A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch

The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.”
The guy looks around but there is no punch line

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

Whats a punch that can kill 26 people?

A Sandy Hook

What happens when you punch sound?

It megahertz.

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

I punched the Mailman the other day

He had the audacity to tell me I had a small package

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

Ever get punched in the face by someone wearing a ring?

It leaves a lasting impression

I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

First thing every morning I punch a brick wall as hard as I can

Because your best days start with break fist.

Punched someone in the face dressed as the Duracell Bunny

Got charged with battery

What’s it called when you punch a dwarf

A low blow

I’m all for punching not-sees.

Blind people weaken the race.

What's worse than punching a baby?

Punching a dead baby

Can anyone suggest a joke where <silence> is the punch? I have one...

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and sees that the line is so long it's coming out the front door. He gets in line anyway and eventually gets the flowers.

Then he...

What do call a lion that likes to punch?

A punch lion. Too bad this joke doesn't have one.

My friend punches me whenever I refuse to smoke weed with him

He’s given me blunt force trauma

What kind of punch does a boxer dog throw?

A puppercut!

A dad is lost in the Dad Joke Hall of Fame...

He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer,

"Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"

My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......





yeah its bad..

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Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuck line

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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If Saitama from One Punch Man was from Hawaii instead of Japan

Would his name be Hawaiian Punch?

What did the megabyte say to the kilobyte when he punched him 1 million times?

That giga-hurts!

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

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A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.

The old man said "We have vi...

What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

One Inch Punch

What kind of punch takes out 20 kids and 6 adults?

A sandy hook

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I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.

As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that".

He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".

Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One...

The punch line comes first

I have an idea for a time travel joke where

Q.What to do when people hate you for no reason?

Ans: punch them in the face.....now they will hate you for a reason.........better right?

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

There's a reason people don't make jokes about the Jonestown massacre!

The punch line is too long.

What do you and a punch bowl have in common?

You’re both full of red liquid

Needed to punch another hole in my belt.

I gave it my awl.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are captured by an evil wizard

The wizard gives them three tasks, if they complete the tasks they are free.
1. Drink a gallon of beer
2. Go to a bear cave and punch the bear
3. Fuck a 100 year old nun

The Englishman goes first.
He starts drinking but soon he faints

The Scotsman drinks the beer and goes...

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

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So a guy is having drinks at a bar .....

After a while he looks over and sees a huge jar stuffed to the brim with 20 dollar bills. He asks the bar tender " hey whats with the jar? Theres gotta be at least 4 grand in there?" to which the bar tender replies " oh, you wouldn't wanna know. Its just a running bet" The guy says " try me. I love ...

A man walks into a hotel lobby...

...where several people are decorating for a prom. He sees a group of people gathered at a table. Approaching, he asks "Excuse me, is this the setup". "No", comes the response, "this is the punch line".

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

I saw this guy in line for a cruise ship

And the security guard asks for his ticket. The guy starts trying to bluff his way past the security guard, saying that he just had it a moment ago and it must be on the ship, all the usual excuses. Well, the security guard was not having any of it, and the guy starts to get aggressive. Next thing I...

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

I had to get kicked in the face today.

I was too late and I missed the punch line.

Do all three and get the money

A guy goes into a bar and sees a huge jar filled to the top with money. He asks the bar tender what's with the jar of money?

The bar tender says if you want that money you have to knock out the huge dude at the end of the bar, go back in the alley and pull the sore tooth out of the junkyard...

The two friends and Hooters

Two men, Kyle and Irish, grew up together, but after college Kyle moved to Maryland and Irish to Texas. They agreed to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they met, finished their round of golf and headed for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"...

It's a long one so please bare with me...

Homecoming is coming up soon, and a boy has been meaning to ask his crush to go with him, but has been pushing it back because of fear. He wants to go with her so finally, at the end of the day he builds up the courage to ask her. He approaches her standing in front of her locker and asks her the q...

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

The 'punch' line

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carryin...

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

My dog kept growling at my girlfriend's toddler when he would punch him or pull his fur. It broke my heart to get rid of him

But now the problem is keeping the dog from digging him up.

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

I once heard a joke about a party with amazing drinks.

I forgot most of it, but I remember that there was a really long punch line.

Doctor: Does it hurt?

Woman: Yes...

Doctor: Go vaccinate your kid or I will punch you again.

Request for dirty joke story

Hi everyone. In 12 hours I need to have a good dirty joke but in a story version with a punch line. I know it seems random but was hoping reddit can help. Thanks

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There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

What do men with erectile dysfunction and the punch line of an anti-joke have in common?

They never come

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

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One time in first grade at recess...

I went up to this girl I liked in my class and started talking to her. This lil asshole kid came up and loudly exclaimed "shes MY girlfriend" I was mad so I punched him as hard as I could in the nose. Blood and tears everywhere. In an act of passion I kissed the girl and the other teachers freaked o...

Who’s a better boxer, Jim Jones or Mike Tyson?

Jim Jones, he knocked out over 900 people with just one punch

What do a non-newtonian fluid and a massochist have in common?

They get hard when you punch them

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

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A guy walks into a bar

He is drinking, minding his own business, when he sees a huge jar with a bunch of cash in it behind the bar. He asks the bartender, what's that all about? Bartender says, oh that's for anyone that can complete 3 things that are hard to do. The guy is now pretty drunk, feeling bold, and asks what the...

After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

I was using Spotify and they have this killer punch line:

Congratulations,






you just discovered a premium feature. Pay to see more!

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A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit

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I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

The Submarine Party

To boost morale, a submarine captain decides to hold a party for the seamen while underwater. Given the tight space, they setup various areas throughout the boat to serve the crew. Despite the long lines at each area, the party is going well, with everyone happily eating and drinking.

About m...

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I held the door open for a japanese dude today

He said “sank you”

So I punched him in the fucking face, its not cool to bring up pearl harbor like that.

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Punch line first

Years ago this radio station was having a contest about the best punch line.
Everyone was calling in telling a jokes punchline first and whoever had the best punchline won a prize and got to tell their joke on the air.

So all these random punchlines where called in about the rabbi said t...

There's no more punch in the fruit bowl.

And no punchline.

The Cheerio Story

They call it... the Cheerio Story

So there's this Cheerio walking down the street one day when he finds a magic lamp. He gives it a rub, and a genie popa out and says
> Mortal Cheerio, for freeing me from my prison, I shall grant you three wishes.

The cheerio thinks on this... an...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

what did the cult leader replace his punch with to be more fall festive

sui-cider

I Punch Women Like I Punch Walls

I don't. Because it's a really bad idea... I always end up injured.

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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He th...

I punched a fortune teller for smiling at me...

I always like to strike a happy medium.

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