Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

A dog is lying on the grass licking his balls...

A guy looks and says to his friend, "I wish I could do that."
His friend says, "You better pet him first. He looks pretty mean."

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I was walking down the street with my friend when we noticed a large Golden Retriever licking its balls

My friend said: What I wouldn’t give give to be able to do that!

I told him…

If I was you, I would pet him first..

Two guys were walking down the road when they came upon a male dog licking his self.

One guy says I wish I could do that and the other guy says you better make sure he’ll let you pet him first...

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

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Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts licking its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"

To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray...

I’ll remember that next time I get lonely.

Two drunks stumble out of a bar

... and see this rough looking big dog sitting outside of the bar and licking his balls.

Drunk 1: "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Drunk 2: "Dunno, Bob... He looks kinda mean. I'd try petting him first"

I heard they found Harry Potter licking packages in the mailroom again...

Parceltongue

Little Johnny is in class one day...

The Teacher says "Okay class I have a math question. There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. If you shoot one of them off, how many are left?"

Little Johnny jumps up with his hand raised and says "NONE... After you fire the first shot, they will all fly away!"

Teacher says "Well, the cor...

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them

My surgeon friends disagreed

Old men on porch

Two old men are setting on a porch, shooting the breeze. In the corner, there is a n old mangy dog licking himself. The younger of the two looks at his friend, “Man, I wish I could do that!” His friend looks at him, shaking his head, “ That dog will bite yoouuu!!!”

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Think you can do better?

A circus came to town, places an ad for an animal trainer in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female. The offer could be for one, so the best performer wins the job.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared because she came to the inter...

One day the teacher asks the class:

“If i threw a rock at the 9 birds sitting on the fence and took 4 of them down. How many birds would there be left?”

The whole class answers five except one student. He says “No Ms. Brown. There would be 0 because the others would fly away.”

Teacher gets impressed and says “I like your...

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A Rather Distasteful Joke

New students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important quali...

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

“I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,

“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”

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My Service Dog

Just left Walmart where a lady asked me what kind of dog i had. I said a GSD service dog. Very rudely she yells what type of service? I said he is a BLD. What's a BLD? She asked as she has her face in my dog's face allowing him to lick her......Now with a straight face I said "He is my butt licking ...

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

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A fox got lost in the jungle.

A fox got lost in the jungle.

The fox noticed that a leopard stalking it. The fox grabbed the bone from the ground, turned his back to the Leopard and just as the leopard was attacking,
the fox spat the bone out of his mouth and said: "Agh, it was a bad-tasting leopard I just killed."...

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks:

-Johnny, there are five birds on a tree. You shoot one, how many are left.

-None, miss. The others will fly away!

-The right answer is four, but i like the way you think.

Johnny goes quiet, and then raises his hand.

-Yes?<...

Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals.

The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”



The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

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Two Englishmen are walking down the road when they see a dog licking it's own testicles

One of Englishmen say

"Golly, I wish I could do that"

The second bloke responds

"That's odd. You don't know him well enough to do it"

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3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me.

I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

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A guy is sitting alone at a restaurant eating his meal

A girl sitting at table next to him starts choking on her food. Everybody starts panicking and nobody is doing anything to help. The guy rushes towards the choking woman and pulls down her pants and starts licking her asshole. The woman is so shocked that she swallows the food stuck in her throat. T...

Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub...

One points to a dog licking its genitals and says:

"Hey Bert, I wish I could do that"

Bert marks a pause, and replies:

"Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"

A woman drags her husband to the doctor,

He's been complaining for weeks about a sore stomach. The doc gives the man a full workover and deduces he is missing a vital enzyme mainly found in dog food. Reluctantly they agree to put him on the pet food diet to save his life.

A week later the doc sees her walking the street and asks how...

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan is giving him the tour and explains he has a choice of 3 rooms in which to receive his eternal punishment.

He opens the door to the first room. It's vast and the man sees billions of people all standing on their heads, eating ice-cream. The man is surprised by the ice cream but shudders...

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(Nsfw) A man sees a woman walking down the street with the nicest boobs he's ever seen.

He stops her and says "I'll give you £100 if you let me gently bite your boobs!"
Disgusted, she slaps him and walks on.
"£300!" He shouts.
She stops but is about to walk on.
"£500. Final offer."
She says ok and they find a quiet spot.
She takes off her top and he starts play...

Licking the frosting

One day a little girl and her mother are riding in the car. The mother is driving past the park and the girl points out a couple under a blanket. The Girl asked her mother what the people under the blanket were doing so the mother replied “They are baking a cake”. Later that night the family is fl...

A man is caught licking the outside of a tavern.

A police officer asks him what he's doing.

"Waitin' to get arrested, officer," he slurs. "If I'm gonna get charged with something, I wanna deserve it."

"What are you talking about?" the officer replies.

"I've been arrested 3 times this month, and I've agreed with the charges of...

A Shiba was licking Tom's ear...

Tom giggled, "Ah, haha, there's a Shiba in me"

Jerry said, "No, there's a Shiba Inu!"

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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

What does a timex and a girlfriend with Tourette’s syndrome have in common?

Both can take a licking and keep on ticking

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

A couple were taking a walk in the park, when they saw this dog licking its balls...

"Hell yeah! I wish I could do that! Says the dude.

"Well" his wife replied, "maybe you should pet him first?".

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

“How to spot a millionaire, am I right? ” he winks and smiles at the bartender

“No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire”

“Okay - so he must be extremely charming?”

“Larry is actually a ma...

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What is the worst part about licking your grandmothers pussy

Hitting your head on the lid of the coffin

Two men are sitting on a park bench

And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking its balls.

The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that."

The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."

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