For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

This joke has no punch line

But you might get a kick out of it

I got punched by my X-Box controller for breaking his charging cord.

He was charged with battery.

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

I love Five Finger Death Punch.

I'll always be their biggest fan from the cradle to the grave.

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Just had to punch a delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

Cheeky fucker.

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Jokingly punching someone in the balls isn't funny.

Its a dick move

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law

My wife said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough"

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

Punch an orphan. What are they gonna do?

Tell their parents?

A guy threatened me to punch me in the face.

Apparently, I shouldn't have replied "You wouldn't do that to the father of your half-brother, would you?"

One day I punched a white guy and I got arrested for assault,

The next day I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch

The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.”
The guy looks around but there is no punch line

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

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I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

A man walked into a bar and ordered punch

Bartender: „If you want punch you have to get in line.“
The man looked around, but there was no punch line.

Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person...

...I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

What is it called when Captain America punches The Hulk in the face?

A "Star-spangled Banner"

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

A guy and a girl are going to prom together.

She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her.

She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is ver...

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

A man spills a glass of water, and the water trickles and forms a line on the floor. He then spills a glass of milk, and it also makes a line. But to his shock, when he spills a glass of punch...

...there is no punchline

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo....

You cross this line and I'll punch you in the face.

I guess that's the punchline.

"Bam! Kapow! Smash! Punch!"

**Batman:** those are fighting words

If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you strong or weak?

Neither, you're an idiot.

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

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I wear a mask and run around punching women in their breasts.

It’s my secret I dent titties.

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

What happens when you punch sound?

It megahertz.

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

I punched the Mailman the other day

He had the audacity to tell me I had a small package

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

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A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

Whats a punch that can kill 26 people?

A Sandy Hook

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

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A father has three daughters of dating age

One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'...

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just se...

I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch in.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I went thirsty at the comedy club.

The punch lines were terrible!

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Bob and John.

Bob "Hey John, they say if you get punched in the eye, you get black eye right?"

John "I guess so yeah."

Bob "cool now can you punch my dick?"

John "what why?"

Bob "cause then I'll get a black dick."

John "that joke was awful."

Bob "who's joking?"

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?

The Three-Hole Punch...

Can anyone suggest a joke where <silence> is the punch? I have one...

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

A comedian was fighting a pro boxer

The comedian told a joke. Then the comedian punched the pro boxer in the face. The the comedian asked did you get my punchline?

Classical joke

I remember once in pre-virus times, I was standing in a fairly long line for a classical music concert. A dude on a skateboard rode up to me and asked “what’s all the excitement about? Who’s playing?” I told him “Yo-Yo Ma.” And he punched me in the face!

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There was a boxing match. One of the boxers decided to punch his opponent in the groin.

It was a dick move.

I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"

So I was at a party some years ago with my new watch.

Unfortunately while I was there I found that ny watch had been stolen. I searched the party for hours trying to find, I was going completely mad. As the party started to wind down I began to lose hope of ever finding. Until I saw some douchebag harassing a some random girl, he was grabbing her arm, ...

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Why can’t dislexic people tell jokes?

Cause they punch up the fuckline

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

A nun is walking down the sidewalk when she sees a drunk exit the bar across the street.

He stares at her for a long while before making a beeline across the street and stopping right in front of her.

She is about to say "how are you today, brother?" When he punches her hard in the stomach.

Bent over, trying to catch her breath, she's about to say "what was that for?" Whe...

Punched someone in the face dressed as the Duracell Bunny

Got charged with battery

Three men walk into a grocery store

The fist one grabs some chips and pop
The clerk tells him “the express line is over there” so he checks out his items.
The second man buys some beer for a night with his friends so the clerk points to a lane and says “the alcohol line is over there”
Then the third man buys some fruit punch...

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

What do call a lion that likes to punch?

A punch lion. Too bad this joke doesn't have one.

First thing every morning I punch a brick wall as hard as I can

Because your best days start with break fist.

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I saw a Blackhole getting into a fight with a star

The star went for a punch but got sucked into the Blackhole.
I went up to it and said “Man! You’re one dense motherfucker”.

A man returned home with a bloody nose

His wife asked, "What happened? Why are you beaten up?"

The man said, "I was in the elevator, and I farted."

The wife was furious, "What is wrong with society? Someone punched you because you farted?"

The man winced, "no... because I glared accusingly at the guy beside me so no ...

I bought my wife a mood ring..

when she is in a good mood it turns blue. When she is in a bad mood it turns red. Not the ring, the knot on the side of my head after she punches me repeatedly in the face.

What kind of punch is strong enough to kill 20 kids and 6 adults at once?

A Sandy Hook

What’s it called when you punch a dwarf

A low blow

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Wanna hear a joke about Kool-Aid?

Crap. I forgot the punch line

There are 10 types of people.

Those who want to punch me in the face now and those who are very confused.

Ever get punched in the face by someone wearing a ring?

It leaves a lasting impression

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

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A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"

The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."

"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the ...

Ghosts.

I don't know when it comes to ghosts and the afterlife, I like to think I'm open minded, maybe there something in it, maybe there isn't.

Actually I recently attended a seance. The psychic who ran it told us she was delighted with the way her business was going. Absolutely booked up solid. ...

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

I’m all for punching not-sees.

Blind people weaken the race.

What kind of punch does a boxer dog throw?

A puppercut!

What did the megabyte say to the kilobyte when he punched him 1 million times?

That giga-hurts!

My mate punched my driver for pulling into the cycle lane...

He\`s a bit of a CYCLE-PATH.......





yeah its bad..

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A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line...

Wooden tit

My friend punches me whenever I refuse to smoke weed with him

He’s given me blunt force trauma

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

I have to stop my tongue clicking habit

Yesterday, this Xhosa man almost punched me in the face, screaming 'What the hell did you just call me!?'

Why are there no good jokes about Jim Jones?

All the punch lines are too long.

Needed to punch another hole in my belt.

I gave it my awl.

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So a guy walked into a bar and asked how to become a cupcake...

So, a guy walked into a bar and he saw a cupcake. He went up to the cupcake and asked, "How do I become a cupcake?"

The cupcake replied, "You have to eat a cupcake to become a cupcake."

So the guy left to go eat a cupcake and the next night he returned to the bar. He then saw a chocola...

Did you know atoms don't touch each other that means we have never touched anything in our lives

So no officer i did not punch that kid

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Once upon a time there was a Cheerio.

(long)

This Cheerio dreamed of going to Perfect Cheerio Land, where only the best Cheerios lived. In Perfect Cheerio Land, there was everything a little Cheerio’s heart desired.

One day, when Cheerio woke up, an angel cheerio was at the foot of his bed. The angel said, “I am here to ta...

What do you and a punch bowl have in common?

You’re both full of red liquid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into my bar with 2 black eyes

So I ask what happened? He says "well I was in church and when we all stood to sing the hymn, the lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in the crack of her ass. So I decided to reach up and pull it out for her. She turned around and punched me in my right eye." So I asked "what happened to yo...

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

I punched a white guy at the gas station last week and got arrested for grievous bodily harm...

Punched a black guy in the shopping center today and got arrested for impersonating a police officer...

Franky was enjoying himself at a nightclub

During the events of the night he lost his watch and couldn't find it anywhere he looked, so he figured he'd just settle his losses and move on.

Later in the night he saw a man standing on his watch, this man was harassing a girl who clearly didn't want to dance with him, so Franky walked up ...

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