UPJOKE
liptonguejawverbalizebuccal cavityteethopeningfacebeakmouthpiecelipsgobcheekspeakchatter

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag
of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green
light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arriv...

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A man on the street said I look like I have a penis in my mouth when I vape

So I took my Personal Electronic Nicotine Inhalation System and left.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

You know when you have a dentist appointment so you brush your teeth extra to have a clean mouth?

Well, I have a prostate exam coming up. Now I need a new toothbrush.

I accidentally got body spray in my mouth

Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

If it's one thing you don't have to worry about keeping out of your mouth...

it's Jada Pinkett Smith's hair.

A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

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A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

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A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant

He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my ri...

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

The New Secretary

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he though...

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. I picked up a girl in a bar the other night and we went back to her place. We started making out and getting naked. I went down and started munching on that pussy and got a piece of corn in my mouth.

.. I didn’t think to much of it, just threw over my shoulder and went on eating. Then I got a green bean in my mouth. I like green beans, I just ate it and went back down. Then I got a piece of asparagus in my mouth. That was to much. I hate asparagus. I looked up at her and said,”God damn woman, ar...

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

Why do hipsters always burn their mouths?

They eat their food before it gets cool!

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

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Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

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A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Wel...

Why'd the Hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

Before you bad mouth someone, walk a mile in his shoes

That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.

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Once a month, I have a woman in my mouth.

Hands, latex, sometimes metal, I have no preference. In fact, I even sometimes let men do it to me too, either one works. They use me for an hour or so, putting their shit in my mouth, and complaining about my tongue technique, until they finally just finish, and send me on my way. I have to admit, ...

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A vampire bat flies back to the roost with his face and mouth covered in blood.

All the other bats got excited and asked where he got it. "Follow me" he says. They flew over hills, a river and a dark forest.

See that tree over there? "Yes, yes" the others excitedly answered.

"Well I fucking didn't!!!".

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

Thuperheroeth

A guy was walking down the street when he glanced down an alley and saw that it was almost entirely demolished. In the center of the rubble laid a man with all his teeth missing and blood pouring from his mouth.

The bystander ran up to the injured man. "What happened?"

"Well, I wath ...

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

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Are you a cigarette ?

Because you’re smoking hot and I want to put your butt in my mouth.

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

Sending a message to mom

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,

\- "I don’t have any money... but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks,
...

I was told that you catch more fish if you put maggots in your mouth for 5m before attaching them to your rod. Is this true?

I await your replies with baited breath.

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A man goes with a hooker…

“How much is it to do it at my place?” “It’s 500, but you come to my place instead.”

The man agrees. When they arrive, the hooker shows him the entire apartment complex and tells him: “See all these apartments? I bought them with this mouth!”

The man is amazed, and as they pass by to...

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

So it’s bad manners for a person to talk with food in their mouth…

Is it also bad manners for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands?

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

2 tourists are driving through Wales...

They stop for lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerchwndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

As they sit down for lunch, one of the tourists asks the waitress:

"Can you settle an argument for us please? Can you pronounce the name of where we are, right now, very slowly?"

The waitress leans...

Singing in the showers Is great until you get soap in your mouth

Then it's a soap opera

A penguin in the desert

A penguin is driving through the desert when all of the sudden his car starts spewing smoke from under the hood and slows down. He manages to drive it to a small desert town and sees an auto mechanic’s shop and pulls in. The mechanic tells him he’s a little busy but can take a look at his car in a...

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A guy goes into a bar...

and says to the bartender, " Give me 5 shots, I'm celebrating my first blowjob

The bartender pours the shots and says, "How about a 6th one free on me?

The guy says. "Nah, if 5 shots won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will"

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

Lawyer goes hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I ...

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A young Spanish teacher, fresh out of college, is hired at a public school.

On her first day, the principal decides to observe, and sits down next to Little Johnny. She starts writing a sentence in Spanish on the board. As she does, a piece of chalk breaks and she bends down to pick it up. When she finishes writing her sentence, she asks, "Now, kids, who can translate this ...

Melissa's parrot was a horribly, horribly foul-mouthed bird-

One day, after having this parrot for a while, she's finally gotten fed up with listening to the darn thing cursing at her all the time, and so she takes the \*\^$@!! thing to the vet.

The vet tells her, "Look, Melissa, I had a parrot in here a while back that had the same problem as yours- I...

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

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My smart ass mouth always gets me in trouble.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who was a dwarf, approached
aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered,
"OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?" ...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

naive young nan.

A very naive young man is going out with a more experienced woman, after three dates, all he has done is kiss her, finally, she says to him, “do you want to see my other mouth”?

He says, “you have got another mouth?”

She says, “yes, want to see it?”

He says, “OK”

So, sh...

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Asks to speak to the manager...

A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over.

