pilot asks




“No.” says the co-pilot, “Dying alone.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest, rabbi, lawyer, and boy scouts were on an airplane.

The airplane is going down. There are only enough parachutes for a few of them.

The rabbi says, 'I'm an old man. We should give the parachutes to the boy scouts. Save them."

The lawyer responds, "What?! FUCK THE BOY SCOUTS!"

The priest quickly checks his watch, "DO WE HAVE TIME!...

what do you call an occupied restroom in an airplane?

a hypotenuse

A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour.

The tour guide announces: "On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls."

The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. ...

How do you call a bouncy airplane?

A Boing.

P.S. I came up with this on my own, yet have a feeling it mist've been here already, so please tell me if it's a repost. Thanks!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Airplane passengers watch nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

 

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams,...

I'm not allows on airplanes anymore

I'm always photobombing

Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane?

The steaks couldn't have been higher.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was getting off an airplane, when I passed a little boy who was waving and saying "Bye, plane!"...

"No, this isn't a biplane." I said, as the kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look.

I went on, "You can't tell its sexual preference based just on how it looks."

*Tips fedora at airplane*

M'laysian

Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.

Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.

One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."

The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim...

While airplanes may not be my favorite thing,

They're up there.

Repost, haven't seen it in a while.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you drive a truck once does that make you a truck driver? If you fly a airplane once does that make you a pilot?

But you suck one cock......

Two Polish airplane pilots are landing a plane.

Two Polish airplane pilots are landing a plane. They can't slow down the plane fast enough and they smash through the airport, through the windows and into the waiting area.

The pilot says, "Man that was a short runway."

The co-pilot says, "But sure was wide though, wasn't it?"

What did they say the first time a Chinese airplane flew?

Did you hear about the Han Solo?

I thought of this great airplane joke

But it's gone over everybody's head so far.

A soldier, a pacifist and a band are on an airplane

Suddenly the plane starts falling from the sky.

The pilot shouts: "There's too much weight! Somebody has to jump!"

The soldier stands up and walks to the door: "It would be an honour to protect all of you."

He jumps.

The airplane keeps falling. Soon the pilot shouts again...