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Blonde on an airplane

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class....

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

What do we want? Low flying airplanes! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeooooowwwww!

An airplane was about to crash...

There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald ...

How often do airplanes crash?

Just once.

I just saw a Boeing 707 airplane do an 180 degree flip in the air

LOL

How did Ben Shapiro destroy an airplane?

He took out the left wing

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She tu...

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

What sound does a 747 airplane make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

What is the purpose of the propeller on an airplane?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

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What do you call a black guy that flies an airplane?

A pilot you racist bastard.

Why did the deaf airplane passenger panic?

They saw the flight attendant yawn.

How the airplane was actually invented

Everyone thinks the airplane was invented by two brothers in America, but it turns out that they really just outsourced everything to four Chinese brothers!

I guess four Wongs do make two Wrights.

An airplane is going to crash.

A female passenger jumps up and shouts " If I am going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes her clothes and asks "Is there a worthy man that fulfill my last wish?"

A man stands up and remove his shirt and said "Here you go, Iron this"

When feeding me as a kid, my mom would always say “here comes the airplane!!!”

And I had to eat it or she wouldn’t let me out of the building.

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

I have this new idea for an airplane...

...but I don't think it's gonna fly.

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

A felt seasick on the airplane today

And it sure didnt help that there are tons of people screaming for lifejackets and rafts.

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After landing at his airplane

the captain forgets to turn off the intercom!

The co-pilot asks "What are you doing after this?"

The pilot replies, "first thing I need to do is go for a shit! then I am gonna fuck the arse off that new blond stewardess.

The Stewardess hears this & runs to the cockpit to con...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

I have a really good airplane joke I want to share

But I think it might go over your head

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If you masturbate on an airplane

Is that considered a high jacking?

An airplane crashes on an uncharted island.

Out of everyone on board only 3 people survive, Bob, Jerry, and Rick. When they awake they have been captured by an indigenous tribe. As they beg for their survival the tribe leader speaks up.

Tribe leader: “you three have survived a big crash and are very lucky. As an act of mercy we will l...

Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.

Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."

John:"I don't think it is that terrible."

Mike:"How could you say that?"

John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."

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An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

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A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This...

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A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane...

The stewardess stops him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

What do politics and airplanes have in common ?

You need both right and left wings, or you crash.

Me: "Here comes the airplane!"

Baby: *Opens mouth*

Me: "OH NO!!! It's the Taliban!"

*Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon.*

Wanna hear a bad airplane joke?

It never lands

The Pope In The Airplane

The pope is in an airplane doing a crossword puzzle and this guy sitting next to him is totally taken aback with excitement. He thinks to himself "I'm pretty good at crosswords maybe he'll ask me to help him with one of the words."

Sure enough the pope turns to him and says "What is a four...

Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

I just can't see them taking off.

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What is it called when an airplane crashes in a Nazi concentration camp?

Nein Eleven

Why didn't your mom want to get on the airplane.

She once heard pigs can't fly and an elephant never forgets

I've always wondered about the inspiration for the band name Jefferson Airplane

but I think we all know it's a historical reference by now.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

Have you heard the joke about the airplane

Never mind it would probably go over everyone's heads.

What do you call the Swiss president's airplane?

Tobler One

Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly?

The Wrong Brothers

It was mealtime on an airplane...

...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

My priest performed a baptism on an airplane

It was a blessing in da skies

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

Stolen from Facebook:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible fo...

A captain is flying an airplane over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he starts laughing maniacally.

"What's so funny?" the co-pilot asks.

"Oh, I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."

The woman ignores him and tries to...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

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Man is on an Airplane...

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

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An engineering professor and his students are offered a free airplane ticket for an educational trip

Once they get on the plane the captain announces that the plane has in fact been built by the engineering students and that this is the first test ride.

Everyone rushes off the plane while the professor remains calm in his seat.

A flight attendant then approaches the professor and asks...

What's the difference between an airplane and a woman?

I've been inside an airplane.

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” says the lady to the man next to her on the airplane.

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little pumpkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a pict...

