Why is auto insurance so high for lap dancers?

Because of the high risk of being rear-ended.

Me: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

The hot lady at the bar: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap.

He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired woman jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology....

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

There was a young lady named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dally. She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap

and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"

Did you know that Vision gets mad whenever Wanda tries to give him a lap dance?

She really grinds his gears.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

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A little boy is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall...

A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap in the mall and he told Santa, "I want a fuckin' skateboard under my bed, a fuckin' bike in the garage, and a fuckin' train-set under the tree."

Santa said, "OK," and went over to the little boy's parents. Santa told them, "If you really want to stop...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

Running out of Gas

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him t...

Why did the F1 Racer get electrocuted after finishing 1 lap?

Because he completed the circuit.

What's the worst cat to have on your lap?

Probably a bulldozer

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

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Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

What do a lap dance and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

You can smell it but you can’t eat it.

Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to give a girl in a wheelchair a lap dance?

She wasn't feeling it.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to avery n...

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As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi..... FUCKING SHIT!! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: "I ...

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair

He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket

Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"

"Impersonating an office, sir."

Vladimir Lenin found a magic lap. Upon rubbing it, a genie pop'ed out and offered him three wishes:

Vlad: I want to return to my country!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want my message to be heard by me people!

Genie: So Be It, replied the Genie.

Vlad: I want to lead my people to revolution!

Genie: Soviet! Replied the Genie.

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

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I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

What's worse then sitting on Micheal Jackson's lap?

Still sitting on it when he stands up

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

*\*This lowbrow Sumerian quip is the oldest recorded joke in history, dating back to 1900 BCE.*

A British Airways flight just reached it's cruise altitude

The captain grabs the microphone and announces: " Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop service from London-Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followe...

What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

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Did you know, if you lay your head on someone's lap

You can actually hear them saying "what the fuck are you doing?"

A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.

A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?” The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde jokes for the rest of the performance. The blonde says “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the guy o...

A pastor is on a plane when the man next to him strikes up a conversation.

After some pleasantries, the pastor says, "I'm flying across the country raising money for my parish. I've been performing small miracles hoping people will donate money to me. You see, I ask the Lord to provide a person's favorite food on the spot. My best luck is with college grads who are nostalg...

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

A kid sat on my lap and started taking a nap.

I was arrested for a kidnapping.

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The other day I went for a jog in the park and began my routine of running laps around the pond.

On my first lap I noticed a girl in a wheelchair crying. I approached her and asked why she was crying. She told me "I'm crying because I've never been hugged!" Feeling sympathetic, I hugged her and she said "Thank you! I feel so much better!" as her tears subsided.

I continued jogging and as...

One day in October, Humpty Dumpty went to the clothes store...

He picks out a nice sweater, a couple pair of socks, a coat, etc. He pays for them and leaves. He heads out and goes to get groceries, and buys milk, eggs, tuna fish, matches, and a single pumpkin. On his way home now, he sees a stray cat in the cold. Feeling charitable, he offers it some tuna fish,...

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On his 90th birthday his friends chipped in to hire a hooker.

On his 90th birthday his friends chipped in to hire a hooker.

She danced seductively, then sat on his lap.

She whispered in his ear "I'm here to give you super sex!"

The man thought about it and then asked her "what kind of soup?"

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super sex".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

I saw a kid freaking out on Santa’s lap

I guess he was claus-traphobic

Poor dog

I'm so sad. Stupid me. Yesterday i drained all the old gas out of my lawnmower and left it in a bowl beside the garage. Next thing i know, my dog drank it all then started running high speed laps around yard. He does about five laps, then runs right up to me and looks me dead in the eye, rolls over ...

What do you call a lap dance from a girl with 3 or less limbs?

Amputease

You're running a race in Norway. How do you know if you've passed the last Lap?

When you reach the Finnish line...

A son was describing his day to his mom.

He said "Mom, today I got up from the bus to allow a pretty woman to sit down after dad made me stand up."

His mom replied "Well dear, doing a nice thing is good, so why did dad have to make you get up?"

The son said "Because I was on dad's lap and I wanted to be warm."

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Christmas is like sex...

It's not about receiving, it's about giving. Also sitting on a fat guy's lap if you're into that.

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

When I was 5, my Uncle Bob asked me to sit on his lap.

It was quite touching, really.

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

A little girl sits on Santa's lap and asks him for a Barbie and a GI Joe.

"Well little girl, you can certainly have that, but doesn't Barbie usually come with Ken?"

"Oh no, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

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A little boy was sitting on his grandfather's lap.

His grandfather was smoking a cigar, so the little boy asked, "can I have puff of that cigar?"

The grandfather asked him, "does your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy says, "no" So the grandfather says, "then you can't have a puff of my cigar."

A few days later the little boy w...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

A redditor and a regular guy was about to die of old age.

A regular guy was about to die of old age. The doctors ask him for a last wish.He wished to die in the embrace of my wife. So the doctors scheduled a time of privacy. When the time came, the doctor went to monitor his vitals in another room to make sure he was ok. Moans came out of the room and late...

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What do you do when you hear a really funny joke about trimming down a CPU?

You “die lapping”...

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Today is Jacob's birthday,

So his wife decided to surprise him, she took him to a Strip-Club House.

At the club -

DOORMAN: Hey Jacob! How are you?

