Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?"

One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is ...

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Watching My Neighbor Through the Fence

I was looking.through my fence and saw my neighbor, with the big titties, gardening topless.

I really wish his wife did the gardening.

I said to my mate Noah: ‘You should change your surname to Fence...

...No offence.’

Just put an electric fence around my garden..

My neighbor is dead against it.

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.”

The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?”


Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s insi...

Why do cemeteries have fences?

Because people are dying to get in.

What did the fence builder say when his fence fell down after driving the last pilon into an old buried hand grenade?

Wow, didn't expect this post to blow up!

The fence builder hates getting emails about his materials.

He's tired of seeing Re: Posts

A man gets caught stealing supplies to build a fence, what is he charged with?

Criminal offences

I suck at building fences. Anyone have any tips?

Oh. I put this post in the wrong place, didn’t I?

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The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

There's something I love about electric fences

But I can't put my finger on it

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

So yesterday and I went to the house of a friend whom I met on Reddit, and when I arrived there I noticed that all of his fences were gone...

I found him in his backyard trying to build new fences on the ground, so I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I thought that my house could use a new change, so I decided to start by switching my fences." Confused, I asked him what's the difference between these new fences compared to his old...

My friend got zapped from a electric fence

Now he is acting wired

How does a Redditor fix a broken fence?

They repost it

Why should you call a handyman to build your fence, but a redditor to fix it?

The handy man is good at putting in posts, but nobody reposts like a redditor.

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

I read recently that someone drilled a hole into a fence at a nudist colony...

the police are looking into it

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A guy is walking along a stretch of tall fences, minding his own business...

...when he notices chanting coming from the other side of the fence. He makes his way closer to make out what it is he's hearing.

"18...18...18....18..." is what he hears from a chorus of voices on the other side.

He looks along the fence until he finds a hole to peer through and see w...

Did you know fences make good neighbors

And bad neighbors make good fertilizer.

An old southern farmer is out one day with his dog repairing a fence row when suddenly part of it bursts into flames..

Wow I did not expect this post to blow up.

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Two neighbourhood ladies were chatting over the fence

Suddenly, one of them says, "OMG, my husband will be home in a minute. I must rush home and make his dinner". She runs into the house and grabs the first thing she sees, a can of dog food.Sticks it in the micro-wave, heats it up and places it before him just in time for his dinner.

Next day s...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

Why was my post removed

Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed?

I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.

What does a fence repairman and r/jokes have in common?

Reposts

Why are Nintendo players afraid of the fence?

Because it prevents animal crossing.

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

Talking over the fence

My wife Julie was talking over the garden fence to our neighbor Betty.

"Hi Betty, how are things, how are you finding all this lock down stuff?"

"It's OK, bit strange having Jim around the house so much."

"I can imagine, I saw him coming home this morning from the store, he had ...

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison fence.

I thought to myself, “that’s a little condescending.”

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."

What do repaired fences and Reddit have in common?

They're both full of reposts.

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

A little old lady

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, rea...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

So I walked past a wired fence today

Somebody from behind shouted: "Be careful, it might be electrified! If you touch it, you will get the shock of a lifetime!"

I looked the person dead in the eye and without hesitation, I grabbed the fence to prove them wrong

My mother, who was walking next me then told me I was adopted

A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence

The father says to the son "Watch this." and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son "Your turn, son." The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence.

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

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I work at a factory that turns organic waste into fence parts.

All I do for eight hours a day is make shit posts.

My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties.

I think it's a fence sieve.

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.

Never hire a redditor to build you a fence.

They repost a lot.

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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...

‟I need to nispect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.”

I said, ‟Okay, but do not go into that field over there.....”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ‟Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant office...

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Three Men Came to America

One Irish One Canadian and One Mexican. They all lined up to pass their citizenship test.

The professor said...ok. Use the word contagious in a sentence. If you get this correct you pass and will be American Citizens.

The professor asks the Canadian to use the word contagious in a sen...

What do fence repair contractors and reddit moderators have in common?

Sometimes post removal is part of the job.

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What does a shit farmer use to build his shit fence?

shit post

There are two morons sitting on a fence

A big moron and a little moron. Suddenly, the big moron falls off whilst the little moron stays on!

All because he was a little moron.

For security, I built a really powerful electric fence around my property.

My neighbour is dead against it!!!

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

A Scotsman was giving a walking tour to a Greek guy through the hills of Scotland. They came across a sheep that had its head stuck in a hole in a fence.

‘Let me show you what we do in a situation like this’ says the Scotsman with a grin as he unzips his trousers and has his way with the sheep. After he finished he turns to the Greek and says
‘Ok, now it’s your turn’
‘I can’t!’ Protests the Greek, ‘My head won’t fit in that hole.’

A Man is walking home when

He passes a large privacy fence. On the other side of the fence he can hear about 3 or 4 children chanting," 12,12,12,12,12" very ritualisticly. He sees a small hole in the fence and gets right up to it so he can see what is happening on the other side. Just as he did a small finger came out of the ...

