Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

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So I was at this lap dancing joint a week ago...

And as I slid a $10 note into her lacy panties she leaned over and said to me "come up in an hour and we can have super sex".

"Great!" I replied. "I'm hungry, I'll have the soup!".

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

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Did you know, if you lay your head on someone's lap

You can actually hear them saying "what the fuck are you doing?"

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

What do you call a lap dance from a girl with 3 or less limbs?

Amputease

Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

I saw a kid freaking out on Santa’s lap

I guess he was claus-traphobic

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

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I don't get the point of a lap dance

If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

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The other day I went for a jog in the park and began my routine of running laps around the pond.

On my first lap I noticed a girl in a wheelchair crying. I approached her and asked why she was crying. She told me "I'm crying because I've never been hugged!" Feeling sympathetic, I hugged her and she said "Thank you! I feel so much better!" as her tears subsided.

I continued jogging and as...

You're running a race in Norway. How do you know if you've passed the last Lap?

When you reach the Finnish line...

Why don't priests have laptops?

Because that space is occupied.

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

A family with three brothers...

So, feather asked his mom:

“Mom, why is my name Feather”
“Because when you were born, I was holding you on my lap and a feather fell in your forehead!” Answered the mom.

A few days later, Drop asked his mom:

“Why is my name Drop, mom?”
“Because when you were born, I was ho...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

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Three horses walk into a bar..

One horse trots up to the barman, the other two grab a seat at a table. The horse at the bar orders three beers and grabs them with its hooves, then walks on two legs and joins the other seated horses.

First horse says: " Shit guys, last night at my race, it was some crazy shit. I was way ahe...

A little girl sits on Santa's lap.

In a jolly manner, Santa asks "What would you like for Christmas?"

The girl replies without hesitation: "I would like a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa sits for a moment, thinking about the request. Caught off guard, he says "But little girl, Barbie comes with Ken."

The girl looks...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

A blonde boy, and brunette boy, and a redhead were talking one day about swimming.

The brunette boy says, "My dad was so rough on me. He used to take me to the local pool and make me swim laps for four hours a day! I nearly drowned a couple times!"

The blonde boy replies, "You learned to swim in a pool!? My dad just rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me over the...

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

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A blonde and a ventriloquist walk into a bar

The ventriloquist sits down and puts on his act, and starts making blonde jokes

So the blonde walks up to him and says "can you please stop us blondes are not THAT dumb"

to which the ventriloquist responds "sorry, my jokes aren't meant to offe-"

She then says "I'm not talking to...

This Swedish guy was walking up to a bus stop when he tripped and fell onto a woman's lap.

I lied. He wasn't Swedish.

He was a Laplander.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his lap

The bartender says “Hey mate. You’ve got a steering wheel on your lap!”

Pirate replies “Arrrrrgh! It be driving me nuts!!”

So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless. Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter. It breathes and he immediately scoops it up. "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"

"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
...

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

Why did the F1 Racer get electrocuted after finishing 1 lap?

Because he completed the circuit.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

A man goes to the movies. . .

but when he sits down he notices that the person in the seat next to him looks like a penguin. with a bucket of popcorn on it's 'lap'.

Well, he can't believe his eyes since the cinema is dim and all that.

'It must be a kid in a costume' he thinks to himself.

But as he looks clos...

Guy in a restaurant spills some soup in his lap...

He says, "Waiter! There's some soup on my fly!"

A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He repli...

When I was 5, my Uncle Bob asked me to sit on his lap.

It was quite touching, really.

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A little boy was sitting on his grandfather's lap.

His grandfather was smoking a cigar, so the little boy asked, "can I have puff of that cigar?"

The grandfather asked him, "does your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy says, "no" So the grandfather says, "then you can't have a puff of my cigar."

A few days later the little boy w...

A Old Man Dies and Goes to Hell

So and old man lived a long long life. He was very religious and truly believed that he would go to heaven. When he dies he finds himself in hell. And he sees a buddy who died a few years before him. There's his old buddy with a young attractive girl (older than 18) on his lap. He looks at him and s...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

Cats are just like strippers.

They both sit on your lap, but you can’t touch them.

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

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Something amazing just happened!

Guys, you won't believe this. I just had sex with my teacher! It all started this morning when I entered the classroom.

When I had entered the classroom, the teacher only payed attention to me and none of my annoying classmates.

Whenever I had any questions and went up, she always let...

An old couple is having their breakfast.

The old lady turns to her husband and says

"Oh honey, look at us, having breakfast like that. The same way we did when we were first married 50 years ago"

"Yes it is great" says the old man

"However, back then we were having breakfast naked. How about we do that again?"

T...

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Why is it that when girls sit on a guys leg and play with him to get him hard it’s sexy...

...but when I do it I’m told to “get off Santa’s lap” and “never come back to the mall again”.

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During the family reunion, I was walking over to my uncle's table.

But as I neared him, I fell.

I found myself on my uncle's lap when he said,

"Trying to fuck with me?"

My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today...

So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.

I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.

"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.

Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"

"Yes" The boy ret...

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

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Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.

After the...

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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered,...

The quick thinking executive

To surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just...

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My ex had a good reason to break up with me

Someone posted a video of a strip club with me in the back getting a lap dance

Yea my boyfriend didn't really like that I wasn't gay

The two best racehorses in the country.

There were these two racehorses, Galem and Gollum. They were raised together and had been racing side by side their entire lives. Everyone loved to watch them. They were always faster than the other horses; as a matter of fact, they were the best racehorses in the country.



As good as ...

The correct behavior may be wrong

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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A mama shark and a her pup were swimming by a beach

The pup turnes to its mother and said "Mom, I'm hungry".

