This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.

"I am here about the job"

The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"

"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you p...

A lumber jack went into a forest....

Upon entering he found a tree and began his first swing when the tree suddenly shouted, “wait I’m a talking tree”
And the lumberjack grinned and said,
“And you will dialogue”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constru...

How did the lumberjack know his lumber delivery was incomplete?

He kept a log.

It'd be weird if they made implants out of lumber

wooden tit?

I once dated a girl at a lumber yard...

I got wood every time I saw her.

A scrawny little fellow turned up at a lumber company looking for work.

'Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,' he said to the head lumberjack. 'All right,' said the boss. 'Take this axe and cut fired that oak tree.' Five minutes later the man was back. 'I've cut it down,' he says, 'and split it into lumber.' The boss couldn't believe his eyes. 'Where on eart...

There are three lumber jacks.

There is an Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Chinese guy. The boss puts the Italian guy in charge of cutting down the trees, the Polish guy in charge of carrying the logs and the Chinese guy in charge of supplies. He tells the men he'll be back in a few hours to check on their progress. When he r...

What do you call a pig that's a lumber jack?

Well you call him porkchop

Where does the lumber mill keep their records?

In log books

I like my beers like I like my lumber;

2 by 4:00

What happened to the tree when the lumber jack hit on it?

It got all sappy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lumber Inspector for Hire

A blind guy applies for a job as a lumber inspector at the mill.

The boss, obviously confused, exclaims, "How can you grade wood well being blind?"

The blind guy retorts back saying he has an excellent sense of smell and to "Try it out."

Amused the boss grabs a piece of wood out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lumber yard joke.

The owner of a lumber yard is interviewing people for a job in his lumber yard. He has several applicants that day and none of them are particularly noteworthy until a blind man walks in. Obviously confused the owner says " um, sir how do you propose you are to work in my lumber yard if you can't se...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

A buddy was recently in an accident at the lumber mill, he lost his left entire left arm and leg at about mid thigh...

He just got out of the hospital and is all right now.

I hurt my back while cutting down a tree.

Guess you could say I have lumber problems.

I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators...

But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.

How do lumber theives offload their stolen goods?

They fence it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.

The only other person at the bar is an older man. After a few moments of silence the man turns and says:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor t...

[Long] Rabbi Goldman, World Traveller, comes to a lovely island in the South Pacific.

It's a beautiful place, lush and vibrant, and it's home to a tribe called the Trids. Goldman makes a good impression on them, and they're a very welcoming people already, so it' s not long before they're having a nice cookout to welcome him.

While they're eating, Rabbi Goldman looks inland, a...

A man goes to church to confess his sins....

He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard."

The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad."

"Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nighttime boner?

Slumber Lumber

A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city boy got a job at a lumber camp up in the Great White North . . .

. . . and was noticing how far removed the camp was from the nearest civilization. So he approached his foreman and said, "Hey, we're pretty isolated out here. What do you guys do when you get - y'know - horny?"
The foreman, a burly French Canadian, said, "Come weeth me."
He took the city b...

What does a tree that’s about to fall need?

Lumber Support

Paddy needed a job

Shawn said why not try a lumber jack?
So off he went to the forman.
Paddy he says if you can do 100 trees a day , you're hired.
Off Paddy went, only 10 trees the 1st day.
Forman says, now Paddy, i have guys who can do 100 without breaking a sweat.
Paddy forgoes breakfast and lunch but...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood an...

I just saw someone had set up a little wedding chapel in their front yard.

It had a tasteful little altar, a lattice arch covered in white roses, the whole deal. The only thing I didn't understand was a vertical length of 2x4 lumber, placed in a hole in the ground so it stuck three feet high. Just then, I noticed someone who lived there open the front door and start wal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johan, the ...

I was passing through a local village and decided to take a break from my travels and rest at the inn. Fortunately, the inn was attached to the local pub in which all the locals gathered for evening drinks. After dropping my bags off, I was excited to spend time and get to the know the town folk. As...

A Lumberjack walks into a Magical Forest..

He finds a mighty tree and begins to chop it down. As soon as he starts chopping, the tree yells out "Stop it! I'm a talking tree!" The lumber jack responds, "And you'll dialogue."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.

Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instructi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

Lumberjack

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

Why do houses creak and groan as they settle?

They lack proper lumber support ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very drunk man is in the pub complaining about his current reputation.

A man named Johnny is in the local pub one night and as usual, he is quite drunk. Although he is only talking directly to one of the locals, he is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. He says:

"You see the fucking wall out there, do ya? The fucking wall that fucking stretches from one en...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind quality control guy

This blind guy applies for a job as a quality control guy at a lumber mill. The manager asked how he could possibly do the job blind and the blind guy says "just give me a chance!"

The manager agrees and decides to test the blind guy's abilities. He pulls out a good piece of oak, the blind gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in an empty bar.

The only other person in it besides the barkeep was this old man sitting at the other end. After a few minutes of silence, he looks up and asks me, "Do you know what they call me?"

"No. What do they call you?"

"You see this bar here? Well I built it. Cut the lumber and brought it over ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog walks into a bar...

...and WHAM !! Anyways, a man at the lumber yard accidentally shears off his fingers. He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."The man replies, "I haven't got the fingers."The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? We coul...

Bubba wants to be a Lumberjack

Bubba is a good old boy from Texas who visits Alaska and is amazed at the size of Alaska. He visits a lumber camp and wants to be a Lumberjack he tells the foreman. The boys have a little fun with Bubba and they tell him you have to pass 3 tests. Test one is to chop a hole in the frozen lake and swi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite Halloween joke

So a black man and his wife were invited to a halloween costume party. The man being a very busy person when it came to work tells his wife "Look I need you to buy me a costume for the party since I'm busy with work." She agrees and he goes off to work as usual.

He comes home that night and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Czech Republican, and a Canadian go golfing.

Out of nowhere, an alligator appears and eats the Czech Republican.

The Jew and the Canadian chase the alligator into the woods, and when they finally catch up to it, they see that there are two alligators there; a male and a female.

The Canadian takes out his lumber axe and asks the ...

I can't keep a steady job!

I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn’t hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler fact...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newpaper seller, stands on the edge of a cliff...

he says to himself, "Shit, I'm a newpaper seller, but I haven't got any more papers to sell. Might as well just end it all now." A brick layer overhears him and replies, "Shit, I'm a brick layer, but I haven't got any more bricks to lay, and if you're going to go, I might as well go with you." A lum...

666 is the Number of the Beast

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ol' McGregor's sitting at a pub in Ireland...

A young boy walks in and grabs the stool next to him.
McGregor says, " You know lad, 50 years ago I built this bar top. I carried every piece of lumber in on me back, sanded em, an put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building this bar, and it still stands as strong as it ever d...

Jeb and Jethro

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local

lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks...

A rope walks into a bar...

He asks for a drink. The bartender replies "We don't serve ropes here." The rope leaves. A while later, the rope walks back into the bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender turns the rope away saying the same thing. The rope walks out of the bar, gets himself all twisted up because he's so mad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joseph the bar builder

A man is sitting at a bar, when he notices an older man in the corner staring at him. The older man speaks.

Older man: Do ya see that bar son?

Younger man: Uh... Yes I see it.

Older Man: I built that bar with me own hands. I cut the lumber, I nailed the nails, I polished the p...

A panda walks into a bar...

Panda sits down and starts eating some peanuts out of a dish on the bar. A few minutes later, he pulls out an uzi and starts firing at all the customers. Panda gets up, and lumbers out of the bar.

A few days later, the same panda walks back into the same bar. He sits at the bar and starts hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decides to give up corporate life and move to cabin deep in the woods...

For a few months he lets go of the stress of the big city, chops his own fire wood, grows his own vegetables and enjoys the natural splendor of his surroundings.

Then one day he hears a knock on his cabin door and finds a huge, hairy, gristled old lumber jack standing on his porch.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Medicrane

Once upon a time, there was a small village of not-so-bright people. The village was terrorized by an evil monster known as the Medicrane. Every few days, the Medicrane would lumber into town, muttering under his breath "Medicrane... Medicrane...", and snatch one of the villagers and take them to ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.