UPJOKE
liptonguejawverbalizeoral cavitybuccal cavityverbaliseteethopeningfacebeakmouthpiecelipsgobcheek

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.”

The teacher says, “That is correct, but why?”

Little Johnny answers, “I don't know, but my m...

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

Did you hear about the hipster who burned his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

I went to a restaurant and the waiter threw my steak into my mouth

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Kobe beef

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mouths are the new boobs.

Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.

What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

About one U.S Leader.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Foul Mouthed Parrots

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....

Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera.

My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me...

I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Pennsylvania, you legally cannot catch a fish with your mouth...

...but that doesn’t stop me from eating pussy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Should have kept his mouth shut.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I dissolved a Viagra in my mouth just to see what would happen. I didn't get an erection,...

...but I did tell a few people some hard truths.

My wife told me she was going to do something to me with her mouth that would make me scream.

Turns out she meant she was going to testify against me in open court.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Where do potty-mouthed Eastern Europeans come from?

Vulgaria

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend recently asked me if i'd rather have an orgasm each time I hear All Star by Smash Mouth, or hear said song each time I have an orgasm.

I told them the choice is irrelevant as I already do both. Not even sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers

He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing.
He turn and ...

I saw my dog carrying a dead rabbit in its mouth.

I recognized that the rabbit came from my neighbor. I didn't want the neighbor to get mad at me because my dog killed their rabbit so I took the rabbit from the dog and snuck it back into it's cage so it would look like it just died there.

Later I heard my neighbor screaming so I asked what's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

Did you hear about the baby French royal who couldn't get milk into his own mouth?

Bottle-nosed dauphin

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

I bet you can’t breath loudly with your mouth open and tongue out

Good dog!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

A lady and her foul mouthed bird

So a lady just recently lost her husband and is feeling lonely, so she decided to get a pet, she goes to the pet store and gets a parrot, she bring a it home and it keeps saying the most awful rude and hateful things, she goes back to the pet store and tells the manager, “Hey, my bird is saying such...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between dildos and tofu?

I can put a dildo in my mouth without gagging.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Owing to fog a steamer stopped at the mouth of a river.

An old lady inquired of the captain the cause of the delay.

"Can't see up the river," replied the officer.

"But, captain, I can see the stars overhead," she argued.

"Yes," said the captain gruffly, "but until the boiler busts we ain't a-goin' that way."



Source: 19...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Foul mouthed parrot

An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.

So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.

As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder ...

A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree, when a lizard walks past..

The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

Two mischievous boys, aged 8 and 10, are known for causing all sorts of trouble in their town. Their mother, hoping to discipline them, asks a preacher to speak to them. The preacher agrees, but he asks to see the boys individually.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sits the younger boy down and asks sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth drops open, he doesn’t respond but sits there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeats the question in an even sterner tone, "Where...

I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

I used to live a hand to mouth existence.

Then somebody told me about silverware.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?

Fucking ugly

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.


She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman picks up a guy at a bar... Nsfw

And takes him back to her place. They start to get busy and he goes down on her. After a couple minutes he feels a piece of rice in his mouth but in his horny state just decides to spit it out and continue. A few minutes later he feels a pea in his mouth but once again decides to spit it out and go ...

how does a cow wash its mouth??

using a moo-thwash.

sorry. if you did nto like it..
i got this idea while i was .... showering.. thought to share with you all.

Why was the bride so quiet on her wedding night ?

She was taught never to talk with her mouth full

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

The Doctor and the Rich Man

An immigrant doctor decided to start his own clinic one day.
He put a sign in front of it that says if he can't cure your illness, he'll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good opportunity to earn 100 bu...

Foul Mouthed Parrot

One day a woman was walking by a pet store and the parrot call out as she approaches "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" The woman is irritated but keeps walking.

The next day, the woman walks past the same store and the parrot again calls out "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" as the woman draws nea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie jus...

Why do hipsters always burn their mouths?

They eat their food before it gets cool!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My smart ass mouth always gets me in trouble.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who was a dwarf, approached
aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered,
"OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

I saw a Battle Droid push a foul-mouthed clone trooper off a cliff....

...he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A koala bear is smoking a blunt in a tree

A lizard comes along and says “what are you doing?”. The koala bear says “I’m getting high man”. The lizard responds “what do you mean?”…. Rather than explain it to the lizard the koala bear convinces him to partake of the blunt.

Shortly after partaking, the lizard says to the koala “dude my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

Another Jewish mother...

A Jewish guy calls his mother in Florida.

"Hi, Mom. How have you been?"

"Not so good. I've been feeling weak."

"Weak? Why are you feeling weak?"

"I haven't eaten for 28 days!"

"Twenty-eight days?! Why? What's wrong?"

"I didn't want my mouth to be full of foo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

 

Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you a cigarette ?

Because you’re smoking hot and I want to put your butt in my mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keep Your Mouth Shut!!

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actua...

A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

What do you tell someone who has just stuck a gun in your mouth?

It's difficult to say

Melissa's parrot was a horribly, horribly foul-mouthed bird-

One day, after having this parrot for a while, she's finally gotten fed up with listening to the darn thing cursing at her all the time, and so she takes the \*\^$@!! thing to the vet.

The vet tells her, "Look, Melissa, I had a parrot in here a while back that had the same problem as yours- I...

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

Two men are walking down the street when a dog that's foaming at the mouth viciously bites one of them, then runs off...

"Oh my god!" cries the other man. "That dog must have rabies!"

"Rabies?" says the bitten man. Looking frightened and shaky, he takes a notepad and a pen out of his pocket and starts to scribble something down.

"Wait!" says his friend, "We can get you tested and vaccinated for rabies i...

To the people who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

You make me sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.