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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but l...

To the people who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

You make me sick.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

I'm a foul-mouthed dude but I'm still an honest dude.

I swear.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

What is six inches long, fits in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates?

A toothbrush, you perverts.

Why do electricians periodically call their parents just to bad mouth them?

So they stay grounded.

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

I put a chair in my mouth

It tasted like sit.

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

Do you want me to look into your eyes when you put it in my mouth?

**Officer:** Ma'am, please... just blow into the breathalyzer.

I have four eyes, three noses, five mouths and seven ears. What am I?

Ugly

A doctor was fed up with his job. A patient walked in with a terrible sore on his mouth. He asked the doctor what he should take. The doctor said

“Aleve. The doors over there.”
*(credit: gf)*

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What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth?

Albert Einstein’s dick

What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates?

.

.

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.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..



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.

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A toothbrush. Come on.

Sorry i sprayed that WD40 in your mouth...

But it DID stop that noise that you were making.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One U.S. Leader

I love these balls, they squirt in my mouth.

These bagel bites are so good.

-credit to my wife

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

- Trojan wall guards, probably.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

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Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

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I finally open-mouth kissed AND got blown by a girl today!

But my asshole friends insist it's called CPR!

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Was in the pub a few months ago with my mate and these 4 huge bastards starting mouthing off at us.

"Pretend we're the Police" my mate said

I only got two lines into the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

My uncle always told me, “Keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open.”

Sorry I got those backwards.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

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I came home early yesterday to catch my son with some guy’s cock in his mouth.

Hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.

What do you call someone with 6 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears?

Ugly

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Jack an Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy

Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

Everyone bad mouths my friend Joe.

They keep calling him average and sloppy for some reason.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of na...

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Sperm count

A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as cle...

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What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

Why can't you trust anything that comes out of a duck's mouth?

Because they're all quacks

Which writing style should come with a mouth censor?

Cursive writing

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

The...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, ...

A boys mouth is hurting and it’s determined that be needs to get his wisdom teeth out

He and his dad go in tot eh dentist, the dentist puts him under with some laughing gas and gets the procedure done.
When he awakes the boy is sore from the procedure, “ugh I feel like I just got into a fight”

The dad responds
Yea some dentist knocked you out.

What does a zombie get when it bites a ghost?

A mouthful of sheet

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A Guy sits down at a bar and orders one shot after another of whiskey.

Bartender- So, what's the big occasion tonight?

Guy- I'm celebrating my first blow job!

Bartender- That's great! But you need to slow down on the shots!

Guy- I can't, I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

So i was at the barbershop the other day.

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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What's difference between excess and surplus? [NSFW]

Excess: The part of the boob which does't fit in your mouth


Surplus: The second boob

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

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It's little Johnny's first day of a new school. His mum takes the teacher aside and says "unfortunately my ex had a terrible mouth on him, so Johnny swears every other word, try not to let him speak in class". That day they're doing the alphabet...

The teacher says "Who has a word that starts with A?" and little Johnny's hand goes straight up. Teacher thinks 'oh no, lot's of A words he might say' and chooses someone else.


"Who has a word starting with B?" and once again Johnny's hand shoots up. This carries on for every letter u...

I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

I was once afflicted with with a terrible bout of dry mouth...

The doctors could do nothing to help and my future was looking dim. My food had long since been rendered flavorless and eating became a chore, until I met a man who said he was sent by god to cure my ailment. I was skeptical but desperate, willing to try anything.

I asked him "How much?" and...

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

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Why does M&Ms prefer blowjobs over handjobs?

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a ...

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The man and the crocodile

A man walked into a bar that was offering a £10,000 reward for anyone who completed a 3 part challenge. The man was homeless and poor so agreed to the challenge. The bar owner explained all he had to do was 10 shots, then head out back where he had to remove the sore tooth from a crocodiles mouth. F...

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

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A man walks into a bar. Slams his hand on the bar and screams "All lawyers are assholes!"....

Angrily, another patron gets up and yells back "Watch your mouth! That is offensive to me!"

The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an asshole???!!!"

The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer!"

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

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My 12 year old nephew told me this joke..

I have a green ball in my left hand and a green ball in my right hand.. What else do I have?

The hulk's dick in my mouth!

Cracked me up, he's really posh so was totally unexpected!

So my girlfriend told me to stop singing ‘I’m a believer’ by Smash mouth, at first I thought she was joking...

...but then I saw her face

Every time I open my mouth

some idiot starts talking.

Why doesn't Oedipus use profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop playing Wonderwall by Oasis on the guitar. And I said...

"Hey now, you're an--" and she smashed me in the mouth.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "

When I get rich I’ll start to collect French impressionist art.

I’ll put my Monet where my mouth is.

My wife told me she was going to do something to me with her mouth that would make me scream.

Turns out she meant she was going to testify against me in open court.

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $30." "

Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator. ...

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

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A hiker in Scotland stops to drink from a stream.

Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!"

The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the she...

If you have a green ball in your left hand, a green ball in your right hand, what have you got?

The Hulk's d\*ck in your mouth.

A ladu goes to the dentist..

...he looks in her mouth and says "that tooth needs to come out".

She says "oh no I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled".

He says "ok but make up your mind I need to adjust the chair"

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Billy has had bad luck with women in general but to top it off, he also has this obscure fetish where he likes to piss in his s/o’s mouth. So he decides to give tinder a go.

Luckily for Billy, he got a few matches.

His matches didn’t initially know about his fetish, he wanted to disclose that information as things got more frisky.

One by one Billy took his matches on a date which eventually led to them going to his bed. Upon reaching his bed, he’d ask th...

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

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3 prostitutes were drinking in a bar

After a few too many drinks the women began to boast about how much they can fit inside themselves.

The first woman took a sip of her drink and proceeded to push her fist up to her wrist into her pussy, confident that she had won the competition she sat back and smiled.

The second woma...

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long.

The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he un...

What do you call a lycanthrope with a potty mouth?

A swearwolf!

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