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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

A lumberjack says to another

You know I can cut a log just by looking at it.

The other lumberjack says “that’s not possible”.

The lumberjack says “It may seem impossible but I saw it with my own two eyes.

Why are lumberjacks always men?

Because they're fellers.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

How did the lumberjack gain access into the tree?

He hacked his way through.

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

Where were all the lumberjacks taking the train to?

Deforestation

They should make a breakfast cereal exclusively for lumberjacks

They can call it morning wood

What do musketeers have in common with lonely lumberjack?

They both come in trees.

My 3 year old's first joke: what did the lumberjack say to the tree?

I saw you.

What's a lumberjacks favorite dating app?

Tinnnnddddeeerrr!!

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.

Lumberjacks are bad at fixing computers

They only know how to log out.

A sperm donor, a lumberjack, and an agreeable man walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he concurred.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who uses reddit?

The other day I heard he had an axe me anything.

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

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A Finnish salesman comes to Russia to sell chainsaws to local lumberjacks.

“With this saw a good lumberjack can cut down 40 trees an hour and not even get tired” says the salesman.

The lumberjacks, thinking that sounds pretty good, place an order for 50 chainsaws.

At first they are delighted but then the miracle wears off as they notice the Finnish salesman...

What's the difference between a miner and a lumberjack?

You don't get arrested for dating a lumberjack.

Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?

His name is Tim

My friend's and I have made an allegiance to become lumberjacks during times of military conflict.

It's called the War Saw Pact

What do you call a lumberjack who works for free?

A fallen-tree worker

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2 lumberjacks

2 foreigners want to immigrate to Canada. They go to the immigration office. First guy goes in and the immigration officer asks “alright you want to come into Canada, what do you do for work?”

The foreigner says “oh I a pilot, I a pilot “
Immigration officer goes “alright a pilot sounds g...

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

What does a Homicidal Lumberjack smell like?

Axe Body Spray

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D

He was a smart feller.

A man applies for a job as a lumberjack

Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience?

Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years.

Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked?

The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir.

The Sahara ...

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be some...

A lumberjack lost his arm cutting wood.

It was an axe-ident.

What do you call a car crash with a lumberjack

An *Axe*-ident

A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, th...

What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?

Tree fellers

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

A Lumberjack Named Chuck is Working at a Mill

His job is to throw lumber down the chute to the saw that cuts them in half. One day, he's in a horrible accident, and loses both of his arms. Obviously he can't work, and fights tooth and nail with his union to get him the pay he would've received if he could work the rest of the year. They send a ...

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?

Now he's a branch manager.

African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

I met this Amputee Lumberjack

He said his specialty was stumps

There are 2 lumberjacks.

One hits the tree with an axe, and the other uses a saw to finish the job.

The one with the axe took down a tree by himself and said, "Could you see yourself cutting down a tree like that?"

The other man said, "No, I saw."

My wife wishes I looked more like a rugged lumberjack.

And I wish she looked like less of one.

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

A lumberjack applied for a job.

Supervisor: "Let's test your abilities. Go over to that forest there and cut down as many trees as you can in one minute."

\*one minute later\*

Supervisor: "Wow! This is the best I've ever seen! 20 trees in one minute! Where did you work before?"

Lumberjack: "The Sahara Forest."...

Why don’t lumberjacks work naked?

They might cut the wrong wood

A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...

The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.

"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down ...

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chan...

A Lumberjack is out cutting wood with his son

A Lumberjack is out working and has brought his son along to show him what he does, as he hopes the son will inherit the business one day. The following conversation occurs.

Son: Why do you do what you do, Dad?

Lumberjack: Well son, this is our family business! I inherited it from your...

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

In my 20’s i worked in the woods as a lumberjack

just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax

Whos a lumberjack's favorite director?

TiiimBuuuuurrrrton

If competitive lumberjacking is a sport...

...then Pinocchio would be a hall-of-famer.

What’s the difference between a pirate and a cold lumberjack?

One says “Shiver me timbers”
The other shivers in the timbers

Steve got a job as a lumberjack...

and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. "here you go. now get to it."

Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.

"How many did you get?", he asks.

"One", Steve answers.

"wait, how is that possible? I need you to cut down at least 10...