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

I’m not sure if “Humpty Dumpty” is a good nursery rhyme or not...

... I’m kinda on the fence about it.

A teenage boy tells an old lady her fence is broken, and says he could fix it, for a small fee

The lady thinks its an honest job, and her fence did broke a few days ago.

"But wait, what are you going to do with the money?"

"Oh, ma'am, I intend to buy a car!" Answers the boy.

"That is wonderful! Good to see a young gent already thinking about his future, and doing some hon...

I was walking past the outside of an insane asylum the other day

and as I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..." they excitedly chanted. All of them saying the same number over and over.

As I approached I s...

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Why is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence?

Because it's full of shit

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

A sheperd and his flock of sheep wondered onto his grumpy old neighbors property and got stuck in a fenced area...

...his neighbor told him to hurry and get the flock out.

In an alternate reality where fences are females and posts are male...

A teenage post teases that his friend is taking another post to prom. The friend says, "Hey! I take a fence to that!"

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A guy from the city decides to go hunting

He spends a bunch of money getting all the right equipment and gear and camouflage outfit, etc. then heads out to hunt some geese. He finds his local hunting grounds and heads out with his rifle. He spends all day not seeing a single animal, and just before he decides to give up, he sees a flock o...

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An 80 year old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence

For a good 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds. Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. Christ she said "You didnt Fuck Me like that 50 years ago!" To which the old man replied “50 years ago that fence Wasnt Fucking electric!"

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Larry the horny Cockerel

Farmer goes to market to buy a cockerel to mate with his hens. At the market he sees one going very cheap. The previous owner is very happy to sell it. Back at the farm the cockerel (now named Larry) is set among the henhouse, the farmer goes to bed.
Larry Fucks most of the hens to death, jumps ...

At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place.

One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggress...

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."

How big is the average fence?

Around a yard.

Two farmers are standing at a fence talking.

Farmer 1: Do your cows smoke cigarettes???
Farmer 2: No, of course not

Farmer 1: Then your barn is on fire.

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

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The Post Turtle (Re-post, but still valid.)

An old man was in the ER having a wound stitched up.

As they chatted the subject eventually turned to politics.
The Dr. asked the man his thoughts on President Trump.

The old man told him that Trump was a post turtle.
Not understand the term the Dr. asked the man what a post turt...

A man is walking besides the insane asylum

When he hears a commotion coming over the fence. The people inside the asylum are chanting

“FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE...”

He notices a small hole on the wall and curiously peeks inside to see what’s going on.

Someone pokes him in the eye with a stick. And then he hears chanting...

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Two farmers are walking along a field and come across a sheep that has gotten its head stuck in a fence.

"Now let's have some fun!" one of them says as he takes off his pants, and fucks the sheep. "Now it's your turn!" he says to the other farmer. -"Okay" he responds, sticking his head into the fence.

A man is walking down the street when he hears a commotion behind a tall fence.

As he gets closer he hears that it’s a large group of people all shouting in unison, “12! 12! 12! 12!”
The man, getting very curious, spots a small hole in the fence and decides to take a peek to see what’s going on.
Right as he puts his face up to the fence someone jabs their finger out the ...

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Nine medical tests you can do yourself

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbour’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, ...

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

[NSFW] Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it..

I probably should have told her about the new electric fence

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A cop spots an old lady carrying two big sacks.

One of the the sacks is leaking $20 bills, so the cop asks her where she got all that money.

She said "There's a golf course behind my house, and when men have to pee they stick their penises though a hole in my fence and do their business all over my flowers."

"So what did you do?" as...

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My next door neighbour really gets upset at his wife whenever she’s sunbathing nude.

Personally, I am on the fence.

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence.

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

My dad claimed he could jump higher than a 7 foot fence.

Of course he was right though, Fences can't jump at all!

A mime is working at a zoo...

One day, the head zookeeper pulls him aside to chat. He says, "Bobo, our silverback gorilla, the star attraction here at the zoo, has died. We don't want to lose the revenue, so we want to hire you to dress up in a gorilla suit and pretend to be Bobo. We'll pay you triple what you're making now."...

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A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.

The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"

The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."

The carp...

Have you ever seen ....

I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.

A horse *fly*?

A goldfish *bowl*?

A shoe *box*?

A floor *mop*?

A cat *fish*?

A spelling *bee*?

A chimney *sweep*?

A chicken *strip*?

A monk...

Two covid deniers are taking a walk in the woods when they encounter a sheep...

Two covid deniers were out taking a walk in the woods when they discovered a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

The first denier pulls down his pants and gets to business.

Completing, he turns to his friend and said, "Now it's your turn."

The other covid denier then sticks hi...

Is this the right sub? Need help repairing my fence.

It seems everyone knows how to repost here.

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

Nightclub doormen say I'm "not a REAL bouncer" because I guard the fenced entry to an outdoor wine patio...

... but that's just gatekeeping.

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Why couldn't the manure farmer fix his fence?

Because he had a shitpost.

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