I told my wife she can have the safe deposit box with the five hundred grand after the divorce.

She got really excited about those candy bars.

You’ll lose your bank deposit at ...

Wells Forgo

So I went to the bank to deposit money and the teller asked for my ID.

I said

"Wait, people wanted to put money in my bank account and you stopped them?!"

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sen...

When I found out sperm banks were taking deposits through the mail...

I came in a jiffy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What banks are the most sexist?

Sperm banks cause they only accept deposits from men

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

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A doctor goes to the bank to deposit a check...

He walks up to the teller and hands it to her, but she reminds him that it needs to be signed. He reaches into his pocket for a pen, but pulls out a rectal thermometer. He says, "Oh crap.." The teller asks, "Is something wrong?" and the doctor replies, "It's nothing, just that some asshole has my pe...

TIL never deposit your marijuana in a bank account...

Unless its a Joint Account.

Anyone know a joke a about sodium deposits?

Na.

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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

Where did the hamster deposit her paycheck?

Her shavings account

Where do people from Prague deposit their money?

Into their Czeching account

Where does a salmon go to deposit a check?

To the river bank!

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The Bank Deposit

A man walks into a bank and goes up to the counter, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The banker is completely shocked at what she heard, "Sir, could you please not use that kind of language in here." "What's your problem. All I want to do is open a fucking checking account!" "Sir, please...

Where do polar bears go to deposit money?

A snowbank

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

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A man is shaving

A man is shaving with a straight-edged razor when the razor drops out of his hands and lops off his penis. He gathers it up, stuffs it in his pocket, rushes outside and hails a cab, telling the driver to get him to the emergency room fast.

There he tells the surgeon what happened and the s...

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NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.

Over the ...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

I made a deposit at the sperm bank last night.

She really hates it when I call her that though.

One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te...

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The old man at the IRS office

An 80 year old gets a summons from the IRS to appear at the offices to discuss large deposits coming into his accounts that don’t appear on his tax filings..

The old man is a bit nervous and he hires a lawyer to assist him...

He arrives Monday morning and goes into the interview room.....

Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden

He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,

Fred Flintstein replied: "A dab o' ABBA doo."

What do Hillary, Stormy and Karen all have in common?

Each of them started to dislike Trump after he stopped making personal deposits.

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An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

Magician: Is this your card?

Mom: OMG yes!!

Magician: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for the birthday party?

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Turns out that sperm is only collected from our clients and they don't like when I ask if they're here to make a withdrawal or deposit.

What is the difference between a sperm bank and a savings bank?

A savings bank you make a deposit and gain interest, a sperm bank you make a deposit and lose interest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two jokes. One post.

So, three guys are walking down the street, when they notice a large mud deposit, and a large pile of bricks. For whatever reason, they want to see who can throw a brick the highest, to see this, they decide to each throw a brick up and see how far it sinks into the mud. The first guy throws, sinks ...

What do your girlfriend and the ATM have in common?

You either make a deposit into them or withdraw.

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.

And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the ro...

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Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

I used to live paycheck to paycheck, but now...

...after years of hard work and commitment, I'm living direct deposit to direct deposit.

An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The tell...

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Rich woman comes to the CEO of bank

Rich blonde woman comes to the CEO of bank. I want to deposit ten million Euro.

OK says the CEO, I just have to ask, how did you get this money.

By betting, says the woman.

By betting, asks the CEO.

Yes, by betting, answers the woman, let me show, I would place a bet wi...

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Thank God for whoever invented pole vaults

Otherwise we'd all have to keep our poles in safety deposit boxes.

.

.


I've searched all over the internet to see if this joke has been mentioned and haven't found anything like it. My grandma told me it a few years before she died so it's a joke I cherish and thought I'd sh...

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Proctologist walks into a bank

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a deposit slip, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

A young librarian is amazed during his first day of work to see a chicken stride imto the library with a armful of books

The chicken walks up to him and deposits the books on the desk. Apart from a little pod weed on one of the covers, they are all in lending period, in fact, they had only been issued the previous day.

The chicken walks amongst the shelves muttering quietly:

"Book, Book, Book".

Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex is like banking

First you make a deposit.
Then you make a withdrawal.
Then you lose interest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Nazi enters a bank in Switzerland

A Nazi enters a bank in Switzerland with some money illegaly earned he has to deposit.

Then he silently walks towards the banker and whispers "I have to deposite, ehm... 2 milion...".

"It's all OK - says the banker smiling - here in Switzerland to be poor isn't a shame".

What a dumb blonde... wait......

Blonde goes into a bank

Blonde: I need a loan for $5,000.

Bank-teller: We'll need some sort of deposit.

Blonde: Ok, here's the keys to my car (Mercedes-Benz S600)

Blonde leaves

Bank-teller(laughing): She's so stupid! Leaving a $100,000 car as a deposit for a $5,000...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

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It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

What’s the difference between me and a pigeon?

The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche!

An old woman walks into a bank...

The bank was the most reputed one in the small town.

Clerk: " May I help you madam?"

Woman:"I want to open an account and deposit $1,000,000."

Since it was a lot of money, the clerk sent the woman to the manager's office.

Manager:"Please don't mind my asking but how do yo...

After 40 years of marriage . . .

After their wedding, the bride put a hinged box on the bedside table, and told her husband never to open it and check to see what is inside of it. They go about their marriage and the husband obliges.

So forty years passed and the husband impatiently and finally opened the box and found thre...

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The gra...

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An old lady walks into a bank with a big bag of money

One of the employees asks her what she wants.

