UPJOKE
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Lap Jokes

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?

When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

There was a young lady named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dally. She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap

and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"

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I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

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If a lap dog is a dog small enough to fit on your lap...

I'd hate to see what animal qualifies as a "pussy cat".

A wife decides to surprise her husband at the office one day, and finds him on the phone with his hot secretary perched on his lap.

The husband catches sight of his wife at the same time. Without missing a beat, he says into the phone, "And in conclusion, Gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I can't be expected to continue running this office with only one chair."

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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.....

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

“You ke...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

I didn’t get a lap dance!

It was an erotic mugging

Why is auto insurance so high for lap dancers?

Because of the high risk of being rear-ended.

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A little boy is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall...

A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap in the mall and he told Santa, "I want a fuckin' skateboard under my bed, a fuckin' bike in the garage, and a fuckin' train-set under the tree."

Santa said, "OK," and went over to the little boy's parents. Santa told them, "If you really want to stop...

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

If you're looking at this with your device in your hands or lap

I guess the jokes on you

What's the worst cat to have on your lap?

Probably a bulldozer

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

Why did the F1 Racer get electrocuted after finishing 1 lap?

Because he completed the circuit.

What do a lap dance and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

You can smell it but you can’t eat it.

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

Yo mama so fat

She has a watch for every time zone she's in,
When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,
She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,
Thanos couldn't snap her out of existence,
Flash died before he could do a lap around her
And she ate a black hole because she was hungry

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Did you know, if you lay your head on someone's lap

You can actually hear them saying "what the fuck are you doing?"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

Did you know that Vision gets mad whenever Wanda tries to give him a lap dance?

She really grinds his gears.

A kid sat on my lap and started taking a nap.

I was arrested for a kidnapping.

Ancient Chinese proverb:

Waitress who sit on lepers lap, always keep tip.

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

I saw a kid freaking out on Santa’s lap

I guess he was claus-traphobic

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super sex".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

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I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips...

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Christmas pick up lines

Christmas PickUp Lines: Let's both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.



Is your name Jingle Bells, 'cause you look like you'd go all the way.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?  Shouldn't you be on the top of the tree, Angel? H...

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A little boy was sitting on his grandfather's lap.

His grandfather was smoking a cigar, so the little boy asked, "can I have puff of that cigar?"

The grandfather asked him, "does your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy says, "no" So the grandfather says, "then you can't have a puff of my cigar."

A few days later the little boy w...

daddy's lap

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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This little boy was sitting on his grandpa's lap....

And his grandpa was smoking a cigar. The boy asked if he could have a puff and the grand-father replied, "Can your dick touch your ass-hole?". "No" The little boy replied. "Well, then, you can't have any of my cigar" The next day the grandpa was sipping a beer and again the little boy came and sat o...

A little girl sits on Santa's lap and asks him for a Barbie and a GI Joe.

"Well little girl, you can certainly have that, but doesn't Barbie usually come with Ken?"

"Oh no, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."

Vladimir Lenin found a magic lap. Upon rubbing it, a genie pop'ed out and offered him three wishes:

Vlad: I want to return to my country!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want my message to be heard by me people!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want to lead my people to revolution!

Genie: Soviet! Replied the Genie.

When I was 5, my Uncle Bob asked me to sit on his lap.

It was quite touching, really.

What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his lap

The bartender says “Hey mate. You’ve got a steering wheel on your lap!”

Pirate replies “Arrrrrgh! It be driving me nuts!!”

Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to give a girl in a wheelchair a lap dance?

She wasn't feeling it.

I was eating at a restaurant the other day when a lawyer sat at the next table across from me. The waiter arrived to take his order and accidentally knocked the salt and pepper straight into his lap.

I thought, “Now there’s a seasoned professional”.

My favorite position

Is the JFK.

I explode all over her lap while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

*\*This lowbrow Sumerian quip is the oldest recorded joke in history, dating back to 1900 BCE.*

What do you call a lap dance from a girl with 3 or less limbs?

Amputease

You're running a race in Norway. How do you know if you've passed the last Lap?

When you reach the Finnish line...

I'm not a great lap dancer,

I've got two left cheeks.

I saw a man chased by a dog.

They were running around a big fountain. I told the man to hurry up because the dog is very close.

