I'm starting a Christmas themed thrash band.

Thinking of calling it Sleigher.

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A prostitute walks into a judge's chamber.

Looking clearly a case of physical assault the judge gave her a seat and asks , "Dear. You look battered. What happened? "

She replied, " I was with one of my clients. We had a really good time and then he thrashed me like this."

The judge asked her to explain what happened with all th...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

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Bar joke

Man walks into a bar with an octopus, bartender asks him to leave, man says "this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument in the world", bartender says "if thats true not only can you stay but your drinks are free". Man sits down and the bartender passes a flute, sure enough the octopus ...

There used to be big 5 of thrash metal!

One was Suicidal.

Did you hear about the guy who got an award for taking down a thrash band selling drugs?

He got a metal mettle medal for metal meddle.

I was peacefully making an unboxing video when suddenly everybody around started thrashing me.

Guess nobody knows the trend around here at the funeral.

My hearing impaired son has finally come up with a name for his own thrash metal band.

Megadeaf.

I got thrashed for RSVP'ing a wedding invite,

Apparently "maybe next time" wasn't a good reply.

Nancy Pelosi just thrashed Trump over this shut-down business.

But Stormy Daniels showed us that Trump likes getting spanked by a woman.

"Another mans thrash is another mans treasure"

Apparently this is not a good way for saying you are adopted to your kid

An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of the sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:...

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A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"

The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."

"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the ...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

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Two nude statues...

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."

The woman looks at ...

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

The Queen of England is on a cruise

When they see Christiano Ronaldo thrashing for help in the middle of the ocean, being violently attacked by a great white shark.

But before she can have her staff do anything, a speedboat comes by, and in it is Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez! They pull up to the shark and hit it with paddles ti...

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The Magic Fish

A man is fishing on a lake when he catches a fish.

The fish says to the fisherman, "I'm a magic fish! I since you caught me I have to grant a wish ...But only on one condition."

The fisherman asks what the condition is.

"In order to grant your wishes I need to swim up int...

A Redditor, an Italian, a French man, an American and a foreign worker are on a boat...

The captain sets sail with just enough space for each of them and their belongings.

They make good progress the first few days through clear waters. A few nights later however, they wake up in the middle of a thrashing storm.

The boat's progress is halted and they can no longer move. ...

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More Golf Jokes...

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow b...

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Two guys go to the river Nile

1: "Yo bro, lets cool off in the river"

2: "Hmm nah dude im good"

1: "Awh come on man, you aren't scared of a little water are you?"

2: "Um n-no, im not, alright lets do it"

So they both swim out into the river, but the 2nd man starts to struggle and thrash around
...

A man gets drunk...

and stumbles straight into a baptism being performed on the river bank.

The priest asks the man, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk agrees, and the priest dunks him into the water. The drunk is gasping for air.

'Have you found Jesus, Brother?'

'No mate, I haven't'...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

Parrots and Chickens

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One d...

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Another one from my college professor...

In a small park, there is a fountain with two nude statues. A man and woman

One day, an angel comes down and says to the statues:

"For your many years of long-standing beauty and service to society, I will bring you to life for 30 minutes."

The statues hear this and spring to li...

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The Japanese golfer joke from Harry Potter (NSFW)

An American goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The...

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Joe walks into a bar ...

One afternoon Joe walked into a bar he had never been in before. The bartender asked him "What will it be?". Joe said "Long Island, please." While Joe was waiting for his drink he spotted a giant glass jar full of money on display behind the bar. When the bartender brought him his drink Joe asked...

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.

They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the ...

A blonde a brunette and a redhead go on a hunting trip

They stay together in a cabin deep in the woods.

On the first day the brunette goes out hunting and returns back to the cabin with a buck.

The blonde and the brunette are shocked and ask, “How’d you kill a buck!??”

The brunette replied, “I saw the tracks. I followed the track...

There was this epileptic Roman ruler...

...who was prone to occasional fits. He was also very self-conscious about it. One day, one of his guards (who also suffered from epilepsy) went into convulsions in the hall while the monarch was eating dinner.

Assuming that the man was mocking him, the dictator furiously ordered him to be t...

A man was sitting in a pub

As a man with a swollen eye and bloody nose walks up to the bar and gives the bartender a $50 bill.

Behind the bar he sees the bartender put the $50 bill in a large jar full of money and the man leaves.

He asks the bartender about the jar of money and the bartender says "oh that's th...

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Statues in the park

In a city park there are two statues facing each other, one of a man, the other of a woman, both naked. One day an angel comes down from heaven and says to them "You both have endured so many years in peaceful repose. As your reward, I will grant you an hour of life to do what you most desire." With...

Two men are out on a hike...

Two men are out on a hike on the mountain. As they are coming down from the top, the clouds turn black and it starts thrashing down with rain. They throw their coats over their heads and run to the one man's house as fast as they could. They get back and dry themselves off.

The rain continues...

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A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 7 year old, “I think it's about time we started swearing”....

The 5 year old nods his approval. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?”.
“Ok” the younger one agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
“Oh, bollocks mum, I guess I'll ...

I'll never forget the Christmas Eve my father went to jail.

It didn't take long before he got violent, abusive, screaming and thrashing around, smearing feces on the walls...

I'll never play Monopoly with him again.

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The Italian Stallion and more

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired...

Oliver Twist steps up to the master and says...

"Please Sir. I want some more."
The master leans over the table and glowers down at the boy. "Everyday you ask for more, and everyday you get a thrashing for it. Now tell me boy, is the gruel really that good?"
"No Sir, but I love the thrashing."

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A man is lost in the forest and stumbles upon a hotel.

Tired, lost and hungry; a John has been wandering through the woods for what has felt like days. He stumbles upon a strange house and feels a deep sense of relief as he notices a light is on.

He knocks and a peculiar looking old man opens the door.

"Please. Please. I am lost and hungry...

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Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

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FREE BEER FOR LIFE!

A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall behind the bartender that reads: "FREE BEER FOR LIFE.. just ask your bartender how." Not paying much attention the guy walks over to the bar and orders a drink. After a half hour or so of having a few beers to himself he decides he's going to ask...

John and Bill decide to play some golf one morning...

...and they're not very good. So bad, that old ladies start passing them before they hit the back nine.

At the sixteenth hole, they're both playing from the rough after their first strokes.

Waiting at the tee box they see a skinny bearded man. "Mind if I play ahead?", the man asks.
...

There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets.

One day he held a party and came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.

Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the...

A scuba diver is bobbing around on the surface,

waiting to be picked up by the support boat. The boat approaches and the diver swims towards the ladder. Suddenly, there's a huge commotion, the diver is thrashed back and forth like a rag doll, the water looks like it's boiling and then starts turning red as the rest of the diver group and crew on ...

So, a piece of string walks into a bar...

... And asks for a glass of water, and the bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve string." So, the string, furious with himself, storms out, angry. He starts thrashing around and pulling at himself, until he finds himself all tattered and tangled. He walks back into the bar, again, and asks for a dri...

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A great Vacation

One day, at little Hill mental institution in NY, nurse Nancy was making her rounds and checking on the patients. She comes to Bob's room and takes a peek inside to make sure everything is alright. Bob is folding all of his clothes and everything in his room is laid out neatly on the bed. Being unus...

Three strings are going out drinking...

But sadly, they live in a world where strings aren't allowed to drink. They are tired of this lifestyle, however, and they want to have their drinks no matter what, so they head out to the local bars. At the first bar they come to, they try to be straight up about it. The strings walk up to the b...

An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep h...

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