UPJOKE
blogjournalautobiographybiographysamuel pepysmemoirwritingauthorwriterpagememoirspublicationexcerptbookalan clark

Diary Jokes

Diary Entries of a Married Couple

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DIARY of a POMMIE EXPAT in AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally...

According to my wife's diary,

I have boundary issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife hides her diary in the bra drawer.

She knows I'll never open it because it's full of booby traps.

Dear diary,

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.

I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious o...

Noah's diary : Day 39.

Unicorn pie is delicious!

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

At least that's what she said in her diary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

They've just found Jeffery Epstein's diary.



His last entry was about twelve years old.

"Your diary is really good," said my wife.

"My thoughts exactly," I replied.

Coronavirus diary: Day two without televised sports.

I found a young lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. She seems nice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a poop diary?

A log log.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diary of a young wife

Monday:


Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.

It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."
Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turn around (Found my 18 year old diary. This is what I wrote in it)

What do you get when you turn wolf around?

Flow.

What do you get when you turn star around?

Rats.

What do you get when you turn shit around?

Dirty hands.

The Coronavirus is somewhat like The Diary of Anne Frank...

... but she had to stay inside to avoid Germans.

Why was the astronaut's diary blank?

It was filled with space.

I read in my girlfriend's diary......

that I have real trust issues!! What a bunch of BS...

What was the last line in Anne Frank's diary?

Just a moment, someone's knocking on the door..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few months ago, my dick suddenly turned red. I have been keeping a diary about it since then.

I call it the Chronicles of Reddick.

My wife thinks I don't respect her boundaries

I was so shocked, I didn't want to read her diary anymore.

Voldemort is like a teenage girl.

He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lead actress in the local theatre production of the "Diary of Anne Frank" was so awful

That in the scene where the Nazi officer enters and shouts

" Where isth she ? "

"In the attic" shouted half of the audience

Why Anne Frank didn't finish her diary

**Concentration problems**

A man writing in his diary:

I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.

[LONG] A book and a diary.

A book and a diary had a fairy tale relationship for the longest time. They were inseparable, got married, and had two baby papers. After that, things went downhill and the married couple started fighting constantly. One day, Book decided to have an affair with Binder. Diary found out and filed for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Diary. Day 8th of the quarantine. I am starting to get seriously concerned...

I started having thoughts of having sex with my own wife!!!

My friend stole my diary a month ago, and suddenly died a few days later.

My thoughts are with his family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found my daughters diary and read it.

So I've been trying to get my daughter to clean up her room for a long while now, all to no avail. So yesterday when she went out, I decided that I would do it.

For the most part it was just typical teenage mess, clothes everywhere, the occasional food wrapper. However when i was cleaning out...

A man's diary entry during rainy days... [crosspost from r/funny]

Dear diary,

It's been raining for two weeks straight now. My wife is looking through the window with great longing and sadness in her eyes. If it keeps raining for another two or three days, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let her get into the house.

“Nothing important happened today”

- personal diary of King George III, 4 July 1776

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mee and my girlfriend wanted to see a series on Netflix...

She told me she wanted to see Vampire Diary, but I wanted to see La Casa De Papel so I told her "Fine, who ever has the biggest penis gets to choose whatever series they want."



So yea Vampire Diary is a nice show after all

Girl's legs

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse.
Suddenly she away, got out of the car and stomped home. That night
she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best frien...

My girlfriend thinks I don’t respect her privacy

That’s what was written in her diary.

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You ...

My wife is mad at me.

Get this, her diary says I have boundary issues.

What’s it called when you are shadow banned by all social media and no one sees your posts?

A diary.

My daughter thinks I’m nosy and controlling.

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

A man has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for over a year and a half

One day, however, one of his friends notices that he seems down.

"Are you okay buddy? You look like something's bugging you."

"Ah, yeah, well, it's this," he says shakily as he hands his friend a diary, which was opened to the latest page. The entry reads
"I'm going to marry her som...

What do you title a book about a Jewish girl brought back to life?

The Diary of Anne Frankenstein

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you use to keep track of your poops?

A diary-ah

My crush thinks I'm a bit too invasive even at school.

That's what she wrote in her diary at her house anyway.

My wife thinks I’m nosey, shameless and have no respect for her privacy.

Honestly, the things she writes about me in her diary are often really mean.

Our daughter said I'm too nosy!

Husband: wow she really said that?
Me: no but I read it in her diary

I was really surprised when my friend said I was nosey....

...because they never mentioned that in their diary

Hey, want a book full of jokes?

Here's a copy of my diary!

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me cause I invade her privacy..

Well, she didn't exactly tell me that. I read it in her diary.

My Neighbor is purified of me

Wait, not purified. Petrified. She's petrified. It's hard to read a diary through these binoculars.

I feel bad for Anne Frank

She had her diary published for all the world to read, which is every girl's worst nightmare!

And she didn't get paid for it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the man character wasn't likeable...

So, yeah, now I have a new hiding place for my diary.

My girlfriend says that I am snoopy.

But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary.

I remember the old days...

When people would get mad if you read their diary. Now they post it online and get mad if you don't read it.

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker

At least that's what I think she wrote in her diary... binoculars are hard to read through

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a notebook where you record information about your poops?

Some people may call it a log journal, while others call it a diary-a.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate confronted me yesterday...

Do you think I'm a nosy bastard?

No! Of course not!

Then why did you write that in your diary!

I went to the races yesterday.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

A captain and a sailor are on a ship.

One day the sailor drinks a bit. The captain notes this down that the sailor was drunk. The sailor pleads him to add that he was drunk but it was only once in eight years or else he may lose his job. The captain declines this saying whatever he has written is the truth.
Next day it is the turn of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

joke time

jeff-hey john

john-yea,whats up jeff

jeff-did u see the directors cut of the diary of anne frank?

john-haha,no i did not know there was such a thing

jeff-well,it has this super hot shower scene

john-oh fuck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

There was a pub quiz last week

And there was a round on Literature. The question was "Name the book where the characters all lived behind a wardrobe". Imagine the disgust when I shouted "The diary of Anne Frank"!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.