A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of punch

The bartender says "If you want punch, you'll have to wait in line like everyone else."

So the man looks around the bar, but there is no punchline.

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

Just saw a guy punch a cow in the face

How dairy

Two facts interesting facts about me: 1) I once knocked out a champion boxer with a single punch

2) I'm now banned from Crufts.

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I was having sex the other day, when all of a sudden my wife punched me right in the face.

Imagine my surprise, I didn’t even hear her come home!

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

This joke has no punch line

But you might get a kick out of it

Danny kicked his way to the karate tournament title without throwing a single punch

Turns out he's a master of partial arts

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

Where do you punch mythical horse people?

In the centaur of mass!

If you want this chicken you have to punch me as hard as you can in the face. I won't get mad.

No harm no fowl.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

I punched my boss in the face

Not only did he fired me, i got home and he kicked me out.

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Jokingly punching someone in the balls isn't funny.

Its a dick move

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches

I heard he plays a lot by ear, too

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

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I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

Hayden Christensen got mad and punched an autograph seeker

The Sith really hit the fan!

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I held the door for a Japanese man the other day...

And he said, “sank you.”

So I punched him right in the face.

I can’t believe he’d bring up Pearl Harbor like that.



Happy Pearl Harbor Day!

Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales.

Beg your pardon. Let me read that again...

I love Five Finger Death Punch.

I'll always be their biggest fan from the cradle to the grave.

I got punched twice for making a dadjoke.

Once in India, another in Pakistan.

It was Pun Jab.

I got punched by my X-Box controller for breaking his charging cord.

He was charged with battery.

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

What do you call a potion of enhanced punching?

Imbibe Check

Did you know

That atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no, I did not punch that guy..

I punched a hole in my office wall today.

Don't understand why everyone else at the international space station is freaking out.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What is a bully’s favorite type of joke?

One with a punch line.

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

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Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law

My wife said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough"

A guy threatened me to punch me in the face.

Apparently, I shouldn't have replied "You wouldn't do that to the father of your half-brother, would you?"

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So my friend brought me to an amusement park...

...and we got onto one of the rides. It was one of those really whirly ones, and afterward we got off and I wanted to throw up. My friend got me a bag to throw up in.

After that, I started feeling dizzy. I told him, and he thought it may have been dehydration. We went to get drinks.

T...

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A man comes home from a formal party with two black eyes

His roommate looks at him surprised and asks him how on earth it happened.

The man says there was a beautiful young woman wearing a formal gown at the party, and he noticed that her dress was riding up the crack of her butt.

"Obviously", he said, "that's embarrassing and I don't want ...

Mike Tyson is a religious guy.

He punches people in the faith.

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

So this guy asks the girl of his dreams to be his date for the prom and she says “Yes.”

So the guy is very ecstatic and wants to make a great impression...

So he goes to the flower shop to buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a corsage but the line is very long and he has to wait over an hour to buy the flowers. But he wants to make a good impression so he waits and gets the f...

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

You cross this line and I'll punch you in the face.

I guess that's the punchline.

What is it called when Captain America punches The Hulk in the face?

A "Star-spangled Banner"

If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you strong or weak?

Neither, you're an idiot.

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

"Bam! Kapow! Smash! Punch!"

**Batman:** those are fighting words

Did you hear the joke about the empty bar that served Sangria?

There was no punch line.

A guy and a girl are going to prom together.

She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her.

She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is ver...

If you are wondering how Trump got almost half the votes.

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”




Thank you George Carlin's for the punch line

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

I punched the Mailman the other day

He had the audacity to tell me I had a small package

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries ...

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lio...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown

but the punch line is too long.

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I wear a mask and run around punching women in their breasts.

It’s my secret I dent titties.

What happens when you punch sound?

It megahertz.

I went to a comedy class recently to work on my stand-up

I’ve been going there for about a month now and the people are great and I’ve been having a good time, but recently I’ve been kicked out.

You see in this comedy club they have a drink and snacks table, I wasn’t that hungry but I was thirsty so I go to the punch but there was a long line.
...

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My butt crack is like an iceberg...

90% of it is below see-level.

Whats a punch that can kill 26 people?

A Sandy Hook

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It was weeks leading up to my prom, I didn’t have a date yet...

So I asked this girl in my class to go with me, and I knew I had to pull out all the stops.

I wanted to buy her flowers and chocolates when I asked her, so I went to the florist but when I got there there was a 15 minute line that I had to wait. I thought ‘Thats fine, it’s prom season’. I wai...

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

What's the best part about arriving late to a suicide party?

There's no punch line.

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

What do call a lion that likes to punch?

A punch lion. Too bad this joke doesn't have one.

Your brother keeps punching you all the time...

One day, you've decided that enough is enough, and you're drawing a line between you and him.



You call it a punchline.

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A man gets on an airplane with a black eye...

Soon another man sits down next to him with a black eye. The first man says, "Hello this is kind of strange, but I noticed you have a black eye too...how did you get it?"

The other guy says , "Well it's kind of a tongue twister...I was standing in line to get my ticket and the girl at the de...

Can anyone suggest a joke where <silence> is the punch? I have one...

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

A boxer loses both of his arms

This joke doesn’t have a punch line anymore

A rabbit walks into a pharmacy

And asks "Do you sell carrots?"

The pharmacist, surprised, responds "No, this is a pharmacy."

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds "As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store."

Again, the rabbit leaves and r...

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

A Pinoy dies and goes to hell...

A Pinoy (Filipino) dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the...

How do you hit A minor on the piano?

You punch them

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A 8 year old girl walks up to her mother

Girl: "Ma what balls can you not play with?"
Mother: "What do you mean?"
Girl: "I will give you a hint. It is attached to the body but you cannot kick them or punch them."
Mother: Looks around and sweats nervously, "The balls attached to a penis?"
Girl: "No ma eyeballs!"

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

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