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Lumberjack Jokes

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

How do you escape an angry lumberjack on the internet?

You log off

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

How do you differentiate between a mathematician and a lumberjack?

By the way pronounce "axes".

What does a Chinese lumberjack do?

Chop sticks

Did you hear about the Lumberjack who abruptly stopped doing his job?

He just woodn't.

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

Why did the lumberjack lose his arm?

He had an axeident.

How did the lumberjack gain access into the tree?

He hacked his way through.

A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.

The secretary says, “ I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.”

The lumberjack replies, “I actually cut down 237 trees.”

”Are you sure?”, says the secretary, “Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.”

“Sure, I’m sure,” replies the lumberjack. “I kept a log”.

A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...

The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.

"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down ...

A lumberjack applies for a job...

...the interviewer asks, "so, where have you worked previously?"

The lumberjack replies, "I did a few years in the Sahara Forest."

The interviewer, taken aback, inquires, "the Sahara 'Forest?' Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

Lumberjack says, "yeah, that's what they call it n...

A lumberjack says to another

You know I can cut a log just by looking at it.

The other lumberjack says “that’s not possible”.

The lumberjack says “It may seem impossible but I saw it with my own two eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?

His name is Tim

A Lumberjack is about to Swing his axe right at a tree until he hears a noise

"Stop! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!"
The Lumberjack stops, and says
"And you will Dialogue"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a lumberjack, a petrolhead and a sex addict have in common?

All of them love Goodwood.

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."

The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's s...

What do you get when you cross a musician, a mathematician, and a lumberjack?

A Logarithm

There was a lumberjack who accidentally sawed off his left arm and leg.

He's all right now.

I made a cartoon about a lumberjack...

...but the animation was choppy and the voice acting was wooden.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?

Now he's a branch manager.

Lumberjack contest

A man entered a contest to see who could chop down a tree the quickest. With a clear lead, the man started swinging his axe faster and faster out of excitement. With the tree ready to fall, he took a misguided swing and chopped off both of his feet. He stayed in the competition, but came in second p...

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chan...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Our village has a lady lumberjack

Every time I see her I get wood

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

The lumberjack

Delbert lands his dream job. He gets hired on as a logger. On his first day, the boss man takes him out into the woods, gives him his chainsaw, and says "Usually, our guys can cut down about 100 trees a day. Its your first day, so I'll understand if you're a bit short. Now get to it."

And wit...

My 3 year old's first joke: what did the lumberjack say to the tree?

I saw you.

A sperm donor, a lumberjack, and an agreeable man walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he concurred.

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be some...

What do musketeers have in common with lonely lumberjack?

They both come in trees.

What do you call a lumberjack who works for free?

A fallen-tree worker

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

A lumberjack applied for a job.

Supervisor: "Let's test your abilities. Go over to that forest there and cut down as many trees as you can in one minute."

\*one minute later\*

Supervisor: "Wow! This is the best I've ever seen! 20 trees in one minute! Where did you work before?"

Lumberjack: "The Sahara Forest."...

What does a Lumberjack gather at 6 AM ?

Morning Wood

An Irish lumberjack goes shopping

He goes up to the clerk of the lumberjack store and asks for a saw. The clerk goes to the back of the store and returns with a large chainsaw. After payment is resolved, the clerk claims that the chainsaw will cut down over 20 trees everyday. The clerk and lumberjack share a laugh, and the lumberjac...

What's the difference between a miner and a lumberjack?

You don't get arrested for dating a lumberjack.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

I met this Amputee Lumberjack

He said his specialty was stumps

A lumberjack lost his arm cutting wood.

It was an axe-ident.

What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?

They're both tree fellers.

What do you call a car crash with a lumberjack

An *Axe*-ident

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lumberjack in the emergency room

So the lumberjack had a slight accident with his chainsaw and went to the ER to get his leg stitched up. The attendant asks him would he like some anesthetic, but he says
"Naw, this is only the third worst pain of my life."
Attendant: "OMG! What was the second worst pain?"
LJ: "I was i...

A man applies for a job as a lumberjack

Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience?

Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years.

Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked?

The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir.

The Sahara ...

What does a Homicidal Lumberjack smell like?

Axe Body Spray

My wife wishes I looked more like a rugged lumberjack.

And I wish she looked like less of one.

What’s the difference between a pirate and a cold lumberjack?

One says “Shiver me timbers”
The other shivers in the timbers

I tried joining a lumberjack site for some strength tips

I couldn't log in.

The New Lumberjack

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.

...