WIFE: How does he know you?

Jacob: We play Golf together!

BARTENDER: The usual beer Jacob?

WIFE: And how does he know you?

Jacob: ...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

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This little boy was sitting on his grandpa's lap....

And his grandpa was smoking a cigar. The boy asked if he could have a puff and the grand-father replied, "Can your dick touch your ass-hole?". "No" The little boy replied. "Well, then, you can't have any of my cigar" The next day the grandpa was sipping a beer and again the little boy came and sat o...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

Obama wanted to set a new record for fastest lap around the White House.

He ran as fast as he could and his final time was 9:23. He was dismayed to find out that he hadn't quite beaten the record because Bush did 9:11.

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Two horses are sitting at a bar

The horses are taking about races they've been in recently
Horse 1: I was at a race, laps behind the rest. All of a sudden I feel a red hot poker up me ass anyways I put on speed and win the whole race.
Horse 2: Well now you mention that I was at a race, laps behind. All of a sudden I feel a r...

My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...

So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.


This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

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So I went to the local strip club.

Got a lap dance from a stripper named Cinderella. I thought it was a odd stripper name but then it made sense. Her Dad wasn't around, didn't get along with stepmom, and wore see through shoes.

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The Head

A man was walking on a beach and found a good spot, and sat down. After a few moments a head of a woman rolled by and stopped next to him.

“Hello I’m Chrissy”

“John” he replied.

“I wonder if you can help me, I’ve been alone all my life and I was wondering if I can sit with you ...

Three park rangers are walking together through a wintry forest when they come upon a tiny leprechaun, shivering in the cold.

The leprechaun asks the rangers for help escaping the snowy forest, and tells them that whoever can come up with the best and kindest way to transport him out of the forest, will be granted his pot of gold.

The first ranger offers him a limousine. “You will be in the lap of luxury as you are ...

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My cat sits on my lap while I use the bathroom

She cuddles the shit out of me.

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets

An Old Man approaches the window of A Cinema with A Chicken on His Shoulder & asks for 2 Tickets.

The Girl at the Counter wants to know who is going in with Him.

He replies, "Well, My Pet Chicken, of course."

"I'm sorry," The Girl tells him. "We can't allow Animals in the ...

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while

The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He stagg...

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What do you call a potato Kim jong un dropped in his lap?

A dicktator.

Apparently NASCAR is banning all Confederate flags from its races.

But how will drivers know they’ve entered the last lap of the race? 🏳

What did the sea-world trainer's friend say to him after he spilled water on his friends lap?

You did that on porpoise

Listen to the ground....

A cowboy is riding across the plains when he comes across a Pawnee indian lying down with his ear placed against the ground & mumbling something.

Knowing what great trackers the Pawnee are the cowboy gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground, but he can't figure out anything just ...

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The beer was spilt on the barroom floor,

And the bar was closed for the night...

And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,

Who made a funny sight..

He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,

And back on his haunches he sat...

And all through the night you could hear him yell,

"Bring on ...

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow.

So they decided to enter an auto race. Instead of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail.


When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.


The spectators marveled "Wow, look ...

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After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."...

The Baby Brother

For weeks a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped tell...

daddy's lap

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

I'm not a great lap dancer,

I've got two left cheeks.

An old man dies and wakes up in a strange ethereal world.

The first thing he sees is another old man with a curvaceous young lady on his lap.

‘This must be heaven!’ he exclaims, ‘Is she your reward?’

‘No,’ replies the other old man, ‘We’re in hell and I’m her punishment!’

This happened many years ago when Blackberry phones were still popular

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep yo...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

A hammer walks into a strip club

Sits down, buys a lap dance.
Girl does lap dance and then leaves
Hammer says to his buddy, "I'd love to nail that girl".

Buddy goes, "you can't, she's a screw"

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Why do strippers make good racecar drivers?

Because they have good lap times

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

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What do Nascar drivers call anal sex?

Pro laps

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A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English.

He tells the horse, "I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the back, and explains the s...

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my cat is a stripper.

she says "i'm gonna sit on your lap but you can't touch me." in a way.

Why don't priests have laptops?

Because that space is occupied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

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What did strippers and cats have in common?

Theyll both sit on your lap if you entice them and dont like when you touch them

A traveller reaches a church

It's late at night and he almost collapses at the door. Exhausted, he knocks on the door and is let in by Sister Francine. The Sister calls the others to help and they bring the guy in. He has a heavy trunk that they keep to a side. The night passes and the traveller wakes up in the morning. He is t...

My friend was angry when NASCAR banned the Confederate flag from the races

But he got angrier when I pointed out they still wave it on the final lap every race

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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A guy goes into a bar and sees an attractive woman at the bar.

He sends her a drink and she gives him a smile. He walks over to join her and sure enough, they hit it off. They talk for a while longer and she finally says, "Listen, why don't we go back to my place for a nightcap."

They get to her place and are barely in the door before they are kissing an...

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A well-traveled man goes to a strip club

When he gets a lap dance from one of the strippers, he asks if she is Chilean

‘Yes, I am!’ she says ‘How did you know?’

‘Well’ says the man ‘Much like Chile, you are tall and slim’

He later gets a lap dance from another stripper, and asks if she is Swiss

‘Yes, I am!’ she ...

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

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Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

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