I dumped my blonde girlfriend after she tried to poke holes in one of the condoms.

She might have gotten away with it had I not been wearing it at the time.

What hangs at a mans thigh and likes to poke holes?

A key

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

Old men poke me and say “You’re next “ at weddings

So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?

Tap water


I'm so sorry for how stupid this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

I understand that some people don't like when I poke fun at God or religion

but, it's always been a blasphemy!

Don't run with bagpipes! You could poke an eye out.

Or even worse, get kilt.

What's the best way to poke holes in an argument?

Make good points.

Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she l...

During an exam, a student pokes the guy next to him and whispers, "pssst... is C the chemical symbol for chlorine?"

He whispers back, "Na, Cl you idiot!".

"OK thanks..." replies the student, "but why so salty?"

What Hangs at a Man's Thigh and Wants to Poke the Hole It's Often Poked Before?

A key.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a deer if you poke its eyes out?

No eye deer.
And if you cut off its legs?
Still no eye deer.
And if you cut off its penis?
Still, no fuggin eye deer

A boy pokes a girl with a pin at church

The church priest asks the girl a question "who is our lord and savior?" *the boy stabs her with the pin* she yells "JESUS CHRIST" the priest says "good good, who created us" *the boy stabs her again* she yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the priest says "good good, now, what did Eve say to Adam after they had t...

Why didn't Joan of Arc ever poke fun at her friends?

Because she knew they'd roast her

A kid pokes his dad with a ruler several times.

Angrily, the dad asks him what he is doing.
The boy says, "measuring your patience."

I like my women like I like my Poke Stops.

Ready to go again in 5 minutes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scoo...

Boy pokes girl with a pencil

A boy sits behind a girl he likes in Catholic school and he shows it by poking her in the back with a pencil. One day during class the teacher asks:

"Who was the one that created the universe?"

The boy pokes the girl with his pencil and she jumps up and says:

"Oh God!"

Af...

Steve Irwin: "Crikey! It's a deadly stingray! Let's poke it worry a stick!"

Deadly Stingray: "Crikey! It's a Steve Irwin! Let's poke it with a stick!"

What's it called when you poke a Scantron to make it laugh?

A test tickle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen ... "

I was walking past a tall wooden fence the other day, you know the kind you see outside a building site. As I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..."...

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, “bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.”

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes “bang bang”

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. “Hey Muhammad! You run out of a...

How do you get 50 Pikachus on a bus?

Poke 'em on.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Haven't seen the gorilla on a building joke. It's my favorite.

An apartment manager comes into work and his high-rise one morning and finds a gorilla five floors up hanging on the side of the building. He calls animal control and they say they'll send their best man out.

Animal control truck pulls up half hour later, and a big guy jumps out, introduces h...

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker face.

A blonde walks into a doctor’s office

Blonde: doc! I think I got a skin disease!

She proceeds to poke everywhere and every time she pokes herself she yelps

Doctor: ma’am are you a natural blonde?

Blonde: yes why?

Doctor: your finger’s broken.

A blonde walks into a hospital.

She was claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says “Okay I’d like you to point to wherever it hurts”. So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says “Here. Ow.” She then pokes her arm and says “Here. Ow.” She then repeats this with different parts o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

What do you call a fear of over-engineered buildings?

A complex complex complex

Credit to some guy named Slow Poke on YouTube

Religion at its finest

One day Johnny and Sarah are sitting in religion class.
Johnny was really tired so he kept falling asleep.

The teacher asked the class “who is the son of god?”
She called on Johnny and Sarah pokes him really hard with the sharp end of her pencil and it woke him up in a fright and he yel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do turtles have sex?

Slow poke

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Emma didn't get very much sleep on Saturday night.

Because of that fact she kept falling asleep in Sunday School. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?"

The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!"

The teacher told ...

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

A killer chases a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

The three finds three potato sacks to hide in. The killer finds the sacks and decided to poke each one.
When the killer poked the brunette, the brunette goes “meow, meow.” Then the killer pokes the red head, and she goes “bark! bark!” Finally, the killer pokes the blonde in the potato sack and sh...

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heaven is getting full

Heaven is getting full and god and the devil make an agreement, the dead have to ask a question and if the devil can answer correctly they go to hell but if he answers incorrectly they can go in. One day a scientist a mathmatition abd a hill billy all die so the devil tells them the rules and the sc...

Johnny and Sarah are in Sunday School ...

Johnny and Sarah are sitting in Sunday school class when Sarah begins to fall asleep. The teacher notices this and decides to embarrass Sarah by asking her a question. The teacher asks, "Sarah, who created the heavens and the earth?" Johnny decides to help Sarah out and wake her up, so he covertly t...

Came up with an idea for a business sabotaging condoms.

Feel free to poke holes in it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pillsbury Doughboy died today...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay thei...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there is a Lizard in the jungle

He's walking around doing a little exploring. He then notices there is a small hut in a tree that has some smoke coming out of it. So, the lizard yells up to the hut and says 'Hey! is everything okay up there?"

A monkey pokes his head out of the hut and looks down and says "Yeah man, just up...

I play poker with my best friend's wife every weekend.

He seems fine with it, but I suspect he doesn't know what I use to poke her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is hitting something with your boob like the EU after Britain leaves ?

One is "post-Brexit", the other is "breast pokes it".

As a married man, the only time I get a piece of ass....

...is when my finger pokes through the toilet paper

The Purple Gorilla.

