UPJOKE
jabbiffsucker punchhitblowuppercutknockpokelickperforateplugslughookpiercefisticuffs

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

Why should you never punch a mall Santa?

Idk, security wouldnโ€™t tell me

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

A sports store is showing off their new punching bags by having a contest to see who can hit them the hardest.

While everyone is waiting for their turn, St. Peter turns to a drunk and says, "I think I'm in the wrong joke."

The drunk replies, "Nope. Just the wrong punch line."

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

A guy punches a kid in the face.

This resulted in a "minor" injury.

A man walks into a bar and there is a line of people waiting to punch him

That's the punch line.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

What happened when the teddy bear got punched?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

No one delivers a punch line like Will Smith.

No one receives a punch like Chris Rock.

"Battle. Attack. Skirmish. Melee. War. Punch."

"Them's ***fightin'*** words, pardner!"

:-)

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I almost punched my doctor

When I told him I had abdominal pain he said I was full of shit.

Turns out I am badly constipated.

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

I answered my front door this morning and was punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle.

That must have been the nasty bug that's going around.

Any jokes you know the punch line to but not the set-up? I'll start. From the 1959 film Some Like it Hot:

"So the one-legged jockey says, 'don't mind me baby, I ride side-saddle!'"

I laugh every time even though I don't know the set-up. Anybody know the set-up, or any similar jokes?

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. Iโ€™d like to suggest that Redditโ€™s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

I lost my watch at a party once... An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Sal the boxing promoter gets a call Saturday morning of fight night

โ€œHey boss, itโ€™s Joe at the gym. Big Frankโ€™s had an accident and broke his thumb. He canโ€™t fight for a monthโ€
Sal goes into a melt down. Big Frank was his heavyweight prospect and the headline of that nights card in the Big Apple. Faced with refunding the tickets he gets on the phone to all the ot...

Cultural appropriation makes me want to punch someone

But I can't because I'm not Irish

I heard weโ€™re telling bad jokes, so hereโ€™s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

Who's the greatest boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, he knocked out 900 people with one punch.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I got punched in the temple yesterday

But it was my fault. I shouldn't have called the Rabbi a cunt

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I was at a party where everyone was lined up to get punch. I thought about making a joke, but I just sucked their dicks instead.

I always blow the punchline.

I punched a mailman yesterday.

He said I had a small package.

A man was arrested for punching a librarian today.

I hope they throw the book at him.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary

After the party had ended, the wife walked over to the husband, punched him in the arm and said "That's for twenty-five years of bad sex!"

The husband hesitated a moment, then walked over to his wife, punched her in the arm and said "That's for knowing the difference!"

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

If you ever get bored, punch an orphan.

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

If someone hates you for no reason, punch them in the face.

Now they will hate you for a reason.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

Yet again I bought a beetroot that punches avocados.

Back with another one of those guac clockin' beets.

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

We all know that punching bag arcade game where you try to punch the bag the hardest.

So, I was standing in line to take my turn at the game. When I suddenly realized what a douche I am, putting myself in the punchline of my own joke.

My boyfriend just punched my doctor in the face

โ€˜Youโ€™re a disgusting pervert , Iโ€™ll be reporting you to your boss for what you just told my girlfriend!โ€™

โ€˜Babe calm down - he said acute angina!โ€™

A kid is getting ready for prom.

He goes to a boutique to buy a suit, and after he finds one he likes, he realizes that the line is very long. He really likes the suit, though, so he waits for a while and then leaves with his purchase. Next, he goes to a flower shop to get his date a bouquet, and the line there is very long as well...

Iโ€™ve been wondering why it is called a punch line towards the end of jokes...

And then it hit me

What do The Titanic and The 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

Why are there so few Jim Jones jokes?

Because the punch line would be too long.

I apologize in advance.

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

I was at a seance and the spiritualist kept giggling, so I punched him.

My mother always told me to strike a happy medium.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I walked in the pub with my gorgeous fiance .

