Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

I just cant see them taking off.

(edit) : why doesnt this joke have any upvotes? I guess it kind of flew under the radar.

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Blonde on an airplane

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class....

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks : Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

Here, iron this!!

A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...

The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."

The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.



The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the...

I’d tell you an airplane joke.

But it’d go over your head.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

I don’t find airplane jokes funny.

To me they’re just really boeing.

What do you call an airplane full of Accountants?

A Boring 747!

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What do you call it when someone masturbates on an airplane?

Hijacking

A man sits next to a blonde on an airplane...

He says to the blonde, knowing he could outsmart her, “If I give you a question you cannot answer, you must pay me $10.”

“But if you give me a question I cannot answer, I will pay you $100.”

She agrees, and the man asks his question.

“What is the ninth digit of pi?”

She ...

Airplanes are atheist.

Jets are religious.

Why? Because Jetspray.

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The airplane is already full, passengers seated, but the cockpit is empty

Suddenly the rear door of the plane opens, and the two pilots make their way in - one is using a blind man cane, the other a guide dog. Slowly they make their way forward through the aisle in the general laughter of the passengers.

But the laughter dies down as the pilots enter the cockpit an...

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What's the difference between your mom and an airplane?

An airplane only has one cockpit

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A group of Engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane the Captain
announced that they were on the plane the
students had built. Everyone freaked out and
rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher
who stayed there with calm. When the flight
attendant asked why he hadn't left he
responded "I know the abilities of ...

An american, a german and an albanian were on airplane...

They had to guess their own country by relasing their hand from the airplane.

The american goes first... "we are flying over America!"
-"How did you find out?"
-"I touched the scycarpers!" - says the american.

The second goes the german... "we are flying over Germany!"
-"How ...

I think my knockoff airplane simulator game was made by extremists

It crashed and asked me if I'd like to send a terror report.

What's the difference between an airplane and a baby?

An airplane goes from city to city a baby goes from tiddy to tiddy.

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a t...

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An airplane crashed into a jungle

An airplane crashed into a jungle and only two friends sorvived, as they ware walking in the forest, they find the camp of the jungle tribe, their leader sees them and shouts loudly: "FUCK THEM! " and the whole tribe started runing towards them, and they started runing away from them, after a while ...

What do you call an airplane that bounces

Boeing Boeing Boeing

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What do terrorists and masturbating in an airplane have in common?

Hijacking

I have a joke on airplanes...

But I can't seem to land it.

Ever hear the one about the airplane?

No? Eh, it'd probably go over your head

I wasn't allowed to bring a board game in on an airplane.

The Risk was too big.

I've always wanted to joke about airplanes

Although I'm afraid they won't takeoff

What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?

A Boring 747

- Did you know that airplanes black boxes are actually orange?

- What? I thought they were boxes!

Did you hear about the airplane that crashed into a graveyard?

They found no survivors but recovered 6000 bodies.

Teacher arrested on airplane after bag was searched

A protractor, a ruler, a calculator, and a book of graph paper. He was charged with possessing implements of math instruction

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A Guy Gets on an Airplane

All is normal until about an hour in when the guy hears a strange noise. Shortly after, the captain says “uh folks there’s nothing to worry about, one of our engines just broke. Luckily, we have two more, but there will be a delay in reaching our final destination”. About another half hour goes by a...

Airplanes are a blessing in disguise

*clears throat*

Excuse me...

A blessing in the skies.



It’s better said than typed :/

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"<...

An airplane dropped a shipment of oranges, knives and bombs onto an island......

He then proceeds to land the plane to retrieve the items. While walking down the road, he notices a beggar laughing with joy. He asks him, "Why are you laughing?" The beggar responds, "I was walking down the road and oranges fell from heaven!"

After getting the oranges, he continued walking ...

Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater

...than submarines in the sky?

I really like that French song about the pink airplane.

L’avion Rose

A little girl opened a window on an airplane

She really had her head in the clouds for a moment.

Want to hear a joke about airplanes?

Nevermind, that joke would just fly over your head.

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

Well... airplane mode is pretty useless now

*segways into amateur joke set*

I wrote this joke, tell me what you think.

A vulture was boarding an airplane but was stopped at the gate and told he couldn't board. They said his carrion was too large.

A concerned airplane passenger asked me if I heard about bird strikes.

I honestly didn’t think they could carry signs.

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A man is sitting on an airplane....

...next to this young woman. After a minute of being seated the woman sneezes. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed it looked like she took one tissue and appeared to wipe under her skirt.

“I might be seeing things,” he thought. But not even a couple minutes later she sneezes again. This ...

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

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What does a vagina and the front of an airplane have in common?

They are both cockpits.

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Did you jump?

Dad putting his son to bed and son asks,
Son: “Dad, when you were in the Army did you ever jump out of an airplane?”
Dad: “well son, let me tell you about it.” “There we were at 10,000 ft, they opened the door and ordered all of us recruits out. Son, I walked up to the door, looked down and ...

Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

I just can’t see them taking off.

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

What is the purpose of the propeller on an airplane?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

What sound does an airplane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing!

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

I tried to make an airplane joke once

I didn’t really takeoff

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette stranded on a magic cliff.

This cliff is magical because when you jump off, you can become anything you say.

The three girls want to escape so the brunette jumps off and yells, “paper airplane!” She turns into one and flies away.

