An Arabic, an American, an Australian and an Israeli flew on an airplane

The pilot says in the mic: "Gentlemen, we are sorry but the left engine stopped working. We only have 3 parachutes left. decide between yourselfes who is going to jump."

The American takes a parachute and say: "We are the strongest nation." And jumps.

The Arabic takes a parachute and s...

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane

and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the ...

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

What do we want? Low flying airplanes! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeooooowwwww!

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

What sound was made when the airplane hit the trampoline?

Boeing

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?

A receding airline

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

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Blonde on an airplane

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class....

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A man board an airplane and took his seat next to a very beautiful woman.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was...

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

A felt seasick on the airplane today

And it sure didnt help that there are tons of people screaming for lifejackets and rafts.

I have this new idea for an airplane...

...but I don't think it's gonna fly.

Airplane joke from r/woooosh

I got an airplane joke but it might go over your head

How often to airplanes crash?

Usually just once.

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What do you call a black man flying an airplane

A pilot you racist fuck

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A man with a black eye sits down in his seat on an airplane.

He notices the man sitting next to him also has a black eye.

"Hey," he asks, "Howd you get your shiner?"

"Well, it was the result of a tongue twister. There was this hot looking girl at the ticket desk and what I meant to say was 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', but what I actually s...

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After landing at his airplane

the captain forgets to turn off the intercom!

The co-pilot asks "What are you doing after this?"

The pilot replies, "first thing I need to do is go for a shit! then I am gonna fuck the arse off that new blond stewardess.

The Stewardess hears this & runs to the cockpit to con...

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

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An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

Why didn't your mom want to get on the airplane.

She once heard pigs can't fly and an elephant never forgets

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What is it called when an airplane crashes in a Nazi concentration camp?

Nein Eleven

An airplane was about to crash

There were 4 passengers on board but only three parachutes. The first passenger said “I am Steph Curry , the best NBA player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Donald trump, said, “I am the newly...

Me: "Here comes the airplane!"

Baby: *Opens mouth*

Me: "OH NO!!! It's the Taliban!"

*Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon.*

Do you drink beer?

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: ...

My priest performed a baptism on an airplane

It was a blessing in da skies

Y'know I have been trying to make this complicated airplane joke

But I think it'll just go over your head.

I've always wondered about the inspiration for the band name Jefferson Airplane

but I think we all know it's a historical reference by now.

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

What do you call the Swiss president's airplane?

Tobler One

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A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This...

What is the purpose of the propeller on an airplane?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

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A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane...

The stewardess stops him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Have you heard the joke about the airplane

Never mind it would probably go over everyone's heads.

What do politics and airplanes have in common ?

You need both right and left wings, or you crash.

An airplane crashes on an uncharted island.

Out of everyone on board only 3 people survive, Bob, Jerry, and Rick. When they awake they have been captured by an indigenous tribe. As they beg for their survival the tribe leader speaks up.

Tribe leader: “you three have survived a big crash and are very lucky. As an act of mercy we will l...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

If you are in an airplane, how will you know if you are already in Barcelona?

Stick your hand out of the airplane's window. if it's hot, you might be in africa, if it's cold, you might be in russia. If you lose your watch, you are already in barcelona.

The Pope In The Airplane

The pope is in an airplane doing a crossword puzzle and this guy sitting next to him is totally taken aback with excitement. He thinks to himself "I'm pretty good at crosswords maybe he'll ask me to help him with one of the words."

Sure enough the pope turns to him and says "What is a four...

Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly?

The Wrong Brothers

Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

I just can't see them taking off.

Wanna hear a bad airplane joke?

It never lands

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible fo...

What's the difference between an airplane and a woman?

I've been inside an airplane.

I asked Siri a question and she said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”

I must have left the phone in Airplane mode.

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What do an airplane and a girl have in common?

A cockpit

A captain is flying an airplane over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he starts laughing maniacally.

"What's so funny?" the co-pilot asks.

"Oh, I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

Never greet a person named Jack on the airplane.

Hi Jack!

After the recent incidents regarding 737 MAX airplanes Boeing should definitely rebrand.

Boink is much more fitting.

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An engineering professor and his students are offered a free airplane ticket for an educational trip

Once they get on the plane the captain announces that the plane has in fact been built by the engineering students and that this is the first test ride.

Everyone rushes off the plane while the professor remains calm in his seat.

A flight attendant then approaches the professor and asks...

So I tried airplane mode for the first time.

But when I threw my phone, it didn't fly.

Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

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A man and a woman are sitting together on an airplane.

The man sneezes, pulls out his dick, and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his dick and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude p...

A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."

The woman ignores him and tries to...

It was mealtime on an airplane...

