UPJOKE
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Just some little maths. Solve carefully: 230 - 220 x 0.5

The answer is 5!

When I was in the shop today, I saw a book that said "Guide how to solve 50% of your problems"

so I bought 2 of them

I hear the new PM has a bold plan to solve Britain's energy woes

Gaslighting.

Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...

When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Ai...

Why are Red Neck murder cases so Hard to Solve?

Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no Dental Records.

A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, “I know, I’ll solve it with threads!”

has Now problems. two he

I don't mean to brag, but I solved a puzzle in 10 minutes...

Even though the box said 2-4 years.

How did the mathematician solve his constipation problem?

He worked it out with a pencil.

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

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Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive...

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.







370HSSV-0773H






Putin was baffled, so he emailed...

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A man goes to the bar alone

After a few too many drinks he proceeds to vomit down the front of his shirt.

"Oh man, my wife bought me this shirt. She's gonna kill me!" he drunkenly blurts out.

"Relax," says the bartender. "Put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home tell your wife you were walking into ...

Do you know what grade sherlock Holmes was in when he solved his first case?

Elementary my dear!

How do quesadillas solve crimes?

They take them ques by ques

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

Drinking alcohol doesn't solve any problems.

But then again, neither does drinking milk.

I wanted to solve world hunger...

So I wiped out a small European nation. Thanks to my actions, there are now no more Hungary people left in the world.

Why did the Maths book undergo therapy?

It was because nobody could solve all its problems...


(Inspired by the original Maths book having problems joke)

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

I saw a book on Amazon titled “How to Solve 50% of your life’s problems.”

Naturally I ordered two copies.

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

What do you call two Orthodox Jewish brothers who solve mysteries?

The Haredi Boys

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

Once, there was a sailor. The captain welcomed him aboard as a new crew member...

The Sailor was just settling in when he noticed that there were no female sailors. He was a hardy young man whole needed his fill of beer, bacon, and most of all women...

So the sailor went to the captain and asked him, "Captain, there are no women aboard, and i am a man who needs lots of wom...

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A man prays to win the lottery

A down on his luck man is praying to his god.
"Dear God" he says "I've fallen on hard times, I'm having money trouble and my wife is going to leave me. Please help me win the lottery so I can solve my problems"

Suddenly his god appears in front of the man and says "I have heard your prayer...

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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems

God answered his prayers.

My uncle's funeral is next week.

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

This is a good joke to play on others. Pretend you're trying to solve a crossword puzzle- and say aloud "Postman -blank-. Any ideas?"

They'll likely say something like "Postman Pat" to which you reply- "no that doesn't fit.".

Then- if they're not completely thick- they should ask "How many letters?" and you tell 'em "A SACKFUL!"

Then they'll leave in disgust.

Consulting the Shaman

A couple had been wanting to have a child for so long and was so desperate that they consulted a Shaman hoping that he could solve their problem.

The Shaman said that they would have their first child next year, with a condition that it is accompanied by a curse... that the very first name or...

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

How do you solve a marsupial argument?

Trial by wombat

How does Al Gore solve math problems?

He uses an Al-Gore-ithm

What’s one thing that can solve both world hunger and overpopulation?

Cannibalism.

A man buys 2 books called "How to Solve 50% of your problem" so he could solve %100

His friend calls him a moron, saying,





"You could have read it twice!"

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

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A New Suit

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem....

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

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Always pay your doctors !

So, the queen was extremely beautiful and everyone wanted to be with her . A minister who fantasised about her too often , one day met with the royal doctor and told him of his fantasy : that he wanted to fuck the queen . The doctor thought about it for a moment and said alright I’ll arrange somethi...

I found a way to solve the Gif vs Jif debate.

Just pray to Jod and Gesus for resolution.

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

My doctor gave me six month to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.

The new Itit a speaker breast implant.

It will finally solve the problem of men starring at women's breast and not listening to them.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

How did the chief of police solve his fly infestation problem?

He called the SWAT team

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What do you call a constipated detective that solves cases with obvious details?

No shit sherlock.

Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it...

3 men die and head to the gates of heaven

One is a mathematician. One is a philosopher. One is a lawyer. St. Peter is there to determine if he will let them in. He tells all three men he is going to ask them a question and that if they get it correct they will enter heaven.

He pulls the mathematician into a room and asks him: “What ...

£20 will solve the problem

There was a man who drank a lot. His wife said, “If you ever come home drunk again, i am going to leave you.”

Anyway, he went down to the pub and got drunk, and threw up all over himself. He said to his friend, “i cant go home, because my wife is going to leave me.”

His friend said, “t...

My girlfriend says that I never solve my own problems.

How do I prove her wrong?

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are interviewing for a cryptanlyst position. To understand how they approach a problem, the interviewer asks each of them to solve one plus one.

The mathematician responds first, and says, "It is trivial to prove that a unique solution exists." The physicist goes next, and says "The answer will virtually always lie between 1.99 and 2.01." And finally, engineer says, "It looks to be about two, but let's play it safe and call it three."

Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.

Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.

A problem the Rabbi can't solve

A Jewish man goes to his Rabbi and says "Rabbi, I have a problem. My son is converting to Christianity and I can't do a thing about it." The Rabbi answers, "You know Moishe, I have the same problem. Let's go talk to the Chief Rabbi. Maybe he can help us out." So they set out to see the Chief Rabbi. ...

How can we easily solve the world's problems?

Have the hungry eat the homeless.

The CEO of Coca-Cola calls Vladimir Putin.

“Mr Putin! I noticed you’ve changed the Russian anthem. Do you have any plans to change the colors of your flag as well and return to the previous purely red flag? If you’d put a Coca-Cola logo in the corner, we’d solve all your financial troubles for the next five years.”

Putin puts the CEO ...

I bought three sniffer dogs, to try and solve the drug problem in my area.

Thankfully, they managed to find me some.

How did the Professor of Electromagnetism solve a complicated problem?

He used inductive reasoning

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

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How do you solve climate change?

Convince Republicans that rising temperatures are turning people gay.

I just invented a mathematical equation to solve climate change!

It’s an Al Gore ithm.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

Old Russian joke. Russia has 2 major problems: roads and idiots. One of them can be solved by a road roller...

But it's impossible to figure out what to do with roads.

What did the dancing queen use to solve her math problems?

An ABBA-cus.

The mystery of how my luggage worked has been solved.

It was an opened and shut case.

You should always try and solve your problems while standing...

Cause it helps you think on your feet.

They said essential oils would solve all my problems.

I tried it but my car still won't start.

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

The way to solve the opioid problem is to legalize the drugs,

but only sell them through Comcast customer service.

If 56 = 7*D then how do we solve for D?

8=D

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples

It matched with everyone

You can't solve every problem with calculus

It has its limits

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My wife has been trying to solve a many pieces puzzle for days, she was starting to lose patience

She told me she was trying to assemble a tiger picture.

I told her to calm the fuck down, have patience, and put every Frosted Flakes back on it's box

Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle?

He was stumped.

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