Old Lady: I'm here to open an account and I want to deposit all this money into the bank.

"Whoa, that's a whole lot of money", the employee said. "You'll have to talk to the manager."

The employee escorts her to the manager's office...

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Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.

After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.


He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million...

How did the rich man get caught sleeping with the banker's wife?

He was making more deposits than withdrawls.

An old Indian walks into a bank and asks for a $5000 loan.

Clerk: What are you going to do with the money?

Indian: I'm going to go into the city and sell my handmade jewelry.

Clerk: Do you have collateral?

Indian: What's collateral?

Clerk: Collateral is something of value that can cover the amount of the loan. For example, do you...

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Modern Medicine

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some as...

Two Bank robbers robbed a bank.

Two bank robbers wanted one more score before they retire. They picked out a bank, went In at night, got in the safe, went into the safety deposited boxes. Their was one problem though, their was no money. The safety deposit boxes was only full of banana pudding.

They think for a while and th...

A soldier in my National Guard platoon...

...... became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.

"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

"So?"

"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that...

A man goes to the doctor

A man, having troble getting his wife pregnant, goes to the doctor. The doctor, after hearing him, gives him a flask to deposit a small amount of sperm for testing, so that he could find out what was wrong. Two days days later the man returns, but the flask is still empty.
“What happened?” asked ...

I always like to walk my dog to the bank

It's where he makes his deposit

Source: slightly drunk grandfather

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[NSFW] My dog will give you a bl** job

A man was driving on a desert road and saw a sign "my dog will give you a blow job for $20 - get the secondary road in 10 miles". He was very intrigued by that sign but kept driving. Five miles down, he saw the same sign again, saying to take the secondary road in 5 miles.

Intrigued by that h...

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Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

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An old lady walks into a bank...

...with $10,000 in cash and says that she would like to deposit it into an account. The male banker asks her where in the world she got $10,000.
"Oh, I'm just really good at making bets," says the old lady.

"really, you made all this money from betting?" asks the banker.

"Yep," sai...

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A man walks into a bank

and walks up to a pretty, young clerk.

"I want to open a fucking bank account," he says.

The clerk looks up, mildly shocked, sure she's misheard. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," says the man. "I want to open a fucking bank account."

The clerk puts down her pen. "Sir, I'm go...

Once, in a far away Amazonian tribe,

where all the houses were made of grass, the chief of the land wanted more splendour.

Fortunately, a large deposit of gold was found by his miners. The king ordered his subjects to make the gold into a massive throne, with inlaid jewels and a massive headrest.

The people laboured on fo...

Facebook is like an Emotion Bank

People deposit their feelings to save, but usually gain very little interest.

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Triplets

A lady pregnant with triplets, went to the bank to deposit a check, while depositing the check a man came into the bank and robbed it. During the robbery he shot the pregnant lady three times in the stomach. After consulting with the doctors they told her that the kids were alright and in 15 years t...

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Grandma

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…
Those gems were all good, but the one I ...

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A Little Old Lady....

.....walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the littl...

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Twenty Dolla.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clot...

Home Loan Troubles

So one day Kermit the frog decides that he wanted to buy this new condo by the beach. He goes into the nearest bank and strolls up to the counter. In front of him there was this teller with name badge blaring "Paddywhack".
Kermit says "I want a loan". She goes through usual procedure then asks hi...

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Doctor, Machine and Patient... Joke Only For Adults

This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away. The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bank

A man walks into a bank and goes up to the teller window.

"I would like to make a fucking deposit in your fucking bank" he tells her.

Shocked, the teller says,

"Sir, this is a bank, we don't use that language here"

"Fuck what you think," says the man, "like I said, I wan...

666 is the Number of the Beast

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all...

Banking

A Chinese laundryman living in San Francisco opens a savings account at the bank and goes regularly to deposit his profits.

After several months he has saved up a considerable sum. One day, he comes into the bank and says that he wants to withdraw all his money. The clerk is surprised, so the...

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Two 80 year old men

Michael and John, who have been best friends since high school, have just spent the last of their retirement savings on a trip to Hawaii.

They check into their hotel and are furious when they find out that the lifts wont be working for another month and that their room is located on the 90th ...

A couple gets married.

The husband puts a box under their bed and gets his wife to promise not to look in the box. After 30 years the wife finally looked, to find $1817.35 and 3 empty beer cans. That night at diner the wife tells her husband about looking in the box, and asks him why he had the 3 beer cans in there. The h...

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Cunning old bitch

So there was an old lady who entered the First National Bank of Perth one day with a big suit case. She approached the front counter.

"I'd like to speak to the manager please" she asked.

The cashier attempted to help her but she insisted. So the cashier went and got the manager.
...

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Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-re...

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$20 dollars for sex

I man and woman get married, on the night of their wedding, the man approaches his wife, ready to make love for the first time. She smiles sweetly and sticks her hand out. "That will be $20 please!" He goes along with her game and gives her $20. As the years of their marriage go by, she continues he...

Birthday present

An alcoholic looked at his calendar and noticed it was almost his sons 18th birthday. Being a drunk, he did not see his son very often, but felt he had to give something to his son for this momentous occasion. Having blown all his money on booze, he had an idea...

Two days later his son got a...

One for us old guys

Lady opens a house of ill repute and hired 3 girls to work for her: a fashion model, a telephone operator and an elementary school teacher. She figured the model would be the most popular with the guys as she was so much prettier, followed by the operator then the teacher who was rather a plain Jan...

I came into some wealth recently,

but it turns out my bank doesn't accept that kind of deposit.