A Lumberjack Named Chuck is Working at a Mill

His job is to throw lumber down the chute to the saw that cuts them in half. One day, he's in a horrible accident, and loses both of his arms. Obviously he can't work, and fights tooth and nail with his union to get him the pay he would've received if he could work the rest of the year. They send a ...

Steve got a job as a lumberjack...

and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. "here you go. now get to it."

Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.

"How many did you get?", he asks.

"One", Steve answers.

"wait, how is that possible? I need you to cut down at least 10...

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love lumberjack porn

It gives me wood

What do you call a hairy lumberjack that's been mauled by a bear

A bear`ed man

I got chatting to this lumberjack the other day

He seemed like a decent feller

What do you call a lumberjack from the middle east?

Osama Bin Loggin

What does a French lumberjack yell just before the tree falls?

Tomber!

Whats the difference between being a lumberjack and any other job?

You get the axe when you're hired not fired.

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

A Lumberjack walks into a Magical Forest..

He finds a mighty tree and begins to chop it down. As soon as he starts chopping, the tree yells out "Stop it! I'm a talking tree!" The lumber jack responds, "And you'll dialogue."

An environmentalist and a lumberjack are having a discussion on women.

They both are having a tough time talking to women, so they decide to offer each other advice.

Environmentalist: "So what's your best pickup line?"

Lumberjack: "It's more of a steel cable I tie to my truck to haul logs"

Environmentalist: "No I mean what do you first say to them?...

What do you call it when a lumberjack turns on their computer?

Logging in.

A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

How did the lumberjack cure his constipation?

He dropped a log.

Why was the lumberjack executed?

He committed treeson.

A Lumberjack is out cutting wood with his son

A Lumberjack is out working and has brought his son along to show him what he does, as he hopes the son will inherit the business one day. The following conversation occurs.

Son: Why do you do what you do, Dad?

Lumberjack: Well son, this is our family business! I inherited it from your...

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

What do you call a wise pig who's also a lumberjack?

A saw sage

I used to work in a lumberjack camp...

But my boss gave me the axe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

OC Joke - Why did the clown make a bad lumberjack?

Because he had celiacs (silly axe) disease.

*ba dum tss*

What is a lumberjacks' favorite drink?

Lager.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lumberjack has sex with a witch, gets his soul trapped inside a jigsaw, and seeks revenge by ruining her cheese company

*I Came. I Saw. I Con Curd.*

What do you call a lumberjack without any legs?

Stumped!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets a job as a lumberjack

He's in a logging camp in the middle of nowhere and everything is going great. After a couple of weeks he's talking to his foreman when he says, "I notice there's no women around for miles, what do you guys do to satisfy your needs?" The foreman hands him a map and tells him to follow this to the bi...

What do you call a southern lumberjack

a tree feller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska...

So a lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska and it's been a while since he's been with a woman. So one day, he asks his boss what the other lumberjacks do for pleasure around here. He says "try the hole in the barrel out by the showers." So, the next day, the lumberjack is showering and he decides...

My friend told this great lumberjack joke the other day.

But no one was around to hear it...

I had long suspected a rival robot lumberjack of stealing my wood

So I checked its log files.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who worked overtime?

He logged a lot of hours.

Two lumberjacks are having a conversation.

One of them says "You know, I can cut wood just by looking at it!"

The other replies "That's not possible! I don't believe you!"

The first says "I know, that it's hard to believe, but I'm telling you! I saw it with my two eyes!"

I used to be a lumberjack in the Sahara...

-But the Sahara is a desert.

-Now it is.

What do you call a lumberjack who directs gothic films?

Timber-ton.

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

Bubba wants to be a Lumberjack

Bubba is a good old boy from Texas who visits Alaska and is amazed at the size of Alaska. He visits a lumber camp and wants to be a Lumberjack he tells the foreman. The boys have a little fun with Bubba and they tell him you have to pass 3 tests. Test one is to chop a hole in the frozen lake and swi...

The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time...

...he's our key logger.

A young man joined up with a lumberjack camp

On his first day at the camp, one of the old hands was showing him the ropes: when to eat, where to pull timber, all the little details he needed to know to do his job. At the end of the impromptu lesson, the old hand asked the young man whether he had any questions.

"Just one," said the yo...

A Small Man Goes to Oregon to become a Lumberjack

The Small Man walks up to the Foreman and says, "I want a Job as a Lumberjack"

The Foreman says, "How big are you?"

Small Man "Five Foot-Four Inches and 90 pounds"

Foreman "No chance; you are far too small to be a Lumberjack on my Crew"

Small man replies "But I'm the best...

A musician, a lumberjack, and a mathematician were in a room together...

They made a log-rhythm.

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