What did the poke ball say to pikachu?

Catch ya later!

-via my 7 year old

Old people at weddings always poke me and say "You're Next"

So I started doing the same thing to them at Funerals.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with no penis took Slowpoke out of its Poke Ball and started humping it.

It took Slowpoke a while to realize how badly fucked it was.

I dumped my blonde girlfriend after she tried to poke holes in one of the condoms.

She might have gotten away with it had I not been wearing it at the time.

During an exam, a student pokes the guy next to him and whispers, "pssst... is C the chemical symbol for chlorine?"

He whispers back, "Na, Cl you idiot!".

"OK thanks..." replies the student, "but why so salty?"

What Hangs at a Man's Thigh and Wants to Poke the Hole It's Often Poked Before?

A key.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The day I met ET. I was minding my own business waiting for the bus when this weirdo sits next to me and pokes me on the shoulder.

"Stop it, will you!" I said. He does it again and I was about to slap the silly grin of his face, but he raised his hand and said there was no need for violence, he was a stranger from a different planet and came to study earthlings.

"Prove it" I said, and he opens his jacket and there are gi...

I understand that some people don't like when I poke fun at God or religion

but, it's always been a blasphemy!

Don't run with bagpipes! You could poke an eye out.

Or even worse, get kilt.

What's the best way to poke holes in an argument?

Make good points.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?

Tap water


I'm so sorry for how stupid this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Steve Irwin: "Crikey! It's a deadly stingray! Let's poke it worry a stick!"

Deadly Stingray: "Crikey! It's a Steve Irwin! Let's poke it with a stick!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a deer if you poke its eyes out?

No eye deer.
And if you cut off its legs?
Still no eye deer.
And if you cut off its penis?
Still, no fuggin eye deer

A boy pokes a girl with a pin at church

The church priest asks the girl a question "who is our lord and savior?" *the boy stabs her with the pin* she yells "JESUS CHRIST" the priest says "good good, who created us" *the boy stabs her again* she yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the priest says "good good, now, what did Eve say to Adam after they had t...

Why didn't Joan of Arc ever poke fun at her friends?

Because she knew they'd roast her

A kid pokes his dad with a ruler several times.

Angrily, the dad asks him what he is doing.
The boy says, "measuring your patience."

Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school

The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?'
Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!'
'Correct Claire'
The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?'
Todd poked Claire again and she l...

I like my women like I like my Poke Stops.

Ready to go again in 5 minutes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scoo...

What's it called when you poke a Scantron to make it laugh?

A test tickle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker face.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen ... "

I was walking past a tall wooden fence the other day, you know the kind you see outside a building site. As I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..."...

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

Boy pokes girl with a pencil

A boy sits behind a girl he likes in Catholic school and he shows it by poking her in the back with a pencil. One day during class the teacher asks:

"Who was the one that created the universe?"

The boy pokes the girl with his pencil and she jumps up and says:

"Oh God!"

Af...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife...

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

Joke from my 8 year old grandson

What do you call a Jamaican finger in your belly?

Poke, mon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy goes to the hospital with his mom

They’re visiting her friend who’s just given birth.

The boys mom kneels down, holding his hands and says to him “son, look at me. Sometimes babies are born differently.” “What do you mean mom?’ He asks, head cocked to one side as he ponders this.

She thinks of how to respond, gently....

What did the necrophilliac have to do before he came upon a body in the woods?

Poke it with a stick, just to make sure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man and his doctor's advice

A man came to the chamber of a well known doctor.
**Doctor:** Hello and good afternoon. What seems to be the problem?
*Man:* I don't want any more baby, doc. Save me.


**Doctor:** Okay, tell me why can't you stop having a baby?
*Man:* I used a condom so that my semen won't...

How do you get 50 Pikachus on a bus?

Poke 'em on.

Sunday School

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?"
Adam was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, "God almi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

The Religion Exam

A class of 30 students 10 year old students were set a Religion exam. One boy had not revised and decided the best course of action was to ask the girl next to him.

The boy poke the girl with his pencil to get her attention and whispers “What was the name of Christian Lord?”

The girl ...

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, “bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.”

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes “bang bang”

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. “Hey Muhammad! You run out of a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Haven't seen the gorilla on a building joke. It's my favorite.

An apartment manager comes into work and his high-rise one morning and finds a gorilla five floors up hanging on the side of the building. He calls animal control and they say they'll send their best man out.

Animal control truck pulls up half hour later, and a big guy jumps out, introduces h...

A blonde walks into a doctor’s office

Blonde: doc! I think I got a skin disease!

She proceeds to poke everywhere and every time she pokes herself she yelps

Doctor: ma’am are you a natural blonde?

Blonde: yes why?

Doctor: your finger’s broken.

A blonde walks into a hospital.

She was claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says “Okay I’d like you to point to wherever it hurts”. So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says “Here. Ow.” She then pokes her arm and says “Here. Ow.” She then repeats this with different parts o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hel...