"Just find some swimmer, swim a couple laps around him, and dig in, child", she replies.

The pup is impatient and says "But swimming laps takes so long! I'm just going to dig in instead".

"Go ahead, but don't come crying t...

I met my daughter's teacher tonight, and it was heartbreaking.

She was working at her second job. Teachers are among the most underpaid and undervalued people on Earth.

I decided to give her $50 for a lap dance, so I'm doing my part.

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New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

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What do you call a potato Kim jong un dropped in his lap?

A dicktator.

When I reach home, my 1.5 year old son rushes out to the gate..

..to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrrrmmm brrrrmmm sound. His cute antics always me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease ...It's called Parking son's disease.

So I was sitting at a table in this bar.

When this lovely young lady seated at the table across from mine sneezed, her glass eye popped out and with a bounce of the table soared into my lap. I caught it out of instinct and handed it back to her. She thanked me and headed to the restroom to put it back to it's proper place. Upon returning t...

A long blonde joke

A Ventriloquist Tours Norway

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:...

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. ...

What did the sea-world trainer's friend say to him after he spilled water on his friends lap?

You did that on porpoise

Crisis averted?

Over the weekend I was sat next to a person eating a bowlful of those really fat pasta tubes in a tomato sauce. As I watched, one got nearer to the edge of the bowl but I couldn't mention it because the person was deep in conversation. I agonised for a few seconds wondering how I could stop a me...

It was bedtime at Micheal Jackson’s house

Wade didn’t want to go to bed so MJ said ok how about I show you a magic trick first, will you go to bed after?
Wade agreed
They had a shower and sat on the edge of the bed in their gowns.
MJ Said ok now for the magic trick, come here and sit on my lap...
Young Wade sits on his lap. <...

Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said “We’ll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we’ve had.”
Obama then replied, “One of the best? Not the best?”
The agent replied “ No sir, Bush did 9...

A man and his wife get a divorce.

She lays claim to half of his things, so one afternoon he’s going through the last of their stuff in the attic. He separates what she wants and what he’ll take when he comes upon something she hadn’t mentioned. A small lamp. He picks it up, dusts it off and a genie pops out of it.
“You get three...

The year is 2024 and the new POTUS has been elected.

The newly sworn-in president is sitting at the desk in the oval office tending to some paperwork. The doors open and in walk a few secret service agents.

"Excuse us Mr. President, but we were looking over some of the documents about your background and noticed that your physical health and p...

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Getting to know each other

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nic...

The Donald has been working hard so the first lady takes him to a gentleman's club for a night out...

They arrive and the doorman says, Nice to see you again, Mr. President.

Have you been here before? Asks the first lady.

No. He's the doorman at one of my golf clubs.

They go inside and the waitress asks, do you want your usual drink Mr. President?

The first lady can't bel...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder...

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder, he orders a pint of beer for himself and a saucer of milk for Tiny. The barman fetches the drinks and places them on the bar. The man starts to drink the pint and the newt laps up the milk. Upon seeing this the barman asks the man "Why do you call ...

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

I'm not a great lap dancer,

I've got two left cheeks.

I read this joke in a book of Jewish humor some years ago.

An elderly Jewish woman was about to board an El Al flight from JFK to Tel Aviv, carrying her little lap dog in a cage, covered by a blanket. The gate agent informed her that there was no way she could carry the dog aboard the plane, but assured her the dog would be perfectly safe in the luggage co...

A man goes to bakery

I need a cake for my wife's lap dog.

Baker: ok, are you gonna have it here or pack it?

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Dave's Birthday

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated,...

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Charlie marries a virgin.

On their wedding night, he’s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

“Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table,” she says.

So Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?”

“Much better!”...

A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the bac...

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So the popular joke of the morning is the whale blowjob.... I got you!

So a couple of years ago two sharks were swimming along and came across a small party boat that was sinking. One shark says to the other, lets swim around and show them one fin, that will scare them. So they make a few laps, sure enough giving the party on board a good scare. The sharks hang around ...

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A greyhound walks into a bar...

A greyhound walks into a bar and takes a look around. There are three horses sitting at the counter chatting away, he decides to sit close enough to overhear their conversation.

The first horse says, “I have an incredible story for you guys! I was racing last Friday, two minutes in and I am l...

I don't perform on a stage because I'm funny

I perform on stage because I'm insecure about my own ability to be funny. I crave that attention, that validation from from an audience of strangers, I think it's because my father didn't give me the attention I needed when I was a kid. I still have fun though, I enjoy the job, the money is great to...

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Lost in translation

Two businessmen travel to Japan for a meeting with some japanese partners. They arrive a few days earlier to adjust to jet lag and all. They spend the day touristing, they go to some good restaurant in the evening and they decide to visit a japanese brothel. So they enjoy themselves watching some po...

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A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

Sam's fishing secret.

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curio...

Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place.

One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast.

"Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"

"Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk."

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For three years, the young attorney

had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! <...

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Mr. Koala is smoking a blunt

Mr. Lizard wanders up to his tree and shouts "Hey, Mr. Koala! What are you up to?" He replies "smoking a blunt, want to hit it?"
Mr. lizard climbs the tree and he and Mr. Koala smoke and bullshit for a while. Eventually Mr. Lizard says "I've got a real bad case of cottonmouth. I'm gonna go to ...

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Trump dies and goes to Hell

Upon arrival the Devil tells Trump he can choose one of three punishments set before him. Trump agrees.

So the Devil and Trump go to see Nixon swimming endless laps in a pool. Satan asks Trump if this will suit him. Trump says no I can't swim forever.

So they continue on. The secon...

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