UPJOKE
bumpyrockyharshgravellyunpolishedruggeddifficulthardscratchycruderoughlycrackedtoothednotchedunrefined

Rough Jokes

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately,...

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop.

They see a grizzled old-timer having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

I'm not saying I live in a rough area.

But I apply numbing cream every time I leave the house.

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. ..

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rough landing

After a particularly rough, bumpy landing, a pilot made the usual announcement to passengers as they taxied to the terminal, then forgot to turn the mike off. The entire plane heard him say, "After a landing like that I really need a hot coffee and a blow job." As a female flight attendant raced up...

I think I sent my son to a rough school, I asked him what do you use to end a sentence

He said "an appeal".

It's rough I tell ya

My wife tried to tickle my funny bone

I asked why do you keep pointing at my pants

She said that's what I look at when I need a good laugh

I'm not saying I live in a rough area.

But the biggest car park near me is outside the Crown Court

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head?

[Removed]

An old Lithuanian joke (roughly translated)

Two men of which one had a really bad stutter decided to climb mount everest. They set up at the bottom, waved to everyone who came to wish them luck and started climbing... Around 8 hours of exhausting climbing later the one with the stutter goes "I-I-I f-f-f-f" the other one cuts him off and goes ...

She told me she likes it rough

So I proceeded to tell her all about my childhood.

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood

Back then the other kids would attack me with squirty cream and then plant cherries on my head.

Life was tough in the gateaux..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dick has it rough.

Not only are his closest friends nuts, but his neighbor’s an asshole.
And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating.

Cough, Rough, Though, Through.

Why don't these words rhyme, yet pony and bologna do?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

An orphan had a rough year...

He had been adopted three times. The first family had a dog that the boy loved, but the father beat the dog daily. The boy reported the family, and he returned to the foster home. The second family had a loving mother that took care of the boy, but the father beat his wife daily. The boy reported th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 12 years of marriage my sex life was going through a bit of a rough patch

Then she got a wax

Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents

Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She said “I like rough fast sex, make it hurt”

So I came in 2 seconds and hit her in the head with a brick .

My friend Brian is having a rough time of it this Halloween.

He was attacked by dyslexic zombies.

Happy spooky day!

I grew up in a rough part of town...

The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

I never understood why in the game of golf they call it the rough…

And not the foreground

I'm living in a rough neighbourhood...

Some thug tore the front and back pages of my dictionary out!
It just goes from Bad to Worse

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Getting older is rough. This month I only had enough money to get either my Viagra or my Alzheimers medication.

I can't recall which one I chose...

Rough neighbourhood

It's so rough where I'm from. That when the church lights candles for the dead the residents use them to heat their spoons



(did this joke for a charity gig)

2020 was rough...

But a special shout out to dogs who had to experience it seven times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was having really rough sex with my girlfriend the other day and she started bleeding...

And I told her that she'd better get used to it, because in a couple of years she's going to be bleeding every month.

Obama looks rough after the last 8 years in office.

Still better than JFK after 2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once met a man with 5 penises. I said "That must be rough"...and "how does your underwear fit?"

He said "Like a glove!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.



*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

She said that she doesn't like it rough

I don't thrust her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

Not saying my local pub is rough..

but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi.

Rough part of the hood.

I once parked my car with my accordion in the back seat in a rough part of town. I was only gone a few minutes, but when I came back, somebody had smashed my rear windshield and thrown in two more accordions.

What do you do when there's rough turbulence?

Use an air plane!

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

It must be rough being the Unabomber.

Having to constantly explain to people, “Look, I made more than ONE bomb.”

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight got a little rough there...

So we're flying home, and about an hour out from our destination the pilot comes on the intercom and gives us the usual - the temperature at our airport, how we're twenty minutes ahead of schedule, if you look at the window you can see this feature of the landscape, etc. Then he adds,

"... an...

My wife thinks the dog can talk to her and that every bark is a word. My family asked what it was like and I said:

“It’s rough”

I HAD A ROUGH YEAR

It was a tough year, but I made it !!!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
Economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniatu...

I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks...

I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.

I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.

I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I just learned that to proportionally be hung like a horse, a 200 lbs man would need roughly a 4-inch dick.

So that means I only need to lose about 30 lbs and grow another inch, inch-and-a-half...

What do you call a rough Italian neighborhood?

A spaghetto

Trumps first few months in office have been pretty rough.

His all-in-one printer broke down, so he's had to use some alternative fax.

I live in a rough neighborhood

There are lots of gangs here, so it's pretty scary at times.

In fact, my neighbor used to be a blood.

Then he fell off the roof. Now he's a crip.

It's been a really rough year.

Can't wait for 2020.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

forgive me father for i have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a rough time in Vegas last year and ended up losing all my money.

It was time to get back home, but I'd lost so much money, I couldn't afford to pay for a cab to the airport.

When I asked the only cabbie on the strip for a little mercy, and vowed to pay wire him the cash, or to give him the rolex on my wrist, he laughed, and spat in my face.

I did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have sex roughly once a week.

The other six times are much more romantic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is rough when you have a curved penis

It’s even harder to explain why you left a protractor in the bathroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I jerk off roughly once a day.

I try to be a little more loving and gentle the other 2-3.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

Pretty sure it's original, very rough edges type joke. Input welcome.

A man decides to open his own Plant Nursery. After a few months his business starts going under so he goes to apply for a loan
The loan officer goes to the place of business and asks a couple questions
"sir do you have a background in the study of plants?"
"No, I just got this company on a ...