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

A short and skinny guy, Dave, enters the lumberjacks' office

He says he wants a job. A giant man stands up, laughs, and tells him to be in the woods at 5 a.m. 4.55 am, Dave is there. The giant tells him everybody has to clear 5 acres of trees until the end of the shift. The shift ends, Dave cuts 5.2 acres. The giant, obviously impressed, asks him where he lea...

Why did the lumberjack break his tools?

It was an axedent

There was a great TV show about lumberjacks.

But it got axed.

A Lumberjack walks into a Magical Forest..

He finds a mighty tree and begins to chop it down. As soon as he starts chopping, the tree yells out "Stop it! I'm a talking tree!" The lumber jack responds, "And you'll dialogue."

An environmentalist and a lumberjack are having a discussion on women.

They both are having a tough time talking to women, so they decide to offer each other advice.

Environmentalist: "So what's your best pickup line?"

Lumberjack: "It's more of a steel cable I tie to my truck to haul logs"

Environmentalist: "No I mean what do you first say to them?...

I tried joining a lumberjack site for some strength tips

I couldn't log in.

I got chatting to this lumberjack the other day

He seemed like a decent feller

Why are lumberjacks such great singers?

Their voice has an incredible timber.

I think I just got fired from my new job.

I thought I'd make a great lumberjack, but the boss just gave me the axe.

Man comes for a lumberjack's recruitment interview

Recruiter: Do you have any experience as a lumberjack sir?

Man: Yes, I used to work in the desert.

Recruiter: But there are no trees in the desert!

Man: There are no trees... anymore, sir.

A young man joined up with a lumberjack camp

On his first day at the camp, one of the old hands was showing him the ropes: when to eat, where to pull timber, all the little details he needed to know to do his job. At the end of the impromptu lesson, the old hand asked the young man whether he had any questions.

"Just one," said the yo...

What do you call a wise pig who's also a lumberjack?

A saw sage

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A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

OC Joke - Why did the clown make a bad lumberjack?

Because he had celiacs (silly axe) disease.

*ba dum tss*

A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

An Irish lumberjack goes shopping

He goes up to the clerk of the lumberjack store and asks for a saw. The clerk goes to the back of the store and returns with a large chainsaw. After payment is resolved, the clerk claims that the chainsaw will cut down over 20 trees everyday. The clerk and lumberjack share a laugh, and the lumberjac...

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PP JOKE

three men enter hell the devil asks the men what did you use to work as the first man said a lumberjack so the devil said that they will chop his pp off the second man said a firefighter so the devil said we will burn his pp off the third thought about it and said lolipop sales men

edit : for...

What does a French lumberjack yell just before the tree falls?

Tomber!

What do you call it when a lumberjack turns on their computer?

Logging in.

Circumcising and lumberjacking are very similar

You’re chopping wood.

Whats the difference between being a lumberjack and other jobs?

You get the axe when you're hired.

What do you call a lumberjack from the middle east?

Osama Bin Loggin

Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle?

He was stumped.

The New Lumberjack

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.

...

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."

The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's s...

What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?

They're both tree fellers.

How did the lumberjack cure his constipation?

He dropped a log.

What is a lumberjack's favorite punctuation?

An axelamation mark!

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

A tiny guy applies for a job as a lumberjack.

“Sorry,” says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down. “You’re just too small.”

“Give me a chance to show you what I can do,” the guy pleads. “You won’t regret it.”

“O.K.,” says the boss. “See that giant oak over there? Let’s see you chop it down.”

Half an hour later, th...

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A lumberjack has sex with a witch, gets his soul trapped inside a jigsaw, and seeks revenge by ruining her cheese company

*I Came. I Saw. I Con Curd.*

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A guy gets a job as a lumberjack

He's in a logging camp in the middle of nowhere and everything is going great. After a couple of weeks he's talking to his foreman when he says, "I notice there's no women around for miles, what do you guys do to satisfy your needs?" The foreman hands him a map and tells him to follow this to the bi...

What do you call a lumberjack without any legs?

Stumped!

What do you call a southern lumberjack

a tree feller

Who Is every lumberjack's favourite director?

TIMBURRRTON!

What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?

bored.


ha^ha

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