After the recent incidents regarding 737 MAX airplanes Boeing should definitely rebrand.

Boink is much more fitting.

So I tried airplane mode for the first time.

But when I threw my phone, it didn't fly.

We just flew into Atlanta, and the landing was HORRIBLE.

After the overhead bins quit popping open and the bouncing stopped and the dust settled, the flight attendant got on the intercom and explained.

“I just want to apologize for that terrible landing, but keep in mind that it wasn’t the pilot’s fault. And it wasn’t the airplane’s fault. It was ...

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What do an airplane and a girl have in common?

A cockpit

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A man and a woman are sitting together on an airplane.

The man sneezes, pulls out his dick, and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his dick and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude p...

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What do you call eating a girl's ass out on an airplane?

Skyrim

If you are in an airplane, how will you know if you are already in Barcelona?

Stick your hand out of the airplane's window. if it's hot, you might be in africa, if it's cold, you might be in russia. If you lose your watch, you are already in barcelona.

You scream in a Library and everyone looks at you funny.

But you scream in an airplane and everyone joins in.

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

I yelled “Hi Jack!” To my friend across the airplane

Security must not like shouting because they wouldn’t let me fly after that

I only fly on married airplanes

They never go down on you.

Why is development in airplane engineering so slow?

Everyone is afraid to make a ground breaking design.

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might ...

Both of the airplane's jet engines caught on fire. It's a disaster. You pick the last parachute, jump out. The parachute doesn't deploy. It's terrifying.

Oh come on, what's with all the drama?! You have the rest of your life to fix it!

There are more airplanes in the ocean

than submarines in the sky

I just put my phone on airplane mode and threw it across the office

Worst transformer ever.

A blonde gets on an airplane to fly back home

As she enters the plane, she begins jumping up and down, all the way to her seat.

The flight attendant notices this, concerned for the blondes mental state, notifies the captain of her actions.

The captain walks down to the blonde, who’s now bouncing in her seat. He asks the blonde “w...

Two wrongs don't make a right but,

Two Wright's make an airplane.

An airplane carrying politicians crashed in a farmers field...

When the police showed up they asked the farmer of there were any survivors

He said " I buried all of them, a cpuple said we're still alive, but them politicians like to lie."

A vulture walks into an airplane with a rotting corpse.

The flight attendant screams, “You cannot bring that on this plane.” The vulture says, “It’s just my carrion.”

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

My son saw an airplane in the sky and he asked me what it was doing?

I said it was running AIRands

Where does John fogerty like to sit when he flies in an airplane?

Coach

"this joke about airplanes will never take off"

"well not with that altitude!"

An airplane yells at his rebellious son...

.. "Watch that altitude, young man"

A beautiful lady came and sat next to me on the airplane.

I said, "I'm sorry, but this is not your seat."


"How do you know that? It's the same seat number as on my ticket"


"I don't know about that, but I do know my fate pretty well."

There were four people on an airplane. The pilot, a pastor, 'The Smartest Teenager in the World' and a teenager with a backpack.

A few hours into the flight, the pilot comes out and says, "Our engine is on fire and we're going to crash! We only have three parachutes, and I'm taking the first because I have a wife and three growing kids."

The pilot took the first parachute and left.

'The Smartest Teenager in th...

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I'm horny as hell right now but my girlfriend won't have sex with me in the airplane's lavatory.

She doesn't give a flying fuck.

What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seat belts.

What size of airplane would little people ride?

Mid-Jet!

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

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Getting old....

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing."

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She is "only thinking of me," s...

A man goes into the pool and comes out of the pool. An airplane goes into the sea, what does it come out of?

The news.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane.

The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.

Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one ofhis questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.

The lawye...

Fred and mary got married

but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Jo...

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

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A man with a huge black-eye boards an airplane...

The flight attendant guides him towards his assigned seat, right beside another already seated passenger who also has a huge black-eye (same one). The first man says: "What are the odds? We share a flight to the same destination, we both have the same big ugly shiner on the same eye, and we are seat...

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