The 31+ Best Punch Jokes

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually...

What packs a punch in your pants?

Boxers.

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones?

Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.

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Guy walks into a very crowded bar

The bar has long line so he gets in the line and waits and waits and waits. After finally being served he orders a bottle of Whiskey and leaves the line. After drinking the whole bottle of whiskey he gets a light headache and thinks water is a good idea. But there is a long line to get water. He get...

I tried to tell a homeless person a knock knock joke...

Punch line unnecessary.

Frank wanted to be remembered.

A group of older veterans had all gotten together after not seeing one another for many years. When they met up they all learned that one of their buddies had passed away right before the get together was scheduled and his wife showed up with his ashes and her husbands request for all the guys. <...

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of the said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
...

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One time I was at a party and noticed a large group of people patiently waiting their turn to fill their cups with some sort of fruit juice cocktail. Gesturing towards the gathering, I asked one of them "What is this?"

"This is the punch line"

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Every time I introduce myself, people get mad

I introduced myself to my teacher, and I got suspended. I introduced myself to a pretty girl, and she told me to fuck off. I introduced myself to my neighbor, and he punched me. Maybe there's somebody else named "Yorick Hunt" with a bad reputation out there.

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

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Warning... dirty joke

A man and his friend are in a bar enjoying some drinks.

A gorilla is also drinking in the bar.

One man walks over to the gorilla and punches it in the face, and the gorilla gives him a blow job.

Next day the guys are in the bar and the same thing happens.

The day afte...

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Freudian Slip

Two men are sitting at a bar, both of them have a fresh black-eye.

First guy: (pointing at shiner) **So what happened to you?**

Second guy: **Freudian slip**

First guy: **What's that?**

Second guy: **That's when you accidentally say what you're thinking subconsciously, I ...

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

“Hey, do you care if I punch myself in the face?” “No, not at all…

…knock yourself out.”

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane...

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

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If you punch your own balls and it hurts, does that make you strong or weak?

Stupid, it makes you stupid

The doctor flipped the pages, and sat down next to me.

“The results just came back and I’m afraid to tell you, but… you have 6 months.”

I got up and punched him right in his stupid mouth.

Now I have 4-5 years.

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

What do you call a procrastinating comedian?

Uhh I don't know, I'll come up with the punch line later

Why was the volleyball captain kicked out of prom?

For spiking the punch.

I once had an abusive girlfriend.

Her name was Lorraine. Whenever she didn’t agree with something I said or did, she would strike me all over the body, but punching me in the eye was most common. That left me with black eyes almost constantly. I had enough. I broke up with her after five months of abuse. I can see clearly now, Lorra...

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

An Australian was in London admiring suits displayed in a shop window...

To nobody in particular he said, "Ahh, there's the one I'd get!"

A split second later, a three foot tall cyclops ran up and punched him in the nuts.

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A man arrives at work on Monday morning with two black eyes.

His colleague asks how this happened.

" I was in church on Sunday. The congregation kneeled and when we all got up, the woman in front of me had her dress tucked in to her bum crack. I realised it must be uncomfortable, so I reached forward and pulled it out for her. Then she turned aroun...

Struggling to write a new joke about the Jonestown Massacre.

I always mess up the punch.

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

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New Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris lost his virginity to the Statue of Liberty.

Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man is Chuck Norris’s baby picture.

Waffles didn’t exist until Chuck Norris punched a pancake.

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