Why Is C++ Such A Rough Language To Learn?

Because it has a bunch of std's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no c...

Which of these two jokes with roughly the same theme is better?

A. A Christian is drowning in the sea. A boat comes up the crew tries to save them, but he says "no, God will save me!" Later another boat comes up and tries to save him again, but he insists that God will save him. Later a third boat comes along. The Christian is wheezing, gasping, almost exhausted...

A rough, hard drinking baseball umpire

was upset because he couldn't get his little boy to sit on his lap and talk to him.

After all, the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

My wife recently asked me to give her a rough massage

But I told her I wouldn't because I didn't want to come across as massagenistic.

Coffee Has a Rough Time At Work.

It gets mugged every single morning! :(

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision

I only had regular vision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had a rough morning.

I woke up and tripped over my wife's bra; it was a booby trap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you have rough sex in an ice cream parlour?

A sore bae.

I used to be a rough-and-tumble bacterium.

But then I got cultured.

What's the difference between a US Dollar and a Russian Ruble?

Roughly 1 USD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After some rough, sweaty sex, my wife said she wanted round 2.

I said, "Come again?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rough and tough cowboy hitches his horse outside a saloon.

Spurs ringing up the stairs, the door swings open and he sits down on a stool. "gimme a beer, bottle of whisky". After he drinks his fair share we walks back out to unhitch his horse. A second later, the swinging doors bust open and a bullet tears through the roof. "All right you sons of bitches! W...

I had it rough growing up. No friends, at all...

It was just me and Black Bart,

My imaginary enemy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Discussing my new-found kink has been rough

It turns out the only thing I am sexually attracted to is final scene from the movie Heat. I've tried to talk to my friends about it



But nobody wants to hear how I came to that conclusion.

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.


“What?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How long does sex last roughly?

Less time than if you were gentle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple with a rough patch go to councelling

A married couple hit a rough patch, so they book to see a relationship counsellor. The counsellor tries a few therapy techniques, but nothing works, it's like talking to two brick walls. Finally, he picks up a bass guitar and starts to play, simple at first, then gradually more and more intricate. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't be so rough on China, they have some legitimate grievances

They've been oppressed by so many nations in the world: the Mongols, the Japanese, the Chinese...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How often do you have sex a month, roughly?

"About ten times"

"And how often gently?"

It's pretty rough on an old man when his semi-annual erection ....

deteriorates into an annual semi-erection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man, black Jews must've had it rough...

They had to sit in the back of the gas chamber.

(I'm so sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a penis is rough

Your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up!

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood...

And my mom would constantly yell at the top of her lungs “get back inside boy, there’s a goddamn junkie heading this way!”

Now that I’m an adult she yells “get back inside you goddam junkie there’s a boy heading this way!”

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

Did you hear about the man who would draw without a rough draft?

Of course not. He disappeared without a trace.

Friend: I'm having a rough year. I have to crush cans for a living.

Me: That's Soda Pressing

My friends say when life gets rough, vodka isn’t the answer

But I say it’s worth a shot.

You know you teach in a rough neighborhood when...

You ask the class what comes after a sentence and they say, "you make an appeal."

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new teacher is assigned to teach geography class in school.

When she enters the classroom, she's horrified by what she sees. The kids are fighting, cursing, throwing chairs, drinking, and smoking.

"Hello class" she says.

"Fuck off, bitch!" the kids shout back.

Crying, the new teacher runs to the principal's office.

The principal...

There are three kingdoms, one on each side of a roughly triangular lake...

One of the kingdoms is marvelous, almost every house build lavishly, the royal castle made of gold, protected by an army of shining, masterful knights. This gold kingdom is the most wealthy of the three.

One of the kingdoms is modestly wealthy, each house built to last and the castle a beauti...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

Elon Musk, Cristiano Ronaldo, a mailman, and the Dalai Lama are in a plane when suddenly they enter some extremely rough turbulence.

The pilot enters the room and says “Bad news, the plane is damaged too bad to fix. We have maybe 5 minutes before we’re going to have to abandon the plane.” Unfortunately, when they grab the parachutes, they see that one of them has an enormous rip through the middle and is unusable, which leaves f...

A young cowboy walks into the saloon in a rough and dusty Western town in Texas.

He sits at the counter, and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chowder.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, do ya mind if I do?”

The older cowb...

Today I turned in my rough draft of a paper on Darwin’s theory.

The teacher said it would be decent with modification.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey and Minnie were going through a rough patch in their relationship.

They felt as though their relationship was on the rocks so they go to marriage counseling.
After some time spent, the counselor asks,
“So you’re upset because Minnie is absurdly silly?”

Mickey: “NO, it’s because she’s fucking Goofy!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

What do you call the rough parts of Paris?

La Ba-ghetto

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you please tell me a rough value of your book collection?

Of course, $4600, you motherfucker

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic because it has been running rough.

The mechanic tells the penguin that he can check it out to see what the problem is but it will take sometime.

The penguin says "okay," and he heads to the soda shop across the street and gets a soft serve.

After about an hour the penguin goes back to the auto shop. He ask the mechani...

Houdini has just finished a magic show and walks backstage, only to be grabbed roughly, knocked out, and tied up.

When he wakes up, he's in an abandoned warehouse, and a man in a ski mask is standing over him, a sheep by his side. The sheep is using its teeth to tie him up with a very strong rope, which confuses him. Houdini smiles, remembering that he can get out of any knot known to man. He tries to untie the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.