She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.
The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”
By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in h...

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A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers

He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing.
He turn and ...

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

Will Smith...

Should worry less about whose mouth his wife's name is in, and more about who's in his wife's mouth.

At the barbershop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

\- "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

\- "Just place this between your chee...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run faster...... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Do you remember president Clinton’s intern Monica? She’s now republican.

Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

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A dejected young man boarded a bus and moped up the driver, paid his fair, and trudged to a seat.

The driver tried to cheer him up, "what's wrong mate? you having a bad day? cheer up lad, things'll brighten up" The younger bloke nodded and grimaced a smile, and began to tell the driver of his woe. "I'm 24 and I'm a virgin, I'm not attractive and it
never just seemed to work out with girls, s...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got...

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I once made the mistake of making fun of a Florida man's wife; he walked up, slapped me in the face, and said...

KEEP MY COUSIN'S NAME OUT YO FUCKIN MOUTH!

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

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Foul mouthed parrot

An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.

So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.

As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder ...

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A psycho cannibal is trying to eat your wife . What would u say ?

Keep my wife out of your fuckin mouth

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

How do you open a locked door with your mouth?

Communication is key

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.”

The teacher says, “That is correct, but why?”

Little Johnny answers, “I don't know, but my m...

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

how does a cow wash its mouth??

using a moo-thwash.

sorry. if you did nto like it..
i got this idea while i was .... showering.. thought to share with you all.

How many influencers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to unscrew it and the other to put it in their mouth and see if they can pull it out.

Why was the bride so quiet on her wedding night ?

She was taught never to talk with her mouth full

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Parrot, Monkey and Lizard sits in a tree somewhere in the jungle, smoking a joint.

After a while of blazing it up, Lizard starts struggling with cotton mouth, and says he needs to go drink some water down at the creek.

Stumbling up to the creek, Lizard starts drinking water like his life depends on it, bloodshot eyes and giggling all along.

Crocodile spots him and s...

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A little old Italian man goes to the US patent office.

He sits patiently in the waiting room with a small brown bag in his lap. After about an hour, a young man greets him and invites him into the office.

The worker asks the gentleman why he was there. The Italian man says, “ima gonna show you sumtig. You gonna love it!”.

He opens the bag...

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

How can you tell if a stage is level?

There’s drool coming out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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There are 3 Vampires hanging out in the woods…

The first vampire tells the other 2 “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After that, the firs...

What goes in mouth dry and hard and come out soft and sticky?

Chewing gum

A Canadian joke..

Three guys are fishing on lake Simcoe, and drinking a bit. After a while they fall asleep in the sun and the booze. After a while they wake up to realize, Bob is missing. "He must have fallen overboard!" Says Joe. "I'll jump in", says Gary.
After a few minutes Gary brings a body up to the boa...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

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A young man walks into a bar and orders ten whiskeys...

The bartender is skeptical, but obliges. He lines the shot glasses up and pours the whiskey. The man then downs all ten shots one after the other, with no pause.

"What's the occasion," asks the bartender.

"My first blowjob," replies the young man.

The bartender smiles. "Well, ...

Just came back from visiting another man, he put a long object in my mouth and now my throat hurts badly...

God I hate COVID-19 tests.

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Due to sanctions, people have to queue down for food in Russia these days…

One young man is in line, waiting for eggs, when everybody starts to leave the line—it’s been announced that they are out of eggs.

“Damn,” he remarks, “I remember when they didn’t run out of eggs.”

He moves on, of course, and lines up to buy bread. He waits, and waits, but again the li...

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Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

What's a long, hard, mouthful that a Polish woman gets on her wedding night?

A Polish surname

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Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

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What’s the difference between dildos and tofu?

I can put a dildo in my mouth without gagging.

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Mouths are the new boobs.

Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

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Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

Man wakes up

Man wakes up after a heavy night with a girl that he does not know next to him, He sits up in bed before going to the bathroom, when he looks in the mirror he sees a piece of string hanging out of the corner of his mouth. He says to himself, : Dear God please let it be a tea bag:

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

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The Human mouth is amazing. It can suck, blow, create a vacuum , is water tight....

And can create and infinite amount of shit!

A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"I heard you the first time," says the patient. "You didn't need to say it the second time."

"I didn't," says the dentist. "That was my echo."

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A man tells his friend, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.

“She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

The next day, his buddy as...

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A small person with a speech impediment was thinking about purchasing a mare for his stable.

He heads over to the ranch and asks the rancher if he could inspect the horse before he bought her. The two of them head into the stables and the rancher brings the mare out of her stall. The buyer does a walk around, inspecting the hooves and legs, before looking around for a stool. Seeing none, he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Doctor: The mouth surgery was successful

Doctor: You just can’t speak for a few days.

Patient: thanks so much, doc!

Doctor: don’t mention it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

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