My mother told me not to poke sharp objects.

As for why, *I just can’t put my finger on it...*

Little Johnny pokes Jenny

A teacher asks the students the following questions

"Who created the universe?"

Johnny, who's sitting behind Jenny, pokes her with a pencil.

Jenny exclaims "Oh, God!!"

Teacher says "Excellent, Jenny".

The teacher then asks again, "Who was the son of God?"

Jo...

My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day...

I stopped seeing her for a while.

Old people always poke me at weddings and say: “you’re next”

So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

What is it called when you poke someone to see if it tickles?

A test tickle.

Oh, how I hated it, when I was younger & my aunties would poke me at weddings and go *"How about you be the next?"*

They only stopped, when I started saying the same thing to them at funerals.

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big, burly, 6’10” 283lb guy walks into a bar carrying a brown box...

Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.

He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it to everyone around. Then t...

A man is walking by his son's room, when he hears him praying...

and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying.

"Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The father thought this was strange, but didn't pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings.

The next day the man comes...

So three women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They hide under a tarp on a work truck. The security guard is checking the tarp at the gate. He pokes his rifle at the brunette and she goes "meow, meow". He pokes his rifle at the red head and she goes "woof, woof". He pokes his rifle at the blonde and she goes "potato, potato".

Ticket please

Three engineers and three accountants are in the queue to buy a train ticket.

The three accountants buy a ticket each; three in all. The engineers, however, buy one ticket between them.

“How are you…?” ask the accountants.
“We know what to do,” reply the engineers.

And all si...

Caught my girlfriend trying to poke holes in a condom.

"Ouch!" I winced. "At least let me take it off first."

We all wear him and tear him in pieces, puncture holes in it, tear apart his clothes, and still not be guilty.

I'm talking about an eraser.

What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses?

Eyerony

13, 13, 13!

A man is walking by a fence surrounding the local asylum. As he approaches one area of the fence, he hears yelling from inside. "13! 13! 13! 13!" The man is curious and begins to examine the fence as he gets closer to the shouting, and discovers a hole in the fence, at about eye level. He peers thro...

Little Johnny and little Susie were in Sunday school.

Johnny, thinking he was being funny, kept poking Susie in the back with a pencil.

Up front, the teacher was asking some questions, "What did lucifer say after falling from heaven?" She asked. Just then Johnny jabbed Susie with the pencil.

"Cut it out." She hissed over her shoulder....

I kid names Josey was a sleep in Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Dominic Cummings arrive at the pearly gates.

“Confess a sin” says St. Peter “and I shall grant you access to paradise.”

Johnson goes first, fuffing and fumfering.
“I lied about many things, mostly promising £350 million for the NHS after Brexit which was bollocks. My lot looked into it though and decided it was technically okay.”...

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

Since most jokes are reposts I may was well go with the oldest known joke in English from the 10th Century.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute slipped on cum while servicing a man in an alley

She fell down and poked her eye on the man’s hard dick.

A witness told a policeman, “She looked a bit cockeyed.”

I was stacking rusty blocks yesterday and got poked

I went to the doctor today and he told me I had tetris.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree in his garden.

He flicks through the phone book until he finds an animal removal service, gives them a call and explains his situation. 15 minutes later, a guy turns up in a van and takes out a ladder, a long stick, a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs and a pitbull.

The worker says to the man "Right, here's the ...

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to ...

How i learned to mind my own business

One day I was walking on the sidewalk next to a mental hospital and heard 13...13...13...
So I decided to peek through a hole in the wall and immediately got poked In the eye and heard 14...14...14...

During an exam, a student pokes the guy next to him and whispers, "pssst... is C the chemical symbol for chlorine?"

He whispers back, "Na, Cl you idiot!".

"OK thanks..." replies the student, "but why so salty?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are preparing to leave for a trip.

A husband and wife are preparing to leave for a trip. The husband suddenly remembers that their cat is in the house. So, he told his wife to wait while he was going inside the house to leave the cat in the backyard.

Just as the husband went inside the house, their neighbor came and asked the ...

Decided to eat some chips yesterday

Apparently that's "super weird" and "completely inappropriate at a poker game"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is walking along a stretch of tall fences, minding his own business...

...when he notices chanting coming from the other side of the fence. He makes his way closer to make out what it is he's hearing.

"18...18...18....18..." is what he hears from a chorus of voices on the other side.

He looks along the fence until he finds a hole to peer through and see w...

What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?

Tap water


I'm so sorry for how stupid this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it.

My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.

One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar

. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference.
After about an hour, the man says to the
woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
Considerin...

What did the poke ball say to pikachu?

Catch ya later!

-via my 7 year old

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, little Susie was sitting in Sunday School

Susie was a good kid who liked to pay attention in here sunday school bible classes. The only problem was the she sat in front of the class delinquent, Joe. While the teacher was teaching, she decided to ask the class a question to make sure all the kids were paying attention.


"So class, ...

Ants in your tummy

A guy complained to his doctor about stomach pain and after a quick x-ray his doctor tells him he has ants living in his lower intestines. The doctor tells him to buy a watermelon and poke a hole in it and sit on the hole so the queen ant can come down, taste it, and call out the rest of the ants so...

I dumped my blonde girlfriend after she tried to poke holes in one of the condoms.

She might have gotten away with it had I not been wearing it at the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brash American tourist got seated next to a Chinese man in a plane.

Mid flight, the Chinese man ordered for a marmalade sandwich. The American could not contain his curiosity so he struck up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You enjoyin' that sandwich, pal?" he asked

"Yes" politely answered the Chinese man after he took a bite and made a few chews....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no penis took Slowpoke out of its Poke Ball and started humping it.

It took Slowpoke a while to realize how badly fucked it was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Susie goes to church every Sunday, but she has trouble staying awake during class...

