As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

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"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

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The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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Did you know that when you say the word “poop”, your mouth does the same motion as your bum hole?

The same is true for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea”.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl...

He never slept on the train with his mouth open again...

What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and better if it vibrates?

A toothbrush

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

How did the hipster burn his mouth from hot chocolate?

He drank it before it was cool.

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."

"Why?" her son replied.

"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"

The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops e...

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

My wife told me she was going to do something to me with her mouth that would make me scream.

Turns out she meant she was going to testify against me in open court.

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "

Every time I open my mouth

some idiot starts talking.

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

So my girlfriend told me to stop singing ‘I’m a believer’ by Smash mouth, at first I thought she was joking...

...but then I saw her face

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Perfectly harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth

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Unscrew the light bulb and I will let you put it into my mouth

A young couple takes an elevator ride with an elderly lady. The horny girl tells her boyfriend, 'If you unscrew the light bulb I will let you put it into my mouth'. The guy smirks and they get off on their floor.

The elderly lady relates the encounter to one of her friends saying:

'You...

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

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Billy has had bad luck with women in general but to top it off, he also has this obscure fetish where he likes to piss in his s/o’s mouth. So he decides to give tinder a go.

Luckily for Billy, he got a few matches.

His matches didn’t initially know about his fetish, he wanted to disclose that information as things got more frisky.

One by one Billy took his matches on a date which eventually led to them going to his bed. Upon reaching his bed, he’d ask th...

I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

What do you call a lycanthrope with a potty mouth?

A swearwolf!

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A girl asked me if I wanted her to look in my eyes when she put it in her mouth.

I told her just to blow in the fucking breathalizer already.

I have six eyes, 2 mouths and three ears, What am I?

Ugly

My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water.

He must think I'm some kind of mug.

Just got my braces off and now my mouth looks like a klan rally!

White and straight!

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut c...

If you wanna find the band Smash Mouth in the Bible,

Just open your Bible to Psalm... BODY ONCE TOLD ME

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a steak on the BBQ?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water...

Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

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A man is in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. (NSFW)

"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it w...

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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when ...

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Should have kept his mouth shut.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a ...

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't learn the correct Smash Mouth lyrics.

And then I looked at her head.

I'm having a party in my mouth.

Want to come?

What starts with a B, ends with a B, and finishes in your mouth?

Honey

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

What’s hard and dry at first but once out in a mouth turns soft, wet and sticky?

Gum

I thought I had a hair in my mouth...

But it was all in my head.

I hate tongue, I won't eat something that was in an animal's mouth.

Now excuse me while I eat my eggs.

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

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I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the subway with my mouth open

What do you call that red stain around a shark's mouth?

Residude.

Three vampire bats had a bet to see who could come back with the most blood, first bat comes back, nothing second bat also comes back nothing, third bat takes off and later returns with blood oozing out of his mouth, the other bats say where did you get all that blood? He replies, see that tree.

Well I didn't.

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Me: Would you poop in my mouth for $100?

My Friend: Yeah, sure

Me: Damn, I thought we were friends

I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please ...

I hate people who don’t cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

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How do you tell a polician's mouth from his anus?

He will wipe his anus after it's done spewing shit.

I found my dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead and I panicked

I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blow dried its fur and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house hoping they would think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"

I said, "Um.....

I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again.

I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

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A man is having sex with his wife.

He says "How about I cum in your ear baby?"

His wife replies "No way! I'll go deaf!"

He says "That would never happen. I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty years and you never shut the fuck up."

This girl kept on putting her hands in my mouth

She also said I have no cavities

What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

1 U.S. Liter.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

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Three nuns

Three nuns, of the Immaculate conception nunnery were called in the office of the Chief Priest.

Priest said to them : I heard some rumors about your indecent behaviour with some men. But God is merciful and will forgive you if you come clean. He then asks the first nun to confess. «Father I ...

What do you call the fleshy-mouth things on Manta Rays?

Manta-bles

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

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Light travels faster than sound,

which is why some people appear bright until they open their fucking mouths