Barman said " Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

"I met her in Thailand," I replied. "We're due to get married next month."

"You don't want to get married," he laughed . "That's when the blowjobs stop."

"I don't mind that," I replied. "I h...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

Lining up for Drinks at the Party.

Two friends decide to throw a party to celebrate them getting their new flat and invite everyone they know. One of them prepares a huge bowl of punch for everyone and the other brings a soda fountain that he just bought.

The party rolls around and everyone is enjoying themselves; all of them...

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says โ€œHey, you my dad?โ€. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the babyโ€™s head pops out, โ€œHey, you my dad!?โ€ The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wifeโ€™s legs. The b...

Thirsty teen takes his hot blonde date to prom

Walks into the school gym and is pleasantly surprised to find no punch line.

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

A boy asks a girl to prom

A boy asks a girl to prom and she says yes.
He wants to looks nice so he heads to the suit store. As there's a lot of prom goers shopping, there's a long suit line.
The boy waits in the line, buys the suit and and leaves to go rent a car.
As there's a lot of prom goers here as well, there'...

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

one day two lions was bored

lion one: i know what we will do, lets go beat the rabbit.
The second lion was a little more conscientious so he said: but we need at least a Cause to do this.
so the first lion told him: i know, if the rabbit will wear a hat, we will ask him why is he wearing a hat, if he don't wear a hat we ...

Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Three people reach the Pearly Gate at the same time, where they are told a very simple rule right at the beginning: DO NOT STEP ON DOGS! As a punishment, ugliness or stupidity awaits you.

"That should be easy", the three think to themselves, but when they pass the gate, they see that dogs are lying around everywhere.

The first one sees a heavenly hammock in the distance and carefully tries to reach it. But after only a few steps he steps on a small dog. He reaches the hammock ...

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit

Why do thirsty people tell jokes?

To get to the punch line

A young boy finally works up the courage to ask a girl to prom...

She says yes, to his surprise and he starts to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them.

First, he decides he needs to rent a tuxedo. He finds a local shop that does rentals, since he doesn't want to buy one. The line at the clothing store is almost out the door....

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I was having sex the other day, when all of a sudden my wife punched me right in the face.

Imagine my surprise, I didnโ€™t even hear her come home!

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke!

edit: Thanks guys for some hilarious jokes! Keep 'em coming. I wanted to let you know that I've messaged the mods about this thread. Maybe it could be a weekly thread? Who knows.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Jokingly punching someone in the balls isn't funny.

Its a dick move

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

Just saw a guy punch a cow in the face

How dairy

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

I missed work today because I pulled a groin

Not mine - someone elseโ€™s. He punched me and now I have a bloody nose.

Three men walk into a barโ€ฆ

They have no money, so the bartender makes a deal with them:
โ€œI hear that the punch served at that party over there is really good, go get me some, and your drinks are free.โ€
So one guy goes over and gets the punch. When he returns, the bartender is a bit surprised.
โ€œWell that was fastโ€
...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two dudes with matching black eyes...

Two dudes with matching black eyes spot each other in a bar.

One man approaches the other and says, "I'll tell you my story if you tell me yours. How'd you get the black eye?"

The man responds, "It was a terrible mistake, really. I was trying to take the train to Pittsburgh this morni...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A premise, a set-up and a punchline walk into a barโ€ฆ

The set-up spent most of the night with the premise, but ended up fucking the punchline.

I went to a hedge fund manager's work to punch him in the face

And order a McDouble

German Joke from the 1910's

My grandfather told me this joke in the 1960's, when I was a kid. He had heard it when he was a kid in the 1910's (he was born in 1904), in Hungary:

Some boys were walking to school in the morning, and on the way they passed a plum tree. There were plums all over the ground under the tree, s...

Danny kicked his way to the karate tournament title without throwing a single punch

Turns out he's a master of partial arts

Whatโ€™s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.
The other is slugging a bug

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