UPJOKE
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For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

You put the punch line in the title

How do you ruin a good joke on Reddit?

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

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A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of...

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A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy or sitting in the bar when all of a sudden the Jewish guy walks over and punches the Chinese guy in the face.

"What the hell, man?"
"That was for Pearl harbor, asshole."
"That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese, Chinese, same thing."
The Jewish guy shrugged his shoulders and sat back down to his beer.

A few minutes ago by, when the Chinese guy walks over and punches the Jewish guy ...

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I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

What packs a punch in your pants?

Boxers.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

If you see someone drinking a Sierra Mist, punch them straight in the face...

...that's the first rule of Sprite Club.

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of the said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
...

Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke!

edit: Thanks guys for some hilarious jokes! Keep 'em coming. I wanted to let you know that I've messaged the mods about this thread. Maybe it could be a weekly thread? Who knows.

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This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

When is the only time its okay to punch a little person?

If they tell you "your hair smells nice".

I answered my front door this morning and got punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle!

Obviously, there's a nasty bug going around…

Hot girl at prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually get...

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just se...

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I pissed off some people and they started taking turns to punch me in the face...

That's it. That's the punch line.

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At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...

So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."


This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it...

Davinath the Indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM.

On the dot.

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If you punch your own balls and it hurts, does that make you strong or weak?

Stupid, it makes you stupid

Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones?

Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.

I punched a mailman yesterday.

He said I had a small package.

“Hey, do you care if I punch myself in the face?” “No, not at all…

…knock yourself out.”

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

"Battle. Attack. Skirmish. Melee. War. Punch."

"Them's ***fightin'*** words, pardner!"

:-)

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I almost punched my doctor

When I told him I had abdominal pain he said I was full of shit.

Turns out I am badly constipated.

Getting punch at a party.

A drunk stumbles into a party and gets in line to grab a drink from the punchbowl. Upon reaching the terminus, he spills the entire bowl all over the table and those closest to him in line. A bouncer seizes him by the scuff of the neck and angrily declares: "Look what you've done! You've screwed up ...

A guy punches a kid in the face.

This resulted in a "minor" injury.

Cultural appropriation makes me want to punch someone

But I can't because I'm not Irish

No one delivers a punch line like Will Smith.

No one receives a punch like Chris Rock.

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

We all know that punching bag arcade game where you try to punch the bag the hardest.

So, I was standing in line to take my turn at the game. When I suddenly realized what a douche I am, putting myself in the punchline of my own joke.

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What did Richard Spencer say when he got punched during an interview?

I did nazi that coming!

I Punch Women Like I Punch Walls

I don't. Because it's a really bad idea... I always end up injured.

What happened when the teddy bear got punched?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

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I got punched in the temple yesterday

But it was my fault. I shouldn't have called the Rabbi a cunt

The 'punch' line

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carryin...

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Jokingly punching someone in the balls isn't funny.

Its a dick move

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

A guy and a girl are going to prom together.

She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her.

She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is ver...

So, apparently Rand Paul was sucker punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was sucker punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who fai...

If someone hates you for no reason, punch them in the face.

Now they will hate you for a reason.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

Yet again I bought a beetroot that punches avocados.

Back with another one of those guac clockin' beets.

My boyfriend just punched my doctor in the face

‘You’re a disgusting pervert , I’ll be reporting you to your boss for what you just told my girlfriend!’

‘Babe calm down - he said acute angina!’

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A 1-2-3 punch of cow jokes

**What do you call a cow with 2 legs?**

*Lean beef.*

**What do you call a cow with no legs?**

*Ground beef.*

**What do you call a masturbating cow?**

*Beef strokinoff.*

Where do you punch mythical horse people?

In the centaur of mass!

A man was arrested for punching a librarian today.

I hope they throw the book at him.

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

I love Five Finger Death Punch.

I'll always be their biggest fan from the cradle to the grave.

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Punch line first

Years ago this radio station was having a contest about the best punch line.
Everyone was calling in telling a jokes punchline first and whoever had the best punchline won a prize and got to tell their joke on the air.

So all these random punchlines where called in about the rabbi said t...

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Three guys die and go to hell...

When they get there they meet the devil, who tells them there's a way to get to heaven. The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete, in whatever order they want, to go to heaven.

Door 1 is a room with 10 virgin ladies, the task is to make them all orgasm in ...

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I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

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A Korean man and a Jewish man are in a bar, total strangers to one another.

The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face.

Naturally, the Korean man goes "What was that for?"

The Jewish man responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese," says the Korean man.

"Ah, Korean,...

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law.

My neighbour said ‘Well, are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Just saw a guy punch a cow in the face

How dairy

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Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

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Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuckline.

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

A sports store is showing off their new punching bags by having a contest to see who can hit them the hardest.

While everyone is waiting for their turn, St. Peter turns to a drunk and says, "I think I'm in the wrong joke."

The drunk replies, "Nope. Just the wrong punch line."

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Punch lines

This is my campaign to reduce re-posting. I'm going to spoil as many often-reposted jokes as I can by posting the punch lines here. Please feel free to help me out.

Ha! I'm the bus driver!

I already have a cat.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day...

(OC) What do you call Helen Keller punching someone?

Senseless violence.

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

Whats a punch that can kill 26 people?

A Sandy Hook

Punch lines are extremely one-dimensional

Punch areas and punch volumes have more depth.

I’ve been wondering why it is called a punch line towards the end of jokes...

And then it hit me

Hayden Christensen got mad and punched an autograph seeker

The Sith really hit the fan!

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

I was at a seance and the spiritualist kept giggling, so I punched him.

My mother always told me to strike a happy medium.

I got punched twice for making a dadjoke.

Once in India, another in Pakistan.

It was Pun Jab.

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

Needed to punch another hole in my belt.

I gave it my awl.

A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

"If you cross this line, I'll punch you in the face."

Obviously, he was talking about the punchline.

What kind of punch takes out 20 kids and 6 adults?

A sandy hook

Punch

A guy and his girlfriend are getting ready for prom, by searching the Internet for the perfect dress and suit. Finally, on the day of the prom, they are satisfied. They drive downtown to buy their new clothes. Unfortunately, many of their classmates also waited until the last minute, and there is to...

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I went to a hedge fund manager's work to punch him in the face

And order a McDouble

What's worse than punching a baby?

Punching a dead baby

Danny kicked his way to the karate tournament title without throwing a single punch

Turns out he's a master of partial arts

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

Can anyone suggest a joke where <silence> is the punch? I have one...

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

I punched a hole in my office wall today.

Don't understand why everyone else at the international space station is freaking out.

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Why did Na punch Cl?

Because he made him salty

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

What do you and a punch bowl have in common?

You’re both full of red liquid

Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales.

Beg your pardon. Let me read that again...

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Not russian to the punch line on this one.

Three friends, Vick, Tom, and John, are having a discussion on ancestry.

Vick says, "I just found out my great great grandfather was part of a Democratic party in Russia in the early 1900s, and helped form an alliance with the Jewish Bund."

Tom says, "Bolshevik?"

Vick replies, "...

I googled punches

I got 1 476 385 hits

What kind of punch does a boxer dog throw?

A puppercut!

What’s it called when you punch a dwarf

A low blow

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I was having sex the other day, when all of a sudden my wife punched me right in the face.

Imagine my surprise, I didn’t even hear her come home!

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