UPJOKE
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Just some little maths. Solve carefully: 230 - 220 x 0.5

The answer is 5!

Why are Red Neck murder cases so Hard to Solve?

Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no Dental Records.

I don't mean to brag, but I solved a puzzle in 10 minutes...

Even though the box said 2-4 years.

A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, “I know, I’ll solve it with threads!”

has Now problems. two he

How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with a pencil.

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

Do you know what grade sherlock Holmes was in when he solved his first case?

Elementary my dear!

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

How do quesadillas solve crimes?

They take them ques by ques

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

I wanted to solve world hunger...

So I wiped out a small European nation. Thanks to my actions, there are now no more Hungary people left in the world.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Drinking alcohol doesn't solve any problems.

But then again, neither does drinking milk.

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A New Suit

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem....

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

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Always pay your doctors !

So, the queen was extremely beautiful and everyone wanted to be with her . A minister who fantasised about her too often , one day met with the royal doctor and told him of his fantasy : that he wanted to fuck the queen . The doctor thought about it for a moment and said alright I’ll arrange somethi...

I saw a book on Amazon titled “How to Solve 50% of your life’s problems.”

Naturally I ordered two copies.

The new Itit a speaker breast implant.

It will finally solve the problem of men starring at women's breast and not listening to them.

What do you call two Orthodox Jewish brothers who solve mysteries?

The Haredi Boys

My doctor gave me six month to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

3 men die and head to the gates of heaven

One is a mathematician. One is a philosopher. One is a lawyer. St. Peter is there to determine if he will let them in. He tells all three men he is going to ask them a question and that if they get it correct they will enter heaven.

He pulls the mathematician into a room and asks him: “What ...

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

This is a good joke to play on others. Pretend you're trying to solve a crossword puzzle- and say aloud "Postman -blank-. Any ideas?"

They'll likely say something like "Postman Pat" to which you reply- "no that doesn't fit.".

Then- if they're not completely thick- they should ask "How many letters?" and you tell 'em "A SACKFUL!"

Then they'll leave in disgust.

How do you solve a marsupial argument?

Trial by wombat

My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems

God answered his prayers.

My uncle's funeral is next week.

How does Al Gore solve math problems?

He uses an Al-Gore-ithm

What’s one thing that can solve both world hunger and overpopulation?

Cannibalism.

The CEO of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin.

“Mr Putin! I noticed you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the colors of your flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you’d put a Coca-Cola logo in the corner, we’d solve all your financial troubles for the next five years.”

Putin puts the CEO ...

A man buys 2 books called "How to Solve 50% of your problem" so he could solve %100

His friend calls him a moron, saying,





"You could have read it twice!"

Biden wanted to know if Putin was still alive...

Putin himself decided to send Biden a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Biden opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of a coded message.





370HSSV-0773H





Biden was baffled, so he emailed it to John Ke...

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

I found a way to solve the Gif vs Jif debate.

Just pray to Jod and Gesus for resolution.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

After persuading Adam and Eve to eat the Forbidden Fruit, the Serpent decides to ask God something

"Hey, God, I just ruined Adam and Eve's lives! I got them to eat the Fruit that you specifically asked them not to eat!"

"Ok."

"I gotta ask though, why did you not want to them to eat it? Why do you care if they have knowledge of Good and Evil? Is it because you want to be the only one...

Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

How did the chief of police solve his fly infestation problem?

He called the SWAT team

Prepare three envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things...

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

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Error

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "...

My girlfriend says that I never solve my own problems.

How do I prove her wrong?

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are interviewing for a cryptanlyst position. To understand how they approach a problem, the interviewer asks each of them to solve one plus one.

The mathematician responds first, and says, "It is trivial to prove that a unique solution exists." The physicist goes next, and says "The answer will virtually always lie between 1.99 and 2.01." And finally, engineer says, "It looks to be about two, but let's play it safe and call it three."

£20 will solve the problem

There was a man who drank a lot. His wife said, “If you ever come home drunk again, i am going to leave you.”

Anyway, he went down to the pub and got drunk, and threw up all over himself. He said to his friend, “i cant go home, because my wife is going to leave me.”

His friend said, “t...

Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.

Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it...

How can we easily solve the world's problems?

Have the hungry eat the homeless.

I bought three sniffer dogs, to try and solve the drug problem in my area.

Thankfully, they managed to find me some.

How did the Professor of Electromagnetism solve a complicated problem?

He used inductive reasoning

A problem the Rabbi can't solve

A Jewish man goes to his Rabbi and says "Rabbi, I have a problem. My son is converting to Christianity and I can't do a thing about it." The Rabbi answers, "You know Moishe, I have the same problem. Let's go talk to the Chief Rabbi. Maybe he can help us out." So they set out to see the Chief Rabbi. ...

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

The mystery of how my luggage worked has been solved.

It was an opened and shut case.

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

I just invented a mathematical equation to solve climate change!

It’s an Al Gore ithm.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

Old Russian joke. Russia has 2 major problems: roads and idiots. One of them can be solved by a road roller...

But it's impossible to figure out what to do with roads.

What did the dancing queen use to solve her math problems?

An ABBA-cus.

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you solve climate change?

Convince Republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

You should always try and solve your problems while standing...

Cause it helps you think on your feet.

They said essential oils would solve all my problems.

I tried it but my car still won't start.

A man was looking for a unique pet...

A man was looking for a unique pet so he stopped at a pet store off the beaten path in New York City. He went inside and asked the pet shop owner to show him something different.

"Well right over here we have a magic rat. I won't tell you what it does but trust me, it is unique."

His c...

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

The way to solve the opioid problem is to legalize the drugs,

but only sell them through Comcast customer service.

A Swedish Farming Village in 1265...

...is facing a crisis. They haven't had any rain in almost 2 months. All of their crops are dead or dying, and many of the citizens are starving.

One day, Sven comes bursting into his kitchen, scooping his wife Helda into his arms and dancing with joy.

"Sven! What's gotten into you? Wh...

How many U.S. politicians does it take the solve climate change?

Trick question: U.S. politicians can't solve anything.

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples

It matched with everyone

If 56 = 7*D then how do we solve for D?

8=D

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Engineers solving a problem

A guy goes on a trip with 3 Friends; an electrical engineer, a physics engineer and an IT specialist. Few hours into the trip the car breaks down. The electrical engineer says: "Well i know this issue, there must be some problems with the electronics of this car". The physics engineer says "Of cours...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

You can't solve every problem with calculus

It has its limits

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Toilet paper hoarding mystery has been solved.

When one person sneezes nine shit themselves.

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