What do you call a fear of over-engineered buildings?

A complex complex complex

Credit to some guy named Slow Poke on YouTube

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Emma didn't get very much sleep on Saturday night.

Because of that fact she kept falling asleep in Sunday School. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?"

The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!"

The teacher told ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do turtles have sex?

Slow poke

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

A killer chases a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

The three finds three potato sacks to hide in. The killer finds the sacks and decided to poke each one.
When the killer poked the brunette, the brunette goes “meow, meow.” Then the killer pokes the red head, and she goes “bark! bark!” Finally, the killer pokes the blonde in the potato sack and sh...

Religion at its finest

One day Johnny and Sarah are sitting in religion class.
Johnny was really tired so he kept falling asleep.

The teacher asked the class “who is the son of god?”
She called on Johnny and Sarah pokes him really hard with the sharp end of her pencil and it woke him up in a fright and he yel...

Johnny and Sarah are in Sunday School ...

Johnny and Sarah are sitting in Sunday school class when Sarah begins to fall asleep. The teacher notices this and decides to embarrass Sarah by asking her a question. The teacher asks, "Sarah, who created the heavens and the earth?" Johnny decides to help Sarah out and wake her up, so he covertly t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there is a Lizard in the jungle

He's walking around doing a little exploring. He then notices there is a small hut in a tree that has some smoke coming out of it. So, the lizard yells up to the hut and says 'Hey! is everything okay up there?"

A monkey pokes his head out of the hut and looks down and says "Yeah man, just up...

There was a family of moles underground.

They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says “wow, I smell sugar”. The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims” wow I smell glucose!” Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says “ holy cow I smell fructose!” Th...

I play poker with my best friend's wife every weekend.

He seems fine with it, but I suspect he doesn't know what I use to poke her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

As a married man, the only time I get a piece of ass....

...is when my finger pokes through the toilet paper

The Purple Gorilla.

Once upon a time there was a man driving down an old road at night when his car broke down on the side of the road. He saw a small house not to far away. He decided to see if the house had anyone willing to help him out. The man knocked on the door and almost instantly an old lady swung open the doo...

Came up with an idea for a business sabotaging condoms.

Feel free to poke holes in it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two best friends, Bill and Fred want to get pissed

Bill and Fred want to get drunk but they only have 50 pence between them, Bill goes into a shop and buys a single sausage, Fred, confused and annoyed has a go at Bill

"You spent all our money on a bloody sausage, Now we can't even afford a single drink!"

Bill taps his nose and leads F...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets a worm parasite...

A guy goes on a mission trip and contracts a gnarly parasite worm. Every doctor tells him he's done for and the worm will starve him to death, but a friend of his who used to go on mission trips tells him about this doctor that has a technique to get rid of the worm, but warns him that the doctor is...

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that ...

Courtesy of my five year old son... What do you get when a turtle and porcupine have a baby?

A slow poke!

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital

surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside.
Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourte...

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to roleplay as a doctor, and she said "Great idea! How about I start with a full cavity search?"

She opened my mouth and started to poke at my teeth with a metal dental scraper.

Another blonde joke

Boyfriend is driving down the street with his (blonde) girlfriend in the passenger seat. The boyfriend becomes concerned the turn signals are not working, so he asks his girlfriend to poke her head out the passenger side window to see if the right turn signal is functioning. She replies, "it's worki...

I invented a new kind of corn

It has a very soft center so it is easy to poke the holders into it.

I call it... softcore corn.

Don't look it up on the internet.

A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve...

A husband and wife are sitting in church listening to a sermon about Adam and Eve. The husband is taking notes when he notices his wife dozing off. He gently pokes her with his pencil and she wakes up. The Adam and Eve sermon continues but a few minutes later, he notices her dozing off again. Th...

Why did God make pubic hairs curly?

Because if he made them straight, we would all poke our eyes out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Piss Pop Piss Pop

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactured various latex products, and had a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory made baby bottle nipples. The...

A pilot is flying a small one-seater plane over southern Africa in 1960...

when suddenly, his navigation equipment stops functioning. Because he has a general idea of where to go, he decides to keep flying.

Several hours pass, and the pilot is getting worried. He's running low on fuel, and doesn't have any idea where he is. He decides that he will land at the next r...

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.”

“That’s odd”, replied the doctor, “Show me what you mean”

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says,...

A joke I came up with the other day

Two hedgehogs were at a wedding. One of the hedgehogs asked if the other would like to dance with him.
The other hedgehog responded, “Sure, but I might poke ya,”

Donald Trump visits Vladimir Putin in Russia and while there Putin takes him bear hunting...

After a few hours in the woods Trump says, "Vlad this is great but where's the washroom. I need to pee." Putin chuckles at the American city boy and says, "There's no washroom here. You just pee in the bushes." He then walks over to some bushes and starts peeing. A bear that was hiding in the bu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...