...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

I yelled “Hi Jack!” To my friend across the airplane

Security must not like shouting because they wouldn’t let me fly after that

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Man is on an Airplane...

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might ...

I am the Smartest President Ever

So an airplane is going to crash. There were 4 passengers on board - but only 3 parachutes!

The 1st passenger said, 'I’m Jeff Bezos! Amazon needs me to deliver useless stuff to the world! I can’t die! .' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said,...

A blonde gets on an airplane to fly back home

As she enters the plane, she begins jumping up and down, all the way to her seat.

The flight attendant notices this, concerned for the blondes mental state, notifies the captain of her actions.

The captain walks down to the blonde, who’s now bouncing in her seat. He asks the blonde “w...

Why is development in airplane engineering so slow?

Everyone is afraid to make a ground breaking design.

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What do you call eating a girl's ass out on an airplane?

Skyrim

An airplane from the foreign legion is on its way to Afghanistan.

On board the sergeant tells his men, I will pay $200 for a pair of ears and even $500 for a head with beard... the men cheer and applaud him.. a little bit later the plane lands and the soldiers walk off one after the other..A few hours later the men come back with bags filled with ears and chopped...

As an airplane is about to crash...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shi...

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

There are more airplanes in the ocean

than submarines in the sky

If 2 wrongs DID make a right...

You'd need 4 wrongs to invent an airplane.

Where does John fogerty like to sit when he flies in an airplane?

Coach

An airplane carrying politicians crashed in a farmers field...

When the police showed up they asked the farmer of there were any survivors

He said " I buried all of them, a cpuple said we're still alive, but them politicians like to lie."

I just put my phone on airplane mode and threw it across the office

Worst transformer ever.

I only fly on married airplanes

They never go down on you.

My son saw an airplane in the sky and he asked me what it was doing?

I said it was running AIRands

"this joke about airplanes will never take off"

"well not with that altitude!"

A vulture walks into an airplane with a rotting corpse.

The flight attendant screams, “You cannot bring that on this plane.” The vulture says, “It’s just my carrion.”

What size of airplane would little people ride?

Mid-Jet!

Airplane food is bad.

In my experience, you need to be high to enjoy it.

Why can’t Ben Shapiro fly an airplane?

He always destroys the left wing.

Even when I put my phone in airplane mode, it only flies as far as I throw it.

(Original Content)

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises.

When do we want them?

#NNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWW^WWwww

A beautiful lady came and sat next to me on the airplane.

I said, "I'm sorry, but this is not your seat."


"How do you know that? It's the same seat number as on my ticket"


"I don't know about that, but I do know my fate pretty well."

What if a dog flew the first airplane?

Well it just wouldn't be Wright.

There were four people on an airplane. The pilot, a pastor, 'The Smartest Teenager in the World' and a teenager with a backpack.

A few hours into the flight, the pilot comes out and says, "Our engine is on fire and we're going to crash! We only have three parachutes, and I'm taking the first because I have a wife and three growing kids."

The pilot took the first parachute and left.

'The Smartest Teenager in th...

A man goes into the pool and comes out of the pool. An airplane goes into the sea, what does it come out of?

The news.

I never tell jokes when I'm on an airplane.

They fly over people's heads.

An airplane yells at his rebellious son...

.. "Watch that altitude, young man"

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

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A man with a huge black-eye boards an airplane...

The flight attendant guides him towards his assigned seat, right beside another already seated passenger who also has a huge black-eye (same one). The first man says: "What are the odds? We share a flight to the same destination, we both have the same big ugly shiner on the same eye, and we are seat...

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to sell pizza on airplanes?

It was a pie in the sky idea

Have you heard of the TV show about the airplane?

It sorta crashed and burned, but I think its because the pilot wasn't very good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm horny as hell right now but my girlfriend won't have sex with me in the airplane's lavatory.

She doesn't give a flying fuck.

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is a true story of a poor ditzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Pl...

A friend of mine was caught in an airplane turbine

In many ways, he *will* be mist

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane.

The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.

Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one ofhis questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.

The lawye...

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A business man gets on an airplane...

As luck would have it, he sits down next to this gorgeous blonde bombshell. As the plane is taxiing, he looks over and notices her reading a book.

The plane takes off and gets to cruising altitude, and the business man looks over and says, “My! That must be an interesting book. You haven’t t...

Donald Trump, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a kid on an airplane...

Donald Trump, Bill Gates, the Pope and a schoolboy are on a crashing airplane. There are only 3 parachutes.
"Well," says Bill Gates, "I am the most important businessman in the world and I need to continue running my company." He takes the first parachute and jumps out.
"Well," says Trump, "I...

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