Poke Jokes - 55 Hilarious Poke Jokes

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

So unfortunately I stopped seeing her for a while.

What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

A Key.

Since we’re posting old jokes….

What’s it called when a woman pokes a hole in a condom?

A Trojan horse

Apparently, it is rude to poke somebody in the forehead

and say "skip intro" when they start talking to you ....

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

Since most jokes are reposts I may was well go with the oldest known joke in English from the 10th Century.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello Baby!!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well I can...

A Home Owner walks into his Back Yard...

And sees a gorilla in his tree. He calls the Gorilla Removal Services (GRS) and they send one of their guys over.

The man shows up with a stick, hand cuffs, a chihuahua and shot gun and goes on to explain how he'll get the Gorilla down.

GRS Guy: "I'm going to climb this tree and poke ...

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

I'm gonna open a Jamaican poke fusion resturant

Called Poke Mon

Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...

The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin.
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"...

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I poked fun at a huge rooster today.

It was a tease.

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

Old people always poke me at weddings and say: “you’re next”

So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals

What did the poke ball say to pikachu?

Catch ya later!

-via my 7 year old

What is it called when you poke someone to see if it tickles?

A test tickle.

What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?

Tap water

I'm so sorry for how stupid this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it.

What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses?

Eyerony

I was stacking rusty blocks yesterday and got poked

I went to the doctor today and he told me I had tetris.

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next".

They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

What's the best way to poke holes in an argument?

Make good points.

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

Don't run with bagpipes! You could poke an eye out.

Or even worse, get kilt.

What do you call it when you poke someone’s head on the exact spot that causes their head to explode?

Acupuncture

A husband and wife are going out for the evening...

Before going out they always put their cat out for the night.

An Uber arrives to pick up the couple and as they walk out of the house, the cat runs back inside.

The husband goes back into the house to chase the cat out, and the wife walks out to the Uber. She doesn’t want the driver to...

Boy pokes girl with a pencil

A boy sits behind a girl he likes in Catholic school and he shows it by poking her in the back with a pencil. One day during class the teacher asks:

"Who was the one that created the universe?"

The boy pokes the girl with his pencil and she jumps up and says:

"Oh God!"

Af...

I just poked myself in the eyes...

I can't see myself doing that again anytime soon.

During an exam, a student pokes the guy next to him and whispers, "pssst... is C the chemical symbol for chlorine?"

He whispers back, "Na, Cl you idiot!".

"OK thanks..." replies the student, "but why so salty?"

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What do you call a deer if you poke its eyes out?

No eye deer.
And if you cut off its legs?
Still no eye deer.
And if you cut off its ?
Still, no fuggin eye deer

I understand that some people don't like when I poke fun at God or religion

but, it's always been a blasphemy!

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There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

Why didn't Joan of Arc ever poke fun at her friends?

Because she knew they'd roast her

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

What did the emotional man say when he got poked?

'I am touched'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was hiking in the woods with the famed scatologist, Diedre Oppings,

when we came across a brown mass.

"Bear?", I asked.

"No, clearly canine," she replied. She poked at it with a stick. "I think, a cocker spaniel mix, with..." She took a deep sniff. "Ah yes, poodle."

"You mean...?"

"Yes," she replied. "It's cocker poodle doo."

What did Meowth say when he found out that people have been reposting the same joke with different pokemon?

>!Meowth . . . !<

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

How do you make a Venetian blind?

You poke him in the eyes.

In the future, wars are fought on a budget

The world economy ensures there are no weapons at all. A man signs up for his country’s army. He gets to training camp. The sergeant hands him a piece of wood shaped like a rifle, with a rubber bayonet on the end.

‘Right, men! This is the new war tactics. You point your rifle at the enemy a...

A family of moles

A family of moles awakens from hibernation. The father mole pokes his head out of the hole and says "I smell tulips it must be spring". The mother mole pokes her head out of the hole and says " I smell cherry blossoms it must be spring". The baby mole is trying to squeeze between his parents but get...

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then the...

My buddy was into medieval things, so I asked if he had ever been poked by a lance,

He said "no but I was once lightly caressed by a Stephen"

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge ...

How do you wake up a charizard in Jamaica?

You Poke-em, Mon!

(This is probably super stereotypical, I apologize for any offense.)

Disturbance in church

A priest talks to a man who visits church religiously every sunday with his wife. The wife tends to fall asleep during his monologue and starts snoring rather loudly, and he'd like the husband to do something about it. They decide to use a knitting needle, where the husband would poke her when the p...

She rolled over and looked at me very seductively and said "I want you to make me scream by using your fingers"....

So I poked her in the eye.

How do you tell if Lady Gaga is alive

You pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-poke her face

A man is watching the news

and the news anchor says that a gorilla has escaped the local zoo. Crikey the man thinks to himself as he spots a gorilla in his garden tree. He calls the zoo who send an animal catcher to come get the gorilla. He rolls into the driveway in a large van. He opens the van door and inside he has a poli...

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

You pokemon. (Poke him on)

I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.

I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".

I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.

Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".

How to make a woman scream with just two fingers...

Poke her in the eyes

Why is pubic hair curly ?

If it was straight you could poke your eye out !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

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