The man replied confidently: "Don't worry, I'm 2 laps ahead"

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The other day I went for a jog in the park and began my routine of running laps around the pond.

On my first lap I noticed a girl in a wheelchair crying. I approached her and asked why she was crying. She told me "I'm crying because I've never been hugged!" Feeling sympathetic, I hugged her and she said "Thank you! I feel so much better!" as her tears subsided.

I continued jogging and as...

This Swedish guy was walking up to a bus stop when he tripped and fell onto a woman's lap.

I lied. He wasn't Swedish.

He was a Laplander.

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What do you call a potato Kim jong un dropped in his lap?

A dicktator.

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it was an old man's 100 th birthday

at the party a gorgeous 22 year old blond sits on his lap and says "it's your 100th birthday! that's amazing! I'm gonna give you super sex for the rest of the night!"
the old man thinks about it for a bit and replies "I'll take the soup"

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A joke my Grandpa told me the other day...

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jok...

A young girl returns home after a bus trip with her dad

When she gets home she rushes to her mother to tell her about the trip.
After speaking of all the sights they saw she finished the story on the bus ride back:
"On the bus, daddy told me to offer my seat to a random lady so I did"

Her mother replied: "Oh wow! You did the right thing hone...

I met my daughter's teacher tonight, and it was heartbreaking.

She was working at her second job. Teachers are among the most underpaid and undervalued people on Earth.

I decided to give her $50 for a lap dance, so I'm doing my part.

I witnessed a kidnap today....

On his mommy lap.

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

What did the sea-world trainer's friend say to him after he spilled water on his friends lap?

You did that on porpoise

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

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A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the ba...

British airways

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back...

Sammy the Snail

Wins the Power Ball Jackpot and he buys a racing car.

He paints a big S on the side and he takes it out for a few laps.

He is not happy at all, and he hires a mechanic to make it faster.

The mechanic says "So how fast do you want it to be?"

Sammy says "I want people to sa...

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces....

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

An old man was visiting his daughter and grandson

During the visit, the grandson crawled up into his lap and said "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"

"Why sure!" the man said & offered several croaking ribbit sounds.

Delighted, the boy jumped down and ran over to a nearby closet, working hard to remove a suitcase from th...

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I asked my wife to talk to her doctor about a treatment that would make her more interested in sex...

...she came home and dropped a prescription bottle of diet pills on my lap with MY name on it.

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His w...

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Bobby hopped on the train and found a vacant seat.

After sitting down, he looked around the carriage and observed an attractive woman seated across from himself, reading a book titled "Sexual statistics."



A little intimidated at first, Bobby finally plucked up some courage and initiated conversation.



"Hi, that looks lik...

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There was a Bravest man in the world contest

There were three brave contenders that had to survive three missions and survive.
1# swim one lap in an Olympic pool filled with crocodiles.
2# shake the hand of a raged gorilla
3# fuck the brains out of an 100 year little old lady.

First contender got it to the pool and was eaten al...

My wife was photographing some superheroes last night. I suggested to her to turn the flash on...

...turns out, he really enjoys a lap dance.

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Two horses are sitting at a bar

The horses are taking about races they've been in recently
Horse 1: I was at a race, laps behind the rest. All of a sudden I feel a red hot poker up me ass anyways I put on speed and win the whole race.
Horse 2: Well now you mention that I was at a race, laps behind. All of a sudden I feel a r...

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A well-traveled man goes to a strip club

When he gets a lap dance from one of the strippers, he asks if she is Chilean

‘Yes, I am!’ she says ‘How did you know?’

‘Well’ says the man ‘Much like Chile, you are tall and slim’

He later gets a lap dance from another stripper, and asks if she is Swiss

‘Yes, I am!’ she ...

God Will Save Me

A man of faith hears on the radio there's going to be flooding. He shrugs at thradio and says, "God will take care of me."

He wakes up the next day and the first floor of his house is flooded.. as the water rises, he climbs up into the roof.

A guy floats by in a canoe and s...

This may be the oldest recorded joke ever...

National Public Radio (NPR) in the US suggested in 2016 that the oldest recorded joke is from Bronze Age Sumeria (an early Mesopotamian civilization dating 3300-1200BC). The joke goes: "What has never happened since time immemorial? A young wife has not farted on her husband's lap."

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Mike and Mark

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centered, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all around douche bag.

...

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