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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

The punch line to this joke is a no-brainer.

What do you call a girl that doesn’t give head?

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of punch

The bartender says "If you want punch, you'll have to wait in line like everyone else."

So the man looks around the bar, but there is no punchline.

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

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I was at a party where everyone was lined up to get punch. I thought about making a joke, but I just sucked their dicks instead.

I always blow the punchline.

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

If someone hates you for no reason, punch them in the face.

Now they will hate you for a reason.

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

If you ever get bored, punch an orphan.

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

I was at a seance and the spiritualist kept giggling, so I punched him.

My mother always told me to strike a happy medium.

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My girlfriend just punched me in the balls

Not what I meant when I said “time to hit the sack.”

I punched a mailman yesterday.

He said I had a small package.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.
The other is slugging a bug

I went to a hedge fund manager's work to punch him in the face

And order a McDouble

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that ...

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to prom.

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flower...

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

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Two frat guys are stranded in the middle of the ocean

Brad and Chad have been stuck in a lifeboat for weeks. They're out of water and supplies, and they're sure they're doomed.

They notice a sealed bottle bobbing toward their boat and scoop it out of the water. They open it up, and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me!" the genie s...

Just saw a guy punch a cow in the face

How dairy

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

A man came walking up to me with two peg legs, so I punched him in the face.

I’m lack toes intolerant.

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Three drunk men entered a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, and they didn’t give him the destination they wanted so he decided not to drive but instead he wanted to play a trick on them by turning on the engine and staying there for a moment.

A while after doing so, the taxi driver turned the engine off and t...

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Neil the trucker

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes:

"I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel."

And he sings this every five minutes.



At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the h...

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

A man saw a line of people getting punched. When he investigated...

The puncher said, “this is the punch line.”

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I was having sex the other day, when all of a sudden my wife punched me right in the face.

Imagine my surprise, I didn’t even hear her come home!

One eyed guy goes fishing without any word or notice to his wife. Has a great trip, comes home sunburnt with a cooler full of fish fillets. Wife meets him at the door, screaming, "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR TWO DAYS?!". Guy answers without thinking, "That'd be freakin' GREAT!".

So the rest of that night, he doesn't see her. Next day, doesn't see her. Third day? He finally sees her.

She says "So, smart ass? How was that?"

.

.

.

He says, "Punch me again, it was better when I was all swollen and couldn't see you."

Danny kicked his way to the karate tournament title without throwing a single punch

Turns out he's a master of partial arts

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

We threw a house party that ended badly last night, after the wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.

The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.

A smoking room in a big tech corporation

A smoking room in a big tech corporation (because the equipment is so fragile and sensitive that smoking is not allowed nearby). A lot of smoke and talk - circuits, chips, boards, punch cards and so on.

Then a young technician suddenly says, "Why we're always talking about tech things only? W...

It was cold and pouring with rain, but the boy's mother insisted he go to the barn and feed the animals before he could have breakfast.

The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.

When he got back inside his mother was furious.

"How dare you!" she fumed. "I saw what you did! You get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow ...

A man finally gets the girl of his dreams

After she yes to dating him, he’s so ecstatic he takes her to the mall to go shopping. And after a few minutes of shopping, he notices the line for the cashier stretched long, around the mall. But he’s too excited to care for long.

Next his girlfriend suggests lunch, which both are quite hung...

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Three babies

So there's three babies in the womb. At some point Baby 1 asks a question


Baby 1: So what are you guys going to do when you get out of here? I'm going to be a plumber to fix the plumbing of this place because there's water everywhere!


Baby 2: Well I will become an electrici...

Where do you punch mythical horse people?

In the centaur of mass!

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I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

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A Chinese and a jew sit next to each other in a bar. Out of nowhere, the jew slaps the Chinese across the face.

The Chinese goes: "What the fuck was that about?"

The jew responds: "That was for Pearl Harbor"

The Chinese: "Wait, I am from China."

The jew: "Japanese, Chinese, all the same."

After a while the Chinese punches the jew in the face and says: "That! Was for the Titanic."<...

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Jokingly punching someone in the balls isn't funny.