Little Johnny sits behind her, and one day a nun comes up to Susie and asks her,

“What is the name of out lord and savior?”

Little Johnny pokes Susie in the back with a stick to wake her up, she jolts up and yells

“Jesus Christ!”

“Very good Susie.”

She falls back a...

A guy sees an ad in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you wan...

A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.

Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

How do you fit Pikachu on a bus?

Poke him on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little sozzie

One day little sozzie fell asleep in church and the preacher is asking questions and sees little sozzie sleeping.

He walks ove to here and asks “who died for our sins” and the little boy sitting behind her doesn’t want her to get in trouble so he pokes here with a pen Lillie sozzie jumps up a...

I understand that some people don't like when I poke fun at God or religion

but, it's always been a blasphemy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

Don't run with bagpipes! You could poke an eye out.

Or even worse, get kilt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

Three babies are in their mother's womb.

One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that th...

Three nuns were talking...

The first nun said, “when I was cleaning fathers room I found a dirty magizine” the second nun asked what she did with it. “Well I threw it out of course” said the first nun. The second nun said, “when I was doing fathers laundry I found a box of condoms.” The first nun asked, “well, what did you do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks up to two other nuns

"Sisters, I have something terrible to tell you. Last month, when I was putting away Father Jacob's shirts, I found a box of condoms in his dresser."

"Oh my," says the second nun. "What did you do?"

"I took a pin from my pincushion and poked holes in all of them," she answers.
...

What's the best way to poke holes in an argument?

Make good points.

Jack and Molly in school...

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny and mary at bible school

So mary and johnny are at bible school and mary has a habit of falling asleep. When this happens johnny pokes her with his pencil to wake her up.

After the teacher asks a few questions mary falls asleep and the teacher says who is our lord and savior. Johnny pokes mary with his pencil and sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saying goodbye to mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the hou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a deer if you poke its eyes out?

No eye deer.
And if you cut off its legs?
Still no eye deer.
And if you cut off its penis?
Still, no fuggin eye deer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

My buddy was into medieval things, so I asked if he had ever been poked by a lance,

He said "no but I was once lightly caressed by a Stephen"

A man is walking past an insane asylum.

As he passes the yard (which was surrounded by a high fence), he heard many voices from within chanting “seven, seven, seven” over and over again. He’s very curious as to why the patients could be chanting this number so he looks through a gap in the fence planks to have a look. Before he can see an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and...

A guy dies and goes straight to hell.

A guy dies and goes straight to hell. He is greeted there by Satan - who says "Hey! Cheer up! Hell is not so bad - we give you choices!"

He points to three doors and says "You get to pick one - and you get to peek behind the door before you choose." So he opens the first door and there is a ...

What do you call two turtles [email protected]#$ing?

A slow poke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks out of a bar with a girl he just pulled.

"Let's go back to your joint..." he says, "my house mates are home and we'll get no peace there."

Reluctantly the girl agrees. They walk back to her house and quietly enter through the front door.

"Take a seat" says the girl, pointing to the sofa, "I'm just going to get changed out of...

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Norwegians are walking home

Two Norwegians are walking home when one of them abruptly stops the other

1: “Stop stop, don’t step in that!”
2: “What is that? Is it poop?”

The second guy bends down and inspects it

2: “It sure looks like poop”

He the smells it

2: “It smells like poop too!” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion sees a spring running while wandering through the jungle.

He leans in to take a drink, head down, rear up and his tail swaying in the air. A gorilla wanders by and gives the lion the old Liberace and runs off. The lion gives chase through the jungle. The gorilla comes upon a campsite at the edge of the jungle and dashes into a tent. He grabs a hat, puts it...

A girl was sleeping in class (btw I'm new, so first time posting)

A girl named Jess was sleeping in class, then the teacher asks Jess: 'Jess, who created the earth?' Now little Johnny was sitting behind her and had an unfolded paper clip, he poked Jess with it and Jess shouted 'Oh god' the teacher said correct.

Next lesson Jess was sleeping again, the teach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking by a mental hospital and heard all of the patients shouting "13...13...13..".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a gap in the planks so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some asshole immediately poked me in the eye with a stick, then they started shouting "14...14...14.."

Why didn't Joan of Arc ever poke fun at her friends?

Because she knew they'd roast her

What did the emotional man say when he got poked?

'I am touched'

I was mad at my best friend, so I poked holes in his condoms...

And now my mom is pregnant..

How do you wake Lady Gaga up in the morning?

Poke her face. Poke, poke, poke her face.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech asks the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he can not tell. But just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling between the birch and the beech.

The birch asks,"Mr. Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a test of the small tree and repli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a man keep in his pants that often pokes the hole it's poked before?

His keys, you filthy-minded bastard.

I just poked myself in the eyes...

I can't see myself doing that again anytime soon.

What do you get when you cross a turtle and a porcupine?

A Slow-poke!

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

The teacher noticed that a girl was falling asleep in Sunday school

She knew the girl wasn't paying attention so she asked her, "Who created the world and everything in it?" The boy sitting behind her poked her with his pencil, hard. She screamed, "Oh, God!" and she got that question right. The teacher could swear she wasn't paying attention so she decided to ask th...

A millionaire wanted to eat something exotic

He rembered fried bugs being served at the last party he was on. He had taken a liking in them so he ordered his cook to prepare some worms for dinner.

That evening the millionaire was getting ready for his meal. His cook brought him a plate full of white maggots, althought something didn't s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hel...

How I became famous at a hospital during a surgery.

So to give some background information. I was 12 years old at the time and at Emory Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. The reason why was so I could get a tumor out of my eyeball, which was usually a sign of cancer in people in their 50s-60s, not when they are 12. So when I was in the waiting room for my...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.