The redhead jumps off and says, “Bird!” She becomes a red bird and flies away...

Confucius once said...

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, and he flies for a day. Throw a man out of a flying plane, and he flies for the rest of his life."

The President visits a school

The President was visiting a school, and in one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"N...

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747 airplane?

Not everyone has ridden a 747.

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What do you call a black guy that flies an airplane?

A pilot you racist bastard.

I'd make a joke about an airplane

But I'm pretty sure it'd go over your head.

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

I have this new idea for an airplane...

...but I don't think it's gonna fly.

How often to airplanes crash?

Usually just once.

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

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An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

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A vulture boards an airplane carrying a dead raccoon

The TSA inspector tells him, you can't bring a dead on the plane.

The vulture replies "they said I could have one carrion"

Why did the deaf airplane passenger panic?

They saw the flight attendant yawn.

The joke's posted below

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are ...

How the airplane was actually invented

Everyone thinks the airplane was invented by two brothers in America, but it turns out that they really just outsourced everything to four Chinese brothers!

I guess four Wongs do make two Wrights.

A felt seasick on the airplane today

And it sure didnt help that there are tons of people screaming for lifejackets and rafts.

An airplane crashes on an uncharted island.

Out of everyone on board only 3 people survive, Bob, Jerry, and Rick. When they awake they have been captured by an indigenous tribe. As they beg for their survival the tribe leader speaks up.

Tribe leader: “you three have survived a big crash and are very lucky. As an act of mercy we will l...

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A woman starts her new job at an old folks home

She's placed in the dementia ward and goes about her day. Later in the day, an old man starts running around the TV area with his arms held wide, making airplane noises shouting "I'm flying to California! I'm flying to California!"

She rushes over and calms him down, finally able to sit him ...

Adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street

Then getting hit by an airplane.

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A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane...

The stewardess stops him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

When feeding me as a kid, my mom would always say “here comes the airplane!!!”

And I had to eat it or she wouldn’t let me out of the building.

A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."

The woman ignores him and tries to...

The Pope In The Airplane

The pope is in an airplane doing a crossword puzzle and this guy sitting next to him is totally taken aback with excitement. He thinks to himself "I'm pretty good at crosswords maybe he'll ask me to help him with one of the words."

Sure enough the pope turns to him and says "What is a four...

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If you masturbate on an airplane

Is that considered a high jacking?

I have a really good airplane joke I want to share

But I think it might go over your head

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What is it called when an airplane crashes in a Nazi concentration camp?

Nein Eleven

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

Spy

A spy is getting instructions for his mission: “You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will...

I know i was a smart kid

When i was like 8 or 9 i threw my father's phone from the terrace, by turning the airplane mode on cause i thought it would take off. And after 10 years, here i am studying engineering realizing that airplanes don't take off mid-air. I should've tried it on the ground.

What do politics and airplanes have in common ?

You need both right and left wings, or you crash.

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After landing at his airplane

the captain forgets to turn off the intercom!

The co-pilot asks "What are you doing after this?"

The pilot replies, "first thing I need to do is go for a shit! then I am gonna fuck the arse off that new blond stewardess.

The Stewardess hears this & runs to the cockpit to con...

Wanna hear a bad airplane joke?

It never lands

Me: "Here comes the airplane!"

Baby: *Opens mouth*

Me: "OH NO!!! It's the Taliban!"

*Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon.*

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible fo...

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A WWII Veteran is recounting his time in the Air Force with his grandkids

"I remember flying over Hamburg, I saw one fucker attempt to shoot down my wingman, so I attacked that fucker, but then another fucker came up behind me, and I had to dodge both of those fuckers." He says to his grandchildren.

"A Fokker is a kind of German Airplane." His daughter says to her ...

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An extravagant billionaire made his fortunes selling concrete. Life got lavish and boring. One day he gets in an argument with another bored gentleman about the possibility of creating a flying airplane out of concrete. Billionaire gets excited and decides to build one whatever it takes.

First, he goes to an American aerospace company.

"Can you build an airplane out of concrete?"
"That's going to be very difficult."
"I don't care how difficult. Can you?"
"That will cost $3 bln. and will take 3 years".
"OK, fine".

3 years and $3 bln later, on time ...

Have you heard the joke about the airplane

Never mind it would probably go over everyone's heads.

I've always wondered about the inspiration for the band name Jefferson Airplane

but I think we all know it's a historical reference by now.

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

Why didn't your mom want to get on the airplane.

She once heard pigs can't fly and an elephant never forgets

Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly?

The Wrong Brothers

Airplane Pilot flies with his Cat

There's an old pilot with a little 2-seat plane who loves flying alone with his cat, & goes on all sorts of adventures together.

One day during a flight, he starts experiencing engine trouble, & declares an emergency:

"Mayday, Mayday, engine failure."

After some communic...

Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.

Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."

John:"I don't think it is that terrible."

Mike:"How could you say that?"

John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."

The Grim Reaper Challenge

There were three men on an airplane somewhere above the Atlantic ocean. Suddenly Grim Reaper appears on the plane. He says”Before I take you all with me ‘ll give you a chance to survive. Each one of you will throw something to the ocean and if I find it you will die”.

The first one throws a n...

Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

What do you call the Swiss president's airplane?

Tobler One

A captain is flying an airplane over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he starts laughing maniacally.

"What's so funny?" the co-pilot asks.

"Oh, I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

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