Once upon a time there was a man driving down an old road at night when his car broke down on the side of the road. He saw a small house not to far away. He decided to see if the house had anyone willing to help him out. The man knocked on the door and almost instantly an old lady swung open the doo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two best friends, Bill and Fred want to get pissed

Bill and Fred want to get drunk but they only have 50 pence between them, Bill goes into a shop and buys a single sausage, Fred, confused and annoyed has a go at Bill

"You spent all our money on a bloody sausage, Now we can't even afford a single drink!"

Bill taps his nose and leads F...

There was a family of moles underground.

They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says “wow, I smell sugar”. The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims” wow I smell glucose!” Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says “ holy cow I smell fructose!” Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets a worm parasite...

A guy goes on a mission trip and contracts a gnarly parasite worm. Every doctor tells him he's done for and the worm will starve him to death, but a friend of his who used to go on mission trips tells him about this doctor that has a technique to get rid of the worm, but warns him that the doctor is...

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that ...

I invented a new kind of corn

It has a very soft center so it is easy to poke the holders into it.

I call it... softcore corn.

Don't look it up on the internet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Piss Pop Piss Pop

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactured various latex products, and had a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory made baby bottle nipples. The...

A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve...

A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve. The husband is taking notes when he notices his wife dozing off. He gently pokes her with his pencil and she wakes up. The Adam and Eve sermon continues but a few minutes later, he notices her dozing off again. Th...

Why did God make pubic hairs curly?

Because if he made them straight, we would all poke our eyes out.

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital

surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside.
Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourte...

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes,...

Another blonde joke

Boyfriend is driving down the street with his (blonde) girlfriend in the passenger seat. The boyfriend becomes concerned the turn signals are not working, so he asks his girlfriend to poke her head out the passenger side window to see if the right turn signal is functioning. She replies, "it's worki...

A joke I came up with the other day

Two hedgehogs were at a wedding. One of the hedgehogs asked if the other would like to dance with him.
The other hedgehog responded, “Sure, but I might poke ya,”

A pilot is flying a small one-seater plane over southern Africa in 1960...

when suddenly, his navigation equipment stops functioning. Because he has a general idea of where to go, he decides to keep flying.

Several hours pass, and the pilot is getting worried. He's running low on fuel, and doesn't have any idea where he is. He decides that he will land at the next r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

What is the most effective way of annoying Lady Gaga?

Walk up to her and po\-po\-po\-poke her face.

Edit\- This is also known as Ah\-Ah\-Ah\-Ah\- Assault, so maybe don't try this.

Donald Trump visits Vladimir Putin in Russia and while there Putin takes him bear hunting...

After a few hours in the woods Trump says, "Vlad this is great but where's the washroom. I need to pee." Putin chuckles at the American city boy and says, "There's no washroom here. You just pee in the bushes." He then walks over to some bushes and starts peeing. A bear that was hiding in the bu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny once went camping on a school trip

At night, he approached his teacher’s tent, and said, “Miss, I am scared. I can’t sleep alone. Can I sleep in your tent.”

The teacher thought for a second, and said “No”

Johnny: “But Mommy always lets me do so, when I am scared”

Teacher : “Okay, fine. But do not tell this to you...

Great Deal at the Grocery Store

Bill is a man in his forties and he gathered his old fraternity brothers together for a weekend to play some poke, reminisce about old times and complain about their lives. Particularly, Bill had marital troubles, and was explaining his worries that his wife was cheating on him.
One of the guy...

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.”

“That’s odd”, replied the doctor, “Show me what you mean”

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man begins to suspect he has a tapeworm, so he goes to the doctor...

The doctor examines him and confirms that yes, he does have a tapeworm. "And it's a pretty wily one, too. Every time I try to yank it out, it just darts away. I'm gonna have to resort to more unorthodox methods..."

The man doesn't like the sound of that, but he's desperate to get rid of the p...

I recently had to go to the doctor, my entire body hurt everywhere

I told the doc

"It hurts when I poke my neck",
"It hurts when I poke my chest",
"It hurts when I poke my leg"

The doc took some x-rays and the results came back:

I had broken my finger

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 aliens meet a gas pump

2 aliens crash land in Roswell NM. Walk up to a gas station pump , pull out a ray gun and say:

Alien 1: take me to your leader.
Gas pump just sits there
Alien 2 umm..., you probably shouldn’t mess with him..
Alien 1... nah man he knows. He’s part of the collective
Alien 2: 🙄
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[My version is better]Sally was a terrible Sunday school student...

she always fell asleep in class. Now, the teacher of this Sunday school liked to start things off by asking questions from the lesson before so she could see if the students got last week's lesson. On this morning the teacher started things out nice and easy. She asked, "Who is the creator of the un...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW][Long] Little Johnny grew up afraid of women

His mother told him from an early age that women were dangerous, and that if he went anywhere near their private parts he would get hurt, because there were teeth in there, and they would bite him.

So years and years of Johnny avoiding women went by until one day, he was with a nice girl that...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just one minute

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he
might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and
listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a
banana and a cookie w...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...

They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.

Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes “woof!” The policeman says, “Oh, it’s just a bag of dogs,” and walks on.

They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes “meow!”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Soviet spy comes to a cafe and orders tea

Starts drinking it, when a waiter comes to him. — Oh, you must be russian spy. — How did you find out? — You put sugar with the spoon, but left the spoon in the cup. Only russians do that.

Next time the spy walks into the cafe, orders tea, put sugar, doesn't put the spoon in the cup. Waiter c...