Its a dick move

Two facts interesting facts about me: 1) I once knocked out a champion boxer with a single punch

2) I'm now banned from Crufts.

Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

Why did the Albino pig have bad breath?

He has no Pig mints.

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

If you want this chicken you have to punch me as hard as you can in the face. I won't get mad.

No harm no fowl.

Speaking of loft insulation

I had a man ring the bell the other day and ask if I was interested in getting felt up in the attic, so I punched him in the face and slammed the door.

A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down.

Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

I love Five Finger Death Punch.

I'll always be their biggest fan from the cradle to the grave.

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice

a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..

Hayden Christensen got mad and punched an autograph seeker

The Sith really hit the fan!

Know why dad jokes are obvious?

The punch line is apparent.

Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches

I heard he plays a lot by ear, too

I punched my boss in the face

Not only did he fired me, i got home and he kicked me out.

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

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No good deed goes unpunished

I ran into a friend of mine who looked roughed up, with a shiner and an arm in a cast. I was aghast and asked him what happened.

He: “Dude, don’t ask. I was on the bus, minding my own business, when the gal sitting next to me stood up as her stop was approaching, and I noticed her skirt wa...

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

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I saw a kid punching another kid on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastard didn’t stand a chance…

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A nazi walks into a bar

Everyone stands up, form a line and punch him.

Another person walks into the same bar and asks "whats the line for?". Then someone reply"thats the punch-line"

Why doesn’t Chuck Norris tell jokes?

His punch lines are deadly.

What do you call a potion of enhanced punching?

Imbibe Check

I got punched by my X-Box controller for breaking his charging cord.

He was charged with battery.

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

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A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit

Surfer saves shark by punching wife in New South Wales.

Beg your pardon. Let me read that again...

A guy threatened me to punch me in the face.

Apparently, I shouldn't have replied "You wouldn't do that to the father of your half-brother, would you?"

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

I got punched twice for making a dadjoke.

Once in India, another in Pakistan.

It was Pun Jab.

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A guy walks into a bar with two black eyes after a church service.

His friend ask "Dale, what the hell happened to your face?"

"When the lady sitting in front of me stood up to sing the hymns, I noticed her dress was clutched between her butt cheeks, so, being poIite I pulled it out, she turned around and punched me in the eye."

"Well, how did you get...

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

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Some workers were building a house in the middle of the summer

Suddenly one of them stops and says to the others:

-Hey, why the fuck are we working and sweating under the hot sun and our boss just sits under that tree and does nothing?

Other worker also stops and says:

-You're right, he just sits there and looks at us

A third worker ...

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

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The Devil’s Deal

There were three guys- a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic. They went to hell for their sin and were standing in front of the devil.

The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with for a 1000 years with your temptations and if you get over your sins I will send y...

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Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

Edumacation is important

Two guys are digging a hole in the blistering heat, while their foreman is sitting 20 ft away under a tree, in the shade.

One of the guys turns to the other and says “hey, why are we out here digging these holes and doing all the work all day, while he gets to just sit there in the shade and...

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law

My wife said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough"

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I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

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Pet Alligator

A man walks into a bar with a live alligator under his arms. Dumps the animal on the bar counter and asks for a beer. The bartender almost shits his pants and shouts: "What the hell is wrong with you, get that thing out of here!!"

Man: "Don't worry, I tamed my pet gator very well and he won't...

I punched a hole in my office wall today.

Don't understand why everyone else at the international space station is freaking out.

Can anyone suggest a joke where <silence> is the punch? I have one...

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke!

edit: Thanks guys for some hilarious jokes! Keep 'em coming. I wanted to let you know that I've messaged the mods about this thread. Maybe it could be a weekly thread? Who knows.

You cross this line and I'll punch you in the face.

I guess that's the punchline.

If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you strong or weak?

Neither, you're an idiot.

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A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to

A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to do a number 2. The best alternative he could think of was to do it on a bedsheet, grab the bedsheet and get rid of everything by throwing it out the window. It fell on a drunk man who was sleeping under his window. He woke up startled and he starte...

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

"Bam! Kapow! Smash! Punch!"

**Batman:** those are fighting words

Whats a punch that can kill 26 people?

A Sandy Hook

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

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